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By February 2, 2017 41 Comments Read More →

Sociopaths Lie Even When The Truth Would Work Just Fine

Husband Liar Sociopath

Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 38A:

I always considered Paul honorable and honest, so it took me an embarrassingly long time for inconsistencies in his version of events to register as what they were””lies. I knew my husband had faults and, in all likelihood, had had an affair with Anne-Marie, but it never occurred to me that he was fundamentally dishonest and a chronic liar. But I could not escape the observation that Paul lied seamlessly about even the smallest things.

One night, I asked Paul if he had locked up the house. That task typically fell to me, but I was not feeling well and had already gone to bed. “Of course,” Paul replied. The next morning, I was up before Paul and noticed that the front door was unlocked and a window in the kitchen was wide open. From then on, when Paul told me he had locked up, I found an excuse to get a glass of milk or leave a note for myself in the kitchen, only to discover that Paul had lied about locking the house for the night. Perhaps it was just too beneath him or too much effort, and it was easier to lie than take the extra minute to check if the doors were secure and his family was safe.

Sociopaths lie for the sake of lying. They lie about little things. They lie about big things. Some people have observed that sociopaths will even lie when telling the truth would be more advantageous. Others have observed that sociopaths lie not only to cover up questionable and even nefarious activities but also to feel in control and to manipulate others for the sheer fun of it. Why lie about locking the house for the night or taking the dog for a walk or forwarding a phone message? That’s just what sociopaths do. Dishonesty and chronic lying are their hallmarks.

One summer evening, on Daniel’s twelfth birthday, we planned for Paul to pick up a pizza and be home no later than 6:30. I called in the pizza order. Paul knew the timing was important, because I had to leave by 7:00 to get both children to their sports practices forty minutes away. Daniel wanted a special mushroom and pepperoni pizza from his favorite pizza place, which happened to be close to Paul’s office.

Daniel, Jessica, and I waited and waited. Six-thirty came and went. No Paul, no pizza, and no phone call. At 6:50, I called Paul’s cell phone. No answer. At 6:55, there was still no sign of or word from Paul. Just as we were about to get in the car to leave, Paul pulled into the driveway. He got out of his car holding a pizza. It was 7:02.

“Where are you going?” he asked, his voice laced with annoyance.

“Practice. We’ll just heat up the pizza when we get back,” I said.

If you are a reasonably normal person and you did not get home on time with a pizza requested by your pre-teen son on his birthday, what would you do? Wouldn’t you apologize and try to do your best to make it right. Not if you are a sociopath.

First, a sociopath does not care that his son is disappointed or hurt. With no empathy, a sociopath does not have even a flicker of concern for another human being’s feelings, even those of his own child.

Second, a sociopath cares only about himself. The only true emotions he can experience are anger and frustration. (A sociopath can experience pleasure and pain, but those are sensations, not emotions.) Paul felt frustrated and angry that he took time to stop whatever he was doing to get a pizza and to get home before he really wanted to be there. Now his family was leaving, and he would be alone (something he detested, because sociopaths dislike being bored), and it was not even the kind of pizza he liked. The fact that he knew his family had to leave at 7:00 did not mitigate the fact that he was the one who had been inconvenienced and he was the one who felt abandoned.

Third, a sociopath never thinks he does anything wrong, because he is an inherently superior being. If something has gone awry, it must be someone else’s fault. As always, I was a convenient target of Paul’s blame. I had grown accustomed to being held responsible for everything from misplaced credit card invoices (I had not figured out yet that Paul took them on purpose and hid or destroyed them so I would not notice his spending on “extracurricular activities”) to having no socks to wear (the fact he never put them in the laundry hamper was my fault somehow) that I hardly noticed.

Start from the beginning:

Chapter 1

Go to previous chapter:

Chapter 37B

Notes

Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.



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41 Comments on "Sociopaths Lie Even When The Truth Would Work Just Fine"

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Hi One Joy, so nice to see you! I’m sorry for what you are going through with your narcissistic father. I do remember your description of him well. First, I’m wondering if you have a legal aid society where you live? If not, you might consider a prepaid legal service. For $17 a month, you can get free legal advice. I have used both of those services in the past many times, and they were lifesavers for me. Knowledge is power, so you should at least find out all your options and what you can do. Hopefully, once you take action, you will start to feel better. I’m sorry for the suckiness of having to deal with P.O.S.parents. Been there.

It will be especially important to find out your legal entitlement and how to fight him in court. As you know, it’s pointless to share your actual feelings of anger and disappointment with him, so you may need to process that separately. For what it’s worth, I think it takes a LOT of guts to face the pain of growing up with narcissistic parents. And it takes strength. I think you’re up for it. You’re a smart cookie and an amazing woman. You can do this.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi Star,

How is your life?

Legal aid will not take this, nor will the uni. legal aid. I had reached out to a lawyer early last week that might take this on contingency…but he did not get back to me yet. I finally got through to the real estate broker…the land is sold.

I will still pursue dealing with the trust through the lawyer.

my dad is a horrible man. this pain I am feeling – it’s on him. He has tried to convince me to the contrary, but no, it’s on him.

Best,
one joy

I have written on the site in the past( probably in 2012-2013).
recently I had some disturbing information that I would like to discuss with someone whom I had corresponded with online. I do not recall her username, however she was struggling with the reality that not only was her ex, but her children involved with attempting to do her harm.
If anyone should remember her, please post onsite.

Thank you for any help you can give.

Annette,

Hi, ((HUGs)). I can so relate to your experience and pain.

I have spent a lot of money divorcing my exspath and then getting the assets from him.

I have found that if you go directly to the source , realtor, court ect, that people are generally kind and honest. Contact the real estate agent who listed the land. Trust me, they do not want an issue with ownership. They might even be able to provide you with resources.
Also, take whatever paperwork or proof you have and go to your local court and see if you can do something about claiming the land.

Here is the key to finding success. You have to do this without calling out the behavior of the narc. I know this because at points I felt crazy, I sounded crazy. This, LOL, did not help me in any way. Try and have all of the facts and information in writing so that you can leave a copy behind. Trust me when I tell you attorneys are not necessarily the only people that can resolve this for you.

Good Luck-

Discovering,

I think that your comment is probably meant for one/joy_step_at_a_time. This poster posted about issues that you address here.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi discovering, unfortunately, it’s too late to deal with the real estate agent. my land is no longer mine.

Best,
One Joy

That is terrible news. I am so sorry to hear.

The proceeds from the sale are somewhere, and you are entitled to them. It’s a crime to steal from a trust. There is probably some court official who has jurisdiction over the trust, possibly the Commissioner of Accounts or similar. You may be able to go directly to the local courthouse and get some help. Your father can be criminally charged. Do you have copies of the trust documents? What attorney drew them up?

I just ran across a recommendation for this on-line legal help site in an email newsletter for abused women. Maybe this is a resource that could help you get some legal information inexpensively to help decide whether to take further action. http://www.justanswer.com/

You might consider looking into the possibility of recovering the assets that your dad is stealing from you through legal channels.

from Bonnie Kaye’s newsletter:
“One of the most difficult problems for our women is having the financial resources to hire an attorney to learn about your rights during the divorce. Sometimes just a first consultation can run $1,000.00, and then several hundred dollars per hour. Even when you have a phone call, you’re billed in time slots of 15 minutes which can mean $100.00 or more for a short question. When you have limited resources, this may seem impossible.

Now there is a solution. JustAnswer is a service that can save you a lot of money and give you peace of mind. They cover family law in the US and in Canada, as well as medical problems, computer problems, home repairs, and veterinary problems. I have never had to wait more than an hour to get a response from an expert, and most of the time, I get a response within minutes.

I pay $36.00 a month for peace of mind, and there is no time limit. You can order the service for a month or keep it on-going like I do. I’ve asked legal questions for a number of you already, but I always advise our women to get the service. You can ask as many questions as you like. I have asked many questions about medical problems in my family as well as computer advice. I think it’s so wonderful to have your own team of experts for such a wonderful service. The link below will take you to the Family Law link, but you can ask any question to try it out yourself. Give it a try””and let me know what you think. There’s no cost to try it out on any topic””legal including divorce and custody, medical (live doctors on line!) or computer problems. This can be a deal breaker. At least you can get a lot of preliminary answers before you have to get a lawyer to go to court which will save hours of time and hundreds if not thousands of dollars.”

Here is the family law link referenced in the newsletter. https://trk.justanswer.com/SH86

One/joy It might be worth a try. The lawyer who drew up the trust has a copy. My mom had a trust and the lawyer who wrote it has the copy.

Annette- Thanks for the information. This can be useful to many.

wpDiscuz

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