lf2
By December 3, 2015 64 Comments Read More →

Sociopaths–How They Lie and Why We Fall For It: Part 2

Sociopath Toolkit 2

Sociopaths have many tools in their deceptive toolkit. Last week, in Part 1, I explored three techniques “Paul,” my husband of about 20 years who I now believe is a sociopath, used the day after our honeymoon.  (This is taken from my book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned , available via Amazon.com).  The three techniques were:

 1) framing the conversation to blind me to what was in clear view,

2) creating cognitive dissonance that I would likely resolve in his favor,

3) deceiving without uttering a single word that was untrue.

 A barrage of other deceptive techniques, likely common to other liars and sociopaths, followed.

“Our Honeymoon Isn’t Over Until I Say It’s Over!” 

It all started the night we returned from our honeymoon; Paul became furious with me when I needed to make a business-related call.  He snapped, “Our honeymoon isn’t over until I say it’s over!”  His remark and anger upset me and I discussed the unsettling interaction with Paul the next day.  I started by repeating his comment and letting him know how I’d felt.

Answering A Question With A Question And Putting Me On The Defensive

After the first three techniques (above) did not get me to drop the subject, Paul added, “Do you really think I would say that?” This is the technique of answering a question with a question. And it was not just any question but a question that redirected my focus away from Paul’s behavior to defending my character (i.e., Am I the kind of person who accuses my husband of being purposely hurtful?).

Without being aware of this tactic, I was immobilized. Paul succeeded in getting me to feel defensive, as if I needed to explain and justify my words. Now, I felt guilty for doubting him.

Imperfect Memory and Gaslighting

Imperfect memory is another technique Paul used to obfuscate. When I pressed the point, he countered with, “I don’t remember saying that ”¦” Again, that was true, technically. Neither Paul nor I have a photographic memory. Absent a recording, neither of us could have remembered exactly what was said the previous day. Gaslighting, named after the movie Gaslight, also involves simply denying facts that one knows to be true. As memory is imperfect, getting someone to question his or her own memory is easier than most of us think.

I Was Just Joking 

When I persisted and commented that I remembered him saying something like that, Paul employed the “I was just joking” defense.

In other words, if I was correct that Paul had said anything even close to what I thought he’d said, it could only have been a joke, because Paul was such a nice person that he would never have done something hurtful on purpose.

Bullies use the “I was just joking defense” a lot. They assert that any normal person, who is not neurotically over sensitive, would have known they were joking. So, if you persist in the perception that they were not joking, it could only mean that you are a terribly flawed person, with no sense of humor. To avoid appearing too oversensitive, those bullied often renege on the original assertion that the bully’s behavior was caustic and hurtful.

Score one for sociopaths and bullies everywhere!

Character Assassination

When I clung to my correct perception that Paul had not been kidding, Paul’s defense turned to subtle character assassination that made me question myself by suggesting that I was oversensitive. “You were clearly over sensitive last night,” he said.  Again, this diverted my focus to defending my character, and away from Paul’s behavior and his lies.

Typecasting

To buy a little extra insurance, Paul added, “It seems you’re calling me a liar.” Gavin de Becker, author of The Gift of Fear, calls this type of subtle character assassination “typecasting.” By labeling me again in an unflattering way—as someone who would call her new husband a liar—Paul set me up to prove an unflattering label untrue.

The ultimate irony here was that, although he had lied, I had not called him a liar.

By accusing me of doing so, he distracted me yet again from his lie and put me on my heels as I sought to reassure my new husband that, as a kind person who loved him, I would never call him a liar.

Pity

When none of these approaches sealed the deal, Paul used the pity play. By employing this tactic, Paul seduced me into feeling badly for him. “But now, you’re getting me upset,” he said. By design, this pulled at my heart strings and got me to disengage.

Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, regards the pity play as a key tool in the sociopath’s toolkit.

Distracting And Discrediting With Irrelevant Details

Although Paul did not use the technique in this particular conversation, another ploy he often used was to distract and discredit with irrelevant details.

As if in a court of law, once he established that he believed I had misremembered something trivial (like recalling that we had started dinner at 6:30 p.m. when he was sure, whether or not he was actually correct, it was closer to 6:10) then, by implication, the rest of my memory was also flawed, rendering all of my concerns and observations moot.

It’s Crazy Making—By Design

Many sociopaths are wordsmith wizards, skilled storytellers, and expert debaters. Beware, because the yarns they spin and the arguments they win tie you up in knots, divert you from the truth and leave you deflated, but they have nothing to do with a healthy discussion or productive conflict resolution.

Your negative feelings are an internal alarm signal that “something’s wrong here,” yet you are being encouraged to disconnect that internal warning system, as the sociopath gets you to associate the negative feelings with your own failings, not something wrong with the sociopath or relationship.

Are you necessarily aware of this dynamic? Probably not.

Over time you are likely to become increasingly unsure of your own observations and judgements as well as to give up trying to engage in a productive discussion, since trying to do that only makes you feel worse.  After all, when you do, your observations are invalidated and your negative feelings are twisted around so that your character flaws are the source of them all. The end result is that the sociopath is honest and perfect but that you are over sensitive, insensitive, accusatory, have a terrible memory, have no sense of humor, make your partner feel bad, etc.

Now that was fun!

Keep A Journal

If this is how you feel after trying to resolve conflicts with your partner, start keeping a journal, because befuddling, unsatisfying, and chronically one-sided resolutions to conflicts may be a strong indicator you are dealing with a sociopath. Your written record will help establish that fact long after your memory of past events begins to fade or is distorted.

BUT, it’s best to keep your journaling private and the journal itself safe.  Sociopaths live to control and manipulate others.  Your own journal will provide the sociopath with powerful weaponry to use against you.

Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.  As a “happy divorce” present, my ex-husband sent me a copy of my own journal.  Apparently, he surreptitiously gained access to my home months earlier, copied the journal and replaced it without me ever knowing he’d been there. Nice man!

(Identifying names, places, events and characteristics of “Paul—”not his real name—and others I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect their and my identity.)



Comment on this article

64 Comments on "Sociopaths–How They Lie and Why We Fall For It: Part 2"

Notify of

Great post!

Wow. This is all so true.

Thank you

Crazy making is right! I remember thinking over and over “This does not compute! This does not compute!” Once I saw him walking out of the gym with a woman I suspected he was having an affair with. He immediately went on the offensive, “Can’t I even walk out of the gym at the same time as someone else without you being suspicious about everything!” Later, after speaking with the woman, (who thought my husband and I were separated), she said, “Well, didn’t you see us walking out of the gym together? I thought you knew we were together. You never said anything and he said you were separated.”

As I read this I kept seeing myself, actually an image of myself, sitting in front of the psychopath, trying my very best to follow his ‘logic’ and ‘reasoning’. But I have this sort of stunned look on my face, as if I am in a trance. I remember feeling almost out of my body when he was manipulating me with words and obfuscation. My mind would go to sleep, and my body would go on red alert, with a pounding heart and sweats. My body kept trying to get me out!

This describes the eight years I spent with my spath. If my ex had gotten into my home and had stolen something that proved she had been there, I would have had her jailed quicker than you could say boo!

twenty years is a very long time to have had to deal with a sociopath. I don’t know how you did it. I am glad you are finally free!

This is exactly how communication was with my husband. I am very happy to say we have been separted for nearly two years now.

My experience agrees with Stout – pity play- beware beware! There is another technique which I don’t see mentioned but incorporates a bit of everything; I call it the Shaggy Dog tale. In folklore studies, a shaggy dog tale is a joke that tells a long, seemingly trivial tale that ends with a punchline that you didn’t see coming. The spath version of this is that let’s say you have an issue with them that you want them to acknowledge somehow, either through an apology on their part or an awareness and they just drag it on, bog down in details, use faulty memory, burst into tears so you apologize to them(!), denial, change the subject, focus on semantics, whatever. They are really just buying time so you do what most normal people do which is get over it and keep their supply going.

The best antidote to this is to realize how a normal person would behave if they cared about you but weren’t aware that they had hurt you. Namely, they would feel bad and apologize immediately. If you hurt someone you care about your concern is for their feelings. You work out the details later (misunderstanding, bad day, whatever) but you don’t want your loved one to be hurt or upset with you. If their only concern seems to be how to wiggle out of any sort of responsibility for their own behavior, than BINGO you got a socio! We are talking about adults here, of course teenagers and two year olds have their own rules…

Were there any clues before the wedding? It all started after? I have a suitor that is a socio and I fear he would only get worse if I accepted.

Infinity – if you believe that your suitor is a sociopath, get rid of the person immediately. Nothing good can come of an involvement with a sociopath.

Along my year and a half with my narcissist, I’ve questioned almost every behavior and technique that is listed, but all were individual hunches, as I didn’t connect the dots at that time and never suspected him to be this way. Funny thing, looking back, he and I even had the conversation that my ex prior to this guy was a narcissist, and this is where I researched just the tip of this terrible iceberg. Little did I know that my N was truly the narcissist, and my ex may have been too, but I can’t be certain, I can only credit him for narcissistic traits at this point. As I dive into all the reading and resources available, which I’ve cramming into every amount of free time possible, without my N becoming more suspicious, I am consumed with reflecting and connecting all these dots and confirming what I had suspected. I would love more than anything to share my story and to be heard, by someone, by anyone, but I’m not sure where to go to do that appropriately. My purpose at this very moment is to reach out and ask for advice because I’m sure I want to leave him. In fact, I’ve even had a restraining order against him before, but this was before I could blame narcissism due to my lack of knowledge. But as I’m convincing myself more and more, it’s sickening and I want to leave. I’m not married to him, but I did quit my job to work with him. He owns his own business and I go with him and help. I do not receive a salary, nor an allowance, but he does give me a card that he allows me to buy my day to day things, etc. Of course, this is to control me and I let him, because I had no other options (which can be explained if I told my story). But anyway, I moved to a small town with him (and my 8 year old daughter) and I’m terrified to try to leave. I have all my personal items combined with his, and I know that he will get violent, destroy my things, and threaten to destroy my character and reputation. His violence is getting more and more daring all the time. How do I leave quickly and safely….do I attempt to leave by surprise? Try to get a restraining order and then leave? I feel like I would certainly need protection to try to pack up all my stuff because there’s no way he’d just key me take my things. I don’t feel I can tell him I’m leaving because he’ll steal my items I value most, like my daughter’s baby videos which he’s stolen before. I not only have no job, but no money saved up because I trusted in him. No money, no job, no home, I’m scared. I could find a place to stay, but that involves transferring my daughter out of school, all of which will be hard to do and take him by surprise. I consider waiting until school is out, but looking ahead to the torture is sickening. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and advice thus far.

Iamenuf – the short answer is that you should plan your exit carefully – perhaps start moving things out of the house without him noticing. But you should also create an emergency bag – something you can grab if you have to leave immediately.

Do not tell him that you are planning to leave. Do not tip your hand at all. A restraining order may not be helpful – in reality, it is only a piece of paper.

The best time to leave is when he is not there. If you can’t manage this, then have some friends with you when you are leaving – preferably big, strong men.

There is more information in this section:

http://www.lovefraud.com/are-you-a-target/leaving-a-sociopath/

If you want to share your story, just send it to me via email at donna at lovefraud dot com. Please do not include identifying information.

Thank you, yes I certainly will share my story. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, trying to reflect on everything and put it into words for the first time, because I simply am never alone long enough to have pressure-free time to myself. He has a cameras in the house, which started as cameras for watching his dog when we are gone, but now I know that to be his cover story for other people who see them. I remember having ferocious fights about them, and if continually unplug them when he left for the day in the beginning, because I simply did not like my privacy being violated. Long and short of it, I’ve accepted it and resort to either spending my time in another room or just accepting that he could be watching me. So as I plan my exit, I’ll need to wait until he works out of town long enough to coordinate help moving my things. Over the last couple weeks, I’ve been coming to terms with the idea that I may just have to run – leave most everything behind, which is a hopeful of things that I brought to the table from my previous marriage. So I’d be starting over, with no belongings and no money saved. I’m trying to accept that reality of having nothing. I will not lie, it’s terrifying. I now that I’m very co-dependent, and look forward to learning more about that and finding myself, but that will come after I get away from him. He is actually going to be working out of town overnight tonight but I do not feel ready yet to leave. We just got done with a huge argument where I was standing by ground and secretly loved that he was trying to be distant. He’d stay away from me because he was angry that I didn’t give him what he wanted. And I liked the time alone. That’s how I found this site and crammed in three more books on the topic. But then he got tired of pleasing himself and came and gave me a little of what I wanted (little does he know that I no longer want it) and I gave in and allowed it. This was after being threatened to have my things destroyed and thrown out and locked out of the house, kicked out actually. I told him I love here and I’d leave if he wanted but he’d have to give me time to get my things. He said no, go now. So after the argument calmed slightly, I chose to give in and pretend I’m over everything that had been happening. This buys me time here, to learn and educate and develop a plan. I will write more, as I’m excited to finally be alone.

iamenuf,
This sounds like a very toxic and distressing situation.
Stay level headed as you are doing and make your exit plan.
Only you will know when it’s time.
Please stay safe.
SITC

Iamenough,

Hi, I am late on posting here, but I feel for you. I agree with them. Start quietly planning your escape. Act like your usual self. The camera thing is so unsettling. Do you have a car?
If anything you can leave one morning when you would usually take your daughter to school.
My ex socio’s girlfriend left one day while he was at work, she had 2 of his kids with her. Ages 4&7…..
She had no job and not much money.
She fled the state and went to her mom’s.
Good luck and God be with you.
I will finish reading these posts now.

I read this and I am in shock. I am so sorry this happened to you. Glad you made it to this site. Everyone here is so helpful. Everyone here has similar stories to tell. I must admit what has happened to you is the kinda thing they make TV movies about. Oh my god how frightening for you.
Good luck. Keep posting and reading.

iamenuf,
It sounds like he did a pretty good job of isolating you.
If you can check out thehotline.org
Its the National Domestic Violence Hotline and you can call or chat on line .
The phone # is 1800.799.SAFE.
There is lots of good info on the website and will answer questions like “is this domestic violence” red flags and resources.
I hope this helps.
Stronginthecity

Thank you. Yes I’m absolutely certain this is domestic violence. I have been certain of this for quite some time. The population around here makes it appear that it will get worse if he finds out I went to any threatening source like that, so I’m going to do as much as I can behind the scenes until the next step which would be leaving. Yes, I’ve dreaded being alone, but I’ve never felt more alone than when I do with him.

Odds are if you found your way here, to Donna’s website there is something wrong.
You stated that you have had a restraining order against him prior.
Did you drop the order or did the time on the order run out?
Are you married to this man?
You mentioned you have an 8 year old daughter.
Do you trust him around her?
Why are you terrified to leave?
SITC

I dropped the order at the time. He talked his way out of it. I regret that so much. But I also did that to get my personal items back. His excuse wad presented in such a way, in combination with my own rationale for wanting anything to offer an explanation for what was happening. Anyway, it was a lie. Again. I’m not married to him, but I am dependent on him. He had me quit my job that he helped me succeed in when we met so that “i could help him with his work” but now I’m certain it was to keep tabs on me. And since I don’t earn a salary, he just pays my student loan, car payment, and pays for groceries etc. He’ll let me buy clothes when absolutely necessary but he makes sure I know that it’s his money and he’s doing me the favor. I don’t get to save any money to buy anything I’d want without guilt.

You know, up to this point, yes I trusted him with my daughter, and part of me still might, but as I consider how big this is actually becoming as I learn more and more, I’m very careful to reflect the idea that he is capable of anything, and I’m not so trusting of him alone with her. Simply because of the unknowns, the unpredictable situations that I’m learning to acknowledge and respect.

ianenuf,
Hey there.
Hope all is well.
I heard that domestic violence shelters can help someone relocate, disappear if you will.
Change SS numbers, etc.
SITC

ATTENTION IAMENUF!

Identical situation & I registered here just for you..

I’m finally free since May of this year. Important,don’t post from your own computer or devices. Especially your phone, which he probably is paying for. Androids are easy to hack. If iPhone & it’s jailbroken, un jailbreak it. Never answer texts or emails, because you can be clickjacked. He can also go through your itunes acct.to access your PC. Go to the library, look up all of the ways you can be hacked, print it out. There are apps you can upload on your devices to see if he breached you as well as apps to that detect other spying devices. There’s even a way to use your camera,phone & red cellophane to detect for cameras. Check for trackers on your phone and vehicles. Demand the camera be removed. Trust, that isn’t the one one he has installed. You can check on Amazon for other spying devices, like pens or smoke detectors. He can even go through your dvr or television or apple tv. Be sneaky about this cause you’re gonna nail him.

I found out my path, who runs an IT dept. Installed a program known as AppleWebkit for Developers onto my macbookair, after I taped up the camera on my pc and cell phone. The AppleWebkit, the camera is in your computer screen itself. Check your computer logs. Place your computers Activity Monitor on your home screen & always check to see what programs are running, especially if the fan is going nuts. Find out what’s eating your CPU.

Mine did the same thing w/buying me clothes when I needed them & assured I didn’t work outside the home. I also found out he shared and sold some of my scat vids online & even installed a toilet cam. Once you find him on the machine, throw up the firewall & hide it. You’ll be taking it to a forensic computer place in the future. You need to secretly get a small storage space. Leave your phone home & shut off while you do this. Try not to take your own or his vehicle when going to the storage place.write down the info on the back of your Internet router. Write things down but do so in old catalogs or magazines he’s not sure to look at. At the library, look up how to take screen shots on your phone & pc..this is before you throw up your firewall.Delete him as a user on the account.Purchase a cheap trac phone, ringer off. As for fearing he’ll share your porn, please, let him! Provoke him to do so..that’s a FEDERAL FELONY! Print out the computer crime laws at the library.

Since, like my guy, he’d let me use his cc.Go food shopping or wherever. Save the receipts, return some of the items, saying you don’t have the card w/you, they’ll give you back cash if you have receipt. If you don’t have receipt, you’ll get reimbursed w/a store card you can redeem later. Also, when he would do food shopping, I’d jump to offer to put it all away,making sure I got the receipt from the bags (I’d stuff the bags in the bin & retrieve the receipt afterwards). I netted thousands of $ over time.

When you catch him spying w/surveillance devices, your local police mI got prove to be daft & cannot be trusted w/your porn. You will acquire a new email account, not connected to any existing account, file a complaint online w/FBI ice at library or friend’s computer. Don’t call the FBI, they are flippant, they get calls from freaks constantly & since you’re off balance & suffering from PTSD, you might just come off as unstable.

Find an advocate w/the police & you can reinstate the order of protection. Check w/a women’s shelter. Do it all on the sly & act like everything is normal w/P. Usually narcissistic, look up ways on how to use this against them. Slowly start storing things of value as you might need to sell them later. Also, when being crafty, cut the electric breaker off at home. When you turn it back on make sure to reset electrical items, like stoves et.al to the correct time. Don’t let them stay blinking.

I’ll follow this post up on how to catch him cheating and other things by tracking his phone #, linking his email accounts, finding dating profiles. Use pen and paper & if you are to journal, use catalogs or magazines. Hiding in plane sight. Use a flashlight under bedsheets or make a canopy over your bed with rope and sheets.

I’d send my P out to pharmacy if sick (probably germs he brought home from skanks). I’d say to by the top, priciest brand, then I’d return it, with receipt, get $16 in cash, then by equivalent at the dollar store. Hustle this user, get as much dirt on him as possible, then find a personal injury attorney when you’re safe and out of harms way. Get daughter & pets away.

This is how it’s done. F this using, empty trick

I’m really glad you mentioned these things. I’ve suspected this is happening, and I definitely respect the fact that he is very capable of doing all these things. I guess the best for me is to assume that’s it’s all happening, whether it is or isn’t. I’ve seen his search history and spy gear is a common one, second only to his porn fetish for frequented sites. I’ve had a GPS tracking device on my car before, and demanded it off, which is now off but in his vehicle (i’m sure for easy access to use again in the future). I could grab that and get rid of it, but if he notices its missing, then what’s next… Or I could try to grab it closer to the time I make a run for it. But if there is one, there’s likely more I’m assuming.

I love love love the idea of squeezing him financially. I’ve worked so hard with him only to be left unappreciated for much of the day to day things, always falling short, and never offering to pay me an allowance or anything. He always throws in my face how it’s his money, not mine, his business, etc, and when I say I earned some say in it, because of all the help I do for him, work that most men won’t do, he says he doesn’t really need me. Anyway, it usually ends with him telling me to go work then, but really he doesn’t want that at all, and will not allow it. Recently however, he’s added me to his bank accounts, probably because of persistence on my part, but that was before I’ve found this need to break free. I know I can remove myself from his business account, but for the personal account, we both have to sign off to close it. I’ve thought about withdrawing money from there, but I don’t dare st the same time because not only will that result in him becoming furious, but also what if he can write back checks or somehow put the account into negative standing and now I’m responsible for my half because I’m on the account. I’ve worked for nothing for him that it’s tempting to withdraw what I feel entitled to, but I don’t want to make things worse in the long run either.

It’s really odd, as the past few days I’ve been reading and reading and cramming as much as I can into my brain. It’s almost as if I’m out of my body, looking down at myself and situation, and I’m observing the things he says and does completely differently. I’m almost in a trance taking it all in and processing it as it happens, but then I forget that I have to live, and be present, without him knowing what I know. It’s truly an odd feeling. He asked me what I did all day when he got home and I forgot to prepare an answer that would work in case he had been logged in and watching on the camera. I need to do things quickly and just enough to stretch them out to account for all the hours of the day that I’ve been spending being a sponge.

Now since we’re not married, and my daughter is not his daughter, is there any sort of legal action he could take against me? I’m not saying I will withdraw money that I’m on the account for, but if I did, could that bed something he can sue me for? If so, I’ll just forget that altogether, and find other ways to round up money to support myself until I find a job. It’s a slow time for his business and I know he’s watching his accounts very carefully. I’d have to do it RIGHT before leaving him, if I did.

I’m guessing the answer to my next issue is probably going to be too learn to just let it go. However, I’m struggling wugh letting all my possessions go simply for the fact that I’ve never had much money at all. About three and half years ago I divorced my ex-husb, and I have all the household items like the furniture and kitchen stuff. That all adds up and makes me sick to think I’d prob have yo leave it all behind and then be stuck buying replacements when I don’t even have a job or any savings. I guess I just gotta do what I can, but it still leaves me sour. I wish I could have him arrested or detained so I could find people to help me move everything of mine.

What are your thoughts on trying to catch him spying on me? Is it worth my while to catch him? Or just assume it’s happening and run? I’ve thought about destroying the hard drive on his computers, and destroying his memory cards that I know he loves to jerk off to. But I’m not looking to incriminate myself in any way either. I’m not afraid to fight back somewhat though.

He’s gotten physical and I usually swing back, and when I connect, then he’ll usually give me some more but then turn to wanting sympathy for his “injury”. Loser. I’m not sure why I don’t call the sheriff when it gets like this. I did before and that’s how I got the restraining order the first time. But for some reason I haven’t determined yet, I allow it. Maybe secretly I felt it would show I’m not afraid of him…Idk really. I’ve saved all of our text conversations. I’ve recorded most of our phone conversations. I want to find a device that I can record for long periods of time that isn’t obvious because I’d like to get some of his other verbal abuse and threats recorded too, because I know damn well I’m not “the reason girls like me get beaten” as he so ignorantly states.

I have more to say, I’ll be back….thank you for reaching out to me. That alone is a wonderful reassurance to have people like all if you here to reach out and help and share. I’m truly grateful for that.

The physical part is not very frequent, because I think he’s afraid of exposing himself, but the fact that it happens enough to count on two hands, even that it happened at all, is wrong. I don’t want it to come offa if I’m misrepresenting anything. I haven’t had any black eyes or anything but definitely bruises and cuts from flying tools or hands on the throat.

I’m also tying to start a journal to record each day. As soon as I try to write the thoughts during through my head, it’s like something prevents it from making it to my hand. I’m worried that I won’t include all of it, just a personal oddity I guess. Anything down on paper is better than nothing.

No, you’re gonna beat him at his own game. When you make trips to library, look up other frivolous stuff, print those out..or check out books on your own interest. You’ve gotta cover yourself not to arouse his suspicion. Mine isolated me so I couldn’t depend on any friends. So the library it was. You WANT him to install the GPS on your car..then call or go to police dept. Take photos.you’ll need to buy a new phone & never give him the number.check your cloud and your devices. At library, check all your email accounts for hacking attempts, once you change your password.Print out all of the attempts to sign in.B/c a/you change your password, he’ll be making attempts to get back in.check your security settings. There’ll be an i.p. address attached to the attempted log ins. Maybe he’s not smart enough to use a proxy. Even though, a forensic computer expert can nail him.just start saving evidence. Don’t mess w/his hardrive, there’s a way if you’re sharing same network to get in there. Anytime you’re accruing things, make sure he is asleep. Let me know the brand of devices & I’ll link you to appropriate sites. My P used the notebook on my macbookair as a listening device, to boot. Just don’t let on. I used to love blasting a cheap Spanish language station so when he’d listen in, that’s all he heard. Bwaha. Tape over camera lense on phone (front & back) & pc..this will force him to find other ways to spy. One way I used to disable him is to add liquid melatonin to our nighttime tea. But be super sneaky, cause you’re being watched. Or I’d add it to drinks only he would drink. I’d sometimes park my car around the corner,pretending not be home, hide & watch him check all of the spying devices.
Financial is what keeps us hooked but there are ways to live cheaply and live for practically free. Visit freegan wiki page & follow the links. Request a bicycle for the holidays or get one at a thrift store. Claiming you want to stay in shape. You’re gonna need this in the long run b/c he will cut off your car insurance for control when he realizes he’s slipping.

Just let me know what devices you’re both using..& I’ll guide you. Also, let me know what state you reside so I can look up statutes and stuff.Wouldn’t it be funny if you’re close to me. Ha! Then you & your kid can come stay with me. I’ll be waiting on your reply.You are living my nightmare. Careful, b/c I almost got myself killed by him choking me out to pinpoint. If you don’t get out, you’ll damage your heart physically.

Iamenuf,

I am so sorry you’re going through all of this. This man sounds very controlling and dangerous. It doesn’t matter how many times he’s been physical, you know that he’s capable. Please consider reaching out to your local women’s shelter for saftey planning, if there is one in your area.

TheWrongOne brought up points that more of us need to consider. Cyber stalking and spying is very serious and happens more often than people think. I’ve been dealing with this issue for a long time and it’s still not all cleared up. It’s been expensive and emotionally exhausting. If a person knows what they are doing they can use/hack virtually anything these days for monitoring purposes.

Trust your gut. If you suspect he’s spying on you, then yes, I would assume the worst and run! Sorry if that doesn’t seem positive, I just know first hand the extent of how bad it can get. I’ve found the police to not be too helpful. Cyber stalking/monitoring is hard to prove and isn’t taken seriously enough. That’s not to say all law enforcement take it lightly, this is just in my experience.

Please be safe and move forward with caution. It sounds like you’re taking the right steps. You may have to start over and it won’t be easy but you and your daughter will have your lives back.

When you do get away from him, you may want to consider starting fresh with electronics.

In the meantime, trust your gut. It’s difficult to do when anxiety is involved. Pay attention to the signals your body gives you as well.

Prayers to you.
Xoxo

Yes, the police are useless & not savvy. Another trick, when things got physical I’d call the police. He’d run out there 1st to explain it was all me. Don’t leave the house or invite the police in. Most are psychopaths themselves. TALK through a window. If a cop is falling for his bullshit, call the dispatcher, let them know & demand another officer supervisor. The P, 2nd nature to lie. Let P say whatever in police report.you’ll fix that later. My P would wait til I had a few drinks, then get physical, escalating so of course when the cops showed up, I looked like the wack. Domestic violence was par for the course from this low rent poser.His mother always had cops at her home for domestic violence. Not I, I grew up in a stable loving home.they have no shame. I’m posting from a phone..my computer/phone is in custody, so forgive spelling mistakes.
It may take a good 2-3 yrs, but if you play your cards right,get evidence, hire attorney..your payout will be handsome & you’ll shut this predator down. Then we’ll all celebrate in Grand style at our victory vacation.

Oh yeah..& just to be a dick and save my sanity, the Spanish radio station was set to static. So not only did he have to listen to that, the dial was set off. Ha! Next, you’re gonna go f w/his car & slowly bleed him. I used to unplug the router every so often by accidently disconnecting it while plugging in the vaccuum. Also, don’t use your landline phone. He could have it rigged where the answering machine is used as a listening device. Unplug all landlines & answering machines. I’d love to know what this guy does for a living.

The support and advice is giving me this newfound strength. Just a feeling inside that I matter. With this empowered feeling I want nothing more than to leave him right now. But I need to get my ducks in a row first. I immediately have to turn up my acting abilities because knowing all of this, makes it incredibly difficult to not to tip him off. He’s communicating with me in his old ways, which are disgusting, and now I’m forced to pretend I’m interested and to say the awful words I love you so as not to tip him off, and maintain my “role” without causing suspicion. Yuck. I can do this though. He has this fetish. Basically I’m not enough for him. He insists I “be” with another man. Sometimes involving him in homosexual behaviors, and sometimes alone. He wants me to Sri things that humiliate him and that proclaim I enjoy what I’m doing. He knows I don’t like it. He doesn’t care. It’s gotten to the point that it was easier to pretend, even though I’m pretty sure he knows I’m pretending, than to have the aftermath of denying him this. He insists I record it. He texts me all the time about it. It’s like it’s the only thing on his mind. He’d rather masturbate to that video. And he always needs more and more…it’s never enough. Today for example, I’m not biting on his request for me to arrange this meeting while he’s gone for work (bc my new sense of empowerment is enough to make me throw up at the thought of doing it again). I don’t know how long I can hold it without an explosion coming soon, before I’m ready to escape. It’s becoming clear that I personally want this to be done way dinner than later. And a transition to a new school would be easier logistically if done over Christmas break. I’m trying to find the reasons I keep thinking I should wait for a better time, and the only ones I come up with are financial. Maybe if I stay longer I can secretly squeeze money from somewhere, if I can act the part well enough. The thought also crosses my mind that he could use these encounters with other people (always at his request) against me because he had video proof that I’m saying these awful things to him that I cannot believe I’ve given in to saying. It makes me appear terrible. I do have copies of all texting conversations between us that show him insisting I say them. But still, I can now predict this blowing up in my face, all the more reason I don’t want to do it anymore. On the flip side though, I’m not married to him, do not have kids with him, so I don’t think even if he makes me appear to be involved with someone else, I don’t think legally or anyway it could make me look bad, aside from looking promiscuous to others, which at this point, I don’t care.

He uses an iPhone 6, a Toshiba laptop, he just got a new iPad mini, he also has a desktop computer at his shop (which is covered in security cameras, and has a bunch of my belongings still in it – might have to let those belongings go, even though I have a key). I have noticed that upon hooking my daughter’s iPad up to our WiFi, in the list of scanned WiFi networks, sometimes there is one listed and named “private”. This could be a neighbor, or something he had going on. I never looked into it further. I use an android phone – HTC one. It’s time for a replacement due to water damage do more might be a great time to do that, but I would hope ahhh spying software on it wouldn’t be transferred over to a new one. Perhaps I should wait until after I leave. My phone used to be in his account, but during our breakup involving the protection order, I switched it to my own account. I can’t believe he’s let me keep it there for this long. He always demands access to the online account to check up on me, but I haven’t given it to him. He still posts the bill though. Well I do, with the money that I don’t earn by working for free with him.

He’s so disorganized, but yet very organized when it comes to manipulating me. But he’s lazy, sloppy, can’t find a garbage for anything, helpless with chores, and wants me to take care of paying his bills for him. I used to. I somewhat stopped, and things add up and eventually he gets pissed that he has to do it, and then I’m lazy, etc. But I feel like I’ve been given a good opportunity to leave, bc I didn’t pay his internet bill at his shop, and I think they disconnected it. This was yesterday he paid the past due. I don’t think they reconnect it until business hours, so I could have access to his shop with my things without his cameras being on. He’s out if town working, possibly overnight. He won’t tell me for sure, but I secretly caught him posing a small overnight bag. Can’t rely on that though. So not only is he away, but my things are not under surveillance. At home though, I’m still being watched I’m sure. I would need to coordinate done people and trailers if I want to escape with all my things and doing that at this very moment makes me feel rushed and underprepared. I hope another opportunity comes along because I want to feel a little more prepared than I do right now.

The trouble with preparing myself is that I’m rarely out of his sight. Lately he has been distant, probably due to me saying I want to be with him, not other men, and that’s not what he wants, but still not away long enough to have much of what I do go unnoticed.

My ex said the same thing…what do you think happens when girls act like that? Meaning talking back and mouthing off back to him.
I pray pray pray you have a safe exit from this prison.
I am enough.
You are.

Thank you for the info! Another lazy, sloppy disorganized loser. Look, you’ve just given me priceless info in your last posting. You have so much damned power & you’re gonna nail his balls to the wall! I’ve gotta run out, do some errands but, oh man, he’s setting himself up just by being lazy. Let me help you lay down the plan & now you’re in such a position to legally rob this guy blind.

Tell me his business type and the state in which you reside. I’ll be back tonight…oh your last post just gave me life! This creep is a carbon copy of my ex P.

It’s called playing the long game.
You’re gonna win this war & possibly be a very wealthy woman as long as you exercise patience.

Your spirit is contagious enough to give me hope. I’m looking forward to what you have to say. I’m sorry you had to go through it. What a hard lesson to learn. We reside in North Dakota. He has his own business. A small contractor. No employees.

They are no better than serial killers. Killing our souls.

I’m writing this in dribs & drabs b/c I’m building my Xmas window, as is tradition. Last year it was an Inuit village w/igloos, wigwam & mostly green twinkling lights wrapped in sheer fabric, replicating the Northern Lights. Cost me nothing, I’m just creative.

But this year? Orange Halloween lights w/twinkling bulb, string of old red lights stretched beneath it on pulse setting, representing fire. Using wire hangers & other wire…wrapping lights around that big bird. That big Bird being a PHOENIX rising from the ashes.

That’s right. When feeling defeated..think of that phoenix, ’cause that will be you, my friend

If it suited their purpose and got them what they want, there is nothing to stop a spath from being a killer. No conscience nor concern for the well being of others.

You might consider making your physical safety and psychological/emotional well being your number one priority in your plans to leave. It may be safer for you to keep things simple rather than try to maximize financial spoils from the situation, and/or try to exact revenge. The more contact you have with him the more you are at risk to be harmed and to experience more emotional harm.

You might consider making a mental list of priorities, such as getting away from him as soon as possible, preventing him from knowing your whereabouts, what material things you want most to take with you, destroying the compromising videos and pictures he has, etc.

Whatever you decide to do, consider your safety and emotional health, which may be best served by getting away as soon as possible, even if you lose financial resources.

Prayers for a life of peace and happiness for you soon.

Annette, your comment is so astute and right on. It depends on the situation of course. Like if you have family or friends to run to..you’re right. Your physical, mental safety should come 1st. Sometimes this isn’t feasible but yeah, today & on Thanksgiving, I gave thanks because I know this guy could have killed me. But sometimes you’re trapped. Depends on the situation. Something to consider is saving future victims & if you’re smarter than your abuser. So, you can just hightail it but if you can act and have no support, you can opt to play the game. I’m torn between my own advice and yours. IAMENUF will have to rely & trust her gut, her higher self. Because nothing will haunt you for the rest of your time on this earth knowing you could have spared a fellow human/sister this misery by just escaping. It’s really her call. If she opts for my approach, fine. If she opts for yours, fine too. But for me, I’ve got cats & rescue ferals who depend on me..so I opted for the Meryl Streep option.

I’m really feeling the wisdom of your post, Annette. IN the meantime, let me share some tips for those who maybe can’t just bolt right now. I also want to make clear, my advice does not entail revenge. My advice is to save a future victim so I can sleep at night. Future victim, their children and pets. Not everyone knows who they are and their strenghts.

P.s.- NEVER destroy evidence even if you come off as a dirty whore. The courts know this & have seen this Stockholm syndrome time & time again.

Thanks for your reply, and sharing your experience. I understand better your thoughts regarding protecting potential new victims. That was and is important to me in the choices I made dealing with getting out and how I manage remaining connections to my ex spath now.

Why is it best not to destroy evidence? My automatic response to a spath having a compromising video of is to find all copies and destroy them. What am I missing? How does Stockholm syndrome come into it?

Come monday, you’re going to open a p.o.box under the pretense of sending holiday presents in the mail to whomever. Then, so he doesn’t get suspicious, you will bitch about how long the line was & how inefficient the employees were. Keep it simple. Don’t go into too much detail or you’ll give yourself away.

This p.o box is how you’re going to be in contact with authorities, attorneys et.al. Don’t do anything online or digitally.

You’re going to scrape together the minimal amount needed to open a bank account that is within walking or bike riding distance from your home. Always turn off your phone and leave it home whenever you’re preparing for your exit. As far as scraping up money..what you’ve just told me about this lazy SOB, it’s a cakewalk. I’ll walk you through it. See, he’s spending all of his energy on his sex addiction & keeping his mask in place to outsiders. Disorganized and slovenly? Oh boy! This news to me is gold wrapped in platinum.You’re in a position to completely exploit this predator while taking one for the team (us).

Check F’ing Mate, MoFo

Wow, I equally appreciate both sets of advice. He knows if I left, I’d likely move in with family. And he knows where they live. I don’t think it’s going to be possible to hide from him. No doubt he will find me one day and follow me around. He used to regularly drive by his ex’s when we first met, and harassed her too, but see at the time he had my sympathy from some story that I now should question after learning all this. I don’t even have the energy to think back and line up timelines. At one point I tried, but gave him the benefit of the doubt, and it’s easier to stress over it. But now, I’m not going to give him any benefit of the doubt. I’m not even going to think back and try to figure out his lies at this point. I’ll just assume they exist. Anyway, the pollination of our state is not very large. The dynamics of the town I used to live in would provide some escape from him, if he continued to live in the smaller town we moved to, about an hour away. He does a lot of work in or old town so it’s likely he’d be around. I can easily set up my own po box. But there won’t be any lines and it’s such a small town, I’d hope that no one would tell him I was there. I could get one in my old town and have my mother check it for me. She’s been involved in this battle with him before, but is unaware of how bad it’s gotten since I defended his actions removed the order. I’ve been afraid that they’ll think I’m crazy and crying wolf again. I’ll tell her when I need to. Besides, my N is close with her and I don’t want her giving any of my plans away. Im really not sure yet what to do. I’m going to start with getting my own account that I can sneak and deposit any cash he gives me. I’m not looking to take what’s rightfully his, but just want to have what’s rightfully earned by me. He wanted me to quit my job in order to work with him. But yet, I have no say in any extra money. Only giving me the money to get the daily things we need doesn’t allow me to save anything for anything I want later. Our in this case, save to leave him. I’m close with my old boss but I knows he’s bored somebody to replace me and I doubt he’ll be willing to change that and let me back. And it’s a skilled trade, with not many other options besides starting my own business, or finding a completely different job.

If I were to call someone, would an attorney be something I need to look at? Because I’m not married to him. But I have texts that include multiple threats, including voice recordings of these. So, what, do I just go the police and say hey I got this and I’m going to leave him, please watch me because I’m afraid he’ll hurt me? It seems I tend to go to the authorities but end up being told nothing we can do until he does something.
I have a feeling this is all going to come down to timing. I need to get everything organized so that the next good opportunity he’s gone, I can just set the plan in action, fast. Get away, no explanation.

The other thing I’d like to do, is find out if he’s put anything on my phone. I tried a couple apps earlier today but they detected nothing that I wasn’t aware of already. I know he’s used these programs in the past with his ex, and he’s bragged about knowing all about them, and how I could never detect them. Is this true?

It sounds like you’re doing a great job of thinking about your situation and looking at your options to see what is best for you.

Are you safe posting here from his computer spying?

Good that you’re not married to him. Consider that the sooner you get away from him, the sooner you’ll be able to work and be productive in all areas of your life, and accumulate financial security. Spaths are such a drain on all resources – financial, emotional, time, physical and mental health, etc.

Getting an attorney could be helpful, but not all of them are knowledgable about domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse hotline staff are trained and are likely to be able to provide practical help to you in leaving. If you can get somewhere to use a computer safely, googling “domestic abuse hotline” gives some numbers.

If there is a domestic abuse shelter near you, the staff can provide advice on leaving and may be able to refer you to a helpful attorney. Shelters usually have resources for victims of domestic abuse who are not staying at the shelter.

Here is a free and very good detailed professional threat assessment questionnaire that may help assess how physically dangerous your soon to be ex may be: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ Going through the questions and reading the information helped me when I separated from my ex psychopath.

If you can afford it, you might consider getting a cheap trac phone and a safe computer he doesn’t know about to use for communicating privately, and keep using the phone and computer he knows about for everything else.

Take care.

If he has threatened you, you can report this to the police. It varies widely by location how the police handle it and how well trained they are in domestic abuse and violence.

It sounds like your ex is trying to control and frighten you by telling you he’s used spyware on other victims’ phones. It’s possible he could be spying undetected, but there’s not way to know whether he’s got spyware on your phone and whether it would be difficult to detect. Your intuition is likely to be accurate, and worth paying attention to your subconscious feelings. If you think there is a chance he is spying, you can take steps to protect your privacy.

I’ll get into this post tomorrow and boy, oh boy, with my East Coast NY advice..he’ll run screaming, although I’d rather Donna put us in touch. Please, you’ve nothing to fear when you learn what I have to share. I’ll stop him dead in his tracks. NY justice, just so East Coast. Contact Donna.

Nah, bleed this f’er dry. Play the game for a few months as you gather evidence & nail him. When you do bolt, make it a memorable holiday. Just to stick it to him, it’ll be February 14th, 2016.

Oh Annette, this is my last post to you as I feel the board and IAMENUF are in dire need of comfort, support & savvy advice.

Ignorance literally means lack of knowledge. I suggest you research computer crimes, get their federal codes (they’re in # form) and subsequent penalties. That’s research. That takes time and gumption. I can’t spend time educating you on these matters or explaining the repercussions of Stockholm Syndrome or PTSD. That’s for you to invest the time in. Being an educated person, this research is 2nd nature to me. Suing is an art form, btw. Just like I don’t have time to explain to a Wiccan the workings of quantum mechanics & theory of relativity in both realms of physics. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be tipping off others here with my well earned tech savvy knowledge. What a root kit really is and the computer language of Python. Windows vs. Ios platforms and how to beat a psychopath at their own game

You see, we the victims are good souls.Empaths, they say. The Universe will always take care of us but why suffer at the hands of these predators? Now, let me get back to my Dakota who seems to really deserve my attention and support. If you’d like, after proper research, sit back and learn a trick or two.

Respectfully, “oh, he got the WRONG ONE to mess with”.

Bon Soir! & Bon Chance

Iamenuf, honey, you’re confused. He’s no idea who was in the post office. Nobody can prove anything. Grab those discs,double wrap ’em plastic bags for now & hide them under the multiple plastic bags you use to replenish the wastebasket in your room. Before you move them onto the storage space. You have family. I’ve had nothing & my one older sibling lives close to the Arctic & has her own problems.

Since he’s a slob, overtime start to gaslight him..move objects, only for him to find them accidentally kicked under bed. Complain about your own things missing & then magically finding them in the vaccuum cannister or bag. Say, it sounded weird, lucky I didn’t break the vaccuum. Play dumb but start extracting evidence from now until February. If you think you’re being watched, act it all out.

Then tell him you’ve been thinking about things & you’d like to see a therapist. Tell him, after a few sessions, you’d like him to meet the therapist & for those 2 to come up w/a plan to have both your needs met.the 2 being him and the therapist. See the therapist once, make him pay, say the copay or initial consultation is more than it is..or just find a therapist, walk into an office and grab a business card. Get not a check, but cash from him. You can drive your car, with phone in car, on of course but in the car. Take that $60-100 dollars, set it aside for an escape.

My favorite ploy was when P agreed to have my full head or half head of highlights done. He wanted the trophy girlfriend. I’d tell him it was $170 plus tip. I just went to some discount salon, hair head of highlights $60 plus $20 tip. I’d pocket the rest. Building my nest egg. Then, when property tax rolled around, I’d say I fucked up, payed too late so the half was $10k plus.2xs a year I’d net about 5K in profits. Nothing compared to his online obsession w/paying out camwhores. Not to mention other expenses I’ve found a/I kicked his using, fronting skankin ass outta here!

If he’s leaving the bill paying up to you, exploit the crap out of it but always legally. I’m a straight up good, soul loving person but my higher self kicked in b/c on some level, I knew something was amiss I knew I was being used and abused. Look, not only is this fronting parasite using you to seem normal, he’s robbing you, a real upstanding mate and all of their family members who deserve your light
So take ’em for EVERYTHING and even that won’t compensate for your life years wasted & precious energy wasted trying to school these low rent have nots on how the rest of us live

Oh and on Feb 14th, 2016, choose the hoighty-toity place in town & tell him you made reservations there, w/a hot guy who seems straight but is “questioning” his sexuality. Make him drive, tell him you’ll be waiting..find a better town. Tell him to bring champagne. Make him go the distance, put in an order at a local restaurant with his name to pick up b/he enters the room..this will give you a good head start to be long gone w/the rest of your belongings.

This is just part1, part 2 is the federal cRiminal case and part 3 is the civil suit in the million $.

Part 2b will be if he tries to violate that order of protection. Hemorrhage & gush blood via legal fees. Told ya not to mess with the pure one.

Part 4, hopefully a bridge, shotgun or rope. These people should have never been born. The world won’t miss you, skankadoodles. Buh-bye

Thanks for your thoughts.

Would you explain what specific statement in my post is harmful advice and why?

I hope that folks will carefully consider all options and use what they find helpful and reject what is not helpful to them.

Annette, 1st let me express my apologies to you. I was being a bit harsh yesterday.

Never destroy any evidence. Store it for safety b/c that may just be a make or break situation in a criminal or civil case down the road. It may not only expose the victim but the perp as an emotional abuser. It also puts him at a disadvantage because he won’t want his fetishist exposed. If his victim doesn’t care about the exposure, he has nothing on her. Ball is in her court, right before she nails them to the wall.

Another tip in finding a lawyer familiar w/these types of cases, especially Internet crimes is to search for similar cases in the news. Then find out who represented the victim. It’s easy to find a defense attorney if you committed the crime, not so easy for the victims. Just do a search and you’ll see.

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171619

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers.and don’t you bitches ever forget it

That perches in the soul

iamenuf,

I’m having trouble sleeping and am reading through posts. I’m concerned about you.

It’s great that you’re considering all the advice that is being offered to you on here. At the beginning of my healing proccess I wanted to so much take in everything everyone was saying on this site (I tried!). Sometimes it was a lot. At some point along the way I figured out that my inner voice is the advice that matters most. That said, I value this site and most of the advice that’s been given. It has helped me tremendously.

Please consider not sharing too much information on this site (i.e., personal information, plans to escape, etc). There are trolls on here, as it’s a public site. Not to say don’t share at all, just share with caution. It’s better to stay caustious (not parinoid), especially if you suspect being montitored. I only say this from experience, my time on here included.

Bottom line, regardless of any advice given on here, including mine, do what feels right to you. Let no one tell you of what steps you need to take. Accept the advice and guidance that feels right to you. All of our paths are similar yet our journey is different. Our spaths may be similar, but they too are different from one another. You know your situation better than any of us.

Your safety, emotional well being and daugheter are priority right now. Saftey plan. Consider keeping your next steps simple. A solid plan. One day at a time. I’m sure you are already feeling overwhelmed enough as it is.

You can do this.

Xoxoxo

KO,
I agree.
SITC

Iamenuf, I know it really helped me to read sites on sex addiction. Especially the support sites with various women posting comments. What really opened my eyes was when a woman posted her husband was in his early 80s & still spending their retirement money on cam girls. That really opened my eyes. That was my turn around.

I learned that the sex addict needs to up his high so he’s constantly prospecting. Prospecting.

I’m getting your guy might be a closet case
Maybe using you as a beard? Maybe that’s why the misogyny? Something to think about. Afterall, you’re in a small town. Imagine if you dwelled in Manhattan. If he is closeted, then there’s your duper’s delight Donna speaks of.

I’d get myself tested for STDs. Yes, if you can prove by gyro visits that you’d been in the clear & now you’re not…there is a lawsuit right there. Yes, you can sue over this.

People think using condoms is a safety net. It is because the other parts of the body that make contact down there are vulnerable.

As I’ve always suspected, it has been recently proven that you can catch periodontal disease by kissing someone who has it. It’s a mucous membrane, after all.

I know of personally one individual, passed on & actor Michael Douglas will tell you, their throat cancers were caused by an STD. HPV.

I hope this information will give the strenghth to our members here to move on.

Besides your raising cortisol levels you can actually be inviting death and a whole host of medical problems.

My phone autocorrects. I meant to say that condoms DO NOT protect your outside part of your genitals. You can still get herpes,HPV scabs et. al. Those two diseases are permanent. They’re viruses.

Something to think about next time you find yourself submitting to or pining for these skanks.

still waiting to get my lifeback

Everyone goes through hell, but not everyone stays there. Stop tormenting yourself by reliving the pain over and over. Good people go through terrible things, but wise people know when and how to let it go. Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness. Love a person for who they are and how they treat you, not by how they look or what they give you. You can recover from financial loss buy it’s worse too lose something or someone money can’t buy.

Stillwaiting,
This site has been my lifeline since 2013.
I still remember the day I found it during a time I was so confused and I just typed what I was feeling into the google search bar and within a few days was on the phone having a consultation with Donna during my lunch break.
I still have the hand written notes I took during the phone call.
I just looked at them a few days ago.
I have always been the type of person who needs to understand what happened and why before I can move on.
This “journey” if you will has opened my eyes and my faith in God to a level I have never experienced.
I never thought I would be starting over..again at my age but feel it’s necessary to do.
Watching someone you love die before your eyes will do that to you.
I will never change me..I have just inserted boundaries into my caring nature and will implement the when the warning bells start ringing.
I am still working on that little word “no”
Something changed, and it’s because I started loving myself instead of seeking it in others.
Hugs to you all.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity

still waiting to get my lifeback

Strong,
You are paying it forward. I watched the videos on YouTube that you suggested to another person. That guy is really good and on point. I like that he post from his car and is a straight shooter. Also, I signed up for the free webinar. I didn’t purchase because right now is not a good and she had a YouTube video as well. I was reading a post on Facebook about and this one lady left a comment and her story sounded like mine another person commented and told her to come to this site and of course I click on it. I literally was reading for like 5 or 6 hours straight. I felt so much better knowing that I wasn’t losing my mind. That in itself was comforting and process begun.

still waiting,
Thank you! I try.
When I see something that has helped me I want to share because was like a recipe; a little of this a little of that.
The webinar..Melanie’s?
Did you do it yet?
I have done 2 because i wanted to see if they were all the same and they were not.
The first one was July I think and was a little better than the recent one about a month ago.
I did purchase the silver program and was disappointed they were all mp3’s and they are all the same principle so she did refund my money.
I did experience a hugh shift during the first one.
Another youtube I highly recommend is inner child healing I love Jason Stephensons meditations.
Assc Direct on you tube answered my questions in an email which I thought was so nice of him to take the time.
I stay off FB, never was a fan so thats easy for me!
The meditations were paid forward to me by remembertoforget and keepingon.
I go through my times when I dont look up anything for awhile and just do other stuff, like look for jobs!
I love Melanies videos, she says “theres nothing more to do”
I love that!
This does get better, I promise.
SITC

still waiting to get my lifeback

Thank you the webinar and the video was by Melanie. How cool of AssocDirec to respond to your email. He tell you in some of the videos to contact him if you have any questions. Happy to hear he responded. I will look for Jason meditation videos. Again, thanks for sharing.

Send this to a friend