By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
hens
Luv716 – You could not say it any better or clearer. All we can do is move on and we will. Time is on our side – as time goes by we hurt less because of what they did. And become stronger and happier with ourselve’s. I am 55 – doubt I will ever find my prince on a white horse..and if I do he better be able to afford to feed his own horse. LIFE IS MUCH BIGGER AND BETTER THAN HAVING ONE SOMEONE TOO COMPLETE US.
persephone7
pollyann…You are so young! Don’t buy into what society says, the world
is still your oyster ….but I remember those days when I still lived in L.A.
and already felt ‘old’ and passed by at 24, my third year in college, good
grief… I know that feeling of ‘soldiering on’ too, have been doing it for some time now, trying to fit in some FUN here and there but sometimes you
just get so weary. Do what you can to take good care of yourself, try to
relax at night, eat good meals and find a way to get more sleep – that can
depress you and be a downward spiral for anyone if you’re sleep deprived.
Focus on beauty, buy yourself a pretty bouquet of flowers and put it where
it can give you pleasure. Take a walk, get that fresh air and it will help clear
your mind (maybe not completely) to let in new thoughts of a better future.
The ‘what if’s’ is a fruitless path, but you have so much life left to live, take
it from a new grandma in her 50’s – and I didn’t even have my kids until
I was thirty and over!
Good call, tough day and my heart goes out to you.
Ox Drover
Dear Bethv,
Thank you, I’m moving on as fast as I can suffle along!
Henry, dear, How about an old woman with TWO, count them, two, big long earred asses! That ought to beat a prince on a white horse any day! And I’ve got me own skillet! LOL ROTFLMAO
pollyannanomore
thanks Persephone 🙂 You are so right. I just need to fuel up here a bit then go do some stuff. I am taking my life back one tentative step at a time but yes it is exhausting. I am left with fibro from the stress so that causes dreadful pain and tiredness – am working hard to find the cause and treat it but of course that takes money and to get money you have to work!
So it’s really hard at the moment. I just see Facebook friends posting pics of their perfect little families – nice husbands who didn’t lie to them, who didn’t emotionally abuse them. I can’t help but feel cheated by it all.
No matter what kind of positive spin I put on it – I had already had enough trauma before this – the abandoning father, the step father who tried to make a pass at me, the distorted relationship with my stressed out mother, rape, abortion and now a ten year train wreck that has by far been the worst. No offence but I think trauma should be dealt out more fairly than that – one person can only take so much! I would have liked the option to ‘donate’ one or two of my life disasters to someone who had none. I seemed to be a magnet for them. It seems so unfair.
Thanks for sending your heart out to me – gives me a bit of strength 🙂 And it is more appreciated than you can know .
LMAO @ “He better be able to pay for the feed for his own horse” I think I have definitely removed my romantic notions about men – a man is not a financial plan 🙂
Hugs to everyone out there in the ether struggling after dancing with the devil. It leaves an imperceptible scent that forever changes us.
hens
🙂
geminigirl
Luv 716, I met my darling second husband when I was 44, and we have just recently celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary! You are in your prime!There are still nice men out there, thay are not all frogs, now and again you get to kiss a prince!! TOWANDAA!!! Rock on! Love, Gem.XX
akitameg
I miss you all.
Half of you do not even know me. I used to write all the time.
I was akitameg– I guess I still am- but my dear Akita, CJ, passed two weeks ago. He was only 8 and all I had after my s.
Oxy– I miss you.
I work full time– have no depresssion– and want to let the newcomers know that you can get past this….
I do have one concern for the “old comers” however.
I am now– finding myself doing things– unhealthy things– that I would not have done b4 my Spath.
I am dating two people.!!! Yes– they know of each other–completely. I am being honest with them on that.
but I cannot make up my mind (prayer, prayer, prayer)— and I start thinking that I AM NOw ACTING LIKE AN S!!!
I do not want to hurt anyone– but it is apparent that I am going to b/c they both literally love me.
Then again– would an Spath care or feel this guilt and fear?
But how can a woman date her exhusband who she loves (but does not want sx with…) and date a sweet, genuine (Have checked him out– and he used to be in NFL– my dad even knows him as does Mike Ditka who worked with me dad and he can’t say enough about this man’s integrity.), nurturing, God loving, also Catholic man?
Have I lost some of my conscience b/c of the pain/betrayal of an S?
Why can’t I make up my mind?
Is my exhus security? He was with me before damned S.
Please say a prayer for akitameg.
akitameg
Your articles are wonderful.
skylar
akitameg,
my condolences on the loss of you sweet puppy.
When you say date do you mean going out but no sex with your ex? It sounds like you are just friends and there is nothing wrong with that. You can love more than one person, you just cant make a committment of monogomy w/more than one.
banana
Oxy,
Somebody read my mind.
Last night I cried for hours. The life I once knew, although I had recently left an abusive relationship was one of less stress.
I never asked God for a perfect life with everything I could dream of, a perfect career, nice car, perfect husband, a perfectly healthy family…never.
But my life before the Sociopath was easier.
Now almost everyday I face accusations, my daycare provider is facing false accusations because my S wants a place where he can see and pick up his son even if it’s not his visitation (this won’t happen at any daycare).
Cuts my son’s hair without my consent, tries to pick him up without my consent. Accuses daycare of neglect because of a diaper rash (which went away when I stopped giving my son apple juice), and bruises he got when he fell in MY house.
Friday I had the opportunity to get both flu shots for my son back home. I asked my S and he said NO. So, my son did not get either vaccine. Now, this am I get a text from my S saying my son has a fever and can not sleep.
My son does not deserve this…I know we all have our stance on flu shots, but I have always gotten one and my son got the vaccine last year.
Just how and when do I stop letting his mud-slinging, framing, fabrications and insults hurt me?
I have come to the realization that I am paying my attorney TOO much because I forward every harassing text, and lie of an e-mail to my attorney.
There is nothing she can do. He fills me with fear, even when I know I did nothing wrong.
How do I wean myslef of my attorney when I am stricken with fear and anxiety?
And just what will I do when the papers and filed and signed?