By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Banana, listen to EB and learn all you can. She’s the bomb.
Whenever you feel weak or afraid, tell yourself to get your EB on. Take a deep breath and then do it! She knows of what she speaks.
Erin,
I am less than thrilled to hear “he aint going away”
But I do hope you are right when you say “this will not serve him well”
My attorney is working up an emergency motion. Shewas surprised it took her two days and over 20 pages. She was only half way through the incedent report and she was already on “Q” at 11 pages!
She is requesting an order of protection from anything farther than text massages immediately regarding pick-up and drop-off and our son’s health. Pick up and drop off will be at the trooper headquarters.
I am already photographing. I just have to be more consistant because I worry only taking pictures some of the time will make me look like I’m hiding something.
I worry too when you suggest that he is projecting the abuse. He is accusing me of neglect: not supervising my son.
I know he is way to selfish to really pay attention to our son. I watched him for 9 months with our son and I know how he rarely paid attention to me in our short three years.
He only does well when it benefits him. So you can bet your arse he’s only playing super dad if someone his watching.
ADVICE PLEASE:
Everyone here is saying to follow visitation to a a T also.
Saying if he is one minute late to leave, but let’s present a scenareo.
Let’s say I am meeting my S/P on my way to work to pick UP my son and drop him off at day care, and he is late.
1) Do I leave, and text him asking that he drive our son to daycare?
2)What if he drops him off at my XMIL?
3)Do I call the cops and report that my son was not dropped off at Day care?
Thanks. I want to be prepared.
Erin,
Can you give me some specifics on “Mouse holes” you might suggest I close up?
All really good questions. Our girl is listening. EB?
Dear Banana,
I would see (and this may be very inconvenient) if you can make the trade off at the cop-shop every time. DO not let him pick the kid up at the day care or drop him off there.
Only you (or a designated other person) and ONLY at the cop shop. The thing is if he has ANY WIGGLE ROOM he will use it to undermine you.
He cares NOT a WHIT for your son, he only cares and is using the child as a CLUB to hit YOU over the head, to punish you.
He will pull out EVERY DIRTY TRICK that he can. He will violate every agreement, and keep up the crap.
SO if you want him to go away, you need to make it inconvenient for HIM, and that he gets no “reward” for not sticking to the rules (i.e. making trouble for you) which means, if you can arrange it that someone else picks up and drops off your child and HE NEVER SEES YOU.
The only ONLY reason for visitation is to hassle you! Period.
You have to take the “reward” away from him (seeing you and making your life miserable and keeping you off balance) It is his LAST VESTAGE OF CONTROL OVER YOU.
Let your attorney figure out some way if she can so that you get an ORDER OF PROTECTION of some kind, or a STRICT visitation thing and stick to it to a tee. If you have a friend or close person who can do the “in person” transfer of the child that would be I think IDEAL as he couldn’t see you.
If you must be there, make it at a cop shop and have a cop there with you so there is NO CONVERSATION WITH HIM. NONE, ZIP ZERO CONVERSATION. That will take all the FUN out of it for him. He wil lthen, I think, get bored with it. We KNOW FOR A FACT he does NOT care for the baby, so if there is no fun in it, what is the point?
What Narcissistic supply can someone get from a baby? Babies are more “trouble than they are worth” except to use as a club to mess with you. I think if you can take the fun out of it for him, then he will fade away after a few months.
Then the e mails will be only like “pick him up at the cop shop at 7:45” End of e mail. NO response to anything else. He will get bored with that. mad too probably but he will be BOXED in. By having him pick up and drop off the baby at the cop shop, he will HAVE TO BE THERE PRETTY MUCH ON TIME.
Good luck, Banana, you know I am here for you and on your side!@....... We all are! (((hugs))) and my prayers!
I know this is trivial to what could be and to what others are dealing with right now, but I had to talk to the p today because he called at time he was suppose to be picking my son up to tell me he wasn’t (he will tomorrow, because my son wants to go) and when I said “well, I have to go” he interrupted me to say “well, I’m going to get off of here.” He has done this every time we have had to speak since he has been gone…..The longer the day the madder I have gotten. I am soooo ticked off. I want to tell him off, I know though not to do that but I hate his “got the last word crap”. Oh, I’m just so angry My blood pressure is up or something and it’s just killing any happiness for the blessing of him not having my son to play head games with today. I’m feeling a lot of hate right now.
I just had to get that off my chest.
Heaven – It would piss me off that he called at the time he was supposed to pick up his son instead of calling earlier. Was your son expecting him at a certain time? How old is your son? That was a crappy thing to do. Makes me feel sad for your son… THEY always get the last word, it’s a form of control, like he was in control of the call.. I dislike this creep ass of a dad more all the time..just breathe and relax – dont let him work you like this, he is not worth it
Heaven Read Oxys post/advice above to Banana – it is the same thing you should do.
Dear Heave,
Henry is right it is the “I have to have the last word” control bit that they do.
Next time, just say “well, gotta go–bye!” and HANG UP before he has a chance to say anything. LOL Better yet, just let it roll off your back and laugh at the spathole (that’s henry’s word) LOL
If we change our way of THINKING about what they do, it doesn’t GET TO US any more. We put the buttons they push on OUT OF ORDER and don’t let them connect to us.
They know which button to “push this and make her mad” or “push this and make her cry” etc. etc. but we just have to disconnect the wires and they can push til they are blue in the face and WE DONT CARE!!!! (((hugs))))
Banana:
Yes, to a T! It sounds as if you have asked for a bit of flexability, and he has taken the flexability to a new level.
Remember, if there is something you want, or could be more convenient or benefit YOU in any way”..an S will sabotage and exploit it—they view these ’requests’ as announcing your vulnerability”.and your doomed with them!
So”.you must eliminate any show of emotions or vulnerability”.as it gives them a headsup of what ’gets’ to you.
You must NEVER ask for a ’favor’ or change set plans. The plans MUST be your bible! Come hell or high water YOU must do whatever it takes to see to it”.your on time, you meet at the scheduled place, your there and square. PERIOD!
So”.that said”.he will have nothing on you, no guilt, no, you owe me”.I did so and so for you last time, no nothing”..and you can and will expect him to follow to a T.
I would suggest waiting a reasonable time period”.10 minutes max. This shows your being ’reasonable’ to the courts.
You DO NOT have to take his calls or texts, this seems to be an avenue to stretch the limits and cause troubles.
If he doesn’t want his son on the scheduled times”..fine, no change of days. He must work his schedule around his son”.He’s a parent. The courts would expect this.
Like Oxy says”..make it inconvenient to him!
When you take the photos, make sure the date is set. Don’t make it obvious with your son”..okay kiddo”pose, turn right, turn left”..Take them of him in the bathtub showing you his rubber duckie, or another naked or diapered time—ask him to do a summersault when he is only wearing a diaper, or show mommy your muscles, flex”.ooohhh your so strong”make it a fun game”..this way, the kid won’t grow up thinking he is being ’inventoried’ by mom”.and you won’t be accused of god forbid”.child porn!
Download the pics immediately and run a disk off”.keep it in a safe and never destroy.
If you son does get an injury, take a photo—just become the mom with the camera. It’s routine.
You must be at work on time. Save your late ’passes’ for YOUR emergencies”.not the S placing you in this position.
Think about the arrangements you make with him, and what would work best for YOU in all scenarios. Knowing him.
Maybe ask for son to be dropped off the night before. If he is late, it isn’t going to make you lose your job.
Your scenarios are tough”.The ultimate answer is ”..You need to figure a way to put the responsibility BACK on him.
I would try to keep him away from any day care, but this may be impossible. In that case, you leave, go to work and let the S drop him off at daycare”..that’s the best I can come up with”
After he has turned in a few day care providers—someone will take note! Wow what a coincidence, when little Johnny is in a particular day care”..CPS is called in? Hmmmm.
Banana”..no they don’t go away, as long as they ’get’ something from the behaviors”..So ”..MAKE HIM”.go away by YOUR behaviors/responses.
Remember, this is a business deal”..there are NO EMOTIONS in business! DO NOT take anything personally, your on a mission here!
As pissed as he may provoke you to be”..DO WHATEVER you MUST to remain indifferent to him, and his antics”..go against your grain—this takes practice and strength. The more you do it, the more empowered you become, the more you will continue and It will become second nature.
Listen, they all turn into the Disneyland dad, during a divorce”..they are on stage during this time—whatever~”.let em”.remember IT”S NOT PERSONAL, you just keep documenting ALL the behaviors.
You need to get him to a point where he is bored with your responses”..only then will he move on”.
This process is very long”..during the time between separation and divorce/custody settlements—it seems like an eternity. BUT”..this is the crucial time, you need to be documenting, collecting FACTS”.reports, pictures, letters from folks etc”..and REMAIN STRONG AND STEDFAST in your goal—or”..KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE.
You will not win all the battles—you going for a win of the ’war’.
If you can document and get the picture across to the attorney”.unemotionally—it’ll bite him in the ass in the end!
You can’t retaliate, you have to maintain the image of good mother, timely, caring, providing, loving—leaving NO stone unturned. The way you always are towards your baby.
Don’t worry about HIS claims”..are they true? NO”.so move on—..take it like a grain of salt and learn to let it drip off you quick”.Ya, Ya”.blah ,blah”.ho hum”.
Hey, I was accused of faking Cancer, being mentally Ill, an alcoholic, and a bad parent”..If kids did poorly in school, my fault, if they fell, my fault, if they got sick, my fault”.
Okay”.then show me some substance—.what are your claims based on?
They are alarming”.but none were true”..In fact, one child responded to him when he said I was an alcoholic”..she said—Doesn’t mom have to drink to be an alcoholic?”.
He may have been better off saying I was a lesbian”..something no one would be able to prove—Or a bank robber—.AN ALCOHOLIC”.that claim is absurd”because anyone”.ANYONE who has ever spent time with me”..knows I am not much of a drinker”..I can open a bottle of wine and have one glass”.end up throwing the rest away 6 days later”.. I also had files and files of medical records”.Oh yeah”.he said I paid the dr’s off and forged the records”that’s right.
Oh, OOOkkkkay!
Point is”..we can’t defend ourselves against all the claims—We need to take an offensive approach to our lives”..cover your ass when it comes to the S, but do not find yourself defending each claim he makes”.it won’t end”..
How we can secure the mouse holes”..it all depends on YOUR situation”..
I knew what the S was going to attack, and how—so I counter controlled and did what I could to seal off that entry. Yours seems to be attacking through the child”.Don’t give him any ’means’.
IE”.I knew S would break into the home, so I installed cameras”.all over”..he got caught and I turned film over to police—Made it known—
I sealed up the hole where he has no idea of my level of security systems”..and he won’t take that chance”.He never wanted to be recorded.
I knew he would try and steal my rental home—after it was declared mine”.I immediately got it signed over into my name only, I used my Power of attorney—I prevented him from making me fight him again in court for something that was already awarded to me”..as he had possession and would have impeded my income.
I knew he wanted access to the kids via a phone call—once a week, he used it as an avenue of abuse, I recorded the calls and played them for the judge”..boom”..NC to the kids”..
I played by the rules, and when they were broken, I reported.
I continued to pay all the bills, took out cash advances from CC’s”..I didn’t cut him off from CC’s etc”..(my cards I did)”.I didn’t cancel his car insurance”..I never did anything so he could twist me into the appearance of vindictive or malice. He did it all!
Like I said”..I expected MORE RELIEF, during the process—.but we don’t—we must go the length! In the end, if you do the right things, aid in the exposure to the courts”..they will hang themselves.
If he is late, you leave”..send him an email stating due to his tardiness, he must take child to daycare. If you get a call from daycare, child is not there, email him back giving him 1 hour to get kid to daycare or you will call police”..and follow through.
I would run these scenarios by your attorney”..from an unemotional perspective”..to confirm. If YOUR paying for daycare, the kid must be there, you must know where you child is at all times.
I would also suggest, investigating a few other daycares in case he pulls another antic”.and maybe get to know the provider and ’give them a heads up’ if they won’t freak out. Ask them never to give ANY information about you to the father.
Mouse holes are any weakness he may be able to exploit in you”..of perceived openings for attack. They are situation specific”.but my examples above can lead you into looking into your own situation and seeing the holes that need plugging.
Good luck”
XXOO
EB
Heaven:
The above post to Banana will apply to your situation also….
I may have ‘combined’ your stories…..if so….sorry.
Good luck to you too.
XXOO
EB