By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Thanks Oxy! I appreciate all the support more than you know !!!! I am happy to be moving on ….thank you for letting me vent here all ! I am the only person now that is allowed to insult me is me… hmmm I actually have been telling myself I look better with my nice little short bob haircut !!!! for once its what I want to do! how I want to look …. I am going to write my term paper on sociopaths, its due in two weeks and I think it will be therapy for me….its a short paper 7 pages…its just hard with the move and all …but I am acutally not doing as bad as I thought… kicking myself for not even remember the passing of my mothers anniversary, (day after I kicked him out) with a little push they need attention he made a fool of himself in front of the officers… who actually lectured me wutever… any how driving back from my mums wake, he tried to run us off the road that night .. after all he dosent get drunk off 100 proof vodka… a 16 hour ride home I was bug eyed the whole way home…couldnt believe I needed support not this ???
Thanks again Oxy and everyone… hugs !
Dear Spirit, Keep on moving on, GF! You didn’t lose anything important! What a jerk! (((hugs)))) ps. tell us what grade you get on the paper!
Spirit, hey that’s so cool that you’re writing about S’s on your term paper. Can’t wait to hear about the teacher’s reaction and the grade.
thank you everyone for your wise words. My S and I see each other everyday because we work together. He sees my devastation everyday and I’m sure this feeds him even more. He has never really gone away for me so in a sense he is always present for me. NC consists in him not speaking to me, not emailing me or texting me even though we sit literally two metres apart for 10 hours a day. I feel like I’ve been silenced into non-existence. Even when he broke up with me, he never actually spoke to me…it was all done via text and email. It is truly a bizarre situation that I find myself in. I havent been able to access the power that some of you have claimed back by being able to verbalise your hurt and anger to your S. He has never allowed me to speak to him and even though I tried to express myself through the only avenues I had, text and email just dont convey the emotions that I’m feeling. I sometimes envy those of you who get to confront your S in person or over the phone if only because you get to use your most powerful tool…your voice. Thank you eveyone for letting me vent and hurt here. Everything about the way he ended us was so cold and clinical. Its like he has robbed me of my status of being a human being. I’m real and have feelings but to him I was just words on a screen.
Well I studied and got an 80% on the midterm, abnormal psych… I just think its so bizarre that all this happened as I am going through it… its a learning experience. Even with that analysis and other crappy grade on my dev. psych midterm I still should be in the same range…I am happy with a B, I know I can do better but I will let you all know about the paper I am sure it needs to be a literature review/analysis paper and not a story of my life so it should be interesting. I already told the professor what I am going through personally because I was so embarassed about my grade… he just winked at me the last class I guess I took that as he understood??? I hate assuming in general but.. either that or he thinks I am a wierdo LOL ….
delluca: I am sorry that you have to go through that, have you thought about writing a “dear john” letter and not giving it to him maybe you will feel better…changing jobs?
none of us need cold people in our lives… mine would always say their are no victims only volunteers I said well I aint Volunteering for this crap anymore…. he would always act like the victim.. Grown men acting like children, I beleive in his case its an emotional attachment issue and he was left unable to bond as an infant due to be put up for adoption..lack of touch etc…anyway that is my theory. Its actually sad…
Spirit
I’ve tried writing the dear john letter and it didnt help.
Part of me feels that by changing jobs I let him win. It feels so unfair that I have to be the one to go. I helped him to get this job in the first place. He was a temp in the office and then this job role opened up which I knew he wasnt qualified for and would never get. When he asked for my help with brushing up his application and interview skills I thought nothing of it because in the back of my mind I knew he didnt stand a chance. Well somehow he got the job, with a big fat salary to boot. During this process his interest in me skyrocketed and I felt uneasy about the attention he was paying me. So I started to pull away, answering his texts and phonecalls in a polite yet detached way. After he got the job, and after one week of NC on my part he sent me a text saying that it looks like he’s going to be in my life for longer than I expected and that we need to be cool with each other. At the time that text felt threatening to me but because I didnt really know him too well I let it go. I also felt bad for him, I figured the stress of this new position plus his grandmother was dying added to his craziness so I should just give him a break (by the way I now know that his grandmother was not dying, he took off his first week in the new full time job in order to do another temp job that paid more money. At the of the week he ended up “killing off” his grandmother and making everyone in the office including me feel sorry for him. She is actually alive and quite healthy! I think he forgot that he killed her off and the surprise on my face when I met her must have reminded him because that’s when he confessed his charade) His attention towards me just grew and grew. He bombarded me with incessant questions trying to find out everything about me, gave me little gifts that were cute (not valuable), wanted to join me as I did a little lunchtime shopping etc, basically he assimilated himself to me in every little way. I’ll admit I’m pretty naive and noone had ever shown an interest in me like this. People told me that he obviously was head over heels for me and that I should give him a chance. A bit of background about me…Id never been in a relationship before, he was my first EVERYTHING and in hindsight I’m sure that I projected that to him unconsciously just like a bull to a red cloth. Slowly I let him in, and began to develop feelings for him and eventually we were more than friends. However, during the time we were together, we never really did anything that people in normal relationships do. We went to dinner maybe a handful of times, most of which I paid for. Because we both had roomates, to have some privacy, we used to go to hotels but rarely had sex, again I always paid for half if not all the price of the room and he only wanted luxury rooms which I couldnt really afford. When we did have sex he would keep a tally of how many times he gave me pleasure versus how many times I satisfied him. Sorry if that’s too much information, it just always seemed wrong to me that he would keep track. I always viewed it as him drawing attention to how inexperienced I was in that department. Basically, we rarely saw each other outside of work hours. The whole courtship and relationship was predominately played out over text and email. His feelings for me changed when I began questioning why he didnt want to spend more time with me, why we didnt do the things that other couples do, why he showed little interest in sex. He said he didnt want to do these things because of me, because I didnt have the right clothes to go out to dinner, that I didnt know how to make him feel wanted, that I wasnt attractive therefore he had to really have an urge to want to have sex with me. (I’m not unattractive so this last point was really devastating). He told me to change my ways and see what happens, if I changed maybe he could fall in love with me again. When I questioned what he meant exactly by changing my ways, e.g. what specific quality i had to work on he would never answer me. So I persisted driving myself practically insane trying to identify what was wrong with me and trying to fix it all the while trying to seek his approval that i was on the right track to winning his love again. I finally got tired of this and two months ago I told him that either he loves me with all my faults or lets me go because I am emotionally exhausted. He tells me that I am pathetic, that I he gave me everything and by not winning him back I’ve thrown that all away. When i tried to reason with him that real love doesnt work that way, he cuts me off completely. I’ve since found out that during that whole time he is telling me to change my ways and win him back, he is emailing another woman we work with (I’m pretty sure she never engaged beyond the superfical friendly level with him). I never even stood a chance of winning him back and when I tried to confront him with his craziness he tells me that I’m dwelling in the past, that he is concerned I will never get over him and he is worried I will do something stupid to myself. I have never been suicidal and his arrogance about that just floors me! Now I’m in the situation where he acts as if I dont exist and I’m just devastated. Wow, it all seems even crazier when it’s written down. I cant believe I put up with it…
I am sorry, from some unknown reason i cant post this as a comment at the place Oxy was talking about STD’s not safe with condoms use. I am sorry. So i will post it here and ask Donna to remove it at its place.
Many of u are not aware…it is usefull to read
http://www.avert.org/chlamydia.htm
Delluca,
On Sept. 3, 2009, article, Justabouthealed told a girl called Mandy that it was actually her that dumped him, because she refused to demean herself basically. What I’m saying is that justabouthealed made a really good point, a truthful point to this girl. You actually dumped him, you would not accept being treated so poorly and once he seen for sure that you would not be changing your mind about that, he knew it was time to get. He knew his time was up by what you were saying to him, he jumped and made the first move or what seems to be so important to them is, he had the last word.
It’s harder to get rid of them and stay safe if you have to leave them. It hurts, I know, but it was a blessing that he is doing it this way. He may even try to check back in to see if you are ready to bend to his mistreatment. Don’t, you deserve better treatment, It’s not you, that is how they are and they are not ever going to change.
You’d be surprised how much your post could have been mine. I could copy your post and, with a few minor adjustments, make it my post. It was shocking for me to read. The p I was with, his grandma did actually die, his care for that was fake,,,I don’t have to look at him at work each day, but I am the reason he has such a good job with good pay and I do have a child with him which I’m thinking you don’t. Anyway, just a few minor adjustments and your post speaks for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still struggling with the pain, fear, guilt, obligation, and I’d like to slap him with his last word crap, but we can do this. I read somewhere here on LF and I’m sure you’ve heard this before but, “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!”
Lift your head up, dress like you mean it, put your face on, (don’t over do it) and walk into that job like a woman that knows what she wants and deserves it, and don’t look back, he is not worth it. He is not better than you, no way. He clearly had someone willing to stick by him and ‘give him everything’ and he lost it. Just imagine if that was what you saw him do only to another woman…you’d know he wasn’t better than you and you’d not have any respect for him and it wouldn’t cause you self doubt, now would it? He doesn’t know the you that doesn’t have to deal with his sociopathic self. It’s his loss and all you lost was the craziness that he has to live with daily.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
You may find though that you are better off looking boring or “pathetic” to get rid of him. They are extremely toxic and you don’t want one in your life. Of course, you already know that and don’t need me to tell you.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed or anything like that, I just want you to pick your self esteem back up. I know how hard that can be.
Lots of (((((hugs))))) for you, have a wonderful day!!
PS. I felt the same as you about not getting to say what I felt I needed to say to move on…It was really hard for me so I understand you, but there is light at the end of the tunnel,,,It does get better with time, Hang in there.
Erinbrock and some others told me to take it one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time but you will get there. Good advice and it was actually comforting to me somehow so I hope it helps you,,,it’s ok to take the time you need, you don’t have to heal yourself in a day.
Dear Delluca,
The “blaming you” for not being XYZ is just the way they project their own blame on to you. It is YOUR fault, not theirs, and you are th eproblem, never them.
He was using you, and that is what they do. You could have been th emost beautiful woman in the world, and it would not have made any difference. It is not your looks or your clothes that is the problem, it is HIM. He is unable to love, only pretend to.
Just like Heavenbound said, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. HE IS THE ONE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!! He is a LIAR. Is a liar good enough fo ryou? NO!!!! He is a FAKE! Is a fake good enough for you? NO! YOU DESERVE MORE, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM!!!
Pick your chin up out of the dust, now that you have discovered what a fake and a liar he is—hold your head up and look at the real piece of crap he is! See what is behind his MASK! NOTHING!!! ((((hugs))))
Dulluca,
I wrote last Friday that I FINALLY DID IT – after struggling with his on and off crap….I FINALLY GOT THE LAST WORD. And boy did I get it good. I keep reliving the words in my head for my own pleasure. But you know what, it was only to appease me. To him, those words meant nothing. I’ve gotten upset before and he’s always come back to say he’s sorry. That I said some really mean things but he’s had time to think and I was right…..SURE WHATEVER!!! He ONLY came back after 2 months at a time to be assured that he still had me in his back pocket. To have sex with me and then be gone again. He “thinks” he can come back anytime and I will still love and accept him. BC every time that’s what I’ve done. But when I give up and stay away, he eventually comes back. The last time he said “I want to repair my failed marriage and be good to my wife” and two texts later asked “do you want to f**k me??” Seriously….what a CREEP! He said “there can be no strings attached” but in the beginning he’s the one that coaxed me into the relationship! No all of the sudden no strings! He even told me he couldn’t see me UNLESS he knew he was going to get to F**K me bc he couldn’t control himself. Well, guess what, I saw him and it happened just like he wanted. The next day when I texted him, he ignored me….although up until that point he wasn’t ignoring me at all. He got what he wanted and then I was history. When I FINALLY got him to respond he said that the sex was great but I wasn’t worth the craziness that came along with it. Imagine that, you want to be intimate with me but I can’t call or text you. He said it was like rape….when a woman says no and a man forces himself it is rape. And that’s what I’m doing by texting and calling him. YES….I must be the SP…..it truly makes one wonder doesn’t it?
We are here bc we all want to be strong enough to say NO to their demands and demeaning behavior and mean it!!! I’m starting over – NC for 3 days! No matter if we tell them off or simply go NC quietly, I must believe that we are truly winning. We have set our boundaries and will no longer accept their crazy and tortuous ways. I do feel for you having to see his face every day. But I have faith in you.
Hugs to you and know that I will be praying for you!