By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is the one characteristic that we must have, and must demand in those with whom we are associated? My thought is that it is reliability.
Most virtues exist on a “sliding scale.” These vary from “all the way” excellence to total ineptitude. Most folks are some where in the middle and that is pretty acceptable. The one virtue, however, that is all or nothing is reliability. You are either reliable or you are not. It is sort of like dead or pregnant either you is or you ain’t. There is no middle ground.
If I employed someone, I would be willing to put up with just about any deficiencies, but not with unreliability. The unreliable person is bound to fail you at precisely the worst possible time. There is an old saying about a Viennese man who, when asked if he had been faithful to his wife, answered, “frequently.” Of course the man who has “frequently” been faithful, has not been faithful at all. By the way, statistics from the Hite Report show that 66% of all married men have been unfaithful at least once. Yet 67% of all married men say that adultery is always wrong.
It is almost impossible to “screen” for reliability except by being around someone for a while and observing them. I heard it said that some people are like “rocks” and others are more like papier-mache painted to look like rocks, but crumble when any pressure is applied.
If you have a relationship with someone who is not reliable, it really doesn’t matter what other admirable characteristics they have if they lack that one, because you never know when they will let you down. We tend, though, many times, to overlook “one” episode of irresponsibility or unreliability and give the person “another chance.” But how many “second chances” are required to realize that someone is UN-reliable? Where do we draw the line?
We must expect consistency from those we deal with on a day-to-day basis. It doesn’t matter much if it is a friendship, a love relationship, or an acquaintance relationship, reliability is a necessity for a successful relationship.
The virtue of reliability is more than just important if we are to avoid the trauma from dealing with psychopaths, it is imperative. If we continue to deal with people who are unreliable, we will continue to experience trauma from those unreliable relationships.
By refusing to tolerate unreliability in those close to us, we make ourselves more immune to psychopathy. By tolerating unreliability in people close to us, we invite pain and emotional trauma. When we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who is unreliable, we must extricate ourselves from the relationship as quickly as possible.
Ox Drover
Louise, you are NOT a psychopath, it takes more than a cluttered house to make a Psychhopath. LOL I too drive POS-es (pieces of shiat) vehicles that run, but are PAID FOR–TA DA!!! and It is okay with me if you write your name in the dust on my furniture, just DO NOT WRITE THE DATE! LOL
I dress “well” but everything I own has come from Goodwill or Savers or Salvation Army….why pay Higher prices when you can get THE BEST for next to nothing if you shop carefully?
I have high quality antique furniture but every piece of it was bought at a bargain somewhere through the years a piece at a time. And every piece has a “back story” behind it. Where I got it and how and from whom….and what a “deal” I got on it.
But I LIVE in my house so there is a patina of scratches and dents on my furniture, and some dust, and some cat hair and now, dog hair, in the carpets, and I don’t worry about someone coming in here and seeing the dust. If they don’t like it they can get a rag and do it themselves or leave. Their choice.
What I am talking about with the people I was talking about above is a SEWER, open the door and the cat shiat smell would knock down a were wolf, can’t find the floor for the stuff filling the rooms, garbage…like on those “industrial hoarder” shows.
Ox Drover
ps I’m not saying everyone who is a lousy house keeper is a P though…I know some folks who are lousy housekeepers that are good folks.
Louise
Oxy:
Well, I guess my house is not THAT bad…haha! But it is pretty cluttered, some of it is due to being such a small house…no where to put everything. My bedroom is the messiest because that is where I pretty much “live.” I know what you mean. My house is NOT like hoarders bad, but I have to admit, I probably would be embarrassed if a friend just popped in! It is also due in most part to my depression that I have gone through…just not feeling like cleaning my house, etc. My house NEVER looked like this until I went through this with spath and quit my job…kind of sad that experience did this to me. But my house does NOT smell and I am extremely clean about my own body. It’s just mostly clutter…no awful pet smells (I have no pets now), etc. Clutter is pretty easy to clean up. Just get some garbage bags and throw most everything away!! It really is mostly stuff that I don’t even need. I had already made up my mind when I was at my mom’s that when I came back, I was going to get it cleaned up and in order. Soooo, I will be doing that in the next couple of weeks.
Me, too…I also know people who are not good housekeepers, but are the best people you will ever meet.
I’m still trying to reconcile in my mind my old car and my expensive clothes, shoes and handbags though…haha!! Geez!! You all got me thinking now!
ErinBrock
Hi…..my name is EB and I haven’t vacumed my house in 3 weeks and I have skiis sitting on my front porch and none of the beds in the house are made. Oh yeah….My car is a mess from the work I do……Ice chests, glitter from ornaments, pine needles from hauling Christmas trees and dog hair from Hols.
BUT… I do have Bouncy hair!!!! 🙂
ErinBrock
…..and not to mention my red stillettos!!!
Louise
EB:
Yay! Glad I am not the only one!!! 🙂
callmeathena
Erin,
You made me laugh. I have red stilletettos and bouncy hair too.
Ha ha.
No, this was something more sinster. The clothes were studied, purposeful. I can’t really describe it, except, if you compared how he dressed to a normal man, even a normal well dressed man, he stood out far and above that. The clothing and personal appearance were stunning. It’s because it was part of the mask.
Once I saw that, then I uncovered more elements of the mask and inconsistencies (going to worship services, while lying through his teeth)……claiming he was living alone while living with a woman……claiming he had multiple homes while he had one…..
The critical thing about the spath is the facade, the mask.
As you know.
Athena
ErinBrock
For me….one of the ‘insights’ into a persons reliability is when they PROMISE.
I promise i’ll be there at 5.
I promise I’ll take the trash out when I get home.
I promise never to do xx again.
I promise you look great.
I promise……..
When a statement is prefaced with ‘I promise’…..you can bet your not gonna get whats promised. All your promised is another excuse!!!
Normal reliable people don’t have to PROMISE! Why, they intend to do as they say……not intensify the statement with a promise!!!
I PROMISE……is a red flag for me to upcoming unreliability.
It’s always the precurser to the let down.
ErinBrock
Athena~ you described my former spath tenent perfectly.
He drove a brand new (stolen) BMW sedan with fancy rims etc…. His wardrobe was all Italian Suits (stolen) and he whipped out his nice grained leather wallet…..European fancy edition, to pay freely for my starbucks when we first met to sign the lease, and he gave me a very personalized gold leafed check for a deposit on the rental.
That was all I got outa him……the free $3.00 starbucks.
The check bounced…..the gold leafing on the check was worth more than the check itself.
After I evicted them (in only 30 days)…..OMG….the house was a PIGSTY! OMG!!! The mold growing in the fridge, the dishes around each bedroom with gook in them -moldy…..the nasty ass bathrooms, the rooms you couldn’t enter with STOLEN merchandise from floor to ceiling. The trash bags with diapers and trash piled up in the front office 10 deep.
YUP hoarder style all the way!!!
But the Beemer was always washed and shiny black. The clothes always dry cleaned and pressed to perfection…..and the shoes polished.
That was it…….all a facade!
I was horrified to see the shambles my place was in…..and so were the cops!
I kicked his ASS with my red stillettos though……shiney, polished and clean!!! 🙂
blossom4th
I know what callmeathena was saying when she said appearances”didn’t fit”.My spath/husband has OCD and he kept me working all the time to satisfy his obsessions….instead of him doing the work!When it came to his car-whoa!He didn’t care that it was full of litter.He didn’t maintain it.For a long time he never had a decent vehicle.For a long time I wouldn’t help him with his vehicles;afterall I was working my ‘fingers to the bones’ taking care of the home and our daughters.But once they were grown and left the home,not as much to do,he was able to talk me into cleaning his car and adding oil & transmission fluid as necessary.