So, what happens when you suddenly discover that the person who has been sharing your life is actually a stranger? Worse than that, they turn out to be a person who has deliberately deceived and manipulated you with surgeon-like precision. Wrapping you in a web of deceit — delivered so skillfully and carefully that you’ve welcomed the silken threads as they tighten around you. Freely allowing yourself to be wrapped in the cocoon being made by your soul mate. It’s only once you have morphed in to an emotional mush of confusion and fear that you realize you are trapped. And by then, of course, it’s too late — and your mate is off to the next willing victim.
I know, of course, that so many of you will identify with this experience. After only one week as part of the Lovefraud team, I have been amazed by the responses I have been receiving. I can feel the support that resonates among the community here, and I am delighted to be a part of it. I am not happy, of course, that so many of us are joined together here because we have suffered at the hands of another — but I know that together we can heal… no, I know that we are healing. After all, we’re here aren’t we?
If you’re anything like me, you won’t have come in to contact with the terminology ”˜sociopath’ until it happened to you. For my part, I had never even heard the word. It created an earth-shattering jolt in my consciousness when a dear friend of mine shared her opinion that the man I had called my soul mate was in fact a sociopath.
So for my second post I thought I’d share what happened to me when the truth suddenly dawned on me, because that moment marked the beginning of my healing.
It was nearing midnight on Thursday 9th July 2009. It was a typically warm summer’s night that found me in my bed at home in France, distractedly checking through my emails on the iPhone for the umpteenth time. Anything to try and quieten my mind and bring me back to normality. I was mentally and physically exhausted but my tortured mind and aching soul refused to let me sleep. No matter how much I tried to rationalize the past ten weeks, or how much I attempted to make sense of the situation, I simply couldn’t find any answers. Peace seemed a very distant memory as I continued to search for clues. What had happened? Where had I gone so wrong? What had prompted my beloved husband of 10 years to lie to me for so long? Why did he need to create so many other lives? What had I done to make him stop loving me? How had I missed the signs? What could I have done differently? The questions circled, round and round my head like the mythological embittered Harpies — snatching at my rising fears, cackling at my confusion, their cruel wings fanning the flames of despair that threatened to engulf my soul.
I am a motivational coach and leadership trainer, known for my ability to quickly get to the heart of the issue. I am employed for my skills in reading and understanding people, so how had I been so blind to my husband? We were a team, we worked together, lived together, loved together and had spent nearly every day and night in each other’s company since the day we met — and I loved him totally; heart, body and soul. Only the year before we had celebrated our ten-year anniversary together, and just a few weeks before Christmas we’d spent his 40th birthday together on the beaches of a beautiful Caribbean health spa. Our life together, as I thought, was perfect!
And yet now, here I was, alone with my son in the beautiful French farmhouse we had lovingly restored over the past 6 years, betrayed and deserted by the person I truly believed was my soul mate, left alone to deal with the enormity of the emotional and financial wreckage caused by my husband’s double life. It had all happened so suddenly — the chance email just three months earlier that led me on a trail of discovery to uncover the horrifying truth that I was married to a stranger. Cold, hard, black and white proof that my idyllic life was in fact a total sham — and the equally cold hard fact that my husband had simply vanished out of our lives the second he knew he’d been rumbled, leaving my son and I to deal with the fall-out. Disappeared without a trace just as quickly as he’d arrived in our lives more than ten years earlier.
Around and around the questions turned in my head. The Harpies I had named “Who” “What” “Where” “When” and “How” mocking my stupidity, berating my gullibility, and piercing ever more deeply in to my already broken heart.
And then I saw it. It was an email out of the blue from an old friend Mandy, which naturally pricked my interest. It was a kind and thoughtful message of support, the contents of which seemed harmless — the very same email that had me shaking to the core just a short while later as I explored the following words:
“”¦Interestingly, you may or may not know that I am doing my masters degree in forensic psychology at the moment, and recently have done loads of work on sociopaths. Lets put it this way – he shows all the signs – in retrospect of course! So in fairness, he was highly skilled at fooling everyone. In fact, not just skilled – it was natural to him. Therefore, who would have known? He has no conscience. And before long, he will find another place for himself, and will never feel any remorse, because he doesn’t know how to”¦”
Sociopath was a term I had not come across before and so, after a quick scan for more information on the internet, I discovered that a sociopath is also known as a psychopath. My brows furrowed as disbelief and comprehension entered my head at the same time. So I asked the question out loud to see if it made a difference: “You mean to tell me that my husband is actually a PSYCHOPATH?” Chills ran through my body, my mouth went dry, and the Harpies were suddenly very still and very quiet.
Random images of famous psychopaths came flooding in to my head — Norman Bates from Psycho, Peter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper, America’s Ted Bundy and Heath Ledger as The Joker — the absurdity of the idea prompting nervous laughter to erupt from deep within me. And then silence again as I truly began to consider the enormity of this new information. The room was still. My mind was quiet. My heart started thumping loudly in my chest. Holding the iPhone in my left hand, and hugging myself with my right arm, I read yet another ”˜checklist’ for sociopathy and realized with absolute clarity that my ex’s behaviours actually ticked each and every one of the boxes — to a tee. I shuddered, forcing myself to breathe, and blinking wildly, hoping that I had somehow misinterpreted the information.
And that was the precise moment when the archetypal psychopath, Dr Hannibal Lecter made his sudden and unwelcome appearance in my mind — crystal clear and standing just a few feet away from me in the corner of my bedroom. Sucking air through his teeth and smacking his lips, he held me hypnotized with his ice-cold beguiling stare, clearly enjoying my confusion as I quietly considered the overwhelming evidence that my estranged husband, the man I had loved with all my heart and soul, was in fact a text-book psychopath.
“But surely I’d know if I was in the company of someone like that?” I reasoned to myself, the dank smell of Hannibal’s cell now beginning to permeate my senses, his chains rattling my imagination. “I’m an executive business coach! I’ve been working in the field of personal development for over 13 years! I’m wise to the ways of different personalities and what makes people tick!” I tried to rationalise, becoming more aware that my bewilderment was arousing the curiosity of my uninvited guest.
I was hooked. And as I read further, uncovering facts, examples of typical traits, and stories from other victims of a sociopathic relationship, I was gradually coming to the horrifying comprehension that my friend’s prognosis was correct. In equal measures of horror and relief, I also began to understand that I was not alone. That there were literally thousands of women with stories just like mine — many of which I found on this very site. Intelligent, professional, and successful women who had willingly succumbed, fallen in love, followed their dreams and been thwarted by the malevolent charms of the skilled and charismatic sociopath.
As we all now know, these people are predominantly men. Charming, witty and attentive — the life and soul of the party. Men who can sweep you off your feet, make you believe that you are the most precious person in the world. Men who let you dare to dream that all your dreams have come true and convince you that you’ve found your true soul mate. Men who make you feel that anything is possible, and encourage you to live life to the full. Men who slowly and deliberately bleed you dry, suck out your soul and leave you for dead, without even a backwards glance — but by the time you realize this, of course, it’s too late. Much too late.
Suddenly I began to see things from a different angle. Suddenly things started to make sense. Dr Lecter faded safely back in to the darkness of my imagination, as I began to replace his image with strangely comforting feelings of relief. Because it was finally dawning on me that the experience I was living, my own personal living nightmare, was not something I could have foretold. So I was not to blame for what had happened — there was nothing more I could have done. In fact, I’d had a lucky escape.
This marked the beginning of my journey towards understanding what had happened to me. How I’d found myself in such a horrific and unimaginable mess. After three long months, April’s hurricane of discovery that had all but broken me in its relentless force to destroy all that I had believed in, gradually started to loosen its grip in light of this new information.
At the same time I also realized, with frightening clarity, that in order to truly comprehend what had happened, to come to terms with how I had come to find myself in such a horrendous situation, I was going to have to embark on a journey of self-discovery. I would need to find out more about what had happened to other people. Understand the true meaning behind the word sociopath, or psychopath. Recognise the traits within myself that allowed me to be the perfect target — dig deeply in to my own psyche and explore my own choices in life. Examine how I’d got here, what I’d believed about myself and others and my own deeply held personal values. And, most importantly, to find my strength and finally to heal.
My years of experience in personal development told me it was not going to be an easy journey. Some of the deeply buried feelings and experiences of my past would need to be re-examined. I would need to dredge through parts of my life I thought I’d already dealt with. Old scars I thought I’d healed would need to be re-opened and treated anew. It would be painful. It would mean re-visiting old chapters of my life. Re-living the hurts of the past in order to truly understand what was going on.
And I would also need to venture in to the depths of this murky world that I was just beginning to discover. I would likely need to stand in the shoes of these soulless people I now knew existed for real, and who live and work among us. Because unless I could comprehend the workings of a sociopath, I would neither be able to heal nor protect myself in the future.
I was alerted to the sounds of Dr Lecter once again shuffling around in the back of my mind, his interest clearly intensified by my growing fear at what lay ahead. And I heard a barely perceptible laugh — or was it a cackle — coming from the darkest corners of my imagination. The unpalatable solution hit me like a steam train, and I understood at that moment that he would need to become an ally in my journey; for who better than the archetypal sociopath, Dr Hannibal Lecter himself to help me understand the twisted workings in the mind of a psychopath?
“If I help you, Melanie, it will be “turns” with us too. Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things. About yourself. Quid pro quo. Yes or no?”
His perfect and calculated logic slithered towards me, the words and the consequences of what I was about to do sending shivers through my body. I would need to let Hannibal Lecter inside my head if ever I was going to become free. It was the only way to regain my sanity and claim my life back. And, surely, this couldn’t be any worse than the real life experiences I had already survived?
So I nodded my silent agreement and the deal was done. I would allow the specter of Hannibal to steer me as I unravel the past and make sense of my pain. A smug sneer crept across Dr Lecter’s face, as he pulled himself upright and acknowledged my consent “Brave Melanie. You will tell me when those lambs stop screaming, won’t you?”
So this was the beginning of my recovery. I started preparing for my own personal voyage of soul-searching, education, self-questioning and personal discoveries right through to the eventual victory I knew was waiting for me. I’d have to return to the innocence I once knew, and in returning there I knew I’d have to face some ugly and painful memories. I’d have to rearrange them to make sense of what had happened, and to ensure that I would never again be taken in by anyone whose sole intention was to hurt me.
Hannibal fixed me with his steely stare, the rest of his face shrouded in shadows as he slowly wound his fingers around the bars in his cell.
“Clearly this new assignment is not your choice” he hissed “rather I suppose it is a part of the bargain but you accepted it Melanie. Your job is ultimately to craft my doom. So I am not sure how well I should wish you but I’m sure we’ll have a lot of fun. So let’s start at the beginning — tell me everything you know”
With that his image once again faded away, and I felt that I had just made a deal with the devil. But at the same time, I knew that my journey to freedom had begun.
When I was young, my mother used to tell me about the men who were phonies, who she met in her 20’s, before marrying my father. Of course, she was beautiful, so men flew to her like bees to honey. Those who she thought were deadbeats (who were ACTUALLY deadbeats), she said to them, “You cannot afford me”..okay..so my mother may have been somewhat of a narcissist, but at least she had her priorities straight.
What I learned from her? Well, if a guy wants YOU to pay HALF of his house bills…tell him to FORGET IT.., tell him that, as a single woman, open to courtship, with many potential COURTIERS with EXCELLENT careers, with excellent morals, etc., you NEED NOT COMPROMISE to the point of DIMINISHING yourself. Tell him, especially if he thought he was the “top stud”, that, with protection, if you wanted to, you could have AS MANY LOVERS as you wanted, when a single woman..and, could, if you so chose, have a different lover every week! Tell him, if he wants a woman to support him financially, then he is no more than a PIMP!
Zim
To me..and this has always been my philosophy or mind set.., is that what makes a man a “man” (not a boy) is when he can PROVIDE for not only himself, but for someone other than himself, UNSELFISHLY, be that his partner, or his partner and children. To me, if a guy can’t do that, HE IS NOT A MAN. PERIOD!
..and don’t buy into the “contract” (what many predators came to do, since the feminist movement) of “I will be your stay-at-home husband, nurturing your children..saving you from child care costs, while YOU are the main bread winner or full time worker” .. Just look for the statistics, ladies, on how many of these sick weaklings have molested children in their care, when they lived off the salaries of their women!
Zim
My ex (SPATH) wanted to reverse male/female roles with me, but I did not see that clearly, when involved with him..not until his FIRST wife told me he wanted THE SAME from her. She told me, among other things, that he wanted her to wear a STRAP-ON, to do him in the rear end, and that he wanted her to wear male’s underwear and him to wear female’s underwear. DEFINITELY..I don’t doubt it, now..he had a CONFUSED SEXUAL/GENDER IDENTITY.., and wanted his women to have same! I never complied to his sick sexual fantasies, but he WANTED me to. If I “allowed” seeing what his porn video choices were, it was only so I could see how far he would go. But he, and only he, purchased/rented them, not me. He had “porn creep” .. I know that many of you probably had similar experiences. These things are the MIND PHUCKS that the SPATHS do to us, and leave us feeling that, if murder were legal, we would KILL them, or render them blind or disabled, because of their sick deceit.
Zim
To me, it is very “cut and clear” .. if a man wants regular sex, he has only a few choices:
1) seek other women out to exploit them sexually, while pretending to “love” them, or marry them or live with them, under the same pretentions;
2) buy prostitutes to get his rocks off [he will never learn intimacy..have you ever noticed those life-long couples, who regularly attend dances, who dance better than the other couples, who move with what seems EFFORTLESS GRACE? It took them YEARS to develop true intimacy, and their obvious compatibility..usually envied by others, who admire their “grace” on the dance floor..took YEARS and devotion to each other, to get to that point!];
3) Marry her and actually COMMIT to her, because he is CAPABLE of feeling commitment, thereby allowing the “sex act” to actually MEAN something, allowing the woman to FEEL that, because SHE chose HIM [notice, ladies.., in NATURE, it is the FEMALE DOG who sits on her own tail, and SHE who DECIDES which male with whom she will mate..NOT the MALE dog who chooses..HE HAS NO DOMINION! It is the FEMALE dog who DECIDES..SHE makes the choice, to breed or not to breed. Also IN NATURE, have you noticed that most bird varieties BREED FOR LIFE? At least, those birds in the “hierarchy” of bird pyramids, like falcons and hawks, BREED FOR LIFE. If birds, .. even the “lesser species” .. “tweety birds”.. several levels lower in the “hierarchy of birds” .. under the falcons and hawks.., “lesser breeds” of male birds with “bird brains” can commit, who “go to work” .. “feathering” their nests.. preparing for their female mates..fluffling their hackles so that their females might notice they could be the “better homemaker/husband—why cannot many male humans do the same?] meant that “the only man with whom I would engage in sexual/sensual intimacy is a man who I believe could be, or is capable of being..my husband..” .. THAT woman is acting on NATURAL instinct, behavior!
My experience comes from my relationship with a “naturalist” in my twenties..someone who loved ornithology.
Unfortunately, it is the first two categories of men who create havoc and hell in the world, for the rest of us who are HONEST.
I have not watched enough National Geographic TV series, about lions, but it seems to me that one male lion stays with one female lion, to protect his lair/brood, excluding others/outsiders.
Meanwhile, typically, I read on the intranet, profiles about abusive/cheating men who abandon multiple women and destroy their lives, and read that many of them “front” as the “macho” types..even using the “lion” as their alter ego symbol. Well…lions, in nature, do not desert the females who produce young for them. They go out..find food..are TRUE HUNTERS/GATHERERS/PROVIDERS..for their mates and offspring.
So…does this mean that the HUMAN species is LESS than the lion/animal species, when certain SPATHIC males repeat/serially abuse HUMAN FEMALES, with the TRUE INTENTION of destroying those human females’ lives? If so, that is PROOF that those sociopaths are LESS than animals!
zimzoomit:
Soooo true about the female dog and cat, too…I think. Not sure. Love it!!
zimzoomit,
about lions….the male is truly devoted to his harem of females which provide offspring for him, do all the hunting and do all the general housekeeping. But the lion has to defend the entire pride from other males, who would like to kill him and his offspring and take off with the females.
So, the each do their part. But I’ve never heard of a single lion of either sex, who mates with another lion and then turns out to be a hyena in disguise.
The only creature in the wild that really, really compares to the spath is the black widow spider. The female mates with the smaller male and then if he isn’t quick about getting away, she eats him. But even then, it was the males “choice” to mate her. He knew what she was from the get go. There was no false front.
Yes, ladies..think about it..when SPATHS have LESS THAN BIRD BRAINS.. LESS brainpower determining the “monogamous path” than even the “lower” “tweety birds”.. most of whom mate for life, and above them, the PREDATORY BIRDS..like hawks and falcons, DO mate for life, and those BIRDS OF PREY are supposed to be the UPPER ESCHELON, on the hierarchy of the bird world!
Not trying to boast or anything, but my first love (a narcissist, but not a spath..he was a spoiled trust fund baby who tried to impress women with his knowledge about nature) took me on many walks and bird breeding ventures, so I learned much from him..he explained how peregrine falcons, while mating, merely “butted butts”, when the female bird held still for less than a second, in the air, while the male dropped down, at more than 150 mph, from the air, above her, to turn upside down, and bump genitals with her, impregnating her, in the air! Yet, this species is able to remain MONOGAMOUS, so that, each year, they either return to the same nest, to breed again, or they find another spot to breed, but always with the SAME partner!
That is something to think about.
Zim
skylar,
Re your comment, “about lions”.the male is truly devoted to his harem of females which provide offspring for him, do all the hunting and do all the general housekeeping. But the lion has to defend the entire pride from other males, who would like to kill him and his offspring and take off with the females”
Now that I think about it, yes, you are probably right about that. Still, even if the male has more than one female or more than one “pride” or “litter”, he defends them to the end. I compare that lion to the Arabian prince, who had a harem. In those times, if the prince COULD NOT AFFORD to take care of ALL of his woman, he would not be honored in his culture! And males who could not even support a woman or be the “stud-lover” to her, were, in those times, relegated as “eunuchs” (i.e., the homosexuals in that culture)
Nowadays, everything is so confused, so that males with confused sexual identities, by the thousands, are USING/SEXING females/males, while USING females for their income (much like pimps do)..that is why we call them MEN ON THE DOWN LOW! Women must work together to expose these frauds, so they cannot succeed in destroying the lives of more women.