Many women have written to Lovefraud about husbands who they’ve come to believe are sociopaths. They were astounded to discover that, not only was the husband cheating, but he was having sex with men.
Lovefraud reader eyeswideshut writes about this in a recent comment to the post, After he’s gone: looking at the sociopath through open eyes. She asks:
Now that I know he is also gay, is sociopathic tendency in married gay men not common as well? When I read the stories of the women in the book (“Straight Wives”), many of the men sound like sociopaths as well. Have you studied this phenomenon? Is it possible that gay men who choose to live the lie of married life are likely also socios?
To this, another Lovefraud reader, Leslie, commented:
On the third extended date I had with the SP, I turned to him one night, after we’d been together, and said, “Have you been with men?” Something in the way he’d made love made me think he had. He stared at the window and said in a monotone, “I have never made love to a man.” It was the same monotone he used to deny that he was living with a woman when I asked him that a year later. He was. I don’t have hard proof, but I know the guy had had sex with men.
Then alohatraveler commented:
I have heard from another victim of my sociopath that he was starting to get more “experimental” when she knew him. She knew him after me. He was expressing an interest in having sex with a man, but of course, with a woman present, because he was “not gay.” We both also saw an ad that he posted looking for sex with a transsexual. Then he placed an ad where he wanted a traditional type of woman.
“Not a gay bone in my body”
Shortly after I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he proclaimed to me, “There’s not a gay bone in my body.” I had no reason to doubt him. But when I left him after two-and-a-half years, I learned a lot about his sexual activities:
- He had sex with at least six other women during our relationship.
- He was heavily into Internet porn.
- He solicited gay male prostitutes.
- He tried to arrange threesomes and looked for swinging couples.
In short, he wanted sexual thrills. The more different kinds of thrills, the better. I’m lucky I didn’t get a serious disease.
Screw anyone
Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.
Dr. Liane Leedom writes that sociopaths only want two things. One of them is power. The other is sex.
So when it comes to sexual orientation, I believe sociopaths are neither straight nor gay. In short, they’ll screw anyone.
Lovefraud has heard from gay individuals—men and women—who were involved in gay relationships with sociopaths. I asked several of them if they thought the sociopath was actually gay. They all agreed with my theory and said the sociopath was not gay.
Sex with an agenda
This does not mean, however, that sociopaths are out of control. On the contrary, to them, sex, and sexual orientation, is just something to be used in order to achieve their objective, whatever that is.
Perhaps the most egregious example of this is the case of James McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey. McGreevey, you may recall, resigned from office after proclaiming in a news conference that he was a “gay American.”
The truth was that his political career was imploding under a series of scandals. As I wrote in a review of the book written by McGreevey’s wife, I believe the former governor played the gay card because it was the best way to spin his political collapse.
Sociopaths use people for sex, and use sex to get what they want. Anybody who suits their agenda will do.
If it suits their agenda to be married with children, then that’s what they’ll do. But if sociopaths indulge in same-sex relationships, in my opinion, it’s because they’re sociopaths, not gay.
hedidn’t breakme: I don’t know if you are new (i have only been here a while), but i read through your whole post and felt not one ounce of judgment or disgust about YOU.
lots of us have been through similar. please keep reading and posting.
and in case you ARe new – welcome. it will be okay.
all best,
one step
my spath was a woman pretending to be a slight young bi submissive on a fetish website (boy #1); and a young gay man (who slept with boy number #1 str8 female friend) in love with boy #1); a histironic boy wanting boy #2; the incetuous sister of boy #1 who had sex with him from 8 or so, till 22; blah blah blah…it went ON AND ON AND on………………………
ummm…. sex… I had little to no sexual attraction to mine.. which was strange because I thought that he was handsome, physically fit and etc..
but his kiss was like a lizard, his touch like a claw and the skin on his hands flelt rough… I asked that he put cream on his hands.. and he did at times.. but he didn’t like the feel of lotion on his hands..
The deal is.. actually, we only had sex twice in a year.. it was the strangest relationship that I have ever had.. he spent the first three weeks trying to get me into bed.. then on NYE when we’d had champagne and I felt beautiful, ready and wearing a great looking nightgown.. we fooled around but he didn’t go for it.. I felt frustrated and confused and the next morning I told him that I didn’t want a relationship without sex…He said that it was just the night or whatever so … I let it go.. but then I wasn’t interested… something felt off.. then his mother got ill and on and on.. we would snuggle and hold hands.. but I really didn’t like that all that much.. he would attempt and I would pull away.. I began to think that something was broken with me.. yet I had had a three month hot and heavy interlude with an old friend previoulsy to meeting this man and nothing was broken..
I just wasn’t sexually attracted to him… although I found him hansome and he did have some effeminate traits.. not much but a tad.. and he had told me that one of his wife’s really liked anal sex.. the one that molested her children.. all that info turned me OFF… then another time he tried and he told me that he felt one of my old boyfriends inthe room..and asked if I was thinking about him..
we did have sex two times and it was okay.. not hot.. not really anything.. just okay….
so I always wondered..
a girl friend told me that it was my body rejecting him.. because I knew … felt that something was really off…
And it was so off… we were engaged.. he told me constantly how beautiful that Iam .. that he loves my body.. and it was all nothing..
a couple of nights when I showed and interest.. he literally had a frightened look on his face…
so what was all this about ?????????
any ideas….???
also, he walked around nude alot.. and was well-endowed.. and when he would brush his teeth etc.. he would put one leg up on the counter while nude..
I have nothing against nudity.. but he was like an exhibitionist..
then later he told me that the reason that he didn’t make love to me that first NYE was because I was drunk.. I wasn’t drunk it was NYE and we had champage..
Now, there were other times that he tried to have sex, like in the morning and I wasn’t in the mood..
it as all just strange.. very strange.. what was it about?
Style:
It seems like he kept you on the ’emotional’ hook, and was manipulating in the bedroom….
Telling stories of other women (wifes) likes and dislikes…..
etc….WTF????
Another way of allowing US to take responsibility for their issues…..(you thinking you were broken)….
I did the same thing….
I would ask the S ‘what’ it was he wanted….’how’ he wanted me yada yada trying to figure out what the hell it was I WAS doing WRONG.(It had to be ME)….his only answer was….I just want to make love to you…..Oh, sure this sounds reasonable,…..but he NEVER showed ANY emotion….never gave me any indication he wasn’t counting sheep when we ‘made love’…..or thinking about the dog poop on the deck or the rotting fruit in the fruit bowl. Or the MAN he was doing…….
Helloooooo ERIN!
I think mentioning the anal sex thing may have been very telling….(I don’t know)….sex twice in a year is NOT a healthy sex life…..more of a ….Okay…..gotta keep the front up and give it to her! Gotta keep her ‘engaged’ with me…..and he knew full well…..2 times in a year was NOT going to keep you around for a lifetime….yet he still proposed?
Sounds like you may have been his front (like I was)…..to keep up the hetro front????
I’m not a sexpert…..and I’m not into anal sex……(not judging those who are)…..but I think…..If I have ‘other’ parts….use them! And him sharing his wives intersts is just wierd….and maybe his way of hoping you’ll play along. Maybe to make him feel ‘at home’ with his like of men?
Just a guess……
I have met men I am just not attracted to…..may be very nice….warm cuddly and all that……just can’t see myself having sex with them……
Maybe it’s just my hangup……as it’s been a few years!
🙁
Control….
He knew when you would ‘reject’ him and aproached you then in the morning…..Safe time for him…..and he probably complained that YOU rejected him.
Brushing his teeth while admiring his piece……well…..there is some ego for ya…..
He also had something in his mouth while admiring himself…..meaning there?
Also the NYE excuse…..what a martyr…..he wanted to appear to be the gentleman who couldn’t possibly take advantage of a lady while she was drinking…..
I say….gay man in hiding…..
EB… okay.. but I think I asked or we were talking about sex.. likes and dislikes.. it wasn’t just like he volunteered it.. about the anal sex.. with the ex.. and aonther thing he is very large.. I mean anally.. yikes..And am not into anal.. and told him that up front… not that I am judging.. it is just not what I would ever have an interest in…
It was just the weirdest..
He told me that he didn’t want to think that I had to get drunk to have sex with him.. Good grief.. it was NYE.. at times, he got really up set and even cried that we didn’t have sex..
In anger once, I told him that he kissed like a lizard and I tried to teach him how to kiss..(I’ve been told that I am good at it) I just never have been with a man that I was so not sexually attracted to…
And he would roll his underwear up around his waist to make it tighter.. you know kind of like a ballet dancer.. he is really in shape..
thanks for your input.. it was all just so weird.. and he also told me that with his first wife in college that they made love alll the time.. and she was a nerdy looking little thing…
Again.. this was the wierdest relationship of my life…
sex is important to me.. and he was attractive and he was the biggest turn off….
So you think some ‘gay’ tendancies.. controlling… denying it when I wanted it and wanting it when he knew I wouldn’t be that into it..
one night I was flirting with him… thinking this is ridicluous that we dont have sex.. and I was all clean and out of the shower and he suggested that we go make desert…
something was bizarre.. maybe he wasn’t attracted to me either.. although, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.. and once in a movie theatre lobby he touched my breast… and I was so offended that I rheamed him out… according to him, he loved my breast…
Geez… I hope I am through this deal thinking back soon…
OMG….the s always told me I had the nicest breasts….He LOVED MY BOOBS….
Now….what good did this get me?
Not sure??? I guess he never encouraged me to get P. surgery……. Upside!
Now don’t go down the maybe he wasn’t attracted to me either road…..
Again….the movie theatre….what, are you supposed to drop your drawers and do him in the lobby???
I bet if you tried to fondle him in the movie, he would tell you how inappropriate you were being……BETCHA!!!
When two people are in a loving relationship…..(NOT that I’m the authority on this…haha)…but I believe sex is a big part of it……communications and all……likes, dislikes…..
Not comparasons.
If you don’t like or enjoy something your partner is doing, or the style etc….aproach it in a nice loving manner (maybe not compare him to a lizard hahahaha)….but obviously by this time….you were fed up with his lack of everything and you were frustrated!
I finally told the S plain out…..YOU SUCK in bed!!!!! Your selfish and
YOU SUCK at oral, and you have a small penis AND BAD BREATH!
Now…that’s compassion on my part huh???
I think your gut is somethng you need to listen to! ALWAYS….no matter if he was gay or repulsed by you……
WTF…..if he wasn’t attracted to you…..why did he propose?
The s was good looking too……but now I see pic of him and I”M REPULSED……
You saw beneath the good looks, the nice figure etc…..there was something there you WERE NOT thinking was so fine!
I remember way back……I must have been 15…..each ‘date’ we went out on had to end with a park in a neighborhood…..and sex or oral demands…. I HATED IT! I HATED where/when and the demands…..
One time…..I was a passenger and he was on top of me in the seat…..he shoved himself into the ‘wrong hole’……I WAS IN SO MUCH AGONY!!!! Shocked the hell out of me…..I jumped out from under him….reflex and cried……AYAYAYIEY.
Holy shit…..I was sitting in a car seat….WTF….did he think he had a bendable penis for going around corners or my ass would comply?
Like trying to give birth to a baby while hanging upside down on a rope???? PUSH….PUSH….
YEAH….NOT!
That was the end of that……
He got mad and drove me home……WTF?????
I felt so much shame…..
Isn’t that something that should be consented to or discussed…..like hey….I’m heading south….prepare yourself for landing?????
THAT WAS A CONTROL MOVE!!!!
and I spent another 26 years with the idiot!
Thank god you didn’t marry the S!!!!
Ah Erin – your expressions are priceless!
WTF”.did he think he had a bendable penis for going around corners or my ass would comply?
The P ex had a fascination with anal as well – he tentatively tried to broach it a couple of times and I shut him well down – NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NEVER!! I then asked him
“Why would you want to have sex like a gay man when you’re straight? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
He shut up after that.
I am quite confused about the whole straight anal thing – some women purport to love it, but I wonder if they’re just trying to please the man or seem sexually adventurous? I don’t get it. I know it is driven by porn – where anything goes, but why do they automatically think porn is real life? Definitely it should be discussed and mutually agreed to and prepared for properly by both – my ex ‘slipped’ a couple of times and almost … well you know. Good job I used to be an athlete and can move my hips remarkably quickly!
He also was soooo soo into my breasts. Pathetic – gag. Early in the relationship he would just come up behind me and start groping. So soon I started doing it back to him, but roughly and down there. He didn’t like it – especially when trying to watch tv or read a book lol
He also had bad breath … yuck. I used to make him brush his teeth and suck a mint before kissing him. That really annoyed him – but his breath stunk – such a turn off. Demands all the time for sex too – I eventually set him straight – told him he was welcome to wank or look at porn or do whatever he wanted but I would not be fulfilling his every desire – he would have wanted it several times a day – yuck!
Style – he also walked around naked a lot – not the greatest body in the world but he loved to flaunt it. I remember he had spots on his back and I thought to myself ‘I would never be that open if I had that particular flaw’ I have different flaws and am quite modest, but I don’t ‘let it all hang out’. Jeez!
I guess it’s for some…..just not me…Maybe my ‘intro’ was to blame for not allowing it to happen again…..28 years and HE NEVER MENTIONED IT AGAIN!!!!! NEVER!!
I guess he found another ass to take care of…..unbeknownst to me.
I have read about it and how women feel about it….some ADORE it…..some feel like us….NOT A CHANCE!
I don’t know….to each her own…..just stay out of mine!
I was talking to my eldest recently about sex….and the porn thing…..It’s really kinda sad how readily available porn is to the kids………..they have NO CLUE about the meaning of sex, the intimacy involved and how ‘beautiful’ it can be. It’s cheap to the teens, and this frightens me.
My sons ex gf was skiing with him over break….she decieded to tell him about all the boys she’s given oral to since him…..and let him know how much she really likes it……
I said….you’ve got to be kidding me…..SHE is telling you this? I said….was this an invitiation to go off into the forest for a quick oral session? Can you imagine WHERE her mouth has been….
He went on to tell me about her telling him how she is now into black men and why…..and her anal experience…..
I was shocked…..then he said….yeah mom…and she is claiming she’s still a virgin!!!!!
I said….that is a stretch…..he said, well…technically she’s never had sex…..I said….yeah….just like your dads statement about the car not running….(leading one to assume it’s broken down) NO….HE MEANT THE KEY WASN”T IN IGNITION……
So….if she’s not had VAGINAL sex….then the car’s not running……
I reminded him…..sex is sex is sex is sex……even if you screw a sheep.
Why is it the kids want to experience so much, yet keep the claim of virginity?????
It all so very sad…..
I tell my kids….honor yourself…if you give it all away now….there will be nothing special to honor your spouse with later…..then I ASSURE you……you’ll never have a happy marriage…..because real life isn’t like a porn!!!
I agree…..I’ve never had an sex encounter like they show on the porn sites…..and I never felt that I should be duplicating anything I’ve ever seen…..for one….I don’t think I could achieve any of the contorted postiions…..SO….is there something wrong with me???? I think NOT!
I have no desires to be with a woman, sex or kissing…..I have no desires to watch my man with another man OR woman ever…..or to have a room full of people all wrapped up like mating snakes in a sex ritual….
I guess my fears would take over…..damn…who got me pregnant, what are they thinking of my body compared to xx….do they want my V or his Ass, her ear or my armpit…..where did this VD come from…..So what….do you show up at the next encounter asking all these questions?
I’m not a prude….I guess in my opinion….it’s all just gotten way out of hand……
But….talk to me when I find a man to have sex with…..I may come back with a whole different sex story!!!
🙂
Doubt it……