By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Oh. MAATTTT!More BAD news.
Copied from above
From my attorney:
“The papers were filed and signed by the “on duty” judge. He did not award any immediate relief because he did not believe that there was a threat to you of physical harm. (Remember I had indicated to you that to get an order of protection, the Judge looks for physical abuse”.) There is a hearing scheduled for Tuesday, November 24, at 10:30. You must be there at that time.
A warning that your bill next month is going to be high due to the work on the papers that were just filed, (which was roughly 24 hours).”
I am wasting my money and time.
You guys know how abusive these S/Ps can be.
Dear ((((Banana))))
Sweetie I am sorry this jerk is still jerkinig you around. I know how hard it is NOT to call him, but NEXT TIME YOU WILL KNOW AND BE STRONGER.
I can tell from your posts that you are starting to get a good handle on the buttons that he has been pushing and to SNIP the wires so he gets NO RESPONSE.
Keep the GOAL in mind, ALWAYS up front. Get the ass out of your kid’s life. BORE AWAY. FRUSTRATE AWAY!!!!
At first he will get WORSE for a while….EXPECT THAT! So you will not be suprised. It has always worked in the past, so he figures if he turns up the steam a bit it will eventually WORK, so he will turn up the steam. LET HIM RANT AND RAVE, NOTHING HE SAYS IS TRUE.
My bet is that if you contact the doctor, the doctor will say he never called. My bet is the KID WAS NOT SICK AT ALL.
You are getting there, Banana, and it won’t be long before you can predict what this jerk is doing before he does it! LOL God bless and you are in my prayers. Love Oxy
Can someone tell me how I can be smart enough to know what the SP is doing to me but let him do it anyway. I let him get back into my life with his sob story of being sorry and how I was the only one he missed and loved. Then when he saw he had me, he told me he was working on his failed marriage bc he wanted to be around his kids but he wanted me in his life. He cared so much but couldn’t be in a relationship with strings bc he had to save his marriage. But he informed me that he WOULD like to F**K me bc together we were good! How can I be so stupid??? How can I truly believe in a man like this? All of you can read this and tell me he is a monster but WHY do I still see this handsome man that I just want to show that it can be different?? Why do I continue to ask these questions? I just want to go to sleep for a year and wake up when it’s all over. The pain the frustration the games. Why do I LONG to be his #1 again? when it doesn’t matter if your #1, #2, or #3 – in the end he treats all of them like shit!
Why? Because you like the dream of what could be (in your mind, though it can’t be) better than you like reality. Why? Because there is no problem with YOUR ability to bond. Why? Because sex releases bonding hormones and chemicals and so do romantic thoughts. Why? Because you have not gone NO CONTACT. Why? Because you are letting him override your values and self-esteem. You KNOW you deserve better, want better. Alone is better. MUCH better.
Been there, Sarasims. No contact is the only answer.
((((Dear Sara)))))
I have felt that same pain, that same frustration at wanting to be wanted by the very man who was a total psychopath who would (AND WAS) NEVER FAITHFUL to any one woman. He wanted another “respectable” wife to keep his harem at bay.
Oh, how GOOD it COULD have been…how wonderful, how much fun! What chemistry we had. When I kicked his sorry arse to the curb, told him to never come back…I cried and cried and wondered if I had been mistaken, maybe it COULD have worked.
NO IT COULDN’T WORK because he was an IMAGE, a hologram NOT REAL, not able to care, just wanted to use me for a shield to keep his girlfriends in line.
Darlilng, I know it hurts, to feel so devalued, so (in my case at least) so needy for a loving relationship that I wanted so bad. Someone to grow old with, to laugh with, to have fun with, who enjoyed my sons and me, and our life together.
We could have had it all! Yet the only thing I would have had to give us is: MY SELF RESPECT, MY REALITY (and pretend he wassn’t lying and sleeping with others when I knew he was) to let him devalue me, to treat me with disrespect, to put me down all the time….I couldn’t live with that. I realized I couldn’t live with that and I gave up my own fantasy of our “perfect” relationship, because that is all it was.
I think about it like opening a present.
If you EXPECT a present to contain a certain thing, and you open the box and it isn’t THAT THING you are disappointed. It isn’t that what is in the box isn’t nice, it just isn’t what you EXPECTED. So you are disappointed.
You held a wrapped box and thought it held the Hope Diamond, when instead it held a pile of cat crap. Yea, cat crap isn’t nice, and yo usure wish it really was the Hope Diamond. But you only have two choices, tie the cat crap to your hand and pretend it is the Hope Diamond, or throw it out the back door. This man just wants a FREE Fvch and he wants you to provide it WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS OTHER THAN THAT.
Is that what you want to be? A sex toy? I don’t think so. You want what ANY normal woman would want, a RELATIONSHIP. to them sex is just warm body mastrubation, to US it is a bonding ritual with people we love—not the same thing. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT!
HE IS NOTHING! YOU DESERVE BETTER! EVEN NOTHING IS BETTER THAN HE IS. ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers fo ryour healing and your peace, Sara Love Oxy
Sarasims,
You are not stupid Sara….Please don’t say that about yourself. Your intellectual side knows that he isn’t any good for you…..So it isn’t about being smart.
It is the addictive part of the relationship that lures you back.
Have you read no contact begins in my head lately? I think it is one of those articles here on LF that deserves to be read over and over when you are doubting yourself.
It really might help you also if you convince yourself that he is like a drug for you.
Admit (to yourself) that you are powerless over him. And then it will be easier to see that even one little phone call, one little text, one email (whatever way he contacts you) is like one little beer for the alcoholic.
You can do this Sara….
xoxox
Thanks for your encouragement guys! It played out just like I had hoped except for the last step. I screwed up!
He was actually talking to me. He was listening and communicating. We had this perfect relationship (or so I thought) until it went to hell when he started seeing this OW. When he came back this time he convinced me that she had tricked him into believing horrible things about me. Told me how much he loved me, then threw a curve by saying how he only wanted me to f**k me. I just couldn’t understand. This man loved me soooo very much in the beginning. Keeps coming back. I thought surely he must love me but just be afraid of committing. Afraid of getting “too” involved. I kept him at bay and “felt” it out. I stood in front of my mirror and looked at myself….having every opportunity to make the right decision. Set my boundaries and say NO – if you are only back to have me be your whore I WONT do it!!! This time he even told me “no strings”. But I thought, if I can only see him, he will realize there is still so much there. But the day came and I made the very WRONG decision. Today, he told me his family is his priority and to leave him the hell alone. He doesn’t want to talk to me or see me. And what you guys don’t know is that he is really a THUG (whom I happened to love) and I am a respectable member of the community. And he makes me feel like some loser! Some crazed stalker. Bc after he does this to me….he totally ignores me. Ignores my text msgs despite the fact that I beg him to just answer…..with any response. Just so I know what he’s thinking. How can I continue to make the wrong decision OVER and OVER again! When will I get tired of the abuse?
Dear (((sara))))
You will make the right decision when YOU DECIDE YOU WILL. No one can make that decision for you, no one can act for you.
Witty is right, it is like a DRUG, you need, I think to get the book, The Betrayal Bond. It is a very good book and points out the whys and hows of our emotionally bonding (getting addicted to) the very person who abuses us.
Take it one day at a time. One minute at a time. make a committment not to text him without coming here first, and blogging and waiting for a response from one of the bloggers BEFORE you do it. We will be your “sponsors” in PA—you just stand up and say, “Hello, my name is sarasims and I am addicted to a psychopath” and we say “Hello, Sarasimms, welcome”
Every time you contact him or respond, he “wins” and demeans you.
Sara, it is only you that can take control of your life. When you are ready, you WILL. (((hugs)))) and God bless you Sara.
Dearest Oxy,
I have nothing left. I’ve written it for so long that I understand, that I know, that I get it. But now I FEEL it in my body and I have nothing left to fight the fight. I went to bed last night and wanted to just take a handful of pills and never wake up. But I’d never do that bc of my children. It’s just the feeling of being at the end of my rope. It hurts so very badly. Bc everytime he’s done this to me I want to get even to yell and scream at him but he disappears and doesn’t give me the chance. I write a HORRIBLE email to him and I did again yesterday but I don’t think he ever even reads them. I want to hurt him in some way but I know that none of that even bothers him. He just shuts it out and laughs like I am the crazy one. I know bc thats what he does to other people. There are no cards left to play, nothing left to do.
Sara,
It’s the betrayal bond.
You are still having a LOT of contact with him.
You think you can do it the way they do it, have contact and act like you don’t care.
My S/P came back long after his papers were served and I was a frequent-flyer here are LF. I knew every word out of his mouth was a lie. At this point he had played the game your’s is playing four times, and ended up sleeping with OW in my house as my son napped!!!!!
He even tried one more time after he was served, beggoing me. I didn’t let him in…I couldn’t LITERALLY. I lived with a friend. She would not let me do it.
As soon as I got my own place was when he started again.
I told everyone here. I was enjoying us being friends and seeing how my son lit-up in the presence of both of us at once for the first time in three months. I wanted it to last…the friendship.
That was not what the S/P wanted. He wanted to manipulate me to accepting lower Child support and better visitation and YES SEX.
I didn’t forgive myself for that for months!!!!
I knew he was a S/P, but I kept thinking like one of the article here tells you not to, “When Nature Becomes Nurture.”
I said to Oxy, “What is he’s not a S/P.”
It doesn’t matter!!!
HE IS A DISORDERED INDIVIDUAL WHO IS BAD FOR ANYONE TO COME IN CONTACT WITH.
HE HURTS EVERYONE!!!! YOURS IS HURTING 3 WOMAN. MAybe more. He doesn’t care.
YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE POINT.
The POINT is he is damaging you in many ways…look he’s taking away your joy of living!!!!
Break away!!! You can do it.
You will do it hopefully before your have no worth or value in your own eyes.