Like millions of fans around the country and the world, I gasped when I heard the news: Robin Williams was dead of an apparent suicide.
How could it be? He was so funny! Every time I watch Birdcage I practically fall off the sofa laughing.
And he was such an amazing talent! In Good Morning Vietnam, Williams ad-libbed all of the Adrian Cronauer’s broadcast scenes. And the movie Aladdin was rejected for an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay because Williams, as the Genie, ad-libbed so many lines.
See some of Williams’ magnificent improvisations here:
Robin Williams Ad-Lib: Remembering the late, great actor with 9 of his greatest improvised moments, on IBTimes.com
But it turned out that, like many comics, Robin Williams’ humor was born of pain. He struggled with depression and substance abuse, and on August 11, 2014, the pain became too great. He hanged himself.
Warning signs
Williams’ death drew attention to the tragedy of suicide. Many, many articles have been written about suicide prevention. Here are two:
Robin Williams’ Death shows suicide can strike at any age. Here are ways to prevent it, on Forbes.com.
Robin Williams: How to recognize suicide signs, where to get help, on LATimes.com.
According to the Centers for Disease Control, following are warning signs that someone is thinking about suicide:
- Talking about wanting to die
- Looking for a way to kill oneself
- Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose
- Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
- Talking about being a burden to others
- Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
- Acting anxious, agitated or recklessly
- Sleeping too little or too much
- Withdrawing or feeling isolated
- Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
- Displaying extreme mood swings
Experts say that if a friend or loved one is displaying these symptoms, don’t leave them alone, keep them away from firearms, and get help.
So, does this apply when the person talking about suicide is a sociopath?
I am not stating or implying that Robin Williams is a sociopath. Rather, I am using the tragedy of his suicide to examine this important topic and how sociopaths twist it to suit their own purposes.
Sociopaths and suicide
To gather data for my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted an Internet survey of people who believed they were romantically involved with a sociopath. A total of 1,352 people completed the survey.
Twenty-one percent of respondents said the sociopath they were involved with threatened to commit suicide, or actually went through with the act.
If you’re involved with a sociopath who threatens suicide, you need to understand that it’s not about pain, despondency or desperation. It’s about control.
Here is an example of this behavior, taken from emails sent by Lovefraud readers:
He would have the most horrible outbursts that would come out of nowhere and terrorize me, then act like nothing happened or threaten suicide if I tried to walk away.
And then there’s this story:
I entered into a relationship, and within a few months I was married. Then within 2 weeks my money from my children’s college account was gone. Turns out it was my new bride.
I was husband number 9 (thought I was #3).
I thought she was suffering from cancer for the 5th time (never had cancer).
She attempted suicide (but planned for me to find her in time, which I did).
Why they do it
From the emails I’ve received, it seems that sociopaths threaten suicide for two basic reasons.
The first is a pity play. They talk about wanting to end their lives in order to get you to feel sorry for them. If you’re someone who tries to “save” people, this tactic can be especially powerful way for them to get their hooks into you.
The other reason sociopaths threaten suicide is to make you feel guilty. If you’re like most people, you couldn’t bear to be the reason that someone committed suicide. So you try to console or appease the sociopath. Or, you give in to what he or she wants.
What’s amazing is that some sociopaths are so focused on making their targets feel guilty that they actually kill themselves. Here’s an example from the Lovefraud files.
My husband committed suicide, and though I know he did me wrong, I can’t help feeling ridden with guilt that I didn’t understand where he was at, that maybe I could’ve helped him.
He was cheating on me, and now I’m making excuses for him cause he died. And I’m so miserable without him, I feel I’m going crazy.
Here’s another one:
He had a girlfriend but told me it wasn’t working, and after a year of meeting him again we were married.
I found out he had been in contact with her all along. Needless to say he denied all this. One day when I insisted he phone her and a fight ensued between us, he beat me up badly, and I threw him out, as he was living with me in my house.
I fetched him again 2 days later, but since then we bickered every day, and two weeks later he took his own life.
I am devastated, don’t know how to cope, and realised after reading Lovefraud that he was a sociopath. It is very difficult to put my life together again.
For more about why sociopaths kill themselves, read a previous Lovefraud post:
Sociopaths and suicide, by Steve Becker, LCSW
What to do
If someone is threatening to commit suicide, and you believe that person is a sociopath, what do you do?
Remember that a sociopath is not talking about suicide because he or she is suffering from unbearable pain. It’s all about manipulation and control. That means one of two things:
Either the sociopath is lying about contemplating suicide, and just trying to make you feel guilty.
Or, the sociopath is serious and may commit suicide, essentially to spite you.
Either way, you cannot fix the problem.
You cannot appease a sociopath and expect him or her to become healthy. Eventually, the sociopath will threaten suicide again, reasoning that if it worked once, it will continue to work.
If you believe the sociopath may actually go through with the plan, the answer is simple: Call 9-1-1.
I had a seven-year affair with my sociopath pastor
Grace,
I’m so sorry to read your story.After such mistreatment,it seems strange that it would all just end with his suicide!As you go on to say,you still have concerns for your children,and how his suicide will affect them later in life.
My daughters and I are grieving;but not due to him committing literal suicide.Personally I do feel that his stage IV pancreatic cancer has alot to do with the fact that due to his stubborness,he wouldn’t listen to me as I tried to reason with him about following Dr’s orders about diet and using insulin correctly.
I’m on xanax for anxiety.I remained No Contact with him for a year and 8 monthes.But once he was diagnosed with cancer,we did get back in contact.Not that we’ll get back together in the short time remaining.My health won’t allow for it.And he has the help he needs.I worry more for my girls than I do for myself.
My experience with my soon to be ex-husband and his threats of suicide were many. It typically happened about August – October time frame of any given year. I remember a few years ago, after repeating same “kill myself” episode for the previous four years, I stood up and said “you say this every year about this time, and you have not done it yet!” I turned and walked inside our home and there was never a conversation afterwards.
You see my soon to be ex-spouse, used control and manipulation to control me. I previously felt guilty and wanted to rescue him from feeling those thoughts or actually performing the act. I would watch him play victim and smile knowing that he had me. What I learned from him is that he could never kill himself since he has no remorse for what he does and on top of that he portrays a well put together person but by my years of life with him he is a coward in every sense of the word.
People like him do not change. I have a long ways to go to heal and when I stopped all communication in April of this year, I have felt more peaceful.
I am encouraged by what I read on this site. You have done so much to educate me.
Yes! another survivor and so well named – was 14 the number of years you spent with this loonatic? Sorry, but I’ve been there and I am so over it. The PEACE you get from being in control of your own life is boundless and will keep you sane and moving forward. THere is life after psycho’s after all. May the force be with us all!
Hi v
I wish it was 14 years. It’s actually 36 1/2 years. I look forward to good life. I am in awe of friends and family who are so supportive and loving.
So inspiring. I wish I had friends and family – any family.. but I found this site about a month or two ago and it has helped… you all will be my family and friends in my mind, maybe this will help me feel more hope for my kids future – and my own, only after I know for certain that they are ok. Im tired of being scared for them and guilt over bringing them into a life of Hell where they have a mother just like mine was. It makes for a terrible childhood when you know your parents dont love you to the point they just tell you they dont love you after you finally ask them if they do! I became very mentally distrought after hearing this. I dont think my P has said this to my kids, but they feel it just like I did, before I got confirmation. Sorry for rambling – I just wanted to lend support and admire peoples strength. Survivors, you all are.
My younger sister talked with her own psychologist about it when our mother (formally diagnosed with borderline pd) began making suicide threats, and my sister’s psychologist said that whenever our mother made a suicidal gesture, an attempt, or even threatened suicide, that the best course of action was to call 911.
The psychologist explained that if our mother was genuinely feeling suicidal, that none of us family members had the training, experience, or the professional objectivity to help our mother, and that we needed to call 911 so that the paramedics could treat her and take her for a psychiatric evaluation.
The psychologist went on to say that if the suicide threat or attempt was not genuine and was being utilized as a manipulative tactic to gain attention or to pressure/coerce us into doing something that our mother wanted, or if was a kind of “revenge” behavior meant to punish us, then, being taken in for an involuntary 72-hour psychiatric hold-and-evaluate would not be the result our mother wanted and it would probably discourage her from trying that particular tactic again.
I’ve read that borderline pd has one of the higher completed suicide rates among all the disorders, and part of that is due to the borderline trait of high impulsivity; and sometimes a highly emotional, highly impulsive suicidal gesture can wind up unintentionally fatal. Now that I’ve read your article and the list you included of suicidal behaviors to watch for in sociopaths/psychopaths, I noticed that several of the behaviors are very much part of the borderline pd set of diagnostic behaviors and traits as well.
Thanks for the informative article, and I hope my sister’s psychologist’s advice will end up helping other people as well: take EACH suicide threat or attempt seriously, do not try to respond yourself if a friend or loved one makes a suicide threat or attempt, call the professionals each and every time. Paramedics have the training, experience, equipment and *the professional emotional objectivity* to handle a suicidal person properly that you as a family member or spouse or friend *do not have*.
You know, it has been over a year since I was discarded by my ex. I used to pray all the time for God to take the poison out of me ( the hate, and need for revenge).
So far so good. I hardly ever think of my ex. When something comes up that reminds me of my ex, or her children, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I actually have some VERY ridiculas stories of the idiotic things that she did. I still pray, but now it’s for her and her children, as I know that she has messed them up royally.
Al that being said, I can’t help but think, let them commit suicide. They are miserable people, and after they are done with you, they are going to move on and make someone else miserable, maybe to the point of THEIR suicide.
I know this sounds crass. After all, don’t the police remove criminals off the streets so that they can’t do anyone else harm? If these evil people want to do themselves in, have at it. Which would be worse. A family grieving over a loss of an abuser, or a family broken and children broken beyond repair at the hands of these demons. I know this sounds harsh, but don’t you think that after being used, abused, and betrayed like that, that is would be poetic justice? Comments?
There are some people out there in genuine pain, and their pain is greater than their resources. This is a true tragedy. But when a sociopath threatens suicide or successfully commits suicide, there is usually some sort of manipulation behind it. They are trying to make someone feel guilty or get a certain response from someone. Or maybe they do think they will somehow be glorified in death or that death is better than facing the consequences of their actions.
In the case of the guy I dated, my friends and I gave sworn statements to the army that ended up getting him convicted of fraud and adultery. During the investigation, his platoon sergeant reported to me that he was suicidal. At first, I had a pang of guilt for turning him in. After all, he had a young child. But the pang of guilt only lasted for about 30 seconds. “He won’t do it,” I told her. He’s bluffing. Of course, he did turn out to be bluffing. But if he had actually gone through with it, I would not have felt guilty. He brought his troubles on himself. I’m with you, Phillip. One less living sociopath means one less menace to society. I don’t know if I would do anything to help a sociopath die, but I’d gladly read the obituary.
My sociopathic boyfriend become stalker made a suicide hoax. He did take pills and left clues on my driveway so I would call an ambulance. I figured out it was a hoax because the hospital let him out a day later.
But he also told me (after the court order was expired months later) he knew he would wake up. He just wanted to pull me back in. Amongst the lies are the boasts of their sick truths. They love to brag about what they get away with.
I had no idea my husband of many years was a sociopath until after his suicide. He left a note for the cops that said simply, this is my wife’s fault.
It was clearly a revenge suicide.
He also structured the mortgage on our home, so that as soon as the bank learned of his death, they called the note.
After his death, I learned that he had countless sexual dalliances with mistresses and prostitutes. He left behind several clues which took months to decipher. One led to a secret email account. He erased five years of emails, but left just enough to let me know that he’d been cheating on me throughout our engagement and marriage.
And he kept it all a perfect secret during the marriage. His last affair was with a woman in his law office that he despised because, “that stupid €itch can’t keep her mouth shut and tells every secret.”
He told her terrible lies about me, and after his death, she performed just as expected. His “smear campaign” was perfectly executed.
He was a trial attorney and since his suicide, I struggle every hour to tear up the script he wrote for me and not accept the burden of blame he placed on me.
This whole mess has nearly killed me. I’ve moved out of the city and will soon change my last name.
He put his entire focus on destroying me and nearly succeeded.
Socipathswidow,
I am truly sorry this pure evil of a man was in your life. Heart wrenching story!! I just want you to know I hear you & I believe you. Hugs to you. â¤ï¸
Wishing you a blessed future. take care.
I see it differently. Robin had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and had related dementia. This was not just depression but he didn’t want to continue living with these disabling conditions. He had had a good life and chose to end it at this time.
First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to all with much gratitude for the site that saved my life in 2008. Thank you Donna and the LF community.
Dear Sociopath’s Widow: It seems unimaginable that a person would go so far as to kill himself to exact revenge! His last act on earth was to try and make you suffer for the rest of your life after all the pain he caused while he was alive. Despicable. I hope you never even consider accepting any kind of blame for his despicable deed. Thankfully, he is at least out of your life. What a waste of a human being. Sorry, but I am one who believes the only good sociopath is a dead one. And this is from someone who has a pet boa constrictor. (Yes, I value her life above a sociopath’s).
Dear Lovefraudfan, I hope you get as far away from this poor excuse for a human being as you can. Who fakes a suicide to get a response? A sociopath. Disgusting.
Finally, just slightly off topic, but we just passed the law in Colorado allowing a person to choose a humane death by MD injection if they are suffering with a chronic incurable illness. I wonder if that law had been passed in Robin William’s area whether he would have had the presence of mind to choose that more gentle way to end his life.
Stargazer Robin was a recovering alcoholic and probably didn’t want to end his life with a drug so the only option he knew was hanging. There are other non-drug options but I guess he wasn’t aware of them. He was a great guy and brought laughter to many.
Also grateful for this site.
Thank you for your post, Sunnygal. I wouldn’t venture to guess why Robin Williams chose his method of suicide, but you may very well be right. I once had a therapist tell me “genius is pain”. His explanation was that all people have an inner critic who sits on their shoulder and beats them up. But in people who are exceptionally bright, that critic works overtime. In addition, people like this often tend to see the world differently than most, so it is hard to find like-minded friends. They can become isolated easily. It makes sense to me.
About Robin Williams:
The news media loves a good gossip. Information has come out about Robin Williams health deterioration (Lewy Body Dementia) since his suicide and it is extremely unfair to continue the UNTRUE gossip.
Yes, sociopaths do kill themselves. It’s rare, very rare. I wonder though, if it’s more likely Borderline Personality Disordered people who do it. But when it does happen, the sociopath almost always takes the innocent with them, their children, spouse/sig other, mass shootings.
But Robin Williams, was a tragedy, and does not fit into a defined box.