Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call Olivia19, shared her personal reflections, in a stream-of-consciousness style, on her experience with a disordered husband. We’ll publish sections of her journaling over several installments.
When Evil says “I do”
Whether it be Sean, John, Gord, Thomas, Linda or Sue, evil takes on many names. Many faces. They live their lives with lies, half truths, twisting of words and circumstances, manipulation, financial chaos, deceit or out and out lack of kindness and respect. They abuse. They often have lived a second life for years.
Suddenly you find yourself living the “common” story. Your marriage is plagued with those hurdles and roadblocks that society now shrugs its shoulders at. Character ceases to matter, is outright excused. Integrity does not exist.
There is a list of off the cuff excuses and justifications … “It’s just a midlife crisis. People need to ‘be happy.’ Whatever makes them happy! That’s life! People change. Move on. Well … Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. You’re better off without him …”
Society has been conditioned to perceive deceit, dishonesty and divorce as commonplace, therefore dismissed. What those clichés don’t acknowledge is that they are often at the expense and pain of another, and others, far beyond the end of a marriage. Far beyond one individual’s choice. There is a predator in the marriage and in this divorce that destroys silently. He has been hiding in plain sight. Taking and destroying at his pleasure.
They choose to live selfishly
They live their life poorly, dishonest and hurting or harming others because of their unhappiness. Or does the chaos and the way they live substantiate and create the unhappiness? After all, this behaviour has been throughout the marriage. They make the choice to live selfishly and hurt others, while going to great lengths to hide it? Because they are deserving?
It could not be flaws in their character. It has to be flaws in their spouse or marriage that perpetuates the unhappiness that has caused them to make the choices they have. After all, happiness is one’s right and is manipulative. Respect, love and maturity do not contribute to a happy environment and it wouldn’t create reciprocation either (sarcasm).
These things are not their answer. Nor is ending the marriage respectfully and without chaos, definitely not before they take all they can or want.
Effects on the family
BETRAYAL! LIES! ABUSE! These are their answers. Who is left with the aftermath of another’s choice? Their families, children. The partner/ spouse. The children are expected to accept and make better of a situation they did not and would not choose. An expectation that their own parent could not do in the marriage and relationship they themselves did choose. No respect for the marriage nor their partner/spouse or children. For that matter, not even themselves.
This is a concept they may never comprehend; respect escapes them. How ironic: The children need to show maturity, unselfishness, acceptance, forgiveness and responsibility far beyond the betraying parent’s abilities or comprehension to be or show any of these.
In society, choices made for the betterment of others should far exceed the benefits of choices made for the satisfaction of oneself. Thus a society. Not for these flawed characters! And the shift in societal values supports, “for the betterment of ‘I.'”
The other woman benefits
The new couple has begun with deceit, justifying it anyway they need to. After all, they alone are deserving of happiness, of love, of money! Their now existing lives are nothing like the reality of intact families. Manipulating money, schedules, timetables, ex spouses and children to live a life outside of an intact family. At the same time pretending it to be.
The gains are about self-gratification and rewards. The price… the shortsighted ways come with a price that is yet to be seen by them and will be paid by others. Perhaps they will miss it altogether, never knowing the respect, once important, they have lost, and are too self absorbed to see or care.
The future for all is a juggling game, orchestrated by them. She, the new woman, is now deserving of finances that belong to another. Colluding and restricting the proper division of finances seems to be her right. Deserving. While proper division of property is obstructed.
Now he claims to be happy
The newfound happiness is professed as if the ex spouse was the reason it was lacking. Really! Your spouse most surely DID want you to be happy!
Try living as you are now in the relationship you discarded. Chances are you would have the same results — a better relationship, even “happiness.”
Or better yet, treat the girlfriend as you did your wife. Lie, steal, choke her, hit her, criticize and abuse her. Cheat on her for years and with multiple people. See if the results are any different.
Does she know all the past infidelities? She knows she is one, but she’s different, right? Is she aware of your abuse, lies, dissipation of money, half truths, chaos, bad incidents that you created or did?
The ex-wife supposedly deserves to be treated poorly
Or does she believe the wife is crazy, a bitch, deserved it or is the one who lived that way. The ex-wife deserved to be treated poorly because she was such a disappointment as a wife, never living up to expectations the current woman appears to fulfill.
The other woman now is deserving of what belongs to another. Equal division is for others in divorce. The new couple are the deserving ones. Whatever they can get away with is ok, justified.
In family court nothing is illegal or a crime, as it would be in any other court or circumstance. Their financial manipulation seems to work.
More other women
So what has happened to the other three-plus-year affair that was still occurring along with this new one? While the third woman’s usefulness and viability is assessed, how many women were being juggled at once? The wife, the long term affair and this third woman from his past. Is that three-year affair still ongoing, or was she less adequate or more complicated? Was she discarded as well in an instant along with the wife? His behaviours and choices involving several women all made, or were done, because of the inadequate wife.
All the “love you” in chat room interactions, exposed by the second woman’s husband, show words of love to this woman. The love expressed to the woman was also replaced in an instant by the third, and now current, “committed” live-in relationship.
The words had as little meaning as those words said to me, his wife. His affairs having nothing to do with his character, only a response to all bad in me. His escape from hell.
The new soul mate
Love and happiness are now found with the choice of the third. His new soul mate. His committed life with her quickly evolved, after all, she is the chosen one, the long lost hidden girlfriend from twenty plus years earlier. They had a “thing,” while dating me, that was never known to me all those years ago. He made the wrong choice back then; he married me.
I can only assume he didn’t know then she was the better choice. His soul mate. Were they also on again, off again during our marriage? The poor man had stuck himself with me, he deserved so much more!
Her money and our money
So now: Money pays for the maid and other mundane chores. Being any kind of a mother — not required. Her selfishness is necessary to be who she needs to be for them as a couple. Her usefulness and his gain remain high.
What is her use? The happiness and success of their new life together speaks of the man he really is. Her money, combined with all of ours, is allowing a better lifestyle, less complication, a clean start and all that they deserve.
The family facade shows his completeness as well. The deceit is masked and she knows nothing of the history, except what she has been manipulated to know and chooses to see. God knows the wife was unbearable — just ask the family or others who were coached and manipulated to fit his lies. Even their bad experiences with him are justified by blame on her.
The deceit and financial manipulation encouraged and justified, as they are only deserving. Collusion and stealing while hiding abuse and money is okay, as they work together, for they are the smart, privileged ones to hide and use all they can. Really!
Harm to the kids
The facade of generosity to the kids disguises the financial loss the children actually have. Financial loss to their mother is also loss to them in many ways, more insidious ways. It hinders healing, earning capacity, her ability to give them their basic needs and wants, for starters. His generosity will supply all their wants. Their mother now shelved.
It just wasn’t meant to be, they weren’t a good fit, people change …
There is no accountability, no responsibility just excuses to substantiate the lies. Is the new seemingly perfect reality also a lie?
The old life is discarded
Their happiness is really a measure of acquiring things, time and a perception of wealth or gain in their new life.
Notice the old life is discarded to avoid any crossover. No communication of any sort. She is discarded and as little as possible will be given up to her. Marginalized to nothing.
You are told, “You just can’t see it, we will both be happier in the end.” Again, choices made for you. How would he know? He has spent his life in his own deceit. Again only their thoughts, feelings and actions are right. Only his words matter. Happiness is within, a feeling not produced by others yet the perception is not that. The actions have changed along with the person, thus happiness … the “dirt,” his dirt, all left behind.
To him, the marriage was useful
Marriage had no meaning, just a use. There was no way to sustain a marriage, love or happiness in a world of lies and “self.”
The spouse just didn’t know the extent of them and believed in hope. The false hope given to her by him. The “I love you, I made a mistake, I want our marriage …”
Seriously, she is not pining for this Prince Charming. But she is dealing with the aftermath and continuance of his abuse and disrespect of her and their children. Fighting for her emotional and financial future.
My life is a movie
I was told by others “Don’t go looking for anything you don’t want to find.” I did. I had no choice. The abuse was increasing physically, financially, psychologically and emotionally. I needed to look for answers to the chaos and crazy making. Asking him only gave answers which pointed out my flaws or were vague, manipulating and distracting responses.
I found out … life can be what those sick and deceitful movies are, except the moviegoers cheer on and wait in anticipation… In movies, good prevails! I used to think … Who comes up with this stuff, how? Now I think … Is this really my life?
You bet it is. And there is no way you could ever make this up if you tried. Good is not likely to prevail. The strength of the audience/society is nonexistent.