Lovefraud received the following e-mail recently from a reader, who we’ll call “Iris.” She was married for 20 years to a man who she now realizes is a sociopath.
I avoid talking to my ex-husband as much as possible, but he is 4 months behind on court ordered spousal support as I am in school getting my business degree and working. He has to pay $600 a month for 3 years. The court also ordered the support to pay me back for $11,000 I had to put into our house and property to make it “sellable” after he left me in the dust and moved to another state. He left me with 5 acres, a house falling apart, a barn with code violations, and our 3 family dogs. I went into survival mode and got it all fixed and sold and re-homed all of my dogs (who I love and miss very much) through a wonderful adoption agency. He also owes me for a mortgage reimbursement check he forged my signature on and cashed after he talked the mortgage co. into sending it to him in Calif. I filed a police report.
I was hoping you could help me. I e-mailed him with the threat of taking him to court and he called several times before I answered. I try to avoid talking to him because I always feel I am being manipulated. Within our conversation, he was mean, evil, nice, ugly and caring and same old guy. I brought up that I know how he operates and that it took distance for a lengthy period of time to see that he was a sociopath and smooth talker and that his agenda is to “win” and manipulate. I said many other things also. HE ADMITTED THAT HE OPERATES DIFFERENTLY AND DOESNT FEEL THE SAME AS OTHERS. I was blown away. The only other time that he ever came close to this was when I was about to leave him several years ago when I found out he was cheating on me again. His exact words were, “I can’t help it; I’ve always gotten a RUSH out of getting away with stuff. It’s been like that since I was a kid.”
I guess what I “need” to know is, why did that hit me so hard? Why did it make me so emotional when he said he operates differently? Why did it make me feel sorry for him? Why do I feel so exhausted and why can’t I stop crying now? Does his admission make it that much more real? Did the reality that he really is a sociopath and my whole marriage was meaningless overwhelm me? I have been divorced for a year and a half and apart from him since Nov. 2008. We have a 21-year-old son. We have not even had to communicate much.
All I know is, I am still affected in a very dark way because of being with him for so long. I’ve been to a psychologist once a week for quite a while. It helps, but she doesn’t KNOW what it actually feels like. Do you have any words of wisdom to help me move on? I am ok most of the time, but I don’t trust anyone and can’t even think about dating. I feel paralyzed sometimes and felt that way throughout my long marriage. I still find myself resorting back to thinking, “maybe it was me.” Am I damaged for life? I am usually pretty busy, but when I have time on my hands, things still get dark and I am tired of feeling like this.
Extreme difference
One of the hardest things to wrap our brains around is the extreme degree to which sociopaths are different from us.
On the home page of Lovefraud.com, I state that sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. Think about it. Sociopaths are missing all the qualities that make up the core of our humanity.
This is why coming to terms with the idea that sociopaths exist is so difficult. In order to grasp the concept of sociopaths, we have to give up some of our most cherished beliefs about what it means to be a human being living in our society.
Exploding myths
In our society, we may have differing points of views as old or young, men or women, liberals or conservatives, religious or secular, management or labor, or any other polarity. Still, some cultural ideas are so widespread, and so entrenched, that they are regarded as axioms.
When sociopaths are factored in, however, these axioms are nothing but exploding myths. Here are a few:
1. We all want to be loved. Sociopaths don’t care about love. They don’t even feel love. They certainly do not feel empathy for fellow human beings. When they appear to be acting out of love, it is probably nothing but manipulation, a tactic to advance their agenda. Sociopaths only want three things: power, control and sex.
2. There’s good in everyone. This, unfortunately, is not true. There are people in the world who are rotten to the core, and they’re the sociopaths. But unaware of the inherent evil of these predators, we believe that everyone deserves a chance, a second chance, and even more chances. Sociopaths milk this belief by promising to reform, but they never do.
3. Parents love their children. Most of us probably believe that, even if our childhoods were imperfect, our parents loved us and did the best they could. We don’t want to consider the idea that some parents simply don’t care about their kids. But if sociopaths have any concern about their children, it’s roughly equivalent to the concern they feel for an inanimate possession, like a flat screen TV. There is no real love.
4. Truth and justice will prevail. Many of us end up in legal battles with sociopaths, such as filing for divorce or claiming fraud. We approach the legal system assuming that we’ll get a fair hearing and justice will be served. But for sociopaths, court is show time. They lie to suit their agendas, and judges either don’t see it, or don’t care. Court isn’t about truth, it’s about winning, and sociopaths are wired to win.
5. We should live according to the Golden Rule. “Do to others what you would like them to do to you—”this rule of ethics is at the center of every major religious tradition. But if the “others” are sociopaths, living by the Golden Rule sets us up to be exploited. Treating them as we want to be treated, we’ll eventually find ourselves drained, and the sociopath on to a new source of supply.
Recovery
So how do we deal with the loss of what we thought were unshakeable truths? I think recovery has three aspects to it.
1. We accept that they are what they are. It is extremely unlikely that any sociopath, by the time he or she is an adult, is going to change. We must give up feeling guilty, or responsible, or even concerned. We may need to release grief or anger over what happened to us, but we must realize that there is nothing we can do about them.
2. We are grateful that we are not them. Although sociopaths probably don’t realize it, theirs is an empty, barren existence. They do not feel love, they do not feel human connection, they do not feel the warmth of belonging to anything. We may be in pain, and temporarily feel paralyzed, but we can recover our humanity. They don’t have a chance.
3. We resolve never to be exploited again. Now we know that sociopaths exist. We know how they think. We know how they act. We will never lose this knowledge, and knowledge is power. We take back our power, establish our boundaries and move forward.
Yes, the experience of a sociopath rattles us to the core. But it is possible to learn from it, gather ourselves and live again, with much more wisdom than we had before the nasty encounter.
Excellent article, Donna….and Iris, I hope that you will progress on that road toward healing, that you will regain your trust in yourself. Knowledge is power, and as we learn more about them, and as we learn more about ourselves, that we can keep ourselves safe and discern who is trustworthy and who is not, that we don’t have to be “alone” in our journey on this earth, we can share that journey with other good and caring people–friends and co-workers, neighbors, family, lovers–but we can avoid those that are not kind and caring, or good or giving. The dishonest ones who take but do not give. God bless.
I agree with Donna on the recovery part, 1 and most important, is to know and accept 100% WHAT they are. Notice I said WHAT and not WHO. I hesitate to call these predators a who because they have no human emotion, at least none that are genuine. And yes, this is so hard to finally accept and really get through your head and yes, your heart. Fortunate for me I stopped loving my predator years ago, and realized what he was as well, I just had to get up the courage to leave. NOT easy, I relate to the what to do about money/court issues as well. He has LOTS of money, I have very little and he sees no point in supporting children he fathered if they arent at his disposal anymore. I brought a halt to that when I took my children and left. Far away. Im sure he will be flying in anytime to begin his whole charade again, only this time Im alot smarter, I wont be a sitting duck. I dont count on the courts for help, they dont get “it”, and judges orders mean nothing to these people. They’ve never had to take responsibility for anything so why now? I am clueless what I am going to do for support, all I ever did was all his behind the scenes work for his businesses. He was incapable. I have no degrees, married right out of high school. What do I put on resume? “I know how to forge documents for psychopaths quick, fast, and in a hurry?”
As for us and why the mental devestation, perhaps its like Stockholm syndrome? Or maybe its hard for a normal, loving person to accept such a creature truly exists? Im saying both. You will get better, you will win. Keep educating yourself on this, be well armed.
Best wishes and peace to you
A
this touches on so much that i struggle with. it is comforting to know im not alone in having such a hard time accepting what i learned from my ex, which is that some people are just not what i think of as human. so to iris, know you are not alone either.
he shook all my perceptions of what people are.
he told me himself that he was a robot. that he feels nothing unless he has thought it through and decides that its right to allow himself to feel. i dont think thats a feeling at all! i think thats a carefully constructed defense mechanism that an adult shouldn’t be using.
i do not think he was evil. he may not even be a “real” sociopath, but he has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, and he certainly has sociopathic tendencies.
he always said im not a monster, im not a moster. and i never thought that he was. but he is a cold and calculating mind in a human body, and that is extremely hard to accept. i think: what do i classify him as if hes not quite what i think of as human, but isn’t a soulless murderer? and if he has a soul, isn’t there hope? couldn’t i love him enough to make him feel valued and secure and he could heal?
no one wants to think they could love someone with whom love “does not compute”. we all want to think love exists universally and it turns our world upside down when we find out it doesn’t. its frustrating and devestating and i too have so many of the dark moments iris speaks of.
they have slightly lessened in frequency over time and i hope they continue to. but when they strike, they are as dark as ever. it only took this person a few months to do their damage, i imagine it probably takes twice as long to really start to fix it so im stronger than i was before.
Dear agreenbean,
You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for “healing” this person’s problems. You are NOT Jesus, and you are not required to go to the cross and be crucified for the sins of the world…or the sins of this man’s parents….or who ever mistreated him. (I don’t mean that in a nasty way at all either)
HE is an adult and HE is responsible for HIS problems as an adult. We all are responsible for ourselves. If we have enough brains to function and count all our fingers and toes, then we are responsible for OURSELVES….and how we treat others.
Not everyone does have “good down inside” them because they have CHOSEN at some point to go toward the “dark side.” They have CHOSEN to have a “reprobate mind.” I very much believe in “free will.”
Sure, there are children born who don’t have enough brain matter and thinking to be ABLE to make a “free choice” and those unfortunate souls are not responsible for themselves.
There are people who have brain injuries and severe mental deficits so that they are OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY—they “hear lightening and see thunder” and those people can sometimes be dangerous to themselves and dangerous to others, but those people are not responsible for their choices or behaviors. Sometimes they must be kept confined for their own safety and for the safety of others, but they are not held accountable by the law (or I believe God) for what they do like others would be.
So unless someone is mentally deficient then THEY are responsible for their own actions and choices.
Knowing RIGHT from WRONG and “good from evil” is what makes us human, but that does not mean that every person is willing to choose GOOD over EVIL. Some people freely make up their choices to choose EVIL.
Yes, I believe there is a genetic component to psychopathy, just as there is to alcoholism, but just because a person has the genetic tendency for alcoholism does not mean that the UNIVERSE FORCES BOOZE DOWN THEIR THROATS, they can CHOOSE not to drink/drug etc. A psychopath knows right from wrong, but chooses to ignore this and to participate in EVIL acts, in knowingly doing wrong. They have a CHOICE just like I do. I am “tempted” at times to do things I know are wrong because I think it might be fun, nice, benefit me, or just because I am angry, but I am in control of whether or not I do these things. So is a psychopath.
Whether or not I am loved or not, secure or not, my choices are my responsibility. No one else can make those choices for me.
Bean you were not responsible for his choices, HE WAS. I’m glad you are out, and I’m glad that you are a kind and caring person, but focus your kindness and your caring on yourself to heal. YOU DESERVE THAT!!! ((((hugs)))) and God bless you.
Iris,
Please excuse me as I don’t believe that I can be as articulate as I once was (which is why I don’t write much), but I will try my best to explain my feelings and reasoning. I don’t know that I have wise words or wise advice, I only know what the stories and advice of people on this site have done to help me realize and see what I needed to do to try to get my mind and heart back.
My soon to be X used both lies AND truth to manipulate my emotions too, and no matter what they want you to believe, I think they know (especially after being with us for a long period of time) EXACTLY how to use their words (whether real truth OR lies) to manipulate our emotions. They know how we will react to the words they use, and that is really what they want above all – to find out that we react in some way so they can know that they still have some control of us through our emotions – I think that they believe that if they can control our emotions, them they still have control over us, after all, control and winning are their primary goals in everything they do, and they have had years of practice achieving their goals.
My stbx still tried to manipulate and control my emotions with truth, partial truth and lies even after I filed for divorce, so the only option for me was to follow LF writers advice and go totally NC (fortunately we do not have young children to have to parent together so I was able to do that). Now, anything in regards to our divorce or of a legal nature has to go through my attorney who forwards it to or discusses it with me, and I just refuse to have anything else to do with my stbx at all. I do not answer e mails nor do I read them (my logic is that whatever he says, whether truth or lie, is ONLY said to try to manipulate my feelings in some way, so if I don’t know what he says then his words can have no affect on my feelings). I do not answer phone calls from him or from anyone who has ongoing contact with him (even my own brother who insists on remaining friends with him).
I think that NC is not about punishing them (even though I think it frustrates them to no end because it seems to take away their ability to see whether we react or not), I think NC is really about allowing us to prevent them from seeing (and confirming in their minds) our emotional reaction and therefore allows us to be able to protect our emotions from their attempts at manipulation and control of them.
I’m not sure I explained this well, or that anyone else would agree with my feelings, but I know that NC has allowed me to feel as though I do have a little bit of control over what happens with regards to my feelings, at least for right now.
I would be willing to bet that your ex said what he said to you ONLY for the reason that he KNEW you would feel at least some pity and guilt, and my feeling is that he wants something from you – either for you to give in to something he wants or give up on something you want, and he is beginning to try to set you up so that he can get you to do what he wants. I believe that if you focus on the facts you know about his past behaviors instead of the words he used that are causing you distress and pain, I think you can and will discover what it is he’s REALLY trying to accomplish here.
In the meantime, pleae consider NC, you can always find an attorney to handle any (necessary) legal issues and contact you have to have with him, and since your son is 21, you don’t have to have the ongoing contact that visitation and custody court orders require. I know that for me, doing this has probably saved me untold amounts of pain, distress, and tears.
Please know that my hope and prayers and hugs are with you if you should need them.
Iris,
It is entirely appropriate for you to pity your ex. FROM A BIG DISTANCE!
You bought a cottage adjacent to a beautiful meadow, but it turned out after a long period of time that an alligator with a brain tumor lived on your property accross the field. You can’t completely banish the animal from your world, YET. You can pity him because he is a stupid reptile and his tumor (maybe it is a worm in his brain) is making him do weird things, like chew off his own tail and take naps in the middle of the asphalt road. But probably an animal specialist that saw him would assure you that the sick alligator suffers at times, but not immensely. But of copusr you know that the fact that he is an alligator with a tumor makes him extremely dangerous to get near, which is why you should not go over the the alligator’s side of the meadow.
The pristine, peaceful, safe meadow you had envisioned was an illusion. But you are still alive, and on this meadow with its potential hazards, you yourself, have managed to live an authentic human life, while the meadow was whatever is was, and you raised a child. I think that is the most important.
So pity the diseased alligator, but there is no need to be consumed by your concern for it. There is worse suffering than his. Just keep your own safe distance (including minimizing communication as much as you can), and remember that alligators are primitive and dangerous. And if sometimes it sounds like the alligator is talking, remember that he really isn’t an authority on anything it might sound like he’s talking about — most likely it’s just alligator babble.
I hope things stabilize for you, inside and out!
agreenbean, Ox Drover is right! You are not Jesus, and not supposed to be. What your friend has is a completely intractable problem. “Standing by” someone like him or “loving and supporting” someone like him enough that he could “heal” is analogous to trying to love somebody into being healed from cancer.
Every once in a while there is a person who got their act together because of a loving, patient partner, but they usually are not starting from a point like what you describe your friend to be. There must be thousands of women, and men, who approach a sociopathic or similarly troubled person with compassion and give and invest and believe that some improvement in the other person’s situation will result from their invested energy/emotion/sacrifice/support, but after a lot of this, or a lot of time, or a lot of loss, realise at some point “I am no match for this. This is way bigger than me or anything I could possibly do.”
Which is separate from the fact that you do not owe this person this help.
NOT Lostinthe darkness,
Sugar you are NOT lost in the darkness at all, that was a GREAT way to explain things, ABSOLUTELY great!!!!
Raggedy ann, that was also a great way to explain a psychopath, as an alligator with a brain tumor….we can pity it from a DISTANCE but can’t fix it or get too close.
How many people have sacrificed their entire lives and beings to try to get some loved one to quit drinking or drugging or whatever they are doing? We cannot save everyone. We cannot save ANY one, truth be told.
Even as perfect as Jesus was, one of his closest friends turned Him in to be crucified…and the powers that be hated Him enough to frame him for a political “crime.” Just as we cannot “love” someone enough to cure them of cancer we can’t love them enough to cure them of psychopathy either. Good analogy!
Iris,
Your letter was helpful to me (having your ex-h say what he KNOWS to be true about himself), reaffirming to me that sociopaths literally DO NOT CARE about any of the problems that they cause us to experience. The fact that sociopaths put good, decent people through unnecessary trials (trauma) speaks loud and clear to me – they will continue to repeat their behaviors (eg. not paying their bills, creditors suing them, getting massively in debt, stealing, etc.) – being unscrupulous is the rule of the day for them. I think what befalls them is tragic, but it also disturbs me that all of us wind up suffering for their misdeeds. Your ex-h doesn’t care about what he has put you through (mine certainly doesn’t), what you’ve had to weather. I would stop pitying him. If he was normal and could feel all the stress and heartache that you’ve had to endure, he probably would not have persevered (he would have collapsed under the strain). Between the two of you, you are the jewel.
agreenbean,
You are a good person, having a heart of gold. In time, all of the lessons (regarding the spath encounter) will come together for you. In the meantime, stay strong, taking good care of yourself.