UPDATED FOR 2022: Lovefraud received the following question from a reader. She was unknowingly asking about sociopathic manipulation strategies. Here is what she wrote:
My father was a nut job and so was my husband and now I am dating one — a psychopath. I just had this question —
Do these men act like they do not want you around and push you away and make you feel so sad for them — making you feel like you failed them somehow — never do enough — and then suddenly you find yourself begging them to show you how much better you can do for them?
I am sure the answer is yes — but I guess I just need confirmation.
This reader, in one sentence, listed four different manipulation strategies employed by sociopaths:
- Acting like they don’t want you and pushing you away
- Making you feel sad for them
- Making you feel like you failed them
- Making you feel like you need to prove yourself to them
All of these are typical sociopathic behaviors. In fact, items 2 and 3 are alternate descriptions for some of the Red Flags of Love Fraud.
Let’s take a look at these manipulation strategies individually.
Acting like they don’t want you and pushing you away
In the Red Flags of Love Fraud, I list warning signs such as “love-bombing,” which is showering the target with attention and affection, and “moving fast to hook up.” Sociopaths often pursue you relentlessly, sometimes snagging you through sheer persistence.
Then, suddenly, they act like they are no longer interested in you.
Because of the neurochemistry of how romantic love affects your brain — it’s addictive — this has the effect of making you want the sociopath even more. Sociopaths pursue you, then push you away, then pursue you, then push you away. With each manipulative cycle, the bond that you feel for the person gets stronger and stronger.
For more on this, read:
Why you weren’t thinking clearly when you fell for the sociopath, on Lovefraud.com.
Making you feel sad for them
This is Red Flag #9 “The pity play.” Sociopaths will tell you sob stories about their abusive childhood, crazy ex, overbearing boss, chronic illnesses anything to get you to feel sorry for them.
In her book, The Sociopath Next Door, Dr. Martha Stout wrote:
“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people, is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”
The stories sociopaths tell are often highly exaggerated or even complete fabrications, but they tell them so well that you are manipulated into believing them.
Making you feel like you failed them
This is Red Flag #5 “Blames others for everything.” Sociopaths will blame anybody but themselves for their problems. When you become romantically involved with a sociopath, sooner or later you will likely become the prime target for blaming.
What’s even worse is that you likely never did any of the actions or omissions that you are being accused of. Or, if you are guilty of a misunderstanding or oversight, the sociopath blows it way out of proportion, as if some minor incident was a federal crime.
No matter the sociopath has manipulated you to be on the defensive. This leads to the next tactic:
Making you feel like you need to prove yourself to them
This is the most insidious manipulation tactic that our reader pointed out, because the sociopath uses you against yourself. And surprisingly, the sociopath may manipulate your strengths as well as your weaknesses.
For example, if you are intelligent, or accomplished, or caring, the sociopath may imply, or even tell you outright, that you are not intelligent, accomplished or caring enough. The result you work harder to prove that you are.
The more you work to prove yourself, the more invested you become in the relationship — which strengthens the sociopath’s grip on you.
Multiple manipulation strategies
The true significance of the Lovefraud reader’s question is something she implied but did not ask directly. By mentioning four different ways in which the sociopath treated her, she captured the essence of what makes dealing with them so confusing:
They employ multiple manipulation strategies simultaneously.
This is why you feel so confused and off-balance. Although you don’t realize it, everything has an agenda. Nothing the sociopath says or does is real or authentic. Everything is about pulling you into the web, and keeping you there.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Unfortunately, it works.
Can you add to our knowledge base of warning signs? Looking back, what did you experience that you now realize was a manipulation strategy? Please add your comments below.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on August 24, 2015.
Reader’s Digest on how to spot romance scams
Also, I was always confused by her actions. She would contradict herself and use these strategies in such a complex way that I was always confused. Also, I was curious if I suffer from PTSD from the way she treated me. I don’t recall anything from my marriage. My wife asked me last night who my groomsmen were in my first wedding and I seriously can’t recall. Its like my brain has shut off that part of my life to protect from the hurt. Is this normal?
WOW…this is my boyfriend in a nutshell and how i used to try to prove myself to him
Just saw this article go out and I am glad I did, because I have an important comment. If you are seeing this article, and you are dealing with a sociopathic spouse/family member, you are receiving a gift in reading this and the other articles here. Take heed to all you read!
I recall bits and pieces of my divorce with the sociopath–the trauma endured caused a lot of memory gaps, but one of them stands out…my mother screaming at me on the phone, telling me to invite the sociopathic ex to events for my children, including the ones for school. I remember calmly saying to her that the sociopath can read, he can use a phone or computer–he can find out for himself. During this time, I tragically discovered that my ex had inappropriate contact with a few of our children when I was still living with him. Between my mother and ex, I don’t know what was worse, but they were always making me feel sorry for them.
Here I was trying to cut the ex out of my life, and my mother was attempting to maintain a connection without my consent. Very manipulative to get you to do their bidding. How many times did I give in? Countless times. I felt obligated, due to all the help my mother offered materially. Frequently, I look back and I really don’t like my un-informed self because I did not have enough knowledge nor courage to do what I had to do. However, eventually that changed. Make it change for you now if you are reading this! Don’t hesitate to break the unhealthy ties you have with these people! Does not matter who they were to you. What matters is your life and those who rely on your love now, without conditions, and those who truly need you without sucking you dry of emotional and mental energy. Life is out there waiting; it is never too late 😊
jhmb6 – It’s bad enough trying to escape from a sociopath – but when your own family sides with the sociopath, it’s even more difficult. Multiple people have told me about similar experiences – heartbreaking.
But I am so glad that you were able to recover and start taking a stand for yourself. Really, that’s all you can ask for. Be proud of your accomplishment.
Wishing you the best!