By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
My son does not deserve this”I know we all have our stance on flu shots, but I have always gotten one and my son got the vaccine last year.
Just how and when do I stop letting his mud-slinging, framing, fabrications and insults hurt me?
I have come to the realization that I am paying my attorney TOO much because I forward every harassing text, and lie of an e-mail to my attorney.
Dear Banana,
I hear your pain, sweetie. This is just what your X WANTS, YOUR PAIN.
QUOTE:
“Just how and when do I stop letting his mud-slinging, framing, fabrications and insults hurt me?”
The answer to the “when?” is NOW, and the answer to the “how?” is a little more complex…but YOU CAN DO IT.
You are not alone. You are not even the first young mother to come here with stories of ENDLESS nasty things done to their child, you are not the last one who will come here either. This, unfortunately, doesn’t decrease YOUR pain, but recognizing that this is a COMMON TRICK of the psychopaths to attack you through your child and to keep you OFF BALANCE.
In order to get your balance, you must, and I say MUST start looking at the BIG picture.
1) YOU are filled with anxiety over “small things” that in the BIG picture don’t matter a hill of beans—okay, your kid’s hair got cut, it is NOT a TATTOO of Satan on his forehead. GET OVER IT! (I mean that in the nicest kindest way, that is not a slam)
2) His “insults” only hurt you because YOU ALLOW THEM TO. What the hell difference what he says about whether or not you love your son? (referring to last week’s post) Does it make a difference what the hell he thinks? Get over caring what the hell the piece of dog doo thinks. He is a freaking psychopath for goodness sakes!
You CAN get over this, you are suffering the anxiety etc that is associated with CONTINUAL STRESS and FEAR—he is WINNING as long as you do this.
OK—now after the arse kicking, here are some good points.
1) YOU have RECOGNIZED what he is doing!
2) YOU WANT to stop it,
3) YOU KNOW you MUST STOP IT.
4) You have a whole ARMY of wonderful people, + one cranky old lady on YOUR SIDE! (and the old lady has a skillet!)
5) YOU ARE STRONGER than you KNOW–but you are going to start PRACTICING THAT STRENGTH.
6) Next time you feel stressed out, you will a) take a deep breath b) tell yourself “this will pass” c) start taking better care of yourself and LET THE SMALL THINGS SLIDE—chant “he is just trying to piss me off, this is NO BIG deal”
7) You are going to focus on the BIG things and you are going to quit listening to this sopathole!@.......
(((((hugs)))) and my prayers, Banana! Love Oxy xoxoxox
banana,
Basically you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.
And of course that is easier said than done. But when you REALLY get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will be ready.
Sending your attorney every harassing text or email or phone call from a S/P/N will cost you a fortune in the end and she will be able to retire early!
Start LOOKING at it that way. Your goal is not to make your attorney rich.
Write that as the heading on a piece of paper .
Then on the piece of paper list 3 or 4 of your REAL goals.
don’t list a bunch just a few of the major goals and put this somewhere on your fridge or by your computer and try and LIVE by it for a few days.
Don’t pay for your attorney to document all this texting and harassment. You may keep the dates and times in your files but, later when your court date comes up you can pick and choose what is really IMPORTANT and forget about the rest.
As skylar says…Be the grey rock. Your still letting him get to your emotions. And he is using that supply.
If his lips are moving he is lying. You are like his drug, if you keep the supply available, he will come back for more.
Dear Meg,
First off I am so sorry your sweet doggie passed. ((((hug))))
As far as you dating two guys and “can’t make up your mind” To me sweetie, that means you don’t really want EITHER. OK? WHY do you have to ahve a relationship beyond “friendship” with either one? It is obvious to me that you are not “really in love” with EITHER of them. Just cause a guy is “wonderful” and so on doesn’t mean we have to be seriously in LOVE with them. “In-LIKE” is okay too. FRIENDS is okay too. Some people won’t “settle for that” but you know, this is NOT the last trolly in San Francisco…..LOL
I think that “choosing” between two guys because you feel pressured because they both love YOU doesn’t mean either one is RIGHT FOR YOU. It is OK for you to just be “friends” with them both, and explain to them that RIGHT NOW you are not ready for a SERIOUS relationship and that you care for them, but right now you are working on YOURSELF.
I miss you too, Meg, and I wondered how you were doing. I am so glad you are working again. Don’t be gone so long! There’s still wonderful, healing things here on LF and some new and wonderful people as well. (((hugs))) and my prayers!
Akitameg,
I am so sorry about your sweet dog….
It is good to know that you are not feeling depressed anymore.
I know that you were battling with that awile back. I’m glad you came back to tell us that you are felling better.
As for the two guys….Maybe just enjoy it for what it is worth and don’t pressure yourself because they are “in love with you”.
Give yourself time to figure out how you really feel about them.
No man completes a womans life. A woman needs to complete herself .
Once you can feel complete on your own, it is only then that a relationship won’t deplete you if something does go wrong. You would be able to move away from it and still feel a complete and whole person.
Thank you SOOOO much. I know it’s all in my head, and I always feel better when I get some distance, and get some perspective from you guys.
I forgot to ask you though; how do I respond if I HAVE to. and WHen is it okay to NOt respond?
My attorney TOLD me to ask him about the flu shot…this just openned up a landslide of insults.
then MY attorney asked me On friday, to send him an e-mail explaining how he aquired the bruises wed. night. I did not get my attorney’s email till Monday, so now he’s saying I conjured it all up over the weekend.
I Do Not usually respond unless it’s urgent, but If he successfully makes feel as though my son’s health depends on the answer, OR that he’ll somehow be able to construe my unresponsiveness as not being concerned for my son, then I will respond.
Dear Banana
QUOTE: he successfully makes feel as
He does NOT “make you feel”——that is giving him power over your emotions. YOU FEEL in response to his words/actions, but you do NOT have to ALLOW him to influence how YOU choose to FEEL.
You have got to get that concept in your head/thoughts/mind–he does NOT have power over your feelings unless YOU ALLOW IT.
You allowing him to “twist:” and “control” your feelings is YOUR problem and only YOU can fix it.
As far as the flu shot, I would NOT have asked him, I would just ahve DONE it. Do you ASK him if you should feed or bathe your child? keep in mind, once something is done it can’t be undone. Did he ASK you before he cut the kid’s hair?
Of course not, so why are YOU trying to be “nice” to him?
If you had NOT wanted the flu shot for your kid, he would have wanted it. He is 180 degrees off from whatever you want, and since the CDC is recommending the flu shot, NO judge would have been against you for doing what is best for your kid.
I suggest you take your kid for flu shots and keep your mouth shut! So how is he going to know you did it? If necessary go to a public clinic or a doctor who doesn’t know you are divorcing, they will just think dad is at work.
Quit telling your attorney every time your x passes gas—through his mouth or any other way….as far as him trying to pin abuse on the day care, just talk to the DAY care about it. If it comes to an investigation you can tell the INVESTIGATOR.
Do NOT jump every time your X yells FROG! That is a reward for him every time you do. IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.
Oxy — Thanks for an article that helped me continue to reflect on the multi-layered aspects of healing.
henry: I too feel that it took my exes/family/friends who are takers/users to help me wake up, to make me respect myself, to see my own flaws, and untangle the mess — as you discovered.
Persephone, I relate to your comments on the loss of innocence…being forced to take a look at the unconscious motives of people, subtexts and hidden agendas, is in our best interests.
keensight and Skylar – Yes indeed”we’ve paid dearly for the knowledge we’ve gained! A lesson is reinforced about the need to self-protect by establishing clear boundaries in order not to absorb crazy-making behaviors that were viewed as normal.
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR INSIGHTS.
Gaining wisdom through pain humbles us, but also can set us free!
Morning everybody. Oxy, I really like your advise to Banana.
Years ago, when I was still married to my 2nd XN, and was continuing to try to “work on it”, I went into therapy and learned how he manipulated me with the whole FOG stuff. My therapist taught me to say a few key phrases, and to do it with all the finess of Skylar’s gray rock. I would say, “Well, do what ya gotta do”, or “what ever you choose”, or “sorry, that’s not MY problem”, then I’d just go about doing whatever it was I was doing, and ignore him.
It was amazing how empowering that was. I had been taking responsibility for everything. His feelings, his decisions, his reactions, and he was manipulating ME with that sence of responsibility. I, was oneof those people who hungered for connection, and being honest about who I was, and what I felt, and believing I could communicate these things: that I could solve problems, I wore my heart on my sleeve. All my emotions were right there out front, right on time………..But when I realized that there was no reason to expend that emotional energy,(because I couldn’t fix IT) I no longer did. Wow. I felt a charge of power go through me every time I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “well, do what ya gotta do.”
And oh boy, did it ever through him for a loop. It made HIM responsible for the choices HE made. Great stuff. Just try it.
Dear Recovering and Kim,
Glad the article resonated with you both. I write about the problems I have had in the past and how I found solutions, or got beyond it, and I think we all have a similar set of problems, just as THEY are so much alike, so are WE in our healing. It is all multi-layered and isn’t just “over” or “there” but we have to keep on trucking, peeling back another layer.
As we get closer and closer to the center, things get easier as teh RAW emotions are calmed by the peace we start to feel and by the decrease in the STRESS we feel. I dfon'[t think we ever learn how to deal with THEM except by NC both physical (where possible) and EMOTIONAL NC by NOT letting their problems and behaviors and thoughts become ours.
Realizing that we are NOT responsible for anyone except ourselves is an eye opening experience, and we NO LONGER have to feel regrets that we didn’t fix the world, or even fix ourselves prior to when we got on the healing road to STAY there. I learn more every day, and that is what keeps me working, staying on that road. It is exciting and empowering to learn more and to feel more in control of ME—rather than letting external events dictate my moods.
Kim,
Thank you.
I too, “was one of those people who hungered for connection, and being honest about who I was, and what I felt, and believing I could communicate these things: that I could solve problems, I wore my heart on my sleeve.”
I just cant wait for the D to be done.
Until then I AM trying to do all the right things.
YES. even my pastor said, “Go get the flu shot. He doesn’t ask you before he does things.”
however, until the D is final, making “unilateral” decisions is not looked upon well by the court.
I don’t believe being smug would either. For now I will try my darndest not to say a word except to communicate the FACTS.
PS: In S’s last e-mail he told me that I “Do what you want, when you want, without my consent.”
The only thing I have done without his consent was take the Christ Life Solution class which is 3 hours away in my hometown. This has caused me to have to drive my son home at bed time and transfer to bed upon arrival every sunday for 13 weeks (4 of which I actually don’t have my son, but this, then caused my S to have to keep him his whole visitation time, which he didn’t like). Though now he seems to want him all the time.
I am sure many people do similar things with their children due to their schedules. I don’t believe this was a completely selfish act either. It is my son’s best interest that I become a healthy, single, unique, and whole mommy : )