By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Henry wrote: THEY always get the last word.
No, God takes it. WE can just let them THINK they get the last word, or cut the wires, as Oxy said.
Erin Says to tell him to drop the baby off at daycare if he’s late.
Oxy says, never give him the satisfaction.
I think I see where oxy has a point. If ALL exchanges are at the “cop shop” I’m right there with a witness that S/P is late, so, so maybe this sort of thing will be lass and less likely to occur.
Thanks everyone for your help. I feel the love here more and more everyday : )
The way you carefully consider my needs and take the time to answer all of my questions.
Dear Banana,
Erin and I are essentially saying the same thing….the details may vary, but the UNemotional approach. Remember back when you said to your son as he took him “I love you” and he said “No you don’t” and you got so UPSET. This is what I am talking to you about. You must NOT let what this creap says or does throw you into a “tizzy”
You must get the custody and pick up drop off so HE does NOT get a chance to say anything nasty to you—the cop shop is a good place for a WITNESSS that is not connected, and is reliable and a good one to call in the event he says the kid’s leg was broken when he picked him up or some other crazy lie.
This way too, YOU are protected, and the reason yo uwant it this way (to the judge) is because your X called CPS on you and you are afraid of your X (didn’t he try to strangle you or something in the past?) This arrangement will NOT be a good one for HIM and he will NOT like it at all.
Picking up and dropping off your son is his way to HARRAS YOU and it is FUN for him. he gets to pith you off, inconvenience you and so on. What better way to pull your chain and push your buttons? There is no better way that I can think of. He is ENJOYING this.
So essentially EB and I are saying the same thing, arrange the details for YOUR benefit, then STICK TO THEM TO THE LETTER.
If he has made you late for work (document time, date, etc) then in an effort to keep this from happening again, then you need to make sure the kid is there the night before, so he CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN.
Communicate ONLY via text or e mail and short, and concise. If he texts you something nasty, DO NOT RESPOND TO IT.
The text must be ONLY “I will meet yo uat the cop shop at x time –which is the prearranged time by the court–and if he is 10-15 minutes late (that amount of time should also be specified in the custody arrangement.) then LEAVE. Do not give him another day or anything for HIS convenicence.
Plus, E B is right, you CANNOT ASK FOR ANYthing from him either. So if you have to get out of bed with a fever of 110 and take the kid to the cop shop, you have to do it, unless you are in the hospital.
But my guess is after a few weeks or months of NO FUN pulling your chain, he will quit even trying to see the jkid. He will however come back everyonce in a while just to keep you off balance, but I wouldn’t worry about that just handle it day by day.
YOU CAN DO IT. This is TAKING CONTROL AWAY from him.
In order to have some peace, you have to be strong, and look at the END GOAL, not just the little lcrap he pulls day to day. LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.
YOU CAN DO IT GF! I know you can! Love oxy ((((hugs)))))
Banana:
You have 2 choices if he is late…..(about losing your job)
continue to wait and place your job in jepordy.
-Or-
Give him 10 minute leeway and get to your job on time.
Being able to document the exchange/lateness is crucial.
You need to speak to your attorney about SPELLING EVERYTHING OUT IN THE ORDERS! Including if he is late by 10 minutes, you have to be at work on Wed am’s, fri am’s (you get it)…this is HOW it will go. This is what you will follow, this is what he will follow. If he doesn’t follow XX, you will do this/that.
Bottom line, if he’s late and your not there, you had to proceed to work…..well…..the cops ain’t gonna take your son.
Something needs to happen to your son, and if the kid is scheduled for Day care that day……well….who’s gonna drop him off?
If you can find some other alternative plan with a friend of whatever, that can be SPELLED OUT…..but he may come back and say….well, my mother is willing to take the kid.
It’s a catch 22 with the daycare and knowing YOUR situation intimately…..only you can be aware if it’s possible or not to keep him away.
It would certainly be optimal for you……but is it possible?
If he is continually late, then yes….ask the courts to have him drop the child off in the night time, before dinner. (after work, when you are not as worried his lateness can effect you)
Yes, request the police station drop off-pick up point, and take your son into the lobby, or you wait in the lobby…. so everyone knows your there……each time, like clockwork. even 5 minutes early…..waiting.
It’ll be noticed…..your behaviors….your habits……AND HIS!
Keep a log, sign in/sign out……type notebook…..have the clerk sign it each time.
If you don’t deviate, there is no reason to take a text from him……you don’t have to confirm what has already been confirmed in orders. If he’s late, he can call the clerk at the police station to relay info…..it’ll put his game out in the open….quick!
Like OXy said……Bottom line, figure out what works for you, and take the control away from him. YOU set the ‘pace’ or the standards……by memorializing them in the orders……
Oxy is just so clear in her writings….I’m sorry I can’t write clearer…..I’m hoping you understand the content….
Henry,
Thank you! He isn’t worth it. Yes my son was expecting him. He is 10. He wasn’t surprised, mad or (thank God) hurt. (he was suppose to have visitation starting yesterday and ending this evening) I just know what he has done to us in the past and know that every minute he lets go of with my son is a blessing from God. Todays’s new article has a list of concerns for if the p has time with the child, well questions and it’s a list of all my complaints and worries (kind of validating)
Oxy,
I have cut the wires to so many of the buttons he used and was kind of proud of that, I think that’s what amplified the anger was that he hit a button and it worked. He doesn’t know it did, but I do.
Erin,
Thank you for great detail!
Thornbud,
Yes God will have the last word! Thanks for reminding me.
I really needed all the validation, support, understanding, and plans of action…Thank you all so much!
I guess I sound crazed in a way, I don’t really feel so good. The p picked my son up this morning and didn’t get to see me at all or I him. That was good. Late last night though, both of my boys did what kids do sometimes and my feelings were so hurt, I cried for hours. I don’t usually cry that long, but I guess I needed to. It was just awful because it was just like the p always done. They don’t understand I guess that some things just aren’t funny when you had a p do it to you constantly. Oh well, tomorrow will be a better do I’m sure (I hope)
I know there’s other talk going on on another thread, but I haven’t read any of it so I just wanted to say, it’s not that I don’t care, I’ll try to catch up later.
Love, hugs, and prayers, heavenbound
Okay,
At the risk of sounding STUPID, What IS my end goal?
Oxy,
“But my guess is after a few weeks or months of NO FUN pulling your chain, he will quit even trying to see the kid. He will however come back every once in a while just to keep you off balance, but I wouldn’t worry about that just handle it day by day.”
I hope and will PRAY that this IS the case.
It’s incredible. My son is back on a “normal schedule” even though he’s in a new day care. He has been such a happy boy. He doesn’t seem to mind that he’s not seeing daddy every week now : )
Erin,
Did you mean keep S/P “away” from day care?
I am trying my best. I work late wednesdays and cannot make the drop-off time. So, in the past I dropped my son of at S/P mother’s and S/P picked him up there.
GREAT because I don’t have to see S/P, but not great in that she raised the S/P and I think she may be one herself.
Also, I have no idea what he has told her and how uncomfortable I will be around her and communicating with her. (This was my attorney’s reasoning to the court for not using her as daycare).
So now we are looking at Thursdays, but it will mean that S/P had our son Thursday PM thru Friday AM then Friday PM thru Monday AM.
I figure, “it’s only every other week.”
We are requesting COP SHOP. Erin, I really like your idea about the sign-in journal. I will use it, and also have the clerk sign when S/P arrived. I will also ask an officer to walk me to my car, as I will not know if S/P is waiting for me in the parking lot.
bananna,
The best thing is to SIMPLIFY this in your own head so you always stay focused on the end result rather the (emotional) “stuff” you have to go through to get there.
The best end result you could get is that he looses interest with time, plain and simple. If he looses interest he spends less time with your son! That is your goal…..If you think he manipulates you through your son now, while he is still a baby….OMG you ain’t seen nothing yet…
If you have these drop off and pick ups and all visitation “rules” and they are court ordered and you follow then to the detail….He will not like it cause it doesn’t give him wiggle room. He can’t create his “texting” drama, he can’t give up a day for a concert and pick up a day to replace it…..Pretty soon with any luck he will see less and less of your son. Because seeing your son won’t benifit him like it does now when he tries to make your life so miserable. Once the “game” ends for him hopefully he will not be in your sons life as much as he is now.
That will improve your life and your sons life 🙂
bananna,
I had a thought but I am not sure what you can do about it now. However I would SERIOUSLY give it some thought to see what you might do to avoid this.
You mentioned about his mother having the baby on one of the days that you drop him off by her. If I were you I would do WHATEVER I had to do for his mother not to have a entire day that she babysits your son……The reason I say this is if she is disordered, even an N, she will get very possesive of this time with your son and if your X does tire of spending time with his son and starts lagging off (WHAT YOU WANT) HIS mother with be the one to push him into continuing regular visitation and she will lure him into this by saying he can bring the baby by her house.
Unless you think she is good for the baby, cause there is nothing better than a doting grandparent. But if she is disordered herself she can do your end result “goal” alot of damage.
Hey guys……
Off to court with Soc #2….
I think this may be my last time in court with a S….
Hopefully for a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG while!
I really don’t think he’ll show…..but I’m ready for him just the same!
I’ll fill ya in when I get back.
Cat, I posted to your comment to me on another thread and I can’t find it now (am having internet connection problems so it went off into cyber space. Not ignoring you.
‘
Good luck EB on your court case! I may not be back onlilne much today, this internet connection (via air card) is driving me bonkers. My son says is something to do with soft ware when I used a borrowed air card a while back but he is putting my new computer up and transferring data so maybe I will be in better computer shape SOON! I’m gonna post this before I lose it. You guys have a good day if I don’t get back. I’m so frustrated now I want to toss the thing through the window! Can’t do it, it is cold outside! LOL