By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is the one characteristic that we must have, and must demand in those with whom we are associated? My thought is that it is reliability.
Most virtues exist on a “sliding scale.” These vary from “all the way” excellence to total ineptitude. Most folks are some where in the middle and that is pretty acceptable. The one virtue, however, that is all or nothing is reliability. You are either reliable or you are not. It is sort of like dead or pregnant either you is or you ain’t. There is no middle ground.
If I employed someone, I would be willing to put up with just about any deficiencies, but not with unreliability. The unreliable person is bound to fail you at precisely the worst possible time. There is an old saying about a Viennese man who, when asked if he had been faithful to his wife, answered, “frequently.” Of course the man who has “frequently” been faithful, has not been faithful at all. By the way, statistics from the Hite Report show that 66% of all married men have been unfaithful at least once. Yet 67% of all married men say that adultery is always wrong.
It is almost impossible to “screen” for reliability except by being around someone for a while and observing them. I heard it said that some people are like “rocks” and others are more like papier-mache painted to look like rocks, but crumble when any pressure is applied.
If you have a relationship with someone who is not reliable, it really doesn’t matter what other admirable characteristics they have if they lack that one, because you never know when they will let you down. We tend, though, many times, to overlook “one” episode of irresponsibility or unreliability and give the person “another chance.” But how many “second chances” are required to realize that someone is UN-reliable? Where do we draw the line?
We must expect consistency from those we deal with on a day-to-day basis. It doesn’t matter much if it is a friendship, a love relationship, or an acquaintance relationship, reliability is a necessity for a successful relationship.
The virtue of reliability is more than just important if we are to avoid the trauma from dealing with psychopaths, it is imperative. If we continue to deal with people who are unreliable, we will continue to experience trauma from those unreliable relationships.
By refusing to tolerate unreliability in those close to us, we make ourselves more immune to psychopathy. By tolerating unreliability in people close to us, we invite pain and emotional trauma. When we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who is unreliable, we must extricate ourselves from the relationship as quickly as possible.
Joyce, this is a terrific article and it talks about a MAJOR “Red Flag” for me. There is something that really makes me crazy about unreliability – it’s simply a metphorical snapping of fingers in someone’s face to be consistently unreliable.
Nearly every spath that I’ve encountered were always late for appointments (or, were no-call-no-show), always late for work, always making broad and sweeping assurances that they would do what they said they would, and never did….grrrrrr.
A person’s word is their bond, and it is this belief that was thoroughly exploited by past spaths. Because I had such a strong sense of accountability, I would go through flaming hoops to make sure that I did whatever I had said that I would do, to my own detriment.
Today, I don’t make promises, but I won’t be late, either! 😀
GREAT article, Joyce!
Brightest blessings
Joyce,
I have to agree on this 100%!Lack of reliability was why I felt so insecure with my spath!He was always making promises…..but never keeping them.He might keep the facade up for awhile;just until I began to relax and let my guard down!He was always begging for “ONE MORE CHANCE”! Until the day I finally left,I would always weakly back down and give in.He knew I would….He banked on it!
The day I did leave….the day that I just kept walking,was no different.He did the same thing.Calling out how sorry he was,he’d never do it again,dada…..I just let it fall on deaf ears!
Blossom4th, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Blossom, we must reach the point of NO MORE with the jerks. I can’t tell you how many (hundreds?) of “second chances” I gave to people who were unreliable but no more. Put up or shut up. Do or go.
Reliable means more than just doing what you say you will, it also means being RESPONSIBLE for the things you are responsible for. Behaving in an “adult” manner, not like too many teenagers do.
Interesting point Oxy, and certainly a major red-flag. I would venture however, that projecting the appearance of reliability does not exclude the possibility the person is still a P.
Mine was a model of consistence and reliability in the day to day stuff, coming home on time, calling when he said, being hours early for work, chauffeuring the kids, or my parents, or me. He was reliably “cheerful, upbeat”. Zero signs of infidelity. A model husband. This was the day to day micro level. How could I leave someone who everyone I know views as “perfect” mate?
On a macro level he was creating crisis and chaos in our lives, and with the benefit of hindsight, engaging in mind crippling gaslighting, actively and deliberately trying to destroy me.
Right up till the end he was ably to portray the well intentioned, dedicated “family man” who was a victim of other influences, business partners, the markets, jealous colleagues, you name it.
Obviously he was very good at it, and I was in deep denial, explaining away the inexplicable as “he is depressed” because he lost his career (he destroyed it) , he is doing his best, (recklessly driving us into one virtual ditch after another) he deserves to be “in charge” as he was so successful in business, ( while he was controlling and manipulating every thing about our lives to our detriment and his sense of power)
So while NOT being reliable is a deal breaker, and a good boundary to establish, the APPEARANCE of reliability can be a very effective smokescreen for the “charming” “succesful” P.
anitasee:
I agree 100%. The one I knew was like that. He told me himself he was “unreliable” yet he has a six figure income, holds down a big job, has been at the same company for over 20 years, huge house, expensive cars, etc. Usually, someone who is that “unreliable” is not going to have all of these things in his life. But he has pulled it off and has done it very well. I can’t help but think the credit must all go to his wife. She has been the one taking care of everything while he has cheated the whole time. He probably wouldn’t have half of what he has if it wasn’t for her.
You’re right of course, Anitasee, they can APPEAR RELIABLE as part of their mask…just as they can appear “loving” and “truthful” while not being any of those things.
Reliability is more than just being on time, it is being responsible, and doing what you are supposed to do without having to be overseen like a petulant teenager who doesn’t want to clean their room.
But they sure can fake things.
anitasee, Louise
My spath was like that too. He gave the appearance of being an industrious, hard working, god fearing man. He went to the opera. He was on time for work. He attended religious services.
Always, he was dressed to the “9’s” in super expensive clothing, no wrinkles in anything, best of cut, fabrics and style, in a a way that screamed “obedience to the system”. Had an earnest, scrubbed look about him. Perfect grooming.
It sort of didn’t fit when you saw his car (20 years old and rickety) and a house that was small and looked neglected, with weeds and peeling paint. That was the first sign that something wasn’t right.
Then, of course, I discovered the lies. Crazy lies. Ones where he’d have been better off telling the truth.
And then discovering all the other shit that followed.
Appearances are deceiving.
And then there is the little thing about him saying “ILU” or “XO” or whatever way he said he loved me. But he never SHOWED IT. On occasion he would SAY IT but never LIVE IT. I told him over and over again that love isn’t something you SAY it’s something YOU DO.
He couldn’t DO LOVE. And when he SAID LOVE, it was lies.
Athena
Some good observations, Athena….the INCONSISTENCY in his personal appearance and dress and his home and car are telling points.
Interestingly a couple of the people I know who I think are full blown psychopaths are very neat in their persons, and if you met them out and about you would think them very clean, neat, and organized, but their homes are SEWERS…literally…with cat boxes over flowing, trash, clutter, and DIRT to the level you can not comprehend.
OMG…according to this, I am a ppath!! Hahahaha!! My car is 18 years old…great car…Honda…still running great with a lot of miles on it…why get a new one? Why have a car payment? I do take care of my house, but do tend to have quite a bit of clutter…yep, it would probably look a little unkempt inside by some people. I dress very well. Always try to be very presentable. Most things are expensive; some are not. Expensive shoes and handbags.
Oooooh, no…God I hope I am not one!! 🙂