By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
keensight
HI Sarasims and Matt –
I was reading some of your posts on this thread and what you
were describing. The frustration of going back once again,
lured back in by the promise of something, something you’ve
defined in your heart of hearts, but that they are NOT extending and never have.
There’s a quick and easy to remember name for this agonizing
and repeated process.
It’s called: H O O V E R I N G
That’s right, just like the vacuum cleaner. Except what they want to take in is valuable, namely your heart and anything of value to them.
I’m sorry for your pain. I’ve been there before myself with family and significant others. Each person decides when it’s
too painful or dangerous or both to allow themselves to be sucked back in again.
Don’t listen to that sweet siren call…
Just remember the sound of a Hoover vacuum.
Skylar – Everyone has a right to contribute and learn. I hope
you’ll keep posting, as we are all teaching and learning from one another. One doesn’t have to have any expert credentials
to experience being targeted, just a good heart and a desire to be loved.
What counts are the insights you can share in your passion to heal and move forward. I stand by what I said before about
everyone having the right to their choices and that should be respected regardless of whether or not we think we know what is best for others.
Crosstalk wasn’t allowed in CoDA (Codependents Anonymous)
and what happened here is a perfect illustration of why.
I think Kathleen Hawk spoke earlier about how that just TRIGGERS the person it is focused upon. That’s why it isn’t allowed. People who attend the meetings are at various stages
of recovery, and even though it may be coming from a loving place, we never really know where the other person is at or what stage and displays an assumption that we know better
than they do what’s right for them.
It’s oh so tempting to want to do and really is one of the
hallmark signs of codependency in action. That is why it is strongly discouraged. We’re all human. Everyone trespasses
unknowingly at times. The difference here, is that you get so many apologies and attempts to make amends. What socio
will ever give that genuinely and with spontaneity?
We all have to find our own way, but it is good to have people
who understand close by as we traverse our own path.
I hope to see more of your wonderful ascerbic wit here Skylar.
Take Care.
banana
Matt,
I believe he hired a P his OW has loads of money.
He called the state. They showed up at my daycare today. They did not find fault, but will continue investigating.
Day care stated that the lady sent was very nice. She advised her that “this man” may continue to make false allegations and make things difficult for her. So she opted to stop caring for my son.
I do not know whether she has too many kids at once. She is not certified, but she reports her earnings I know, because I can put my money in an FSA and withdraw it to pay her with her SS#.
He must have hired a PI because the lady from the state was able to indify specific dates and times, comings and going of children and whether her son was at home or not.
MY P works and it is difficult to get time off, but I suppose he could have been doing it while he had my son the last 4 Monday and Tuesdays as he was working weekends.
I have not responded to him at all.
I just talked to my attorney who is filing an emergency motion allowing me to choose the daycare (We have joint legal custody) and asking that he pay the difference for the hardship (it will be much more expensive), but in the least it will be according to salary…he makes almost 15,000 more than I.
Stargazer
Attention, job seekers:
I just found out a piece of interesting information today that I thought I’d pass along. It’s probably common knowledge for most of you, but it wasn’t for me. Prospective employers will frequently use your email address to look up your forum blogs. EEEEK! Can you imagine? So make sure you have a separate email address for sending out job applications!
Sorry for the non sequitur. I’ll slither out quietly. Hope you are all well.
keensight
Dear Persephone7 –
Regarding your post on the other thread that I mentioned
earlier, the one where you speak of walking near the marsh
and describe how all the vibrant life seemed dead, but really
wasn’t and described the seasons…
It was beautiful imagery and I appreciated it. I wanted to tell
you of a film I saw that it reminded me of, but didn’t mention it at the time. it’s called THE SECRET GARDEN.
You may have already seen it, it’s been around a long while
now. That is what your beautiful post reminded me of.
Your post and that film describe how things may appear to be
lifeless on the surface, yet there is a season for everything.
I won’t say anymore about it except that the imagery and filming of it is beautiful. If you haven’t seen it I would recommend it for anyone in healing mode right now. I think
you mentioned being an artist and you might enjoy it from that standpoint as well. I hope you feel better soon.
banana
Also. He is always late. God forbid I drive away.
I was late for work…15 minutes.
Then just this sunday. we have an agreement where I text him when I’m 20 minutes out, giving him time to meet me.
He didn’t show for 20 minutes then I get a text saying “u on ur way”
!!!!!!
I just said…we’re here.
He was 25 minutes late.
I document document document.
My attorney is attaching texts where he berates my parenting as well as mentioning drop-off harassments that I tape recorded. She is asking for an order of protecting along with everything else.
I hope the court sees his manipulation for what it is….he never met Day care and could not find anything wrong with her other than hoping she was taking too many kids at once.
When I hired her she told me she watched 3 during the day and 3 after school.
She explained, she is what they call certification-exempt because she stays under s certain number.
He tried accusing her of neglect but I explained he acquired those bruises with me when he fell on my hardwood floor and off of his tricycle.
Matt
banana:
Just lost my post, so I’ll try again.
I’m sorry to hear that your daycare provider will no longer take your child. Your S-ex has created an impossible situation for you, her and the I parents of her other charges all because of his spiteful antics.
Since the State is allowing her to continue to operate while they investigate your S-ex’s “charges”, I suspect that she IS licensed by the State. Otherwise, they would shut her down pronto. The State can confirm this.
Your attorney is taking the right steps here. You should still discuss with her getting your agreement amended so that your ex has “NO VETO POWER” over primary decisions made by you since you have physical custody. This will buy you sanity in the long run.
You’ve got a responsive attorney — count your blessings on that one.
Matt
banana:
Just saw your post regarding “certification-exempt”. Since that is a determination made under the law, she’s clearly operating within the dictates of the law. As I stated above, since the State hasn’t shut her down and allows her to continue to operate, that is a strong argument that she is in compliance with the laws of your state.
Since his behavior is escalating, have you considered doing the drop-offs at a police station? Having a cop there when you do the drop-offs and pick-ups will keep him under control. I would seriously urge you to do this.
You are doing exactly what you should — or as ErinB would say, document, document, document.
Matt
banana:
Also, I don’t know if this texting that you are 20 minutes out is part of your agreement. If it isn’t — stop it. Why the hell should you accomodate him? Since your agreement says what time pick-ups and drop-offs occur – that’s it. Caso cerrado (case closed). He is either there or he isn’t. It is your responsibiltiy to be there on time and his to be there on time. It is nt your responsibility to accomodate his schedule. The court has already said what that schedule is.
banana
We have discussed doing drop-offs at a police station. We will HAVE to if we get an order of protection.
My attorney didn’t get it at first, but once she started listening to the tapes and saw all the texts alleging my poor parenting, she started to. Now she calls it like it is. She says “what an asshole!” 🙂
Thank you Matt.
I appreciate your expertise and I feel your compassion.
I sent her a copy of your first post including the NO VETO.
I believe she has my best interest in mind, but she doesn’t fully understand P’s, so your advice helps.
Matt
banana:
Another thought — has your ex remarried? I wasn’t sure if the woman funding his torture of you was his wife or not. If she is, I’d be going for a modification of his support agreement, taking into account HER income. A sad fact of being a second wife is that your income can end up going to support the first wife and kids.