By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Matt and witsend – so many people here at LF have helped me. But the things you said to me today seemed to really get me one foot further! For soooo very long (the past 10 months) I have been solely focused on him and wondering why he does what he does and so on. I have not once thought to replace he with “I”. And just listen to the question I’m asking.
Slowly I have accepted things along this path. First I couldn’t bear to think of him with anyone else. Now it doesn’t bother me – or not nearly as much. I realize that what we had (even though it was a lie) – will never be again. Even during the happy days I can identify the grooming that he was doing to get me to this stage. To have no obligation to me….have me happy to just speak to him again and hear his voice. He knows I won’t rock the boat bc he will take off again. So my choice is either to accept him as is (little to none…or take a hike). And sadly to say, I was almost willing to give into that, just to be with him. Compromise all sense of my morales. But I’m beginning to realize that I was not raised to have such little respect for myself. There are so many people that I don’t take any crap from….I can turn them on and off in a heartbeat. But with him…..it’s different. And I know it’s bc in the beginning he showed me everything I wanted in a man. And I thought I must be the luckiest woman in the world to stumble across him. He respected me, appreciated me, loved me, lusted me, the whole nine yards. I just have the hardest time letting that go, thinking it was all a game to him, realizing I let that happen. Or maybe it’s bc I think I’m too smart to let that happen. Or too beautiful for someone to do that to. I mean, wouldn’t any man be happy to have me?? And appreciate me…..HA! Guess not a SP!
I realize I’m just talking and not really saying anything productive. But I guess that’s called venting. And I haven’t texted him back after his message today…..nor did he text me again. It’s just hard for me to accept that after all the deep and meaningful conversations we had, walks holding hands, intimate love making, shared dreams….all he wants from me now is a booty call. Nothing but meaningless sex.
Matt,
I can travel, I cannot move out of the 20 mile radius.
Tonight he drove me crazy.
I know this is a lot, but I have no easy way to epxlain what I have just spend the last 5 hours doing.
I hate that he does this to ME!!!!!
My mom said he had to make it difficult because I wasn’t posing a challenge to him.
P: Nov 10, 2009 5:11 PM
R we doing normal time for drop off tomorrow? We both have it off and i didnt know if u still wanted to wake baby up early if we didnt have too.
Me: Nov 10, 2009 6:12 PM
He usually wakes up around 6:30. So I can meet you at Stewarts at 8:00 am if you’d rather.
P: Nov 10, 2009 6:19 PM
That is fine 8am. Would u rather meet closer around exit 24 since we don’t have to go to work? 0n thursday i have that concert to go to…so i can only have baby from 3:30pm to 5:30pm or if u would rather have me keep him longer tomorrow till about noon instead of having him for 2 hours thursday night.
Please let me know.
Me: Nov 10, 2009 6:59 PM
Okay. Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You would like to keep
baby until noon tomorrow in place of your thursday overnight?
P: Nov 10, 2009 7:01 PM
What r u willing to allow since i cant have him overnight thursday night? If i can keep him for most of the day tomorrow or overnight tomorrow night instead of thursday
Night…let me know…
Me:7:10 PM You can either have him till noon tomorrow or meet me at 8 am tomorrow and take him thursday from 3:30 till 5:30.
P: Nov 10, 2009 7:10 PM
Ill keep him till noon tomorrow. where do u want to meet?
Me: Nov 10, 2009 7:14
Exit 24
P: Nov 10, 2009 7:13 PM
Ok exit 24 at noon…east side?
Me: Nov 10, 2009 7:17 PM
East side of the exit 24 tolls at 12pm tomorrow.
P: Nov 10, 2009 7:16 PM
Ok
Me: Nov 10, 2009 8:59 PM
To clarify. Since you are getting Noah from 6:15 am till 12pm tomorrow, you will not be expecting me to drop off baby Thursday at 3:30. Am I correct?
P: Nov 10, 2009 9:11 PM
Well if you wouldnt mind i would like to have him for my dinner visit considering i wont see him for 7 days
Me: Nov 10, 2009 9:16 PM
Don’t change plans on me. I gave you two options. Please meet me at 8am tomorrow at exit 24. Since you will be seeing him at your scheduled time thursday.
P: Nov 10, 2009 9:24 PM
You are not willing to give me 4 hours tomorrow and my dinner visit considering im not gonna have him for 7 days.. Im supposed to have baby at 330 on sudays and i dont get him till 11pm…. I will notify the law gardian that you one again take away and not willing to give..You say you want whats best for baby, but you constantly keep messing with his sleeping schedule.
Me: Nov 10, 2009 10:09 PM
Okay. You can have baby till 10 am tomorrow. AND thursday 3:30 till 5:30. Is that okay. I want to settle.
P: Nov 10, 2009 10:10 P
U take the majority of the day tomorrow….
Me: Nov 10, 2009 10:17 PM
Okay. Give me the plan. What time am I meeting you tomorrow?
P: Nov 10, 2009 10:16 PM
12pm
Me: Nov 10, 2009 10:23 PM
Please be clear with me. If you want him till noon do you still want him thursday for dinner?
I still have no daycare for my son.
banana,
I don’t remember if your visitation is court appointed or something “loose” that you both have decided upon.
FIRST thing that needs to happen is that it is written in stone. In other words if he has a concert to go to or dinner or an appointment this is NOT your PROBLEM. It is his problem for making the appointment or making plans that interfere with his visitation time.
IF HE has plans and he “gives up” time with his son to pursue those plans I do not believe that it is your responsibility to give him another time for visitation.
Matt can define more the actual process if you don’t have this visitation court appointed.
The times and dates need to be CLEAR and you need to stick to them to the letter. The DROP off & PICK up place clear and do not alternate. I would urge you to have a place where YOU feel safe for pick up and drop offs.
Otherwise he will play this “game” with you UNTIL he tires of it. And he might NOT tire of it for a long time if he gets off on it. He wants you to be flexable to his whims and the more you flex the more he will put you in this position.
He is trying to run your life around “him”. It is the same thing with the daycare. He messes up the daycare situation and now you are stuck finding new daycare.
This is one of those FACTUL things to document if you find out that your daycare provider WAS on the up and up with state regulations. He just sabotaged your sons daycare.
Ditto to what Wit said, Banana.
SET, CARVED IN STONE, THAT’S THE WAY IT IS VISITATION.
As far as that goes, why are you driving half way there and so oon to convenience HIM? Didn’t you say it is like 3 hours to where he lives? Is it YOUR PROBLEM he lives so far away? If he wants to see the child he can drive there and meet you at the police station for pick up and delivery.
Do not cooperate with him in anything the COURT DOESN’T ORDER. If he keeps the baby over time CALL THE COPS and report it. HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING FROM YOU in the way of “nicey nice” and he is keeping you on a string that he can pull, so he is still IN CONTROL.
How about you e mail him that you will have the baby available at 5:30 at the police station for his pick up and you expect the child returned at X time AT THE POLICE STATION.
NO PROBLEM for you. Then no conversation about anything except the pick up and drop off times —if the court ordered you to drive part of the way—do the exchanges at the cop shop nearest that exit. That will put a stop to his crap.
YOU TAKE CONTROL sweetie! Don’t worry that it pisses him off! (((((hugs))))
banana:
First, I second what witsend and OxDrover have said. YOur agreement has to be carved in stone. And then you don’t allow one iota of variation. Not your problem he has concernt tickets. Not your problem is he’s running late. He doesn’t comply, you haul his ass into court. No being reasonable on this.
Second, regarding the 20 miles limitation — this makes no sense. He lives 3 hours away. At a minimum the zone should be anywhere within 3 hours of his home. That would maintain the status quo, no?
His demand is nonsense. Moreover, there is well-established caselaw regarding a custodial parent’s right to relocate. Especially when the parent has a job opportunity. The right to relocate does come with costs such as you will now have to absorb all transportation costs (airfares, etc) for your child to visit his father and the agreement will have to be varied in order to give the father longer periods of time during holidays and vactions since weekly visits are not practical. You get the idea.
Banana:
I third the above….
And let me add…..
It is YOU also that must NEVER expect HIM to concede for you in accomodating a change….
Don’t ever ask for anything different than is spelled out.
You must follow it to a tee also!
THis may seem like a pain in th butt….but allow for more time in your travels and sit at Mc Donalds in the ball pit and let your son unwind from the journey… It will become second nature to you.
There is NO flexability with a S……so don’t expect any.
This is why you must folllow all orders to a Tee……it resolves any and all issues. You will have the ex trained for NO!
With his crazy texts….he’s training you….
I’m sure you will figure the daycare out…..don’t lose sleep over it….it all seems to work out!!!
Really!
🙂
Sorry if my post were unclear.
I visit my parents every weekend and to take a class at my church for Christ Life Solution.
That’s 3 hours away.
Although, MATT, he decided to live with his girlfriend 40 miles away, so yes, my limit should not be less than that!!!
My attorney proposed 100, we are tryingto settle for 60.
Tuesday I received a letter from CPS.
Thursday they visited.
It was about the burn he got fom grabbing a light bulb.
I told my S/P. Made a Dr. appt. and took my son. The burns were 1st degree.
That night my P/S had CPS visit and look at the burn and pictures of bruises my son had the prior week from falling on a plastic lid and and off his tricycle in my home.
The CPS worker didn’t seem concerned about my parenting. I was there for every incident, but I should not be expected to remain within 1 foot of my child at all times.
My P/S is claiming I am not supervising. I am always there, that’s how I know how and when he gets hurt!!!!!!
Dear Banana,
I know this is frustrating and miserable for you and anxiety producing. That is why he is doing that.
I suggest that you keep a log of every time your son gets a scrape or bruise etc. and Photos as well. Just keep a little digital camera in your pocket and photograph as much as you can.
KEEP CALM when the CPS visits and just act like “oh, well, he is bothering you people again” (don’t say that I wouldn’t think, but act like you are just RESIGNED to the problems your X is causing you, and them, and I know this is not their first RODEO either. Also I suggest FULL BODY photos of your son (with date stamp) before you let him go to your X’s so any marks he has on him before he goes, or any AFTER will be documented.
Hopefully, your x will get tired of this game soon when you are not arrested and tarred and feathered. LOL (head shaking here) Oh, what they will do for drama! (((hugs))))
Banana:
Try to keep perspective….it’s VERY hard……it will come out in the wash.
His attempts at portraying you as a poor parent.
Why all of a sudden? Well…because he’s punishing YOU.
Tha’ts it…..he’ s using the CPS in his pawn…..this is why CPS isn’t able to ‘catch’ the parents who end up murdering their children or keep them in box’s under beds…..etc….they are too busy following up on claims like your ex’s.
Your seeking medical care for your child, you investigated day care, you with your child……your doing the right things! Do not doubt your parenting…..but look at the source.
I agree with Oxy’s advice…..and I don’t think this is the last you have seen of CPS……..take it as routine……he will call and call……
This will not serve him well.
Keep documenting, following the law to a T, be the best parent you can be, and slap him with this in court.
He’s not entering uncharterd waters……with all his antics. It’s been done before him!
Do not discuss anything with your ex, unless it”s court ordered you must.
Offer nothing more than you have to…..
In my situation with my kids…..the only ‘right’ the father has is to check grades online……he doesn’t…even after all his ‘cries’ of I love my kids, I want to be part of their life, when he was offered by the judge…..the token of checking grades online……..He walked! It was ME he was trying to affect…..and using the kids…….
This is the game. No secret, yet no less difficult to live.
Root yourself in for the long haul……he ain’t going away…
Try to identify your ‘open’ mouseholes he can creep in and affect you and child…….and cement them up……close them off. Some you will not be able to…..but this is where documentation comes in, and especially when a child is so young.
I would also look at his acusations as possible projections…..what trail is he trying to mislead you, attorneys and CPS from finding? Could it be possible HE is abusing the child?
If I recall….isn’t your ex dating his attorney?
…..my attorney wouldn’t even hire me until after she was off the case! So to have joint accounts etc….with his attorney….
This should be pointed out to the judge……
Excuse me if I got someone else mixed up with you…..and disregard.