By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Dear Sara,
GOOD FOR YOU! Now don’t ever give him another opportunity to “get the last word.” when he calls, don’t answer, (or change yours or block his number, do NOT read any texts, delete without listening to voice mails. BLOCK HIM COMPLETELY and I guarentee that he will go bonkers, because YOU HAVE TAKEN BACK YOUR POWER, YOUR CONTROL. HE cannot control you if you will not listen and respond. He WANTS that last word, believe me he does. HE has set all the “conditions” fo ryour relationship with him.
The lasts ones are literally laughable. He wants SEX with you whenever he wants it, he doesn’t want to communicate with you unless HE wants to. He will “never committ” to you (he said adn I believe him) and basic bottom line is, YOU ARE ONLY IMPORTANT TO ME FOR ANIMAL SEX. Wow, doesn’t that make you feel VALUABLE and LOVED? NOT!!!!!
He wants the same kind of sex with you that he would have with a whore, only HE WANTS IT ON DEMAND AND FREE. At least a whore gets PAID and doesn’t expect more than the pay. At least the John realizes he has to give SOMETHING for teh sex, at least money! so a whore and a john are each getting a fair bargain. he gets what he wants and she gets money. Fair trade. Your X is wanting SOMETHING FOR NOTHING! SCREW THAT!!!!
I am proud of you Sara!!! YOU GO GF!!! TOWANDA!!!!
Amber – thanks for sharing!!! It’s so crazy….we don’t say those mean words to them bc we don’t want to burn the bridge. Everything we say is in an attempt to make things better – to do the right thing for them, for us. Don’t rock the boat. He’s told me more than once to leave him the f**k alone and don’t ever call or text him again. And when I do just that, 2 months later the crazy SOB is calling me again. It’s just insane! But those words are so liberating and today I knew was the time to do it!!! When he called I had my one chance that I may never get again. And IF he ever calls again, I will follow through on my promise. I will go to the police and file harassment charges!! By saying the things I said today, I made a choice to close that door forever. I will tell myself and follow that path. I will not ever again open that door and let him treat me like shit!
Hugs and love to all of you for your support. I know you very well KNOW how much it means!!!
Hey Amber – no from Texas. But they are all the same. Right?? He’s such a thug I swear. Honestly I can’t even believe I fell for him. I’m not trying to sound like a snob but our social classes are not the same. Guess I fell for the bad boy image but it was much worse than just an image! On top of that he was CRAZY!
Sara…good for you! You sound like you’re on the right path. I was in the same boat. Always wanted to smooth things over. Didn’t want to burn the bridge. But for what??? Why did I think I needed this man?? He’s the one that needed me in reality. He needed to use me to feel better about himself. And I’ll no longer allow him to have that power. So good for you for making a stand as I did. Close that door forever and never look back. And I know I feel hard for that bad boy image too…and when I got to see the softer side (or the act) I ate it up. Uggghhhh…well at least we know what to watch out for now. And we’re FREE of their insanity and delussional world. Yay for us!!
Oxy – Funny you should say that. Bc when I was telling him off – just for laughs I also told him…..”you say “the sex is great” F**K YOU! to me it’s not great at all!”
Now….it will be a good 2 months before he will even have the balls to call me again. That’s the pattern. He’s mean and hateful then when I leave him alone for about 2 months, he comes crawling back. Either way, I would love for my control to drive him bonkers!
But he may not come back this time. He may take serious my threat to go to the police and that’s the last thing he wants bc he’s had enuf run ins with them. But if he does…..I swear I will do it! He has taken advantage of women long enough and just let him try to do it to me again!!! Either way, my acceptance of the end is refreshing – today anyway. I don’t think I can ever look at him the same again.
OMG Amber…..yes, you are exactly right. They are all bad boy and then show you this really soft sensitive side that you fall for big time. They are kinda like the venus fly trap!
All an act of course….which they can never re-create. I realized over time that he was changing. In our year + relationship, only 4-6 months was actually fulfilling. Then the act slowly started to wear off and I was clinging to the hope of getting back what we had. When in reality he was already seeing the OW on the side. What a joke!! I see now that the part of him and “us” that I really want, was soooo short lived. It barely even existed but lived on in my mind. It was all an illusion that kept sucking me in over and over again!
Sara…LOL! I can’t believe how similar our situations are. Mine too, can only go about two months before he’s crawling back. But I hope that this time he won’t. I said things that he had never heard me say before, so I’m hoping I got the message across. And be glad yours was only a year plus. Mine was 4 years of the ups and downs. And same thing..I clinged to the few and far between good times, hoping that when he came back, it was for REAL each time. IT was weird. Every time he came back I thought…this is it!!! He’s changed and we’re gonna make it. Then WHAM! Something would set him off and I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks, months. And each time those times apart were worse and worse. After 4 years, the patters were so expected that I became numb. So I’m hoping that this time the pattern has been broken. I made it very clear that I was DONE this time. That was the biggest difference. Each time before, HE was the one to disappear, had the control. But I threw him out of my house last time and told him for the first time I WAS DONE. Looking back, the bad soooo outweighed the good. I was only holding on to those few “illusions” of him that I loved so dearly. But I’m out of the fog and the biggest difference now is knowing that I was in love with the “ILLUSION” not him.
Amber – yes! You are so right. Bc each time he came back, I could see a new side of him that I had never seen before. A new and evil side. He had forgotten the person that he pretended to be in the beginning and expected me to take any shit he dealt. He would give me little bonuses, like letting me listen to the vmail. Just to keep me hanging. And to him, it is very important that I believe he is no longer with this ow. Just to keep me hanging. He wants me….but wants me “his” way only. NO WAY! I’m no cheap whore…..and I will establish those boundaries time and time again.
When we first began, an old gf of his called me bc they shared a cell phone line. She saw my number and wanted to know who I was. Then she called me and ranted and raved about how she had been dealing with his shit for 7 YEARS!!! I never understood what she meant. But now I do. He comes and goes and does the same thing to ALL of us!
I still can’t believe this happened to me but you and Oxy and Banana and all the others are such great inspiration. And today felt so good. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I guess one day at a time….
Sara..that’s all you can do, is take it one day at a time. I promise some days are going to SUCK! I cried all day yesterday, playing conversations in my head, thinking about things that I miss. But those are just moments. I grieve and move on. Because I catch myself in those moments thinking, he’s not worth my tears anymore. He’s taken enough. Snap out of it, hold your head high and move on. Sometimes it literally takes me saying things like that out loud for me to feel better. And this place has brought me so much inspiration and empowerment too. So just think about how good today felt and keep replaying that in your head and I pormise it will give you the strength to move on. You can do it. If you were able to put up with him, you can do anything!! That’s how I see it. I survived. I get a second chance. That’s the difference between them and us. They’re stuck. Rotting, becoming more dellusional, in this viscous cycle. They don’t get a second chance. This is it for them…their enternity. So brush yourself off and rejoice that YOU CAN move on. You’re still human. They are not.