How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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One of Lovefraud’s readers is Joshua Noel Tanner, a young man who is a singer-songwriter. He has personal experience with sociopaths, and has written a song called Old Father Incubus based on his experiences. I found the song to be creative, haunting and accurate. Caution: It includes narration that some readers may find to be triggering.

You can buy the song, and listen to the rest of Joshua’s album, on his band website.

Joshua Noel Tanner band

Or, you can listen to it on YouTube.

[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/h4hU0U4v1_Y]

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Truthspeak

    Skylar, spot-on. The “cog/diss” effect is a given in nearly all situations of abuse or sociopath entanglements, I think. To understand cog/diss is like trying to explain what happened before the Big Bang – for me, it was.

    I know that I had to seek the help of a professional counseling therapist – I could not understand what was happening to my thought processes regardless of HOW many times cog/diss was explained to me. Sitting in her counseling room without any distractions, she was able to explain in layman’s terms why I was having these pendulumatic thoughts: “It was the worst thing that anyone could do to another person,” and, “Was it really THAT bad?” and, “He never HIT me or threatened me with violence,” and so on.

    What I was trying to do was wrap my head around the things that the exspath had done in order to fit his actions into my core beliefs. Because I wouldn’t have done those things meant that anyone that I cared about wouldn’t have done them, either. Anyone that I cared about couldn’t possibly be “bad” people with a personal agenda, could they?

    Liz, I completely understand the conflict. What we want to believe and what IS are a universe apart. Seeking out a good, strong counselor would probably be a very, very wise choice. A strong counselor can assist people who are ready to rebuild their boundaries, uncover the reasons that they allowed themselves to be drawn in, and help them to develop a reasonable system of defenses to prevent future victimization.

    When our plumbing goes bad, we call a plumber. When our vehicle blows a gasket, we take it to a mechanic. When we have an infection, we see a physician. When we have emotional damage, we seek out a counseling therapist that “gets it.” The way to find a counselor that “gets it” is to contact your local domestic violence hotline and ASK for a list of counselors, nearby. Most of these counselors work pro bono. Ask for a counselor who has experience in abuse, PSTD, and the rest of the baggage that goes along with sociopathy.

    JUST because this person is a neighbor does NOT mean that she isn’t resorting to abuse and could be considered dangerous! If relocating is out of the question, then speaking to a counselor will definitely help you to set forth a system of defenses.

    Brightest blessings to you

  2. Louise

    I have to say that I think cog/diss is one of the worst emotions (or whatever you want to call it) I have ever experienced. I think it has almost killed me.

  3. Truthspeak

    Louise, the cog/diss is an incessant LOOP that just keeps going around, and around, and around, ad infinitum unless I “do something” to interrupt that torturous loop. VERY destructive and very difficult to interrupt.

    Hugs

  6. sons.of.sociopaths

    I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who listened to my song. Back in November when I first released my album, I was really hesitant as to whether or not I should include this song because of the obvious ramifications. I knew it was only a matter of time that he heard it. But I decided that I couldn’t sacrifice truth for anything, and I needed other people–family, friends, strangers–to hear about this oppressive force that has caused and is still causing so much damage in my family.

    My mother begged me to pull it down, telling me that I was disrespectful son and that I was “hurting” my father. She is a very good woman with a very good heart, but she is almost 50 and has been under his control since she was 17. At this point in the brainwashing process, she cannot think for herself. It’s like an extreme form of Stockholm Syndrome or something. I wish I could save her, and I’ve tried everything in my power to get her to see the light, but nothing works–not even this song that comes from the deepest places of pain and hurt in my life.

    I am the oldest of 8 siblings, all of which have been screwed up in some way, shape, or form by the individual I reference in the song. I could go on and on about the damage, but everyone reading this blog is probably familiar with the universal nature of sociopathic damage. I’m 26, and I don’t live in the same home as the sociopath anymore, the situation never leaves me, and it’s like i’m still there in my mind. If I could save my siblings and potentially my mother, maybe I could move past it. Some people tell me that there’s a reason for everything, but if that’s true I guess I won’t know what that is until the next life. All I see is sociopaths warping, twisting, misshaping, and distorting otherwise bright souls. I’ve seen it in the lives of my siblings, my mother, and myself. And I don’t understand why these monsters exist in this universe. It’s the question that has caused me to question everything, including my own faith.

    All I want is peace, but I don’t think I will have it until my family is free. If I could press a button, I would delete every sociopath in this world and save everybody else too.

    Again, thanks for listening.
    Joshua Noel Tanner

  7. Back_from_the_edge

    Joshua: Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. I am so sorry you find this pain and journey before you but know you are not alone. I came from a family just like what you speak of. An extremely dysfunctional environment so I understand a lot of the nuances and things you are referring to.

    You are not being disrespectful by speaking your heart and your sadness and turmoils. If that alienates your father from you, I am sorry for that, but you are entitled to your freedom of expression concerning the ugly parts of life. It’s that freedom of expression that allows us the ability and inspiration to move forward.

    You know who you are and your value and worth as a person. You are so young and vibrant and strong. I just know you would be a friend that I would be absolutely PROUD knowing. You remember that. You have gifts and talents and just need to stay on the path to yourself and stand up for who you are and you will be just fine. Don’t ever let that go…

    I appreciate your feeling concern over leaving your family behind. (((big hugs))) Sometimes all we can do is ‘accept’ and move on lest we sacrifice ourselves and I don’t think that is required of us.

    If I could press a button, I would make all of your confusion and sorrow just disappear and replace it with joy and sunshine.

    Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
    It’s amazing, just like you are.

    Love ~ Dupey xxoo

  8. ElizabethBennett

    I am irreversibly f***ed up in my opinion. I am so fed up with continuing to put myself in these situations with Narcissists. I am at the point where all I want to do is curl up with my dog and sleep. I don’t want to eat or smoke or do anything. I am totally emotionally and psychologically beat down. I have no self worth for myself and I guess that’s why I keep allowing myself to be psychologically abused by these people over and over again. I feel like I am in a downward spiral and don’t know how to pull myself out. Everything is too much for me. I have nothing left to give. I used to want to help everyone all the time and now I just don’t care anymore.

    I started up smoking again when the shit hit the fan and the N uses that as a barometer for how much she is upsetting me. Moving is not an option for me right now. I have to work tonite and I just don’t want to go. It’s hard being in a job when you have to have compassion and I am so tired of faking it. I am just sick and tired of everything but my animals right now.

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