Stories in the newspaper yesterday were disheartening. After reading them, I had to conclude that full-blown sexual predators are everywhere, and doing something about them will be difficult.
The first story I found was about Canadian Col. Russell Williams, an elite pilot who was commander of Canadian Forces Base Trenton, the largest air force base in the country. In 2005 he was photographed with Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip. On February 7, 2010, he was charged with murdering a young woman who had been missing for almost a week.
That’s not all. Williams, considered a “shining bright star” in the military, has been charged with the murder of two women, sexual assault of two other women, and 82 break-ins. What did he steal? Women’s panties. An Ottawa newspaper reported that police seized more than 500 pairs from his home.
The charges have shocked the Canadian military. Retired Major Greg McQuaid wrote reports that helped Williams get promoted. McQuaid’s observation, however, is telling:
“I remember he had a very focused stare or look, and I was just reminded of that when this happened and they showed the photos of him and I said, there’s that look. I remember that look. It was like he’s looking through you at the back of your head,” McQuaid said.
To read about this incredible story, click on these links:
Canada top commander charged with murder, assault, on Philly.com.
The secret life of Colonel Russell Williams, on Macleans.ca. This story discusses psychopaths at the end.
Another story in the Sunday paper was about another sexual predator in the Catholic Church—this one from Brazil. A Polish priest, Marcin Michael Strachanowski, is accused of sexually abusing a 16-year-old former altar boy, and then threatening to kill the youth if he spoke of it.
According to news reports:
Judge Alexandre Abrahao Dias said that investigators found “erotic material sent to the victim via Internet to seduce him” and that the priest also took other youths to the parish house, “which he converted into a kind of erotic dungeon where he submitted them, often with the use of handcuffs, to orgies.”
To read about this case, see:
Polish priest accused of running pedophile ”˜dungeon,’ in the Montreal Gazette.
Priest charge cites ”˜erotic dungeon,’ on Philly.com.
The Canadian colonel is being prosecuted. The priest has been arrested, and the diocese of Rio de Janeiro didn’t cover up the incident. It immediately suspended the priest and expressed regret over the alleged abuse.
These guys have been caught. Given the nature of their crimes, if proven guilty, they’ll probably go to prison for a long time.
Ten days ago, a sex offender in California, John Gardner III, was sentenced to life in prison for raping and murdering 17-year-old Chelsea King and 14-year-old Amber Dubois.
California lawmakers are now considering a bill, nicknamed Chelsea’s Law, that would mandate life sentences for some child molesters and lifetime parole for others. It’s a great idea—but it will cost a lot of money.
After the first 10 years, keeping the predators in jail would cost tens of millions of dollars, according to a California corrections department analysis. But the Legislative Analyst’s Office, which provides fiscal and policy analysis to the California Legislature, puts the cost much higher—at hundreds of millions of dollars.
Read the article here:
California bill aimed at molesters would cost millions, on Google.com.
Last week, Lovefraud reported that the Supreme Court upheld a law to keep sex offenders in jail after their sentences are served. People who commit crimes like these deserve to spend their lives in jail. But is our society willing to pay for it?
I feel more comfortable posting here. because even if I get mad and stand up for myself when I don’t like some responses…I know some of ya’ll are where I am now, and have been where I was.
Look at a sociopath smiling waiting for his verdict.
on the live news feed.
INTERSTING!!
Blueskies, I’m always glad when you show up on the blog, and put your heartfelt two cents in, thank you (and thank you for your kind words, you too bluejay) 🙂
I probably do have to just cool it for today, see if my head will clear. I have this big lump in my stomach, and can’t think. All I feel is nervous anxiety.
Wini, thanks for reminding me that we need to fight. I can’t just throw away the gifts that God gave me, because I’m scared and think I may fail and that evil may win, just because I’m tired of feeling the impact of the smear campaigns. Part of me thinks what I’ll need to do is find a way to complete my work, and complete it in strength and faith, without any traces of some of the uglier emotions that I’m feeling towards the Spaths and their ‘dupees’ (which is my word for their groupies that they duped). I think I won’t feel ready to write what I need to write for the publications until I can do it with a clean heart. maybe that’s what my block is.
Thank you for helping me today, all of you. I’m sure I couldn’t have explained this to other people in my life and hoped for the kind of real understanding and support that I’ve found here.
Psyche
Dear Psyche, I hope you could find some peace by writing all down (for me the rants were cathartic). I understand that you are in a very difficult situation right now, and it is also a very crucial point in your career. Do you have a mentor who could help you?
I have heard from several colleagues in research groups that they got similarly treated as you did (collaborative group members who stole the ideas and published them some hours prior to the original inventor of this idea). The scientific world is small, even when you consider oceans in between. What goes around comes around. Spaths do not steal the ideas of others too many times. Spaths become parias themselves.
Get that thing written, and discuss it with your mentor (you must have one trusted person, I hope!). And do NOT let the spaths know your embarrassment (they would turn it like you were jealous of them because of THEIR brillant ideas you were after!).
And every morning tell yourself in the mirror while smiling: No man can make me ever again feel the way I felt until yesterday (i.e. today May 27th 2010)
And THEN, when you have published that damn thing with the help of your mentor, look around you what you could do next in your life! Continuing in the snake pit? Do something completely different?
If you are an MD: different field? Different country? If you are a researcher: different branch? Different country?
And one thing I almost forgot: Spaths are EVERYWHERE! So you have to examine carefully why you are susceptible to their games. Otherwise changing the habitat would be of no use.
I recommend the Betrayal bond which helped me tremendously, and the archives here. But that is for later.
You wrote:
“Anyway, I feel like if I can clear what’s blocking me, I’ll be able to see the right path. I feel like it’s there, but I just can’t see it.”
I think you already see it! Right in front of you! Get it written, and do not panic before the Spaths. They are just self-inflated highly errected Zeros, Nulls, occupy lots of space, but are of no value whatsoever! And in editorial boards there are many people, and ONE Spath in it is not SO influential as he might think (hopefully!). And don’t you have to do it anyway, with or without Spath?
When you were a little child you had no power to get your doctor’s kit back (I do NOT think it is a dream, it is just your memory that has turned it into a dream because the doctor’s kit meant so much to you and you were so hurt because nobody believed you, I think!) But NOW you have other means to get what you want! I am convinced you will make it!
You know what: the inventor of the cardiac balloon catheter worked in a university hospital in my country and was shunned and ridiculed by his colleagues. He went to the US because he was bullied! There the importance of his invention got recognized. He got worldwide reputation, and the former bully- “colleagues” pittied themselves for having “let go” such a brillant brain! Everybody knows the names of his bullies till today, it is even taught to medical students! He unfortunately died in a car accident, he surely was a candidate for the Nobel prize.
But first: today is the first day of your remaining life. I hope you can find some peace. What about a facial or a massage for 30 Minutes or so? and then get that damn thing written?
You can do it!!
((((HUGS))))
Dear Psyche, no I do NOT live in Germany (THAT would be REALLY HARD! My brother worked in Southern Germany at a time in a University Hospital, and from what he said he was abhored to persue a academic career, he wanted to be in the scientific community; but he refused to take permanent residence in the rectum of his superior, being high in N-traits himself!). But it is in middle Europe somewhere near the Alps.
The sentence with the self-inflated highly erected Null I have from my Spath-father, he actually SAIS it occasionally to people and taught us to say it too to be armed in this crucial world! (I only THINK it, but it is powerful).
The other one sentence I never used but got also taught is: “I do not speak to people like you (of your class), I give orders!”
I have a book specifically on tests to find out about boundaries and the like in relationships “You catched your man of the dreams? Test him thoroughly before you keep him! On Mr vampire, Mr Marlboro and Mr Mon Cherie”. It is basically about the future partner in situations where red flags are imminent, and to see how the reaction is (kind of wet the partner). Very amusing. It is based on watching ACTIONS and not WORDS in everyday situations (and the actions occur even without putting on tests). Like someone stands beside you and points to you the transgressions.
I think we all develop our strategy to insulate agains evil with time. Period. It is highly interesting for me to read here at LF and get new ideas, and the feeling of not being alone.
Also I sometimes get the feeling of not “being heard”. But then I have to examine my “soft spot” of being too dependent upon others and their approval. LF is a wonderful training ground to rant, went, test ideas, get new insights, meet cyberpeople, getting boinked with the cyber- skillet. Thanks!
Oh Libelle, in my eyes, you are very fortunate. First, to have a father who taught you useful ideas, and prepared you well for this life. And second to be near the Alps, which is my favorite place in the world (I actually make knoepfli every Sunday to remind myself of the good experiences I had in Ch.). I don’t know you’re whole story, or exactly what brings you here to LF, but at least it doesn’t seem like it was a bad father.
I actually lived in southern Germany for a year, near one of the university hospitals, in one of the lovely small towns that didn’t get bombed out during the war. Anyway, it was paradise for a visitor, except for a female sociopath who ‘befriended’ me, and all of the Swabish that I didn’t quite understand 🙂
I suppose in English the word ‘test’ can be incendiary, and suggest that if you want to test people, you’re into treating people like they’re amoebas in a lab experiment, but yes, tests, or evaluations, whatever someone wants to call them, it took me a long time to identify which signs I could look for that indicated real trouble, and I only wish I had had a book, or a good father to teach what I learned the hard way. These categories in the book sound really funny, Mr. Vampire, Mr. Marlboro or Mr. Mon Cherie – too funny, and I can picture just the ‘types’ in my head (I dated at least two of them :).
I’m up ridiculously early where I am, just not sleeping from the heat. It’s nice to see you here. Have a wonderful day!
Psyche
Dear Psyche. You lived very near where I grew up (we say actually Knoepfli, which are very tough to make, whereas the Swabish say Spaetzle; CH = Switzerland??).
To LF I came because I had a horrible breakup with the love of my life. I left him as I found out that he saw in me a mere “Escort”! My sister who is a divorce lawyer made me look up the word “Psychopath” and I stumbeled over the LF-site about two years ago, and it has been my lifesaver ever since. I log in quite often, but write rarely.
My life is infested with N/S/P all along, for generations, and I have been primed since infancy to tolerate/endure/ cope with unbearable situations and stay strong and firm. But I am not a victim because it is me who LET THEM DO IT! Also I am now grown up and have other means to cope with it. I learned here mainly that I have to work on my boundaries! I also learned that the longest distance is the stretch between the brain and the heart, it took years for the heart to be able to FEEL the things the brain knew already! Patience was another thing I had to learn painfully. The heart takes its own pace, and can’t be rushed.
Until recently I was in a situation similar to the one DancingWarrior and you are describing now: my boss wanted his girlfriend have my position, I had a bully nurse who was harrassing me and a “colleage” who was aspiring to my position as well, and got befriended by the boss who used her as a weapon against me. My top boss was no help at all as he was friends with the head nurse.
I quit my job and the apartment for an independent partnership to find out just prior embarking that even that colleague, a friend of 20 years (!), was trying to screw me! (my sister the lawyer found out about 6 weeks prior to the engagement). At present I am unemployed, but I will start a new job in August in a quiet place with a nice colleague with whom I will get along well I think. My new apartment is a dream come true, although I have sore hands and knees from all the boxes.
I have now quite strong boundaries. I think my parents did the best they could, I have made my peace with them. My father is still a P trying to play his con games, but we do not buy into them anymore. I am in a “dispassionate compassion” relationship with them as I can’t go completely NC with either of them. And I do not tolerate any more triangulation. I strictly talk with the person about the relationship between me and that person, not about third parties! Very helpful!
You know father told me these things when I was 6 years old, and I had no use at all for it! It was just bewildering! Now I know: he was trying to warn me from his likes! I got so scared by boys that I saw just evil in ALL of them.
Hopefully your paper is well on its way, and I wish you all a wonderful long weekend too!
Dear Psyche,
I think you sound like you are making a great deal of progress. It seems to me that we start out trying to learn about them, and end up learning about ourselves in our healing path.
There is so much good information here in the articles in the archives, and in the books that are referenced and reviewed here. Not everything will resonate with everyone at the same time, but I think we all come to some point when just about everything here will “click” to one extent or another.
Accepting that we allowed the abuse doesn’t mean we blame ourselves, and being angry at them or even hateful feeling toward them is also “normal”—we wouldn’t be normal if we didn’t feel that way at some point! We’ve had some interesting discussions on forgiving them, but if you aren’t in a forgiving frame of mind today, don’t sweat it! One step, even one inch, at a time is forward motion! Progress.
Learning to set boundaries and take care of ourselves first is somewhat difficult for some of us (most of us?) and there are some days we are better at it than others and we waffle back and forth with our emotions and self esteem, but that too is NORMAL.
Communication here on LF is sometimes difficult, due to raw emotions, English not a first language, different definitions of words—you mentioned “test” in English can have different connotations. When you posted about “testing” people, I think you could also have said and not changed the meaning of your post, and used instead “observing people for these traits.” In other words, looking “for red flags.” Just in the normal course of getting to know someone we can SEE and observe these things if we are looking. I know I myself minimized bad behavior in others way too much. Being “tolerant” is one thing, being a door mat is another! (((hugs))))
Hi Libelle,
Yes, I had that sense that I lived near where you were and/or are. I lived in a Swabian town and learned to love spaetzle there, with Hollunderbluemensaftschorles (forgive my spelling, I’ve forgotten many things), Flammkuchen, Maultaschen, Flaedlesuppe, and salads made of celery root. Maybe that gives some hints to location – just for fun I’m playing food games, forgive me 🙂 Anyway, the Spath Germans I told you about, who have walked away with my research ideas, are, by pure coincidence, based in that same town where I lived (I met the thieving Germans long after I lived there). Anyway, my interactions with them have propelled me into an alternative passion for for Switzerland (yes, CH), and the Alps in general — and so I deal now in Knoepfli (little buttons?), not Spaetzle (little sparrows?) 🙂 My Knoepfli-maker is naturally Swiss made, and it’s a prize possession in my kitchen. Actually, I love just about anything that’s made in Switzerland (it’s the quality materials, ingenious designs, skillful craftsmanship, etc that I love), so that at some point I may change my screen name to Heidi (joking…).
Based on what you’ve mentioned, I suppose we have commonalities in our families. My family is full of Ns and Spaths, and I was ‘primed’ for targeting by that since infancy. My life has been infested with Ns and Spaths for about 4 decades now. Boundaries for me have been a big issue (just figuring out where they should be is a struggle for me, let alone enforcing them). But by now I have saying ‘No’ down to a science, and can spot the ‘games’ a mile away. Still, I have not ‘overcome’ my predators just because I know how they operate, I just block them better than before – when my mind and heart are in agreement about self-esteem issues, the problems, I suspect, will take care of themselves.
I was amazed to see that your father warned you about ‘the likes of him’ when you were still a child. It makes me wonder about many things he could have been thinking/feeling when he did it. I’m also impressed that you can manage interaction with your parents, and I think that will give people here some hope, who want to maintain contact with their N family members.
Your new place sounds great, a well earned haven. I hope you’ll get to enjoy making it just as you like before work starts up in August.
Psyche
Dear Ox,
Yeah, there’s no question in my mind that although these predators are culpable, the learning experiences they’re providing for me are just what I needed, for myself, my own sake.
Fortunately, with the anger issues, I’ve found a way this week to compartmentalize them while I work with a clear heart in those areas that are really important to me. Actually, I like my anger right now, though I’m not really feeling it, if that makes sense. I feel like it’s sitting beside me, waiting patiently for me to process it when the time’s right. I’m somehow in a state where I see my anger as a long-overdue response from a dignified version of myself (as opposed to the mis-placed heaps of shame I was willing to carry in silent submission during childhood, just to keep the peace in my family).
Regarding my favorite topic (the ‘tests’), 🙂 I could say that for me, they did develop or just ‘happened’ as observations and evaluations that I made when situations came up. I saw patterns in N and Spath behaviors, and used them as a means to evaluate what I was dealing with. I like the list, actually, b/c it sums up work I’ve been doing to figure out some key red-flags for the past few years. I see the potential for the list to be used as tests, in case someone’s really in trouble, and needs to know right away if they’ve got an N or an Spath in their life. But not necessarily – it’s a list of patterns I’ve observed, and people may want to watch for them, so that they can evaluate (test . . .) what they’re dealing with. So yeah, I’m happy to let people read and use the information in any way that works for them, if at all. And I’m ready to let that post fly to the wind, and see to my weekend now. A couple of people were kind enough to mention that the list was good for them, and I’m really glad for that — it perks me up to feel I made a contribution for once, instead of just blathering on and on about my issues du jour.
Have a great weekend Ox,
Psyche