Not long ago, a woman from the Philippines contacted Lovefraud. She had been involved in a long-distance relationship (LDR) with an American man whom she met over the Internet. This woman, we’ll call her Juanita, fell in love with the guy, even though she never met him in person.
Juanita sent her story to Lovefraud—a shortened version is reproduced below. But first, a bit of background. Juanita is separated from her husband and has a child. But although she’d like to find a new husband, she is trapped, because divorce is not legal in the Philippines.
Looking for companionship, she turned to the Internet—which is what thousands of Filipinas do. In fact, the mail-order bride business, matching men from America, Europe and Australia with women from the Philippines, is booming.
Apparently some Filipinas have found love via the Internet, but not Juanita. Here is her story:
Bewitched from afar
I met G online over a year ago. I’ve resorted to this kind of medium because I’m hoping to find someone who could be a good husband and father to my child. Not a few women here in the Philippines have met their current partners through the Internet.
Although we only saw each other through pictures, some videos, and webcam meeting, G managed to deceive me not only through the chat screen, but also through daily phone talks that got me addicted. And although he didn’t ask for money from me, I did buy and send him stuff as my way of taking care of him. He did his share, too. But thinking about his efforts, it’s undeniable that he did those to earn my trust back after I caught him cheating online the first time. I should have learned my lesson from that, but I opted to give him a second chance because I loved him.
[The police arrested the American for chatting with a minor online and then arranging to meet her.]
Throughout his jail time for almost four months, G and I didn’t correspond. When he got out, he emailed me, apologizing for what he did and hoping that I’d still talk to him. I accepted his apology, thinking that his incarceration could have reformed him. And even if he said he had no intention of rekindling our failed affair, he wooed me back, saying he’s learned his lessons and would make it up to me.
Our “second chance” lasted for almost 10 months. He proposed marriage a week before his scheduled jury trial and sent an engagement ring that he crafted himself. He asked that I let him talk to my parents so he could tell them his intention and our plan. This move really made me think that he’s a reformed man.
With our daily phone talks, I didn’t think he would go online again to chat with other women. And thinking about it, he must be laughing so hard whenever he gets to make me believe that he’s being faithful with me—and that he truly loved me.
I discovered that he made another Yahoo account and replied via email to Filipinas who posted personal ads on craigslist. He was able to chat with other Filipinas again and lured three or five of them to have online LDRs with him. He even e-mailed a female best friend who has been in love with him, asking her who would he pick among the 11 Filipinas he was able to snag online.
I felt so betrayed. And I was very much sincere with him to the point that I defended him to my family and friends who disliked him. Apparently, jail time didn’t reform him at all because he did again what got him into trouble in the first place. And it doesn’t matter if he’s no longer chatting with women from Arizona or that he introduced me to his friends and siblings over the phone. Those acts do not erase the fact that he just used me and played with my emotions and vulnerabilities.
Out of anger for learning about his online infidelity the second time, I called him. My phone credits were limited, so he called back and we talked for two hours. He denied registering another account and flirting with other women online. I told him that I’m mad, yet at the same time I pity him because he’s really sick—a pathological liar and porn addict. I told him to stop victimizing women, for he has two daughters whom he would not want to be hurt the way I got hurt by him. Knowing what I know now about sociopathy, it’s doubtful if being sent back to jail and attending classes to modify his thought process and behavior could transform him.
I know by this time some of you are thinking how stupid and ridiculous I am for even spending time to narrate this whole drama. It was an online LDR thing, yes…but somehow, the way we behave online speaks of how we behave offline as well. And I was very much sincere with him, believing that we had a commitment.
I’m sure most of you will tell me to move on and celebrate because I got out of a relationship with a man who is troubled. And I agree with you. But at this time, I’m struggling to do that. And if you ask me why I fell for someone like him…I’ve got no answer to give because it’s hard to rationalize something irrational.
What G did to me is really painful. I could have offered the love I gave him to someone deserving. I really thought my search for my second and last mate is finally over with him, but I was wrong. And from this hurt, I find myself becoming ambivalent—shaking my way towards reaching the healing point because I’m still blaming myself for what happened, for allowing a man like him into my life simply because I succumbed to the loneliness of being a single mom, failing to love myself positively. I long to love and be loved, but not the way he subjected me to. It’s unfair, but I know I need to forgive myself—and also forgive him before I could move on completely.
Dreams come true
Juanita’s story illustrates an important reason why we fall for sociopaths: They promise to make our dreams come true, and we believe them.
This is especially true with online dating. As explained on Lovefraud’s Online Seduction page, when we correspond with someone over the Internet, vital information is missing. We can’t evaluate the person’s appearance, body language, grooming and tone of voice. We don’t even know for sure if we’re corresponding with a man or a woman.
With so much information missing, what do we do? We imagine the person to be what we want him or her to be.
And, according to Dr. Esther Gwinnell, author of a book called Online Seductions, we take it a step further. “Because you have none of the usual cues to bring you back to reality,” she writes, “you may begin to attribute important qualities to the person, especially idealistic and romantic qualities.”
Trapped and lonely, Juanita was dreaming of love, and thought she’d found what she was looking for. The American, however, simply played with her dreams, perhaps just to amuse himself.
That’s why this whole experience was so painful for Juanita. Even though she talked to the American frequently, she was never physically with him. Much of the relationship, therefore, was in her own mind. She couldn’t end the relationship by kicking the guy out the door. She had to kick him out of her mind—and out of her dreams.
I recently blogged on “Cut and Paste Personality”an article from the WSJ about online daters who steal profiles from others- in otherwords nothing they present is real.
I am sorry this man took advantage of you. But you will see—day by day you will get stronger from making choices for you.
That is the dilemma with online ‘dating’.
Everyone’s life is busy. It seems like a logical way way to meet people. It is sad that a lot of social situations are an opportunity for a predator.
I signed up with a singles site, but I feel like I am putting my hand into a dark grab bag. I have received several e-mails from men that escalate into undue and untimely flattery. I am very watchful of the abnormal signs. Someone who is a sycophant is a HUGE RED FLAG.
I am not easily manipulated anymore…since I grew up being manipulated, and as time passed, my S would actually TELL me how he worked his victims (of course he swore he never did it to me…eh, yeah, right).
I know that talking on the phone, and chatting over e-mail for a pro-longed period of time naturally builds an unrealistic bond with a person. But all the websites almost insist that you speak on line for a prolonged period, then move to phone calls..then arrange a meeting…uhhhhh – I just can’t do it..because I know I am going to miss all those physical clues!!
How do I tell these potential partners that, although I have a profile online..it is for introduction purposes only. That I prefer to get together in a nice well lit, well populated place for a proper introduction? That speaking through the computer and on the phone robs us of essential contact needed to really evaluate an attraction? How do I say this, without sounding like a predator myself?
I want to go back to the old fashioned way, you see someone across the way, there is eye contact, or introduction by a friend, you feel the attraction (ahhhhh fermones), and a possibility has been born. But jobs, children, and age make the dating pool even more shallow. Older we get, our potential partners seem to be either already married (and unavailable one would hope – unless they are sick..ha ha ha), just out of a relationship and not interested in another, or are really on the prowl for the younger partner, just so they can say they can.
So, how do I communicate my above questions without appearing either paranoid, or like a predator myself? Taking all suggestions.
RW-
First- don’t apologize or explain. I personally think any man who wants to date, would liek to meet in an open,safe local. Cuts through the crap fast.
I’d just state that upfront in the profile, make sure it reads in a SAFE
plae…no sex till marriage, o marriage under year. Background check.
Don’t flag down, red flags!!!!
How do you tell them without appearing paranoid or like a predator? Just like you did : “I prefer to get together in a nice well lit, well populated place for a proper introduction. Speaking through the computer and on the phone robs us of essential contact needed to really evaluate an attraction.”
If they ‘spook’ and run, it means one of two things. (1) THEY are closeted predators or, (2) they are paranoid and probably not worth meeting anyway. Unless of course you want to meet a paranoid person – hahaha.
It is only when you do meet them in the flesh will you be able to see the red flags. Remember, the longer they hide behind a monitor the greater the chance that something is up.
We are at an advantage now… we have become aware. Many haven’t.
righteous woman. i am doing the internet dating thing too and its a minefield but you have to be aware and i too like to meet and talk on the phone first without too much email or texting and i keep it pretty impersonal till i meet someone. cause people tend to think cause your emailing you know each other which i dont think so. also check out the dont date him girl web sites and others that list past bad experiences with online dating they name names and its helpful if you have doubts about anyone.i did this and was suprised that some guys that contacted me were on these lists . also there are some nice guys on these sites and like you i am older and not meeting many people in normal circles anymore the choices are limited now for us. i am finding that some men on these sites are coming out of the samething like us and are basically good guys whos marriage havent worked out or what ever but just be very aware . also dont write a profile that will entice the wrong guys like put anything sugestive on it to make a guy think wow ive got one here. just keep it honest and open about what your looking for.but there is a fine line i had to laugh a girl friend of mine who just came out of a bad relationship with a guy who was married with kids, she wrote on her profile; i dont want anyone whos been married, or is married who has kids or baggage no bastards ive been there before and dont want to go there again. i thought my god you cant write that no one is going to contact you just sound bitter and twisted . and so she toned it down a bit before posting. but thats how she felt i guess. so just dont be too anti i would say.all the best with it you can meet some nice peole even just a s friends. its nice to have something social going on. its a shame that my social circle pretty much died after a broken maraige and then the s path came a long. so the internet has opened up som ething for me and i try to be positive. i will say it is very competitive and being older makes it hard when i find some of the men i am interested in on these sites are younger and have less baggage, but you just got to try. will admit i dont find my self as attracted to them a s i was to the s path, but i am trying. see how you go .
using our dream s; this is so true mine used my dreams he made it his bussiness to findout what i wanted in life most he just asked me and i thought well if your trying to get to know someone its a fair questoins so i told him, big mistake. he then tried to be everything i wanted. but when you start to become aware something changes in this relationship. i noticed a change when he found out i had looked at his phone bill, it was like he didnt love me as much anymore cause i was questioning things he did. the more i questioned the less into me and our relationship he was. he seemed to hate me being able to look into anything he did. onenight i remember not long before we broke up we w ere going out family bbq i said to him you dont need your phone iam taking mine i wanted him to go out with me for once wihtout taking his phone well he didnt like this sugestion at all i suspected he was expecting a call or msg thats why i had said this. anyhow he kicked up a stink saying i didnt trust him blah blah. so he took it in the end .at the bbq i watched him closely to see wether he took calls or msgs. i didnt really see anything but he was known to go to the bathroom and use his phone i caught him doin this once before. anyway it upset me to think he couldnt just leave his phone at home for one night out with my family. as it turned out the next day i had to work it was the weekend and i found out he met up with a girl that day and never told me i only found out by checking the phone bill my gut was right. i was at work earning money for us and he was out with another girl, she must of even picked him up at our apartment in her car. how daring is he that no one told me they say them a neighbour or anyone. but i foundout and confronted him with it. this big blow up led to himleaving me. he said you wont have to put up with my lies anymore cause im leaving you. i wonder how many others he met up with when i was at work i often had to work weekends. i wish that they would teach young girls at school about these sort of men it seems ironic they teach us about sex education but not emotional intelligence, and nothing about s paths or any other sort of person that is out to harm you. it should be part of high school education. i wish someone told me about these people i would have been more aware. instead you just grow up thinking youknow it all and that most men are good people and the truth is that a lot arent. young woman need to be educated about these life experiences and maybe this would stop so many getting hurt and lifes ruined. it needs to be taught before they enter into the age of relationships happening. i had some amazing boyfriends in my younger days but i ended up marrying a alcoholic who was prob a spath, an then later on in my life when i thought i had learned my lesson i met and fell in love with s path. i always wish i had picked some of theother guys i knew when i was younger. if i have a daughter i am sue going to teach her about all this stuff and guide her in her right direction.but my mother had told me not to marry my ex husband, i thought i knew better i should have listened. we need to educate young woman so much.
About Internet Dating…
I am just not doing it anymore. I have done the whole talk on the phone forever thing and somehow there is something you miss. And the thing you miss over the phone is the thing that tells you “No.” Also, I have found that you can talk until you are blue in the face and then you will find in person that you just don’t feel anything… and then you feel vulnerable because you talked to someone as if you knew them… or as if you wanted to know them and then you meet and .. you don’t want to! ICK! I hate this feelings. It is so akward to back peddle for both parties.
It is true also that you can’t write an ad that screams… I AM BITTER AND I HAVE BEEN BURNED!!! Nor should you write enticing things… I am seconding that! I find that many men are just shopping for a sex partner and I am sick of that. And beware of any guy that wants to talk about so many issues around intimacy. I am tired of being checked out to see if I MATCH everything you ever wanted. I don’t do this to them and I don’t want them to do it to me. I am not interviewing to be your girlfriend. I am a human and I am continuing to evolve. No, I don’t like ths same kind of flatware that you like… so we must not be a match!!! (Someone once quizzed me about what I liked while we were browsing a houseware store and I was thinking.. Is this really a qualifying thing… which silverware I would choose?! God forbid that I might like a different color than you!!! Call off the wedding!!!)
I am trying to get out there and be more friendly and put myself in more social situations. I am DONE DONE DONE with internet dating. I don’t like meeting a guy and watching him size me up. I recall one that looked me up and down and then proclaimed, “Let’s have Dinner! Order anything you want!” I ordered modestly and tried to get to know him over dinner. However, he did not get to know me at all because he yakked and endless stream… blah blah blah… planning out our lives together. Then when I said I would like to think it over about his offer for a 2nd date, TOTAL EMAIL ATTACK!!!
I have had so many men send me an attack after I decline a 2nd date. This is a major TRIGGER for me. I had at least 1,000 attacking emails from the Bad Man. I will not tolerate anything like that ever again.
I think I might be on a rant. I don’t know why. Sorry friends at LoveFraud. I think I will go be alone until I can be nice again. :o)
I met a guy once online, he did not have a picture posted. We talked on the phone, and the two celebrities he said he resembled most, one was unattractive to me…He insisted we talk and talk…He was planning the rest of our life…He said he was a former pro football player and a chick magnet…I was like “Dude…I may not feel it when we meet…Lets just meet to be friends” He was insisting I wouldn’t be able to deny some over-whelming desire to be with him.
He said he wanted to know instantly when we met what I thought…I walked in, took one look, and he favored the unattractive celebrity and I said “It’s a no, but we’ll still hang out and have some drinks..” and he threw the money down for his tab, and said “I am not wasting my time if you already rejected me”. I stayed, I ate,I drank, I went home, and when I got home, I had a BARRAGE of evil mean cruel e-mails(sociopath?)…so bad that I forwarded to the site administrator and they shut him down.
I agree with you Alohatraveler – You talk to them, you imagine them, you picture them, you get something all worked up in your head and you meet them it is just ICCKKK….I really prefer the old fashioned way of meeting men….But hormones aren’t in charge like they were previous years for men or for the women. Keeping my eye on a guy and batting my eyes and a smile seems creepy to give and receive. I am not old-old, I am 38…but it just isn’t the same as when I was young and impulsive in all the good ways.
Righteous Woman,
I am 38 as well. The date you described sounds quite like the Bad Man… the attacking emails. And good for you for turning him in. I turned the Bad Man in to Match by sending them my story a few times. The problem was his emails were long lists of attacks on me that made me sound like a psycho… and he always switched over to a regular email address to do his verbal battering. Still, I sent complaints over and over and eventually, I heard through the grapevine that he was shut down. I suspect I was not the only one to complain.
As far as Internet dating… for me, if I am honest with myself, it has shown me where my bad boundaries are/were. I have always been open and easy to talk to. I would just spill my guts and my inner most thoughts and dreams to a man. I realize now that I have to get that under control. Not all people are deserving of having access to your heart. It has taken me a very long time to learn this and to put it into practice.
I think Match is also very revealing about if other people have good boundaries. For example… when people write ads describing this inner most intimate desires, or they write as though they are speaking to a lover. I find this a turn off and frankly, a sign of bad boundaries.
I have shut down my account on Match. But before I did, with my last date, I did not go on and on over email. I did not carry on long conversations with him over the phone as if he was my best friend. I just agreed to quickly meet for a Chai. After meeting him, I didn’t feel any fireworks but I accepted his offer for a 2nd date for lunch asking myself, “what can I really know from just sitting there with a stranger having a cup of Chai?” Guess what? He stood me up after he made it a point to pick a day and time at the end of our Chai for the next meeting. He sent me a note AFTER the appointed hour of our 2nd meeting to say that he had gotten really busy and besides, he didn’t think there was much of a match for us. I said, “Agreed, and that was very ungentlemanly of you to blow me off in that way. Shame on you.” (Then I blocked his profile. I know, I took a crack at him! But then I was afraid to take a hit back. I have been through enough of that! I also don’t think what I said was over the top. Maybe he will think about doing that next time to a lady… a nice lady.)
I have decided that a gentleman is a man who acts like one, ALL THE TIME and not just when they think you have a nice body part that rhythms with grass. Obviously, I am not passionate about this at all! HAHA!
I AM DONE WITH INTERNET DATING!!!