By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
Are we winning because they don’t care one way or the other they still playing love games that hurts down to the core of your soul so are we winning? Me not calling him don’t phase him one bit he still claim he loves me but reality is no actions to match the love. I feeling like he think im the stupidess girl in town.
Hi Luv – I’ve thought of you often!!! I really hoped you weren’t being sucked in by your SP again!!!
I “think” – but of course don’t know for sure – that by not “letting” them have their way with us, we are winning. Even though they could care less about us….what they do care about is being in control and having power over us. That’s why when I don’t bother to contact the SP for about 2 months, he comes back around, just to make sure he can still push my buttons. Just to make sure he has control. All he wanted me to say is that I still loved him. He kept asking me over and over again. And then when I FINALLY did, the next day his story had changed. He couldn’t talk to me bc he had other priorities.
Think about it Luv…..if you REALLY love someone, you would move the sun, earth and stars to be with them. I make it so easy for him by giving in every time….so then he’s off to do his thing again. But THIS time, I yelled and screamed and was so mean and hateful to him! I told him that I would go to the police if he EVER contacted me again. I ACTUALLY TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS A SOCIOPATH!!! And then I hung up on him!
Will he ever contact me again….probably so bc he’s just that stupid! But next time, I won’t give in. I won’t even give him the chance to talk to me….and THEN, I’ve won completely.
Sarasims….GOD! The P you were involved with is CLASSIC!!! OMG! We should start a book called Jaw Droppers, of quotes from these guys….like the text he sent about his marriage and then 2 texts later! And just UNBELIEVABLE that he would compare you texting and emailing him as rape!!! That is ASTOUNDING, just fricking ASTOUNDING.
These guys are all the same. Unbelievable!
Luv716:
You asked, “Are we winning because…”
For me, the longer I held on to him, the more miserable I became.
And, I hung on way too long.
I failed at the No Contact rule many times before I finally got it right.
In the end, it became less about winning, and more about just cutting my losses and getting the heck away from this toxic person, so that I could get on with my life in a safe & healthy manner.
You see, there was nothing left to “win”.
Thinking in terms of “winning and losing” is the sociopath’s mentality, as far as I am concerned.
Don’t fall into that trap.
You will never beat the sociopath at his own game, because they are always manipulating the rules.
It’s a complete waste of time.
My advice is to cut your losses and get on with your life.
Your man is probably with another woman right now. That’s why you are not seeing him. But, he still continues to call because he wants to keep you “on the string” in case he needs to use you again in the future. Think about that the next time he calls you and says, “I love you.”
You could be getting these “I love you” calls for years to come, unless you put a stop to it now.
You are the one who is going to have to put an end to HIS madness, because he never will.
Complete No Contact is the answer.
~I know this advice is easier said than done, Luv.
We are all here to support you through it.
justabouthealed – YES….can you believe it!??! And I swear to you, in the beginning this guy was completely different. He mad out to be this charming, handsome, together kind of guy that was the man of every woman’s dream. Athletic, cool, collected, bad boy in a past life but all together now, good job, responsible. And he answered to my every whim before I could even think of it. Mad me laugh, dried my tears when I cried, told me that he was all about walks and picnics in the park…making love under the stars. And it’s come to this. Someone I was so in love with, someone that told me it’s about all the little things you do for the one you love, someone that told me he would rather have me some of the time than none of the time.
It all came to “f**k me when I want, and I’ll talk to you when I have time”….”don’t call me, I’ll call you”. Can you believe it? And the reason it’s so hard is bc when he comes back, he tells me all the LOVING things to get me hooked again – then a day or two later is contradicting what he told me. Acting completely different, like I must have made it up in my mind. Now that I look at it from the outside and read my words – it sounds TOTALLY INSANE…..like “HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID??”
Sorry “made out to be….” and “made me laugh…”
I must be angry…lol….
You were NOT stupid. Until it has happened to you (and sometimes with more than one person), many of us…especially highly loving, caring people….can’t phantom that someone could have emotions that are that shallow; that someone could have a hidden agenda; that someone could be a different person at the drop of a hat; that someone could say words of love and not mean them; that someone could feel that f**king entitled to use people and be that arrogant and self-assured about it; that someone could be that flagrant about their emotional abuse; that someone could project all their faults on to us; that someone could be comfortable with hurting us on purpose and not acknowledge that….and on and on. You weren’t stupid, you expected him to be a normal human being! Normal human beings can grow apart, mistake their emotions, etc…..which bears NO RESEMBLANCE to what these guys do!!!
LUV– If you haven’t read the postings at Baggage Reclaim, about the fall back girl, do!
Here’s her latest entry.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-fallback-girl-the-girl-who-cried-wolf/
justabouthealed – sounds like you have some experience in this area! Unfortunately – right??!!! I hate it for both of us – but glad we are here sharing. I especially like your “f**king entitled” part bc that is EXACTLY what he thinks he is….entitled to me or anyone else he pleases! I guess that applies to all of them!!! Isn’t there something horrible we can do to them to make them feel our pain? LOL!
Rosa, I know that he is wit someone else, Im for sure thats why he’s not coming around believe me I wanna move on more than anything when I take two steps forward, it seems like he senses that I may be doing ok without him then he play the love game. I know that if he ever came back it wouldnt be right too much has been done I look at this man now with so disgust because I know I didn’t deserve what he done too me I woulda respect him more if he would just left in the beginning, but he stayed around an use me tell it was nothing left. Im hurting!!!!!!