Like millions of fans around the country and the world, I gasped when I heard the news: Robin Williams was dead of an apparent suicide.
How could it be? He was so funny! Every time I watch Birdcage I practically fall off the sofa laughing.
And he was such an amazing talent! In Good Morning Vietnam, Williams ad-libbed all of the Adrian Cronauer’s broadcast scenes. And the movie Aladdin was rejected for an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay because Williams, as the Genie, ad-libbed so many lines.
See some of Williams’ magnificent improvisations here:
Robin Williams Ad-Lib: Remembering the late, great actor with 9 of his greatest improvised moments, on IBTimes.com
But it turned out that, like many comics, Robin Williams’ humor was born of pain. He struggled with depression and substance abuse, and on August 11, 2014, the pain became too great. He hanged himself.
Warning signs
Williams’ death drew attention to the tragedy of suicide. Many, many articles have been written about suicide prevention. Here are two:
Robin Williams’ Death shows suicide can strike at any age. Here are ways to prevent it, on Forbes.com.
Robin Williams: How to recognize suicide signs, where to get help, on LATimes.com.
According to the Centers for Disease Control, following are warning signs that someone is thinking about suicide:
- Talking about wanting to die
- Looking for a way to kill oneself
- Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose
- Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
- Talking about being a burden to others
- Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
- Acting anxious, agitated or recklessly
- Sleeping too little or too much
- Withdrawing or feeling isolated
- Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
- Displaying extreme mood swings
Experts say that if a friend or loved one is displaying these symptoms, don’t leave them alone, keep them away from firearms, and get help.
So, does this apply when the person talking about suicide is a sociopath?
I am not stating or implying that Robin Williams is a sociopath. Rather, I am using the tragedy of his suicide to examine this important topic and how sociopaths twist it to suit their own purposes.
Sociopaths and suicide
To gather data for my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted an Internet survey of people who believed they were romantically involved with a sociopath. A total of 1,352 people completed the survey.
Twenty-one percent of respondents said the sociopath they were involved with threatened to commit suicide, or actually went through with the act.
If you’re involved with a sociopath who threatens suicide, you need to understand that it’s not about pain, despondency or desperation. It’s about control.
Here is an example of this behavior, taken from emails sent by Lovefraud readers:
He would have the most horrible outbursts that would come out of nowhere and terrorize me, then act like nothing happened or threaten suicide if I tried to walk away.
And then there’s this story:
I entered into a relationship, and within a few months I was married. Then within 2 weeks my money from my children’s college account was gone. Turns out it was my new bride.
I was husband number 9 (thought I was #3).
I thought she was suffering from cancer for the 5th time (never had cancer).
She attempted suicide (but planned for me to find her in time, which I did).
Why they do it
From the emails I’ve received, it seems that sociopaths threaten suicide for two basic reasons.
The first is a pity play. They talk about wanting to end their lives in order to get you to feel sorry for them. If you’re someone who tries to “save” people, this tactic can be especially powerful way for them to get their hooks into you.
The other reason sociopaths threaten suicide is to make you feel guilty. If you’re like most people, you couldn’t bear to be the reason that someone committed suicide. So you try to console or appease the sociopath. Or, you give in to what he or she wants.
What’s amazing is that some sociopaths are so focused on making their targets feel guilty that they actually kill themselves. Here’s an example from the Lovefraud files.
My husband committed suicide, and though I know he did me wrong, I can’t help feeling ridden with guilt that I didn’t understand where he was at, that maybe I could’ve helped him.
He was cheating on me, and now I’m making excuses for him cause he died. And I’m so miserable without him, I feel I’m going crazy.
Here’s another one:
He had a girlfriend but told me it wasn’t working, and after a year of meeting him again we were married.
I found out he had been in contact with her all along. Needless to say he denied all this. One day when I insisted he phone her and a fight ensued between us, he beat me up badly, and I threw him out, as he was living with me in my house.
I fetched him again 2 days later, but since then we bickered every day, and two weeks later he took his own life.
I am devastated, don’t know how to cope, and realised after reading Lovefraud that he was a sociopath. It is very difficult to put my life together again.
For more about why sociopaths kill themselves, read a previous Lovefraud post:
Sociopaths and suicide, by Steve Becker, LCSW
What to do
If someone is threatening to commit suicide, and you believe that person is a sociopath, what do you do?
Remember that a sociopath is not talking about suicide because he or she is suffering from unbearable pain. It’s all about manipulation and control. That means one of two things:
Either the sociopath is lying about contemplating suicide, and just trying to make you feel guilty.
Or, the sociopath is serious and may commit suicide, essentially to spite you.
Either way, you cannot fix the problem.
You cannot appease a sociopath and expect him or her to become healthy. Eventually, the sociopath will threaten suicide again, reasoning that if it worked once, it will continue to work.
If you believe the sociopath may actually go through with the plan, the answer is simple: Call 9-1-1.
I had a seven-year affair with my sociopath pastor
My ex did this to me! A big extravagant suicide! Huge letter that he deliberately left at his parents so that he would get the most attention! Well it worked! We had the police look for him all day, worried for him. Then when we found him (he got caught spying on me) he had been helping a friend out at work, and told hid friend that he had had a huge fight with me & his family so if anyone called for him his mate was to say that he didn’t know where he was!! Unwittingly this friends enabled him!! A few months later he mentioned again that he would be better off dead & he wished that I hadn’t stopped him ( mind you he never actually attempted it) I ignored his behaviour & changed the subject, talking generally about our youngest child, he walked off angrily. I called a councillor explaining that he is just saying this as a form of control, how should I respond? He advised that I give him all the attention he wants, never assume he is bluffing!!! Well needless to say I continued to ignore him saying that & true to form he went out had some more affairs, I left him & 4 years later he is still alive! Has never threatened it again as it didn’t get the reaction he wanted!!
When I told my ex I was leaving him, he threatened suicide. Something to the effect that I would come to get my things and would find him dead.
I offered to call 911 for him, if he was serious, and he admitted that he wasn’t… It’s just an attempt at control.
I should have done it. Then I would have had 72 hours to move out in peace rather than the five I took…
This article reveals why the nuances of disorder matter. Sociopath versus borderline.
Both personalities seek to control us through our emotions. But people with BPD usually mean it when they threaten suicide, sociopaths rarely mean it.
I understand why Narcissists and sociopaths and borderlines are lumped together on this site. They share destructive, soul destroying characteristics. We are their victims. We can’t allow them to blame us for their choices/decisions. We don’t have the power to be inside their bodies and brains and fix what is wrong with them. We are not equipped to be their therapists.
Years ago when I first started working in mental health a very experienced nurse said to me there are only two reasons people take their own lives- the ultimate act of despair or the ultimate act of anger. Over the years I have known many people who have died that way, far too many people really. But she was right, even with the ones who died in error really, that’s where they were acting from.
The advice is sound, call emergency services. You can not be solely responsible for someone else’s life. Even when its the person you love best in the world.
Donna, Robin was thought to have said something that made me wonder.
I am not sure if he actually said it though.
“the only thing worse than being alone, is being with people who make you feel alone.” does anyone know if he actually made that statement?
rgc.
rgc, I don’t know the answer to your question but it reminded me of something similar than Janis Joplin supposedly said. Being famous results in a lot of people thinking they know and love you, but they do so from an artificial basis. The ones who love and accept the “real you” may be few and far between.
How sad that my generation has seen so many brilliant, wounded performers end up the same way, universally adored but feeling alone inside.
It sounds like something Robin Williams would say, and I think that is true but he had a part to play in that too. If you don’t like the people you are hanging out with, go find new and better friends. Who knows. People who have depression and suicidal tendencies may just not be right in their life thought/action patterns.
Oh no that isn’t right V, well not for me anyway. I have/do have times when I feel that way. I have bipolar II, I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t cause it. I work hard on my well being everyday, I am by nature positive and I have the blessings of a loving family and very good friends who love me just the way I am. And still those times come, Ive learned to live my life around and through them, cant ever damage my kids especially but other people as well by leaving too soon. I resent that sometimes. Its tiring, dispiriting and frustrating when you work so hard to stay in the ok but still, still get the crashing waves of overwhelm and despair. Its even harder to bear when there is no reason for it imho. Its how Im made for some reason. Im lucky in that I get the satisfaction of using that knowledge to help other people in my work.
What I don’t do, is bring other people into it unless its terribly bad for a longish time then I use professional help.
Most people would describe me as outgoing, funny, warm, balanced and bubbly. You never know what people exist with. It takes a lot of strength and a heap of resilience strategies.
Another great insightful article…
My ex sociopath would try to coerce money from me by playing the suicide card…I had stopped “lending” him money since of course he never paid it back. I said NO….
So he would then call back and say, “Listen, if anything should happen to me I want you to know I just couldn’t take much more and I am going to end it all”….so then he would come over and pretend to be sad and hug me and stroke my hair, wow, what a FAKE…..
I told him I was going to call his eldest son to get him the help he needed since I couldn’t help him….he changed to anger and told me to never interfere with HIS family….
He got a threatening glaze in his eye and I gave him the money…it wasn’t much but I feared for my grandson….later on after I knew he was a wimp, I stood my ground and he lost all power over me…..all of his power, control and sex control…
Be wise and don’t fall for the ones who play that card….you can spot the crocodile tears….and its all a big crock of crap….
Love you all….
“I see a free woman basking in the love of her life, her love for family, her freedom and her own inspired happiness….”
and Hallalejah to You!!!
My Ex is one of the clearest sociopaths I’ve ever seen, so I required 2 psych evals (believing he would be diagnosed accurately, and it would help me protect my kids in court). That did happen. He threatened suicide about 3 months after I ended the marriage, as I was beginning to shut him out more and more, from any contact with me. (This, largely due to reading about No Contact on this forum.) He was still in contact with his kids at that time, and sent them emotionally abusive text messages, culminating in his suicide threat. He couldn’t get us to react and respond to him the way he wanted, so that was his trick. I called 911 and sent them to check on him.
The next day, I went to the court and applied for a Domestic Violence Protection Order, taking photos of the text msgs. His suicide threat was key to my being awarded the DVPO (there’d been no physical violence). My getting the DVPO was the ultimate act of me taking away his control of us, and he went enraged. He made phone calls the next day, looking for a hit man to have us killed. He talked about it to two witnesses, who went to police.
He was never charged with any crime for this, but he violated the DVPO several times, was jailed and arrested. The DVPO, and the hit man threat, caused him to lose all contact with his children, which was the healthiest thing for the kids. That was two years ago, and the healing I am seeing in my kids lately is amazing. I have prayed for their healing and have worked my tail off to keep them safe, along with many other people. They are thriving, taking honors courses, dating, are joyful, funny, and doing good. (I did have them in counseling from the beginning, and still today.) If you are dealing with a sociopathic Ex, do all you can to protect your children, and know that healing IS possible for both you and them.
If you can achieve No Contact for children of sociopaths, it may be the healthiest option. It certainly was in my case. My Ex is still alive and was seen trolling bad neighborhoods for hookers yesterday.. a habit that he’d had for his whole life, and which is what ended our marriage when I discovered it.
Hi! I just wanted to say I am very impressed with your strength that you have and that I am able to relate to some of your story as well in terms of hiring prostitutes as my ex would go online to various websites for this as well during our marriage and cheated with high end call girls I guess one would call them throughout our marriage.
What I am curious about is how you are able to survive without any support financially from your ex? That is my biggest struggle at the present time. He is not currently paying me any child support and refuses to seek employment as a way to punish ME, yet of course this only punishes our three children. It is court ordered yet he lives in another state and the motion has been placed in one state for him to pay yet to locate him in another state may take up to 9 months, despite my knowing exactly where he is living. It is all rather frustrating. I just find myself in awe of those who are able to make it work without losing everything as it seems so many are able to do this and for myself, I simply cannot seem to get ahead without some financial support from him as he left me with far too much debt of his to begin with to pay and I make too much to qualify for any government assistance apparently. I miss that cut off each time somehow? Again, very frustrating! Thank you for listening to my vent. I wasn’t intending to that! Just wanted this to be a compliment towards you on your progress and hope to be able to achieve what you have one day.
Momto3, you have a not-so-secret Admirer. Me.
Try calling Social Services in your state to see if they can help you. They may be willing to collect the support on your behalf.
Also, hang on. Every day the kids get closer to being grown and not all surprises are bad ones. Here are tightly crossed fingers for you, and prayers to go along with them: XXXXXXX.
Hi Momto3and survivingexsocio – could you declare bankruptcy and start all over again in 7 years – there are good agencies that can help you do this – get rid of his debt – ugh! – why? it’s not yours anymore and someone should help you get rid of this so you have that at least to help! Praying for you – V
Very informative post! My ex used the threat of suicide to get what he wanted, and I see in hindsight, a huge way of keeping his image intact for his female therapist. He was a consumate manipulator. My thoughts deal with the socio/psychopath who doese this. I don’t know if they truly “feel pain,” but these beings surely know how to mimic emotions.
An excellent write-up. Thank you.
Socio/ psychopaths, etc, etc,etc. can also have mental illness and personality disorders, as if JUST being a psychopath isn’t enough!
I was accused of threatening to kill myself because I said I felt like killing myself. At the time he had my brain and heart so twisted into confusion I could barely function. I had depression, PTSD, shingles and was chronically constipated for the first time in my life. There were several times during the relationshit that I said I FELT like killing myself but never said(threatened) I was GOING TO kill myself or attempted to kill myself. Of course he used his twisted version of what I actually said and meant to scapegoat me during the discard. I could excuse this as him actually interpreting what I had said to mean I was threatening suicide if it were not for the fact that this was classic behavior for him throughout the relationshit, to take something I said, tweek and twist is slightly and spin it back in my face with an entirely different meaning to invade responsibility for HIS actions.
It seems we can’t really KNOW what goes on in the minds of a person who chooses to take their own life…we try to answer the why from our view….The death of Robin Williams hit my children as they admired him for his humor and talent…he brought them laughter ….in spite of the pain in life….laughter as a mask for hopelessness does not make sense….we want laughter to say that in spite of all the pain…there IS hope…. As their mother…I have concern for them….My husband and their father….took his life 6 years ago….It was a progressively difficult marriage…he was very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive to me…he was physically abusive to our middle son…I later found out that he beat him with a 2×4 for a paddle…out at the barn…for stealing his brother’s gum….To him…I never seemed to give him enough sex …or it really probably became too hard to make amends after he would abuse me….I found it hard to be close to him …but I would try to continue to forgive…After 25 years I was tired…I cried out to GOD many times along the way and HE did help me…I shot an arrow prayer one day…”Lord You humble him”….the next night my son and I were talking before he and his dad left the house…Nothing in the conversation was bad…for some reason…as often happened…his dad assumed without asking …so they went down the driveway….all of a sudden they are back in the door…son has a bloody face…I am freaked….son says “dad hit me”….Son calls the police as he was advised by school councelor…as this was the third attempt by father to hit him in the face…(he missed the other tries)….police came and ended up taking their dad to jail…three days later I watch this man plead guilty to family domestic violence…he cannot see me behind the glass….he is wearing orange jump suit…crying…next to plead is a drug dealer…their dad was a school teacher….needless to say…I called a time out and did not have him come home…after 7 months under the covers…much tears….I decided to end the marriage…..I did not have a lot of communication with him…he talked to friends and wrote to my family….explaining what he had done to me in our marriage….said he gave his life to Christ..(hmmm, he claimed to have already done that previously)…it all became confusing to me…I heard he was put on Zoloft and took himself off…then…when we were suppose to have a meeting with the lawyer…he did not show up….later found…he hung himself…..UGGGG!!!………So now…it will never really be over…I have concern for my children …knowing that suicide can infect a family generationally….that life as they might see it will add up to hopelessness…depair…no point….their is something wrong about a parent saying ” I love You” to their kids and then…leaving them…they feel like they are not worth staying around for….Action and words don’t match….wish I could convey to them the value their Heavenly Father has for them….I can pray HE will do it!!!!….In this case …I lived with this man a long time and he never threatened suicide…He was always super controlling…angry…never REALLY sorry enough to change his behavior….I think the pharmaceuticals caused the thoughts a long with the shame…he was a public figure…also…the loss of control…of me…so his final power over me was that…sad…he was really selfish…..His statement was….”He laid down his life for his friend” What that means I am not sure….maybe he felt if he died…then I was free to marry someone who would be good to me???who knows…..
so sorry Grace but you are strong and should be the children’s role model – please understand that you have done all that you could for this man/father of your children and that this is not your doing in any way. Continue on your path to keep the children healthy to break the cycle – talk to them, educate them – they can still love this man that fathered them but the fact is unfortunately he is gone and they need to try to understand that his mind was not right and that was/is the main point. Education is the key to health here. Emotional education. Never, Ever Stop Learning and you and the children will grow and hopefully they will grow strong like you! Much love and hope, from V
thank you so much for your thoughts v….I hope that I can keep learning…seems the older I get …the less I know!…I’m finding it a bit disturbing how much betrayal I see all around….reading love fraud can be hard because it seems so prevalent!…And we know how it starts with a sociopath…it all seems wonderful!….I was with my kiddos dad for 2 years…then married…then two years later kids…he had me on a pedestal…then one day…bamm…I was an f…ing bitch!…I left the hay bale strings on the ground by accident when it was dark out…..it got worse from there…I was always surprised by the abusive things he did…never expecting it….He was mild compared to some of the stories I read….and my experience with a spath who I met and was with for a few years….the tangled web of manipulation…mind games…lies…porn…yuck…and breaking free from the sick bond is far worse than than the marriage of 25 years….The strength needed to get free from that as many of you know…is intense!!!I am thankful that I saw that things were not right…and got out…got away…even though the pull to this day remains!!!
Someone tell me some good stories…of men…women…of nice people….kind and true…