Last week found me involved in an unusually high number of conversations about sociopathy. By now I’m no stranger to explaining my own experiences to incredulous people and then patiently answering their questions and putting in to plain words the fact that no, a sociopath will not even begin to know the meaning of the word ”˜sorry’ let alone feel it!
“But surely Mel, I know if I’d done something even remotely as heartless as the person you’ve just described… well, I’d be eaten up with guilt! I couldn’t sleep at night!” they exclaim, eyes wide open and hands held to their face. “Surely deep down they must know they’ve done wrong and feel ashamed?”
Each time I hear that kind of response, I just smile, take a deep breath and prepare to explain in yet another way that no — these people simply don’t have the same responses that we do. They are devoid of conscience and empathy, they don’t feel sorry for the things they do, and in actual fact they don’t ”˜feel’ emotions in the same way we do — period!
And that is where I believe it can be such a challenge for those of us to know to get others to believe what we’re saying. Because, as the French author Anais Nin so eloquently put it “We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are” And of course it makes perfect sense. We use our own judgment and experiences to make sense of the world around us, and because we have a set of emotions and responses, we expect other human beings to have something similar.
The Looking Glass
This perfectly natural trait of human acceptance is also a response on which con-artists and tricksters depend. They’ll target honest open people who judge others as they judge themselves — and because they wouldn’t dream of deliberately conning another, they can’t comprehend that the person in front of them is anything other than who or what they profess to be. A variation on the old theme of “do as you would be done by” it’s a case of “understand according to your own experiences”. And when you think about it, how can anyone really be expected to understand other than from their own experiences?
It’s like, say, when we’re having a conversation with a friend and they’re explaining something they’ve seen or somewhere they’ve been without us for example. When things don’t quite make sense, we might screw up our face, scratch our chin, and search through our memory banks until we find something in our own experience that seems somewhat similar. Then we can make sense of what they’re saying and we say “ah, yes, now I know what you mean! You’re saying it’s like”¦ blah blah”¦”
A disco mirror-ball invites us to do something similar. The broken up little squares might promise me a new perspective — but when I look in to it the reflection is still always the same. It’s me. How could it be anything else?
I remember when my discovery of the nature of sociopaths suddenly made ghastly sense of what had happened to me. I remember the horror as well as the relief. The burning need to learn more and yet the impossible struggle to grasp that such alien creatures actually live and breath among us – let alone that I was married to one! I just couldn’t get it! It was only after trawling through so many incidents that had left me hurt and bewildered, only after mentally finding a number of examples for each of Dr Hare’s checklist subjects that I could finally let the truth settle.
So, there I was, only truly believing it once I had made sure with my own internal reference points!
It’s Just Not Me!
Blinkered? Foolish? Or just following my natural instinct to see others as we see ourselves? The jury may be out on that one, but I plump for the last option — because I happen to believe it’s the truth.
That’s how we can remain duped for so long. That’s how they can get away with their repetitive and increasingly outrageous bad behaviour. That’s why when they plead and say sorry, we believe that they are — because that’s how we would respond ourselves if we were in their shoes!
And that is why, for those of us who know, it’s such an uphill battle and constant struggle to convince others that what we’re saying is true. That’s why I regularly heard a set of questions that at the time felt like accusations “But if all this was really going on behind your back, how on earth didn’t you notice anything?” “Why didn’t you check more closely?” Because I would never have imagined behaving in that way, that’s why. Because I believed that the love was real. Because I’ve jolly well got values and a solid understanding of right and wrong — that’s why for goodness sakes!
And yes, I know and fully understand all that now, but at the time it was happening I felt that I was being attacked all over again. If somebody didn’t believe me, then surely it meant that I wasn’t worthy of being believed. If another person was so convinced that I should have noticed something, well then perhaps it meant that I was stupid. The shame kicked in, the self-doubt reared inside me, and I’d slink down to hide myself from the humiliation.
But the thing is, though, how could I have expected someone who hadn’t actually been in my place to understand something that I even struggled with myself — and I’d been the one in the firing line!
I can’t go back in time — well, not yet in any case, so far as I know time travel is still something that has yet to be mastered — but if I could I know now that I would have been much better protected against the innocently persistent questions that were thrown at me by well meaning friends and colleagues. They weren’t doubting me — they were just trying to understand something that was so completely out of their sphere of reference, it just didn’t make sense. But at the time, my response was to recoil and shut up. Drawbridge up, shutters down, and don’t say another word.
These days it’s different. These days I have achieved sufficient distance to answer any number of questions calmly and with compassion. I welcome the questions as an opportunity to test my ability to explain. To strengthen my mental flexibility and to deepen my comprehension.
And with each new conversation, I find I’m becoming better equipped to answer and educate — maybe not to the level of the full experiential comprehension that we share here on this site of course; I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But slowly, surely, I do believe that it’s possible to find ways to help the unsuspecting and incredulous understand and take heed. And I believe that it’s the likes of us, those who’ve been there seen it and got the T-shirt who can become hugely influential in getting the message out there. I realise there’s a long way to go, but the crusade is growing — and I have a feeling in my soul that little by little the worm is turning.
So watch out spaths, psychos and all you other misfits. You can run but you can’t hide for ever, because ready or not we’re coming to get you.
“Dupey”… that’s cute. :O)
Like getting off the bike after a long motor cycle ride…. hmmm. I get that.
I do remember that there was a physical sensation to the psychological torture.
A lot of the “torture” was my own head circling anc circling, trying to make sense of the senseless.
Now I would recognize that crap-a-doo from a mile away. HA-HA!
XO Aloha
(I love to say “crap-a-doo”)
Crap-a-doo.
Possibly too much ice cream in one sitting.
LPMarie13 –
“I actually discovered another Spath in my life by asking him if he knew anything about sociopaths when I was describing some of my concerns with my ex. I already suspected this guy was Spathy. He responded he knew “a little bit.” …. He went into a tirade about an ex-girlfriend who accused him of being one… After that, our interactions significantly changed…. treats me with complete disrespect in one on one interactions… he is a supervisor at one of my jobs. I suspect he would be trying to actively hurt me if I wasn’t as well liked by his supervisor as I am. … suspect he’s trying to convince others at work that I am a loose cannon, as some who work closely with him began treating me differently shortly after that conversation. I can only hope he gets the promotion he’s trying for…”
Please, please, please – if you MUST work with this man, then at the very least read “Snakes in Suits” as soon as possible, so that you know what you are probably up against.
You sound as though you are not too concerned about what this creep might have said/might be saying behind your back, but honey, if you need that job, you NEED to be concerned. The little bit you just typed REEKS of the case studies in that book.
I understand all too well the difficulties in explaining my experience with my ex H spath.
It’s been four and a half years since I drove him out–fighting for my life and sanity and five and a half since it happened. It all happened in a period of nine months as my kind loving husband changed into an incest fantasizer and peodophile in front of me regarding our children.
It is a hard experience to explain– so I don’t bother telling anyone and being believed has been a nightmare.
First of all–how do you explain multiple personalities that burst from him in quick succession. One that was extremely cruel and sadistic that saw me as his sex partner in deviant sex–one that called himself after our son and was in love with me calling me by my daughter D’s name and one that was like a little boy who was in love with our daughter A who was only nine at the time.
How do you explain–an attempt to split your own personality to fit this fantasy in his head–calling you by your kids names over and over until you are so confused by the moulding abuse that you begin to answer to their names.
How do you explain that it was forced upon you rapidly that he had a love/hate mother issue. And you were the mother in his mind.
How do you explain the terror that you felt with a nowhere to run and nowhere to hide feeling as every computor in the house had been rigged with messages and images to terrorize me into complience.
Shock and awe he called it–military precision.
I was sleep deprived–lost loads of weight and I was dying. At the end he was telling me to commit suicide because I was worthless and just WOULDN’T DO AS I WAS TOLD.
At one point during the experience I realised that no one would believe this. It was too bizarre. I started printing all my correspondance through email that I was sending to him. He sent none.
All he was doing was bullying me into developing a split personality to fit him by always calling me by my daughter’s names.
I was hanging onto my sanity by a thread.
I filed these emails away for the last four years as I thought they would be too painful to go over–but last night I dug them out after having another fruitless conversation with my mum. Bless her–she is trying hard to understand.
It tells it all from my side. Praise the lord. All dated and in line with what I have been trying to explain. Bizarre as it was. Proof at last.
I have a gut feeling that it was a planned attack. All the computors where rigged and I was in a ‘nowhere to run and nowhere to hide frame of mind. Felt totally trapped–yet I could have walked out the door at anytime.
I was in unbelievable pain. Oblivious for 22 years and then this. How could it be.
I now look back over our years together and their are many red flags in hind sight. Car brakes that failed. Unexplainable death of a kitten that I held dear. He hated cats. A fall that nearly killed me down some stairs. A sister that I was kept from seeing that confided to me many years ago that it was him that drove her to suicide.
I was living with a psychopath and I didn’t know it.
As said–I thought he thought like me–mirrored to a tee.
And I judged him by my own standards–my so called best friend.
Thanks for listening.
xxx
There is so much more to this. He was a hidden insatiable monster.
Not to mention the stalking that has went on.
It is like my life has turned into a nightmare that never ends and I can’t seem to develop a sense of saftey.
What do you do with 22 years of your precious photographs of your family with him in them–acting the part as a devoted dad and husband.
An evil lie.
xxx
Littlewhitehorse,
So sorry to hear that horrible story. You know you will heal day by day by being here on LF. I hope you have a therapist too. The story is bizzarre, because that is what they are.
As for the family photo’s, get out the scissors and start cutting him out!
Great post. New here as a commentor but have read the blog before and find it very informative. I have a question, do spaths get crafty/technical with their explanations of things? For example, my spouse (who admitted having an emotional affair) strictly believes these 2 things: 1. That he “deceived” me but never lied to me. He was very adamant about NOT lying and suggested I look up the definition of lying in the dictionary. 2. That the EA never took anything away from his time with our family – as in energywise, emotion-wise, etc. He sees the EA as not having anything to do with the problems that WE were having around that very same time.
I’m supposed to be ‘okay’ with all of this if we are to “heal”.
Of course, I didn’t DISCOVER the EA until years later, after the fact. After he convinced me to stay and I (stupidly) did. I was never supposed to find out in the first place. But uh-oh-spaghetti-o I discovered some written proof.
It seems like he COMPARTMENTALIZES these things and of course has no clue how our past colours our present. I recently discovered a couple of questionable activities and when I brought them up, he seems aghast that I “don’t trust him” and if there’s no trust there is no marriage. (True, actually, I don’t really disagree with that.) But, it’s like he assumes trust is carte blanche once again. I USED to have that attitude that trust WAS carte blance (before my discovery of the EA), and after that — there is no way to give carte blance trust anymore.
All I can say is — OH the lessons we learn in this life. I pray that I am encountering this for a higher purpose/ reason in life.
Please, if anyone here has insight on the 2 points I brought up above I would love to hear your opinion.
THANK you.
Oneday: oh yes, they NEVER “LIE” they only with hold and deceive. That is the same thing MINE said: “I never lied to you…” Well, I don’t know what part of the PLANET “IT” came from but deceptions and web spinning are equally as bad as lying in my book.
No, I am never ‘okay’ with any of their shenanigans and never shall be ever again. They like to present themselves as moral, upstanding people, but underneath, the whole time, they are calculating, manipulating, vile and ugly. Nope. No more.
OH OH SPAGHETTI-O’s! 🙂
Welcome to LF Oneday…this is the place to get your ‘heal’ on…Stick around and read some more.
The same way their deceptions kind of snuck in on us…is the same way this blog helps people heal and grow…it’s the validation that we aren’t insane and of others who understand that makes it so healing.
Happy Day to you Oneday…
Dupey
There are so many amazing comments, where do I start?
New Beginnings:
I can completely understand your feelings of being a mother who has chosen an inadequate father for her child. I don’t think we actively knew how inadequate our partners were at the time, so hopefully when we heal some more, we can let ourselves off the hook for it. We were actively duped, after all! Having my daughter was all part of his agenda. He pressured me to have a baby with him throughout our relationship (not to say I didn’t want her or a family, because I did. It was that dream that was preyed upon.).
Now my daughter has to see him twice a month at supervised visitation and he’s laying it on thick over there! He barely saw her the first year of her life, and now he brings musical instruments to the visits and plays her music, and sings her songs at the visitation center. It’s infuriating, because I know how charming he can be. My goal is to eventually get my daughter and myself away from him and his wacko mom by leaving our state. All in due time, it will happen. I would do anything to keep her safe from his insanity.
How old is your little boy? My daughter is coming up on 14 months. Does your son have any contact with dad?
I have finally stopped telling people about APD/sociopathy and just describe the disturbing behaviors. This approach seems to have a better response.
I recently had to give a taped interview to a detective regarding a missing person that my ex claims to have killed, and I focused not only on what he told me, but also on the behaviors I saw in him over the course of our relationship. I noticed her perk up when I was describing the cold, callous behavior. She was listening very intently when I told her that he appeared to lack remorse for anything, that for him, life was about getting over on people and the system. Winning, at all cost, was what mattered. I referred to him as “the most disordered person I had ever met in life.” That I had never experienced anyone as manipulative and decietful as him. Later, she asked me if I would be willing to take a polygraph. I said I would do anything possible to assist with the investigation. I think she believed me. She probably has to deal with low lives of this variety on a daily basis!
Duped:
You said: “If it is horrid for us, I wonder what it is like for them? To never have a point to their lives. Such a huge void to fill.”
With my ex, I believe only one thing he told me was true. It was at the end of our relationship and he was high on meth at the time. He genuinely looked bewildered when he told me “I don’t understand anything about love.” And I believe, at 47 years old, he meant it. He seemed pathetic to me in that moment. Not in a tragic way… I think I realized how loveless he really was in that moment.
I like how you write about 8 months of NC and the peace you are experiencing. I’m with you! I even saw him on the side of the road today, and at first I was filled with anger. He looked so tanned and healthy. But I remind myself, he’s still an empty shell of a person. And at 48, his mother is undoubtedly still funding his pathetic existence. And meanwhile, my life is progressing and my child is thriving in development. I am deciding he can never hurt me again, no matter what he tries to pull.
Alohatraveler:
I love crap-a-doo! It’s on par with my personal fav: craptastic! Usually as an adjective before a disordered person, as in “craptastic friend” lol.
Aussiegirl:
I felt some panic rise up in me when I read your post. I will look into the book you recommended. He is one of my supervisors in the military, but we are only part time. So I don’t have to deal with him often. Other people know something is up with him, but not everyone. I decided to do a little damage control and call his supervisor who I have a good rapport with. I know her to be trustworthy, and I asked her to keep out conversation private, between us ladies. I told her I feel increasingly uncomofortable with him and I feel he may be intentionally not passing messages forward, etc. I asked her if it would be okay if I reported directly to her in the future. I didn’t get into specifics, but told her he has repeatedly blown me off and treated me disrespectfully. She was cool with it. Right now, there isn’t much I can do about him, but he did not want to allow me to complete training that I need to in order to stay in my job. She just agreed to sign the paperwork and get my equipment needed! I do believe she will keep our conversation between us and she will not let him influence her regarding me and my position. But I do think reading that book would be a good idea to help me negotiate this situation with the minimal amount of damage. One thing in my favor is that I have demonstrated an ability to persevere throughout the awful situation with my ex, and it did not go unnoticed by my senior leaders. Some have told me how strong they thought I was and that they could see how I have improved. Another told me I had come a long way. I think the decent folks stay true to their own perceptions. The military can be somewhat of a viper’s nest on it’s own, and there are some really great people who are above it all, despite the snakes among us. I’m not as worried about the job because it can be a kind of transient environment with personnel and I suspect he will advance soon. He may be able to smear my reputation some, but I have had that done to me throughout my career. I feel powerless to control any of that. I dunno…
Littlewhitehorse:
I’m so sorry for the insanity you went through. I could relate to much of what you wrote. He would often tell me things would be better if I just did what he told me to do. I always thought he was kidding. And that was a problem with a lot of his Spathy behavior. In the whole spirit of the article above, I could not see his behavior as what it actually was, because it was so foriegn to who I am and what I would do as a person. I couldn’t fathom the things he said and did were not some form of a bad joke or him being clueless. I had to finally realize what he was doing was intentionally cruel and he was intentionally malicious to me.
At the end, I was so sick and stressed with his abuse while simultaneously trying to take care of the new baby, health issues and complications from my c-section, working full time, part-time military service and an online class (insanity!). Spathy was telling me in a sickeningly sweet voice that I was free leave if I couldn’t handle being a mother and his NPD, possibly Spath mother would help him raise the baby. They wouldn’t hold it against me!
When I would get overwhelmed and finally yell at him, which was a lot in the final weeks of insanity, he would say I was yelling at him and the baby. I would be quick to say “Do not include my daughter. I’m not yelling at her, I’m yelling AT YOU!” I started to see what kind of sick head games would be in my daughter’s future with him and his sick mother if we stuck around, although I didn’t realize he was a Spath and she has NPD or is also a Spath. One time something fell when I was closing the hatch on my car, and his mother told the baby “your mom’s trying to hit you with that.” There were several instances like this and I finally woke up and realized these crap-a-doo’s (to borrow aloha’s term!) would turn my child against me if they were in her life. It was hard, but I had to go NC with everyone in his family, which left me with no support except the newly hired daycare center and a craptastic friend I recently cut ties with.
I’m building a safe support network now, with carefully chosen people. Since I can’t leave yet, I’ve decided to “bloom where I am planted.” Every day, I take a step, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant, toward my health, healing and progress for the future. Each day is a truly a new beginning! Nothing is perfect, and some times time seems to move too slowly, but progress is being made!