By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
newstart12
oxdrover:
Yes, I needed to be reminded of that, but don’t you think women in particular are brought up to be ‘guilty.’ It’s a hard one to fight, but you are right, I let myself feel guilty when I could stop that and be in control of how I feel. I always was before. My son says when he first saw us together I was really strong with him, that was until he got himself in to my house. Then the chipping away started.
He wrote to his ex wife, ‘the trouble is she is a strident feminist.’ Now that did make me laugh, and yes I did start to hack his email and facebook chats – knowledge is power.
Matt:
I loved your post; I was thinking, ‘Oh, I’ll never get to go there again because it will be too sad,’ but now I can look at it in a different way.
Thanks so much for that.
Sarasims
henry and witsend….thank you so much!! I can’t tell u how much your encouragement means to me at this moment!!
Especially now…..I just got a text….it said “I’m still alive! Just to let you know! Things are not good here!”
I will not respond!!! I won’t ! Guys – what you say makes so much sense! And I know that you know that bc you’ve all been there. It’s just so nice to have you all analyze this for me. It helps so much!
Ox Drover
Dear Newstart,
While it might be interesting for you to check his face book, etc. I think in reality that is sort of a CONTACT and there really isn’t any NEED for you to let him have this space in your head.
Try TOTAL NC and don’t check on him, or follow what he is doing. Get a TOTAL NEW START, get him out of your head.
Don’t “rent” him space in there. If he is out of your life completely, you won’t care what he is up to because it has nothing to do with YOU.
Give it a try, the KNOWLEDGE that equals POWER is the Knowledge of WHATHE IS, and you already know that, the Knowledge that equals power is giving yourself back the knowledge that you are a unique and worthy individual and you do not deserve to be treated the way that piece of dog poo treated you.
You are powerful when you validate yourself, when you love yourself, and when you do not feel guilty any longer for taking care of yourself.
TOWANDA GF!!!!! Power to US!.
witsend
Sarasims,
You also really should at least give some serious thought as to changing your numbers…..That is what total N/C is really all about. Even if you don’t respond that message is taking up space in your head. Your still allowing him that space. He knows you got the message even if you didn’t respond.
Its like he is fishing. Your the fish.
He tried to “bait” you with the worm. Next will be a minnow….And so on.
You need to also look deep within yourself and ask the really hard questions…..Him still having access to reach you by text or phone calls. Is there a reason for this….
Sarasims
Witsend – and therein lies one of my dilemnas. My numbers are well established business numbers.
And he’s telling me in that message that there are still problems with the failed marriage that he is “trying” to save while keeping me at arms length….but I think he’s really still with the OW! Crazy huh??
Matt
Sarasims:
You are starting to get it. I could have predicted the “things are not good here” from him. Of course things are not good there. The subhuman has fend for himself. Personally, I am surprised that these pieces of crap even manage to breathe on their own. Guess that’s why they suck the oxygen out of everybody else’s rooms.
The phase you need to get to — and it takes awhile to get there — is ANGER. Pure, unadulterated anger. That was the phase where I finally started to get anger. You can’t live there indefinitely, but, boy was it healthy when I got there.
Meanwhile, I agree with witsend — change the numbers, change the emails, cut off as many routes of contact to you as possible. I know it’s a pain in the ass. But, it buys you peace of mind. Also, if anybody does betray you by giving out your information to S, you now know that there’s a traitor in your camp you need to cut out. And then do so. And change the info again.
Matt
Sarasims:
Sorry, you posted before I did. How about changing your personal numbers and then blocking him from the business numbers?
And yes — that he is even discussing his crazy situation is crazy. That’s why you need to delete the messages before you even open them. There is nothing in them of any importance.
Sarasims
I am NOT going to respond to his text….but if I were to respond – what is he looking for from me…..PITY? Or is he just there trying to keep me hanging??
Matt
Sarasims:
Actually, now that I think about it, his email is beyond crazy. Why should you give a shit if he is trying to save his failed marriage or anything else to do with it? He has sent you — loud and clear — the message that YOU are not a priority. So, why should he and his needs be a priority for you?
Matt
Sarasims:
Question: mWhat is he looking for from you? Pity? Keeping you hanging?
Answer: All of the above. Any of the above. None of the above. Who cares?
He’s trying to manipulate you. Plain and simple. One thing you can always say about a S — is when one tactic fails, they try another. BAsically throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. Bottom line to remember is you can’t hurt him — because he doesn’t have feelings. None of them do. They can make a reasonable attempt at feigning feelings. But, if you watch them closely, there’s not a lot going on below the surface.
Kathy Hawke one time suggested watching their actions against a blue screen. Turn off what they’re saying. Just watch the actions. Those give you the answer to what they’re really up to. And it’s true. Their words are distractions, projections, lies and nonsensical. Their actions cannot be denied.