Lovefraud received the following e-mail recently from a reader, who we’ll call “Iris.” She was married for 20 years to a man who she now realizes is a sociopath.
I avoid talking to my ex-husband as much as possible, but he is 4 months behind on court ordered spousal support as I am in school getting my business degree and working. He has to pay $600 a month for 3 years. The court also ordered the support to pay me back for $11,000 I had to put into our house and property to make it “sellable” after he left me in the dust and moved to another state. He left me with 5 acres, a house falling apart, a barn with code violations, and our 3 family dogs. I went into survival mode and got it all fixed and sold and re-homed all of my dogs (who I love and miss very much) through a wonderful adoption agency. He also owes me for a mortgage reimbursement check he forged my signature on and cashed after he talked the mortgage co. into sending it to him in Calif. I filed a police report.
I was hoping you could help me. I e-mailed him with the threat of taking him to court and he called several times before I answered. I try to avoid talking to him because I always feel I am being manipulated. Within our conversation, he was mean, evil, nice, ugly and caring and same old guy. I brought up that I know how he operates and that it took distance for a lengthy period of time to see that he was a sociopath and smooth talker and that his agenda is to “win” and manipulate. I said many other things also. HE ADMITTED THAT HE OPERATES DIFFERENTLY AND DOESNT FEEL THE SAME AS OTHERS. I was blown away. The only other time that he ever came close to this was when I was about to leave him several years ago when I found out he was cheating on me again. His exact words were, “I can’t help it; I’ve always gotten a RUSH out of getting away with stuff. It’s been like that since I was a kid.”
I guess what I “need” to know is, why did that hit me so hard? Why did it make me so emotional when he said he operates differently? Why did it make me feel sorry for him? Why do I feel so exhausted and why can’t I stop crying now? Does his admission make it that much more real? Did the reality that he really is a sociopath and my whole marriage was meaningless overwhelm me? I have been divorced for a year and a half and apart from him since Nov. 2008. We have a 21-year-old son. We have not even had to communicate much.
All I know is, I am still affected in a very dark way because of being with him for so long. I’ve been to a psychologist once a week for quite a while. It helps, but she doesn’t KNOW what it actually feels like. Do you have any words of wisdom to help me move on? I am ok most of the time, but I don’t trust anyone and can’t even think about dating. I feel paralyzed sometimes and felt that way throughout my long marriage. I still find myself resorting back to thinking, “maybe it was me.” Am I damaged for life? I am usually pretty busy, but when I have time on my hands, things still get dark and I am tired of feeling like this.
Extreme difference
One of the hardest things to wrap our brains around is the extreme degree to which sociopaths are different from us.
On the home page of Lovefraud.com, I state that sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. Think about it. Sociopaths are missing all the qualities that make up the core of our humanity.
This is why coming to terms with the idea that sociopaths exist is so difficult. In order to grasp the concept of sociopaths, we have to give up some of our most cherished beliefs about what it means to be a human being living in our society.
Exploding myths
In our society, we may have differing points of views as old or young, men or women, liberals or conservatives, religious or secular, management or labor, or any other polarity. Still, some cultural ideas are so widespread, and so entrenched, that they are regarded as axioms.
When sociopaths are factored in, however, these axioms are nothing but exploding myths. Here are a few:
1. We all want to be loved. Sociopaths don’t care about love. They don’t even feel love. They certainly do not feel empathy for fellow human beings. When they appear to be acting out of love, it is probably nothing but manipulation, a tactic to advance their agenda. Sociopaths only want three things: power, control and sex.
2. There’s good in everyone. This, unfortunately, is not true. There are people in the world who are rotten to the core, and they’re the sociopaths. But unaware of the inherent evil of these predators, we believe that everyone deserves a chance, a second chance, and even more chances. Sociopaths milk this belief by promising to reform, but they never do.
3. Parents love their children. Most of us probably believe that, even if our childhoods were imperfect, our parents loved us and did the best they could. We don’t want to consider the idea that some parents simply don’t care about their kids. But if sociopaths have any concern about their children, it’s roughly equivalent to the concern they feel for an inanimate possession, like a flat screen TV. There is no real love.
4. Truth and justice will prevail. Many of us end up in legal battles with sociopaths, such as filing for divorce or claiming fraud. We approach the legal system assuming that we’ll get a fair hearing and justice will be served. But for sociopaths, court is show time. They lie to suit their agendas, and judges either don’t see it, or don’t care. Court isn’t about truth, it’s about winning, and sociopaths are wired to win.
5. We should live according to the Golden Rule. “Do to others what you would like them to do to you—”this rule of ethics is at the center of every major religious tradition. But if the “others” are sociopaths, living by the Golden Rule sets us up to be exploited. Treating them as we want to be treated, we’ll eventually find ourselves drained, and the sociopath on to a new source of supply.
Recovery
So how do we deal with the loss of what we thought were unshakeable truths? I think recovery has three aspects to it.
1. We accept that they are what they are. It is extremely unlikely that any sociopath, by the time he or she is an adult, is going to change. We must give up feeling guilty, or responsible, or even concerned. We may need to release grief or anger over what happened to us, but we must realize that there is nothing we can do about them.
2. We are grateful that we are not them. Although sociopaths probably don’t realize it, theirs is an empty, barren existence. They do not feel love, they do not feel human connection, they do not feel the warmth of belonging to anything. We may be in pain, and temporarily feel paralyzed, but we can recover our humanity. They don’t have a chance.
3. We resolve never to be exploited again. Now we know that sociopaths exist. We know how they think. We know how they act. We will never lose this knowledge, and knowledge is power. We take back our power, establish our boundaries and move forward.
Yes, the experience of a sociopath rattles us to the core. But it is possible to learn from it, gather ourselves and live again, with much more wisdom than we had before the nasty encounter.
Ox Drover,
Thank you for your validation of what I said – what you said to me means more than you could ever know, most especially since so many of your posts here shine the light I so badly need to try to find my way out of this darkness that my heart is in.
It has been a very hard year since I told my ex that he had to go. When I told him, I had no clue that I had been emotionally and psychologically abused and that my mind and heart were so crushed and bruised, I told him to leave because I had found out that he had been cheating and doing other things, and even after he promised not to ever do them again, he still did, and had been constantly and consistently lying about these and many other things. For a while, I hoped he would realize what he had thrown away and straighten himself out, but that was not to be. And then I discovered information about what a psychopath was and how and what they did to other people. The pieces didn’t just slip into place at that point, they slammed into place with the strength of an earthquake – there was no doubt for me as to what he was. After that, I filed for divorce and went no contact without even knowing what NC was or why I needed to do it. While I think my mind has come a long way from the total mush I think it was, my heart still has a very long way to go before it sees light. He took so much from me and did so much to me as far as my emotions go, that I feel sometimes that I may never ever again find the loving, caring, and trusting person I once was – just like Iris asked, am I damaged beyond repair? Sometimes I’m afraid that I am. What he did took away almost everything I believed in, and I just thank God that the one thing that he was not able to destroy was my faith in God – if he had, I would have had no base to even begin again.
I commented on what Iris wrote because I could identify with what she said in her last paragraph. I still feel the darkness too, and and I totally understand what she means about not being able to trust, as well as her worry about possibly being damaged beyone repair. I’ve tried therapy (even with different providers as you suggested to me some time ago) – it has not helped much as they just do not understand, and how do you explain something to someone who has no clue about what you are trying to tell them. I really believe that it is just not possible for anyone who hasn’t been there to really understand what someone is feeling. I have gotten and learned more here at LF from you and other members than I ever got thru any formal counselling, and for that, I thank you all from the bit of heart that I have left. All I know right now is that I do not feel as if I can even fully trust any of my family (I don’t think many of them can or really want to see what my ex is), and because of this, I cannot let them know what is going on in my heart for fear that it will get back to him. I do not dare to let them know that I am afraid and hurting, because if he finds out that I am, he will do his best to hurt me more and try to make me more afraid. And that’s why I tried to explain how I feel about NC – right now, it is my only safety net against his control and manipulation of my heart and mind. I know this, and so I cling to it.
Dear in the darkness,
Sugar you are not lost, you may not yet know your way, but you are NEVER LOST as long as you have God….and hang on to that.
I understand about your family not believing you, and believe me mine doesn’t either except for my adopted son who has been my rock through this all. I am not sure how I could have made it without him, physically or emotionally either one.
I lost my ability to trust myself and that was the worst loss of all I think, but now I am regaining that trust, to trust myself to keep myself safe from predators.
I let myself down by WANTING to trust the predators, even when I KNEW in my heart they were not trustworthy….but I will continue to protect myself and keep myself safe from now on.
A year or two ago I had 2-3 dates with a widower that “seemed nice” but then he asked me to do something that was IRRESPONSIBLE. That would have been illegal (though not like robbing a bank, still NOT within the laws and regulations) and I said NO!!!!! and ended any thought of dating this guy again….but you know what, just this past week I realized JUST HOW RIGHT I had been to dump this guy. He just “dropped by” to see me when he came here to visit his brother—and just CASUALLY mentioned he’d gotten married but didn’t seem the least bit happy about it….BOY WAS I GLAD I HADN’T KEPT ON SEEING THIS GUY. I kept myself safe by listening to myself, to keeping my P-dar on alert. In the years since my “summer of chaos” I have let go of several “friendships” with people that I had considered friends for many years—and you know, I should have let them go a long time ago. When people are dishonest with anyone, unkind to anyone, they will eventually be unkind or dishonest with me as well.
Each time I have to make a decision, to SET A BOUNDARY for myself or for others, I realize that I CAN KEEP MYSELF SAFE, yet I can have friends and I can enjoy those friends, I just need to continue to watch how they ACT not what they SAY.
It hurts when I realize that I cared more for someone and thought more of them than they cared for me or thought of me, but each time I set a boundary and must enforce it, I realize that it hurts less, and I also realize that those people who are good, who ARE LOVING and who DO love me are so much more precious. Just as having a big, flashy Zircon or lots of zircons isn’t really as nice as having ONE SMALL, GENUINE, BUT TINY, real diamond. Having ONE WONDERFUL FRIEND is a bunch better than having 100 “fake” ones.
I agree with you totally about keeping away from ANYONE who is in contact with him. Sometimes INNOCENT people get sucked into the vortex of the psychopath and we lose our relationship with them, but that collateral damage is part of the price we have to pay to get away and stay away NC from them!
I’m glad you are here and I hope you will continue to share here on LF, the sharing does help at least for me. I’m glad that some of what I’ve shared has been of some help to you! ((((Hugs))) and God bless.
Dear Oxy,
“Sugar you are not lost, you may not yet know your way, but you are NEVER LOST as long as you have God”.and hang on to that.”
I do hang on to it, and I know, without a doubt, that the one set of footprints I’m seeing in the sand are the Lord’s and that He IS carrying me. Any strength I have at this point is not mine, but His, and He will NEVER abandon me or take His love or strength from me. If I make it thru this, it will be His doing, not mine. Knowing that is all that is holding the little pieces of my heart together right now. May He bless you too, Oxy, abundantly, in your life and in your heart, because my thanks for your help and caring could never be enough.
dear In Darkness,
I’m still here at LF because I get a lot more than I give…but I am glad that I have helped you …”a joy shared is doubled and a burden shared is halved.” I don’t know who said that first but it is so true.
One of my cousins in a hair dresser and she went to give hair cuts to the homeless people at some sort of an event, and she said that some woman came up to her….an old woman, homeless in a wheel chair, no teeth and only one leg…and my cousin said what a blessing this woman was to her and how she really appreciated what she had and would never complain again about not having this or that. I agree. WE are all so blessed, because we do have a place to lay our heads and clean water and food…so I have to keep my eyes on the BLESSINGS I have and do my best not to focus on the things I don’t have. Because compared to what I have, what I don’t have doesn’t matter! LF is one of the blessings I have, too, and I thank God every day for this site and for Donna. ((((hugs)))
lostinthedarkness,
What I have concluded from this whole spath encounter is that we have gained insight (wisdom) concerning human beings – there truly are a range of people, some being good and others being the opposite, evil. We know with certainty (having had real-life experiences) that there are people (the spaths) who are unable to be fully human – they can be truly wicked. Why we have had these lessons, I don’t know (yet). We have seen beneath the veil (if you will), expanding our knowledge base. I know that you have been hurt – my prayer is that you will some how recover in time from all that you have suffered.
I think those are great points, above….
a) accept
b) be grateful
c) resolve
I realized my lover was an liar only a few weeks after we met. I figured out my lover was a sociopath after only a few months.
Yet I keep getting sucked into his web, because
a) I believe there is good in everyone, including him
b) I want to be loved
c) I figure if I love him, he’ll love me back.
So what happened now? I had crazy sex with him in a locker room shower at his office.
The very next day he says he’s WAY too busy to see me, but goes off and plays a nice game of tennis with his ex-wife.
And that same evening he shoots me a text message, and recommends I hire somebody for a job opening I had, giving me a bit of a sob story about her (but also hinting that he thought she was sexy). Of course, I was quite alert to the “hint” and I discover that this girl is 20 years his junior and discover he’s been having sex with her too… so he’s intentionally trying to shove his shit in my face.
What the hell is wrong with me that I keep thinking he’s a good guy?
Why do I keep thinking he’ll change, that if I show him how much I love him, he’ll love me back?
I am such an idiot.
I can’t get over the pain.
I can’t believe my continued stupidity.
superkid i wish i had more to offer you than to say that i know EXACTLY how you feel. and that you are not stupid! think of how hard it is for a fly to get out of a spider web. and then realize you are kind of like that fly and he is the spider. its tough but it doesn’t mean you’re stupid!
for me, the most comforting thing about LF is that people here understand how you feel when you think no one else will.
Ooh, that spiderweb analogy is great! The black widow spider comes to mind…
I spent too long-9years with a sociopath (diagnosed by a psychiatrist and psychologist) and did not realise how damaged I was.
When I finally fled his violence and manipulation I suffered for quite a few years with regrets and hopes that somehow he would one day change and love me like he always promised.
It was all a dream and I had to constantly force myself to face the reality that he was a sadistic and cruel manipulator who worked on me through friends and family and our three young children who he brainwashed and influenced each fortnight and on school holidays.
It took 14 years for him to stop attacking me through the Family Court and at Access handovers and drop offs.
I found the best thing was to act totally disinterested in him, as if it was normal for the children to be going away or coming home, and he did not even exist, even if he was standing next to the car.
When faced with violent rages and him yelling and charging at me with a big piece of wood threatening to hit me, I acted cool and in control, like a school teacher talking to a naughty child.
I told him his behaviour was unacceptable and he should be ashamed of behaving in such a manner in front of his children,.
Because it was not my usual terrified response, he was stunned and tossed the wood away in disgust and ran to his car growling like a mad gorilla.
I had a lot of stalking and prowling around my home at night and decided to just ensure the locks were good and sleep through it.
If I called the police it made me look like I was neurotic as he would be long gone before any police ever arrived.
The neighbours big collie dog did get to bite him on the butt one night as he leapt through the neighbours yard in his usual jopurney through about 7 backyards to access my yard in the night.
I still have a laugh about that with the neighbours if we ever cross paths again.
The problem was that I moved to another district, began a new life, but did not realise the damage done to me.
I fell into the same trap again with marriage another soicopath who did the big romance, flowers, cards, phonecalls etc that I had never experienced in my life.
Same sociopath personality, different tactics.
I realised what he was in 2 1/2 months because I fell pregnant and he ordered the local Doctor to abort me without me knowing when he sent me to her for a “health checkup”.
Next he threw me out of the home to drive hundreds of miles from the north west mining town we were then living in, and told me to drive to the capitol city Perth and have an abortion at a particular clinic or he would not have me back.
I defied him and kept my child.
I divorced him.
Still not realising that I needed help to overcome the damage I carried on raising my children alone and socially isolated by my low income-social security.
Years later, I fell for another big con and guess what, the man I married was a sociopath too!
He approached as a christian man who felt sorry for my poor kids who had no father to love and guide them.
Of course he was nice to the kids and wooed them as much as me, then abused the youngest, bashed me and left me pregnant,, dealing with a young child suffering from violent abuse, deep in debt (seems to be a trait of sociopaths) and lied about me to every church that knew me, so that I had people condemning me everytime they saw me in the shops or street.
Then he sued me through the family court for custody of the child I gave birth to.
A corrupt judge and lawyer later and I lost my son on the grounds that the Judge claimed I lied about the child abuse.
Police and Doctors gave evidence that the child was telling the truth.
The abused child was too young to give sworn evidence in court (under 8 years) so the authorities could not charge him if he did not admit to his crimes.
I would advise every victim of sociopathic partners or family, to get help.
Seek good counselling and develop yourself so you have stronger belief in yourself.
I lacked self esteem and it made me an easy victim.
I was too naive and too caring and too easy to manipulate because I would always feel guilty if I said no or did not help a person who asked for help, or forgive someone who said “sorry”.
Now I tend to say a few rude words when I get angry instead of feeling that I have no right to get angry over injustice.
I say “NO” if someone is imposing on me or trying to manipoulate me.
I refuse to give answers on demand if I feel I am being manipulated.
I tell the person “I will think about that”
or “I’ll let you know later when I have time to think it over”.
One trait of sociopaths seems to be to back you into a corner emotionally, and demand you answer yes or no immediately instead of giving you time to think things over at your own pace, and make decisions without rushing.
I am still alone and I dont know if I will ever trust anyone again.
Bluejay,
Thank you for your prayers, I truly appreciate them. I hope that I have learned enough here, and from the many books I’ve read on this subject to begin to take some small steps towards the future. While the pain is still deep and my heart is still shattered, my mind does seem to be clearing, and I feel like maybe it’s clear enough now to focus on trying to help others if I can.
Yes, I agree, I believe we have all gained wisdom, and I think we’ve paid a very high price for it, emotionally, psychologically, and/or financially. It is my hope now that I will someday have the opportunity to pass this wisdom along to someone else who needs it so that they can gain the wisdom without having to pay that same high price we did.
I am so sorry that any of us had to go through this, but it gives me much comfort to know that I am not alone and that there are people who truly do understand and want to help others through this. I think the time has come now for me to try to be part of that comfort for someone else, and I hope I have the opportunity to do that also.
Thank you all for everything you have given to me and done for me.