By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
What is the one characteristic that we must have, and must demand in those with whom we are associated? My thought is that it is reliability.
Most virtues exist on a “sliding scale.” These vary from “all the way” excellence to total ineptitude. Most folks are some where in the middle and that is pretty acceptable. The one virtue, however, that is all or nothing is reliability. You are either reliable or you are not. It is sort of like dead or pregnant either you is or you ain’t. There is no middle ground.
If I employed someone, I would be willing to put up with just about any deficiencies, but not with unreliability. The unreliable person is bound to fail you at precisely the worst possible time. There is an old saying about a Viennese man who, when asked if he had been faithful to his wife, answered, “frequently.” Of course the man who has “frequently” been faithful, has not been faithful at all. By the way, statistics from the Hite Report show that 66% of all married men have been unfaithful at least once. Yet 67% of all married men say that adultery is always wrong.
It is almost impossible to “screen” for reliability except by being around someone for a while and observing them. I heard it said that some people are like “rocks” and others are more like papier-mache painted to look like rocks, but crumble when any pressure is applied.
If you have a relationship with someone who is not reliable, it really doesn’t matter what other admirable characteristics they have if they lack that one, because you never know when they will let you down. We tend, though, many times, to overlook “one” episode of irresponsibility or unreliability and give the person “another chance.” But how many “second chances” are required to realize that someone is UN-reliable? Where do we draw the line?
We must expect consistency from those we deal with on a day-to-day basis. It doesn’t matter much if it is a friendship, a love relationship, or an acquaintance relationship, reliability is a necessity for a successful relationship.
The virtue of reliability is more than just important if we are to avoid the trauma from dealing with psychopaths, it is imperative. If we continue to deal with people who are unreliable, we will continue to experience trauma from those unreliable relationships.
By refusing to tolerate unreliability in those close to us, we make ourselves more immune to psychopathy. By tolerating unreliability in people close to us, we invite pain and emotional trauma. When we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who is unreliable, we must extricate ourselves from the relationship as quickly as possible.
Joyce:
So true about reliability. Like you, there are lots of things I can tolerate in the people in my life. And like you, a lack of reliability isn’t one of them. That is a non-starter.
I suspect my strong reaction to a lack of reliability stems from having 2 parents who were, when I was growing up, absolutely notorious for promising anything in the moment to manipulate me into doing what they wanted, and then never following through with whatever they had promised in the moment. When I was involved with the S-ex, part of the reason (and there were so many reasons) I used to walk around with my stomach in knots was because of his total unreliability. In those rare instances when he actually foillowed through with whatever he promised to do, I would be awash with relief.
Recently I have been having some problems with a colleague at work. When I analyzed exactly what could be the problem, I realized that several of the the red flags of sociopathy were waving right in my face. But I also realized that the real obvious problem which I was ignoring was his total lack of reliability.
One things a person is telling you when they demonstrate a lack of reliability – that you and your time are of no value to him. That’s it. Plain and simple. You are of no value to him. Zip. Zilch. Nada. And I have learned the hard way (and apparently need to re-learn the lesson every now and again) that once that message has been sent to you, the message isn’t going to change or improve with time. Instead, the blow-olffs will increase, and the so-called apologies/excuses will only be more self-serving. More to the point, tha t so-called relief comes at a very high price – your self-respect. Because inevitably you turn your anger on yourself rather than justifiably turning the anger where it should be turned – the person who is dissing you by showing a lack of reliability.
I also realized that by permitting this colleague to be so unreliable I was essentially enabling his poor performance. In the old days I would have tried to clean up his mess quietly to maintain peace in the workplace. This time I walked into my boss’ office, laid out the scenario for her, and threw him under the bus.
Amazing how that knot in my stomach vanished just like that.
HEy, Matt, wonderful to see you lurking around here still!
Glad you sent the guy under the bus, too! What a wonderful feeling to have it off your chest and under the bus where HE BELONGS. I hope your boss appreciated what you did. It sucks when your boss doesn’t pick the ball up and run with it. Mixing metaphors here a bit, but you get the idea.
Yea, reliability is a big thing with me too…I’ve always been pretty doggone reliable and I let others get by without being, and like you, I turned my anger inward. NO more. Now I’m throwing’em under the bus too.
I’m not sure you can do so, but did you see the article about the parole protest for my son? If you could, could you write a letter of protest for me…the directions are in the article? I’m scared to death he may actually get out this time and so am trying to get every literate person I know to write a letter…and a couple of relatives who are not so literate! LOL Thanks if you can do it, if not I understand.
Matt,
Awesome job! well done.
I wish we could throw every single spath under the bus, WHERE THEY BELONG.
Until then, I’ll just have to enjoy your victory, vicariously.
Oxy, I will write a letter about your son. Can you post a link to the article again? I can’t find it.
Athena, here is the llink, THANKS!!!!
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/12/16/help-protect-joyce-alexander-ox-drover-from-her-murderous-son/#respond
Interesting that you have similar observations, Athena and Louise.
My theory is that the “hyper vigilance” I saw about the day to day “appearances” of things, dishes done, cars washed, clothes to the cleaners, haircut etc. was his way of keeping up the “mask”, keeping things in “order”, was an offset to the pyramid of lies he was juggling, too many to keep straight, unless he simultaneously ran a very “clean ship”, had the obvious stuff tightly organized.
Maybe also telling is that the first thing I did whenever he was out of town was let the dishes pile up, clothes fall in a heap, leave the beds unmade. It was like a vacation from the rigid sense of order he imposed, on a very chaotic mess.
The chaotic messes, it turns out, were manufactured for my benefit, to keep me destabilized, insecure, fearing for the welfare of my family. He invented them to manipulate me, while taking care of his every whim on the sly. I am still gobsmacked by all the diligence it took to float those lies for 27 years, confounded by the notion that it gave him satisfaction to have several “fake” persona’s and lives, while keeping me dancing on the head of a pin.
He is faking a new one now, with the new wife and caregiver, gone “back to the church” etc. No hint of his obsession with porn, let alone trolling for one on one sex with men. Go figure.
anitasee,
yep, it’s fricking off the wall unbelievable. But we better believe it because that’s what they DO.
anitasee:
Hmmmm, the more I think about this, the more I see this to be true and what I also had observed, but did not put two and two together.
The one I knew dressed in very expensive clothes…I mean VERY expensive…Bally shoes, $150 dress shirts, etc., but he did wear the same thing all the time. He kept his Mercedes immaculate, but when I walked into his apartment…OMG!!!!!! He was embarrassed to take me there and even admitted it to me, but of course, I didn’t care…I was “in loooooove”…hahaha!!! He had clothes piled up three feet high…not exaggerating. He had dirty wine glasses sitting all on top of the counter near the sink. He had NO toilet paper! The mirror in his bathroom was so dirty from all the splash marks that you couldn’t even see in it! He had no bed. At the time, I didn’t think about these things (as we all do not…we are so caught up, we don’t see ANYTHING!), but later it all made sense. Of course he didn’t have a bed…he wasn’t planning on staying there much longer…he was going back to his marriage. Why invest in the expense of a bed when he was going to go back home?? It also made sense as to why he had no toilet paper…he most likely was staying at his house sometimes…probably going back and forth. It also made me realize that his wife obviously takes care of all the cleaning in the house…without her around, that is what his place would look like!!! It was absolutely horrid. So what I am realizing thanks to Arianna is that anything that was seen by the outside world (his appearance and his car) was kept immaculate and anything that was hidden like his apartment, was a mess! Yessssss, part of the mask!!! Great observation!!! I never put this together before! Hey, now I know I am not a spath…I drive around in an old car and I don’t care who sees!!! 🙂
Louise isn’t it amazing what we start to put together into a “picture” when our eyes are no longer blinded by ‘LUUVVVVV” ? LOL
Anitasee, yep ditto to what I said to louise.
My P BF lost the house in the divorce and he “lived” at his hunting cabin…really cute “play house” but NOT a house to live in…no indoor plumbing or running water…5 miles at the end of a dirt trail, not even a road. He also had an RV trailer that he “lived in” part time, but no real HOUSE or APT.
He was of course planning on moving into MY house.
(head shaking here) AMAZING what we can see 20/20 in hindsight.
Oxy:
Yes, it is amazing what we see when the blinders are off.
Sure sounds like he was planning on moving into YOUR house! So glad you got away from that one!!