Lovefraud received the following e-mail recently from a reader, who we’ll call “Iris.” She was married for 20 years to a man who she now realizes is a sociopath.
I avoid talking to my ex-husband as much as possible, but he is 4 months behind on court ordered spousal support as I am in school getting my business degree and working. He has to pay $600 a month for 3 years. The court also ordered the support to pay me back for $11,000 I had to put into our house and property to make it “sellable” after he left me in the dust and moved to another state. He left me with 5 acres, a house falling apart, a barn with code violations, and our 3 family dogs. I went into survival mode and got it all fixed and sold and re-homed all of my dogs (who I love and miss very much) through a wonderful adoption agency. He also owes me for a mortgage reimbursement check he forged my signature on and cashed after he talked the mortgage co. into sending it to him in Calif. I filed a police report.
I was hoping you could help me. I e-mailed him with the threat of taking him to court and he called several times before I answered. I try to avoid talking to him because I always feel I am being manipulated. Within our conversation, he was mean, evil, nice, ugly and caring and same old guy. I brought up that I know how he operates and that it took distance for a lengthy period of time to see that he was a sociopath and smooth talker and that his agenda is to “win” and manipulate. I said many other things also. HE ADMITTED THAT HE OPERATES DIFFERENTLY AND DOESNT FEEL THE SAME AS OTHERS. I was blown away. The only other time that he ever came close to this was when I was about to leave him several years ago when I found out he was cheating on me again. His exact words were, “I can’t help it; I’ve always gotten a RUSH out of getting away with stuff. It’s been like that since I was a kid.”
I guess what I “need” to know is, why did that hit me so hard? Why did it make me so emotional when he said he operates differently? Why did it make me feel sorry for him? Why do I feel so exhausted and why can’t I stop crying now? Does his admission make it that much more real? Did the reality that he really is a sociopath and my whole marriage was meaningless overwhelm me? I have been divorced for a year and a half and apart from him since Nov. 2008. We have a 21-year-old son. We have not even had to communicate much.
All I know is, I am still affected in a very dark way because of being with him for so long. I’ve been to a psychologist once a week for quite a while. It helps, but she doesn’t KNOW what it actually feels like. Do you have any words of wisdom to help me move on? I am ok most of the time, but I don’t trust anyone and can’t even think about dating. I feel paralyzed sometimes and felt that way throughout my long marriage. I still find myself resorting back to thinking, “maybe it was me.” Am I damaged for life? I am usually pretty busy, but when I have time on my hands, things still get dark and I am tired of feeling like this.
Extreme difference
One of the hardest things to wrap our brains around is the extreme degree to which sociopaths are different from us.
On the home page of Lovefraud.com, I state that sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. Think about it. Sociopaths are missing all the qualities that make up the core of our humanity.
This is why coming to terms with the idea that sociopaths exist is so difficult. In order to grasp the concept of sociopaths, we have to give up some of our most cherished beliefs about what it means to be a human being living in our society.
Exploding myths
In our society, we may have differing points of views as old or young, men or women, liberals or conservatives, religious or secular, management or labor, or any other polarity. Still, some cultural ideas are so widespread, and so entrenched, that they are regarded as axioms.
When sociopaths are factored in, however, these axioms are nothing but exploding myths. Here are a few:
1. We all want to be loved. Sociopaths don’t care about love. They don’t even feel love. They certainly do not feel empathy for fellow human beings. When they appear to be acting out of love, it is probably nothing but manipulation, a tactic to advance their agenda. Sociopaths only want three things: power, control and sex.
2. There’s good in everyone. This, unfortunately, is not true. There are people in the world who are rotten to the core, and they’re the sociopaths. But unaware of the inherent evil of these predators, we believe that everyone deserves a chance, a second chance, and even more chances. Sociopaths milk this belief by promising to reform, but they never do.
3. Parents love their children. Most of us probably believe that, even if our childhoods were imperfect, our parents loved us and did the best they could. We don’t want to consider the idea that some parents simply don’t care about their kids. But if sociopaths have any concern about their children, it’s roughly equivalent to the concern they feel for an inanimate possession, like a flat screen TV. There is no real love.
4. Truth and justice will prevail. Many of us end up in legal battles with sociopaths, such as filing for divorce or claiming fraud. We approach the legal system assuming that we’ll get a fair hearing and justice will be served. But for sociopaths, court is show time. They lie to suit their agendas, and judges either don’t see it, or don’t care. Court isn’t about truth, it’s about winning, and sociopaths are wired to win.
5. We should live according to the Golden Rule. “Do to others what you would like them to do to you—”this rule of ethics is at the center of every major religious tradition. But if the “others” are sociopaths, living by the Golden Rule sets us up to be exploited. Treating them as we want to be treated, we’ll eventually find ourselves drained, and the sociopath on to a new source of supply.
Recovery
So how do we deal with the loss of what we thought were unshakeable truths? I think recovery has three aspects to it.
1. We accept that they are what they are. It is extremely unlikely that any sociopath, by the time he or she is an adult, is going to change. We must give up feeling guilty, or responsible, or even concerned. We may need to release grief or anger over what happened to us, but we must realize that there is nothing we can do about them.
2. We are grateful that we are not them. Although sociopaths probably don’t realize it, theirs is an empty, barren existence. They do not feel love, they do not feel human connection, they do not feel the warmth of belonging to anything. We may be in pain, and temporarily feel paralyzed, but we can recover our humanity. They don’t have a chance.
3. We resolve never to be exploited again. Now we know that sociopaths exist. We know how they think. We know how they act. We will never lose this knowledge, and knowledge is power. We take back our power, establish our boundaries and move forward.
Yes, the experience of a sociopath rattles us to the core. But it is possible to learn from it, gather ourselves and live again, with much more wisdom than we had before the nasty encounter.
An easy way to identify a sociopath is he/she devoid of empathy and sympathy.
Zoey,
Thanks for your post. I especially like some of your suggestions at the end.
On Friday, we are having our suvivors of interactions with sociopaths meeting and our topic is:
“What Works: When No Contact is Not an Option, Tips for Dealing with a Sociopath
Share your ideas!
Disclaimer: This is not legal advice. This is an oppotunity to share what has worked for us and brainstorm suggestions for dealing with sociopathic behavior.”
No Contact is best, but some people are still in litigation or have children with the person who is disordered. If anyone has ideas on this topic, please let me know. If we get a good list, I’ll be glad to share.
krbrown, What we suggest here, for those that must be in contact with spath, is: Go gray rock on him. That means, DO NOT REACT TO ANYTHING HE DOES. Be boring. Do not get sucked into the drama. Remain cool and detached. We also say: POTTED PLANT< POTTED PLANT< POTTED PLANT. We give them about as much importance as a potted plant. They are not human, they are vegitation, so to speak. I hope this helps.
Superkid,
You are not stupid. It takes a while to really grasp what kind of person a sociopath is, and the sinister games they play for whatever ungodly reason no one has ever figured out. It often doesn’t hit you all at once. But once it hits you, you’ll be done with him. It will take longer for your heart to heal because your love was real, even though his is not.
Once I figured out mine was gaslighting me (I didn’t know the word for it at the time) and caught him in a glaring lie about being married, it STILL took me several months to really wrap my mind around what a sociopath was. Give yourself a break.
Hugs,
Star
Iris, your letter reveals a lot. Your tormentor handed you a gift — a clue to how to move on. He showed a rare understanding of his disease, even though he doesn’t know what to do about it or want to change. Compartmentalization. So now you know: it wasn’t you. The point here isn’t to inspire sympathy for him but clarity on the exact nature of his disease, so you’ll know finally just how dangerous and deceptive it can be.
Iris ~ Oh my goodness, your marriage was certainly not meaningless! It just meant different things to you and your ex-sociopath.
Please do not blame yourself. It is never “you” when you’re involved with a sociopath. WE are the victim, THEY are the cold, scheming, manipulating PREDATOR.
Keeping busy is a good thing, but you also need to have time to grieve. You have suffered the loss of someone you loved deeply. Even though that person was an illusion. Keep in mind, he was an illusion of the man he knew you wanted him to be.
They are ACTORS, just characters in a play.
Iris,
I’m sorry for your pain and confusion. Dealing with a psychologically manipulative Sociopath is a blinding, confusing experience and a rollelr coaster ride of emotions. Donnas advise is simple and true, as all the other ones here.
If you have to have any contact with him show APATHY! they are drama kings and queens. They lack emotions so they feel them vicariously through you, and continue to draw you into them until you are sucked dry. The less emotion you show, even anger and pain the more they will retract….and the more power YOU will recover.
Raggedly Ann,
I think that your post relegating the sociopath to being an alligator with a brain tumor is right on!
Their behaviors are so similar, their needs evoke primeval predatory urges, and their greed knows no bounds!
When we correct our perceptions and allow that not everyone is kind, nice and good, and that there is a reptilian element with whom we share the planet, then we grant ourselves the space to acknowledge that they are out there and that we can take protective measures to insure our physical, mental and financial wellbeing.
So, instead of floating down the river of ‘de nile (denial),’ looking like an enticing ‘meal’ for the reptile, we who have received a ‘wake-up call’ learn to observe the characteristics of the reptile, their habitat, and their agendae.
Iris,
Granted that he owes you support and other reimbursement monies, the fact of the matter is that he has removed himself from your judicial jurisdiction thereby making it extremely difficult to collect anything from him.
In that regard, he is very much like a snake (another reptile) who has wiggled his way out of responsibility for his actions.
My advice would be to let go of collecting anything from him – he hasn’t come through so far and undoubtedly won’t in the future. So rather than continuing to pursue getting paid from him, I would put the entire issue behind me, write off a debt which is probably uncollectible and get on with my life.
I know that there’s something within us that doesn’t like to let them ‘get away with it,’ but at what cost to ourselves? It just keeps the dance going and going and going.
You’ve already proven that you’re a strong person who has repaired the homestead, has an income and is involved in furthering your education, and I applaud you for that.
I would have no further contact with him as he is now part of the past, which is a good place to leave him.
Sparks
Equipped with this knowledge, we can observe them from afar and not become involved with them.
Zoey,
I am so sorry that you have suffered so much at the hands of so many…and that is not unusual for those of us who have been victims once to be victims AGAIN unless we have figured out the ways they control others and how they gain that control.
Learning to trust, not just trust OTHERS, but to learn to trust OURSELVES to spot them and to keep ourselves safe is difficult, but I am learning that now.
My “Rule #1” is HIS S/HE HONEST? If the answer is even a “little bit” NO, then I do not trust that person AT ALL. If someone is dishonest I do not let them into my circle of intimacy.
Rule #2 is ARE THEY KIND? If someone is unkind to anyone they will eventually be unkind to me.
At ANY TIME if ANYONE violates rules 1 or 2, or lies then they are OUT of my circle of trust….it is not impossible for someone to regain that intimacy, but there has to be ACTION, not just words….and just “saying sorry” is not even enough to start with.
I do not treat others badly, and I will not allow others to treat me badly. My life is good now because I do not have people in it that treat me badly. Sometimes I miss those people that I THOUGHT loved me, but I don’t miss the pain they brought into my life. I realize the pleasure they brought doesn’t outweigh the pain they also brought.
i am having quite the internal struggle about how the person in my life challenges my views of what it means to be human. i have very circular thoughts about this, and never feel resolve.
i have been reading about dignity. here are some quotes:
“Dignity is your birthright. Simply because you exist you are worthy and have every right to hold these powerful and profound beliefs about your self:
 I have every right to exist, to live, and to thrive. I am worthy of life. I accept my self.
My life is important. I have a right and responsibility to live my life to its fullest potential. I have a right to be successful and happy, to feel worthy and deserving, and to request and pursue my needs and wants.
My observations and viewpoint are valid. I see what I see and know what I know without requiring further validation. Similarly, your viewpoint is also valid.
I am lovable, admirable, and powerful.”
now, i can see how important these things are to anyone who is been in a predicament with a sociopath or similiarly disordered person.
but does not the sociopath have the same intrinsic rights simply because they exist as a human being? do they not also deserve to be loved? is their viewpoint not valid even though at times it is clearly false (gaslighting)?
civility is one thing, being assertive towards a sociopath we must deal with for whatever reason without being aggressive is, i would think, proper and the correct thing to do.
yet it is very hard for me to see how i am supposed to tell myself not to miss this person, not to want to be allowed to love this broken person about whom i cared, regardless if they will ever choose to “fix” themselves or not?
and if they do deserve love, who should be the one to give it to them? can someone else give them love without getting hurt? if so, why couldn’t that be me?
then i tell myself “not you, because you deserve to be loved the way you are, and not have to change that to not be hurt in your relationships”.
but it goes around and around in my head, that the foundation of everything i know about what people deserve is shaken, including myself.