By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Good for you Sara. Write down what you said to him and reread it if you ever feel tempted to call him again. Remember your feelings. Stick to your guns. You deserve the best, not the worst! You know, these guys are all the same…they keep managing expectations down, down, down….until finally the truth comes out. They want sex, whenever they want it, and how they want it, and they want no other contact whatsoever, and they want it from someone who will adore them for that, and expect nothing in return.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its a particularly bad day today…crying constantly and replaying things over and over in my head. I’m really starting to think that I’m the S and not him. He’s doing NC with me. In his last text he told me I could have him in my life on his terms or nothing at all, and i was prepared to accept his terms but now he’s treating me like i dont even exist. Why cant I just snap out of this? When I look back over everything that he ever said to me, I can see that these things were not things that normal people say to other people. I can also see that my responses to him were not normal either (its hard to accept that those pathetic begging words actually came from me) The lines are really blurred for me at this point, and the fact that he continues to function seamlessly in his everyday life and I cannot do the same makes me think that I’m the S. I guess logically speaking I’m not because a real S would never even question something like this?
Dear Delluca,
They hook us in, bond us to them, it is a chemical brain process like an addiction. Just like an addict will “beg” for a fix, we are willing to beg them to love us.
You ARE RESPONDING NORMALLY to an abnormal situation. You wouldn’t be normal if you weren’t. You are NOT an S, you are just responding to being devalued and discarded like a used piece of Kleenex.
Take heart though, if he leaves you, at least you don’t have to worry about staying NC–I am going to bet though, about the time you get your feet under you, he will be back…they are like bad pennies they keep turning up again.
Stay here and read and read and learn—learn about them and about yourself. Knowledge is power, take back your power, and if and when he returns, you can look at him with disgust, and FEEL that disgust. You do not deserve to be treated with disrespect. (((hugs))) I’m glad you are at LF, it is a healing place. God bless.
Delluca,
I’m so sorry to hear that today is a bad day for you. I sometimes think that way, but in the end we know. P/s don’t think there is anything wrong with their ways.
The p I was with, when he first left, well actually he still thinks he is the reason for nc. He went right on with his life and me and my boys are still cleaning up the mess…he is going smoothly from one point to another and it does hurt but that’s because we are not p or s.
I can’t believe the pathetic begging words I said either, I think what hurts about it is that we did put ourselves out there for the sake of ‘love’ or whatever and they really didn’t care, it’s humiliating. With the right person though it won’t be humiliating, it will be a great attribute to be able to not value ourselves over the top and ruin other people. However after the p or s, we do have to start valuing ourselves a little more than we did with them or once they were done with us.
Oxy is right I believe, you are reacting normally to an abnormal situation. Hang in there, you can do this!
Delluca, I’m with Oxy. Willing to bet he’ll be back if he thinks you’ve wised up. Take this time to get as strong as you can.
Read, read, read. Talk it out, here. I don’t know how religious you are, but it doesn’t hurt to say your prayers. Ask for help and guidance.
Stop kicking yourself and turn that around. Try to understand and love you. Work on this, as if your life depended on it. If you do this, you have a far better chance of surviving his re-emergence in your life. Root word: emerge ie, emergency.
I believe the chances are very good that he will rear his ugly head……Be prepared.
MATT…still looking for MATT.
Amber and Sara,
I too see similarities between my S/P and yours’. But I live in NY and mine does not disappear. (I WISH)
Crazy how they act alike.
I too am well-educated with a masters degree and 8 years younger. He barely graduated from HS. He wasn’t a bad boy when I met him, but I fell into that ROMEO and JULIET romance.
I have never been materialistic, just wanted a simple life, and I have learned to work with a budget and live within my means.
Scary. I read that they size you up within hours of talking to you and begin to assimilate and become your “match”. We had NOTHING in common, but he displayed features of someone who meshed with my personality, goofy, spontaneous, active, adventurous.
Just like Juliet’s parents, mine were not fooled. They tried to stop me from marrying him.
Now he has assimilated himself with her, a 25 year old with her own house, two cars, four wheelers, tractors… who has bought him a Mercedes, and herself a 3 karat engagement ring (he can’t afford it). She and I have NOTHING in common.
Sara I too awoke from my FOG this last time he tried to get me back and slept with me, she he played a voicemail from her. He has been MIA for over 8 hours (at my apt), not answering her texts or calls. Sadly she is kissing his Arse. eg: “where are you babe, I hope everything is okay.”
Then I realized I was the OW. the next day I gave him MY two cents.
LOL
Delluca, read a few posts up and you will see that I am in your very same shoes. I have questioned my own sanity time and time again and thought I was the SP. But I’m not and you aren’t either. The SP did me just the same as yours is doing you. He would go NC with me, treating me as if I was some crazy insane person. Every time he would come back, he would start by telling my how HE LOVED ME. How he was SO SORRY! He had been so wrong. At first I would give him the cold shoulder and he would beg me not to do him that way. Then I would give in and he would set the terms as to how he wanted our relationship….basically sex with no obligations to me. He would call me when HE wanted to and I was expected to accept that. Each time I tried to make him understand how much I loved him and cared for him and how I would never judge him. How I would forgive him for everything and we could start clean. I thought my love would be enough to “win” his heart as it did in the beginning. But each time they come and go they are grooming us to expect less from them, as they take more from us.
I would come here and write and people here would say “don’t worry, he’ll be back” and I actually clung to those words in the hopes that he would be….just for one more chance to make things right. After this last time, finally, I am not beating myself up. I held him at bay long enough to get what I needed to understand exactly how he is. I did give in and had sex with him BUT I felt nothing. Bc I knew what he was doing. It wasn’t as in the beginning when I loved him so much. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, but I’m beginning to see what everyone here has been saying all along and this time I FINALLY had the nerve to say it in words to his face that I never want to hear from him again. I don’t know if he will be back again but if he does, I will make good on my promise to go to the police.
Hey Banana, OMG yes….that is a scary thought, but I believe they do that very thing by sizing us up. I too, am educated with a Bachelors degree, good job, good community reputation and he is (like I said) a thug loser. Barely a hs education and at the time, no job and doesn’t even care. He was whoring himself out to the ow who was giving him money. Every time he comes back I tell him, I don’t even know you anymore. Well, the truth of the matter is he was NEVER the other person and he can’t keep up that act. He can’t be someone he is not. Everytime he comes to me I am the same person, tell him the same things, bc that is me….a REAL person. And the person I see in him now, is the REAL him. And I have finally realized that person is mean, hateful and selfish and I would never have fallen for him if this is what he showed me in the beginning….the REAL him.
And you know what, other people knew it. But I didn’t. So just like your parents, other people around me saw the truth that I didn’t.
Hi all… I keep reading about this “fog” sometimes I feel like I space out because I just can not understand how I got here..is that what the “fog” is …how do we explain this to other people who do not get what we have been through?? is it like PTSD I just wish I had the receipt for my life so I could go in and get an exchange… maybe I do not need one ….I have had no contact for over a week..Its a struggle daily…I am the one that is stuck holding the bag… having to pack and move, that is good and stressful at the same time…
Dear Spirit,
Packing and moving out of there will GIVE YOU YOUR LIFE BACK—and NC is the way to go. Glad that you are working hard on maintaining NC and it will be a struggle for a while, it will be hour to hour sometimes, but YOU CAN DO IT! Going back or contact puts you back to SQUARE ONE on the pain scale, so whatever pain you are feeling maintaining NC realize it will be WORSE if you break NC.
NC puts YOU in the driver’s seat, puts you making decisions and controlling the situation. NC keeps them from being able to hurt you, give you new insults or tell you new lies.
Keep reading and blogging here, we are here for you, and we do GET IT…we understand the pain and the emotions that go along with it, but STAY ON THE ROAD TO HEALING! We are with you!!!!