This summer I read a fabulous book, Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life by Evan Stark. It is a well written academic discussion of the topic of coercive control that also provides a history of domestic violence awareness in America. Although I highly recommend the book to anyone who advocates for victims, I do not agree with the premise that coercive control is about female victimization. I have known too may male victims to believe that this is a male —female issue.
The challenge then is to come up with a theory about intimate partner victimization that accounts for, rather than rejects the very cogent arguments put forward by clinician-researchers like Dr. Stark. Although there isn’t space here to detail all the theory I am considering, the cornerstone of it is that psychopathic individuals (sociopaths) male and female will take advantage of every societal institution that exists as they work to gain control of the people in their lives. The end result of this theory aligns me with Dr. Stark and other dv advocates, in that I also see the need to change society in order to help victims of coercive control.
A read of the stories posted on this site by victims reveals that psychopathic sons and daughters exploit their parents using parental obligations and threats of reports to child protective services. Psychopathic female partners use child support (the male role of husband as provider), and threats of loss of access to children to control their male partners. Psychopathic male partners use notions of male dominance and feminine submission as well as the family courts to control their women. Also, psychopathic mothers and fathers use their “parental rights” to abuse and control rather than to parent their children.
If we are going to set about to help victims then we have a whole list of societal institutions to take on. The first one is the family court system because that is the most used and blatantly dysfunctional institution we have. One shocking example of the dysfunction appeared in the news this week in the wake of political arguments about rape and abortion. It seems that in 31 states a rapist can assert parental rights. There are countless studies revealing that rapists possess psychopathic personality traits and that aberrant motivation to control a victim underlies the crime. Such individuals are likely unfit or marginally fit to parent a child legitimately conceived forget the child of a victim; so much for the “best interests of the child” doctrine that the family court purports to pay homage to.
Thankfully, there is one victim who is speaking out and fighting to change the system and I think we should support her in any way we can. “Shauna R. Prewitt is a lawyer in Chicago. She is the author of “Giving Birth to a ‘Rapist’s Child’: A Discussion and Analysis of the Limited Legal Protections Afforded to Women Who Become Mothers Through Rape,” written for the Georgetown Law Journal.” To read her story visit CNN. There you can also download her paper if you want to read an academic discussion. Also help spread the word, rapists and others who perpetrate coercive control should not have the same parental rights as healthy loving parents. Children deserve the best upbringing the healthy parent can give them.
cappuccinoqueen, I do not disagree with you! I realize that my meaning could be mistaken because I mentioned rape and women’s power over their own fertility in the same post. The two can be confused. I am sorry I had trouble expressing my idea better.
I do not think that the majority of women understand that they have this power — and you cannot develop it if you do not realize you have it.
That is not the same thing as suggesting that any woman who is raped should have any blame over it or any of the results from it. A rape is a violation — period. (I have been raped, too).
However…. my post was more about the reality of the potential of our feminine power which has been hidden from us (which relates to fertility).
What made me think of it as a topic was the topic of this post on coercive control, and that made me think about how MUCH we are controlled by society, all that we are taught (or not taught) about how our bodies work, the spiritual aspects of it, etc. How we are expected to place our health in the hands of our doctors as opposed to ourselves, and how we are not taught (my daughters who just took sex ed in HS were not taught, either!) truly how our bodies work!
It is also related to the topic of the lies that spaths tell — some of them by omission. some of them by misleading us and confusing us, through mixing the truth and lies.
It is not so simple as “in a legitimate rape the woman’s body shuts down and she can’t get pregnant” because that is NOT true, and it is a twisting of the truth into something completely damaging and the opposite, and blaming of women. But the result is that we react by saying, “that stupid idiot man! How dare he!” without realizing that… there is more to this thing of our fertility/bodies than we are allowed to know these days.
I did not know this reality for the first four decades of my life. Then, I started learning about it. It is subtle and hard to explain. It is a very intuitive thing but we cannot use it if we are not TAUGHT it, and if the reality of its existence is suppressed.
I was very angry when I first learned what had been kept from me. And then I started to learn about it and how to use it, and it really is very empowering and exciting.
20 years, very interesting. Do you have any links?
kim frederick,
about 10 years ago, I found this book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler, which is the book that totally opened my eyes to info which I feel has been kept from many girls/women (and the boys/men in their lives).
That was just a starting point. I already had an interest in herbal medicine and natural healing AND an interest in something which has various names but has to do with our energy fields and the power of thought.
The book gave me the nuts and bolts of how my body actually works. The study of herbal medicine brought a new understanding to what I was learning (including the history of folk medicine/healers and the rise of modern, pharmaceutical meds and suppression of the old methods). This has been a self study, so I don’t really have links but you can find the info as you go, if you want.
The final piece is the intuitive part which has grown in me over time, to the point where I am now much more aware of my own power of choice (free will) in matters concerning my health, including my fertility. Again, this has been a personal practice, and it takes time and dedication. When studying something like this, it is murky at first, and becomes clearer with time and practice.
The starting point, though, is discovering that a possibility exists. And learning to listen to and trust your intuition.
Back to earth: Toni Weschler’s book opened my eyes to the effects of birth control pills on my intuitive ability (totally suppresses it). I have not used chemical birth control for 15 years, and it has made a very big difference in my mental and intuitive wellbeing.
Skylar,
Well said. It’s unfortunate but I agree with you. It sometimes makes me nuts as the WTF bucket (love that) is full already. lol
I agree with the rest of you about the careful selection of words and knowing around those who’s heads are in the sand or those who have lived a long life believing it’s a bad apple lest we all sound like conspiracy paranoia cases.
The courts have had the same affect on my life. I haven’t felt safe…many different times in my life as far back as childhood. Now there is just one more piece to that puzzle which hit to my very core. The law.
I have found after the extreme feeling, from new knowledge and some time and healing occurs, I tend to find a middle ground that brings some peace and balance. Upon the first knowledge though it hits me so extremely and like 20years states, I have to be careful not to sound like a nutcase needing to awaken the world!
The fertility comments and rape are just that to me.
I have known and heard several times of women failing to get pregnant until they adopt a child and by some strange fact of life become pregnant soon there after. So there may be something to that but rape is rape and we must be careful to keep as much power away from anyone speaks of “legitimacy” with that subject and ability to conceive. Think of those poor 11 and 12 year old pregnant by forcible sex or “coerced” sex or the daughter of the father who becomes pregnant…… too many different examples to paint with the broad brush of law and politics.
My story here at Lovefraud begins with “holes in the condom”. Rape? Nope, but definitely life changing deception.
Good mind stimulating conversation though as usual on this board.
Cappaccinoqueen, I believe after some time (didn’t think this until probably 3 years into the court case and feeling completely broken never to heal) you will balance out and get some perspective and feel some safety again. If you are anything like me, it will come in babysteps and with a great deal of trepidation as you move forward with your new knowledge. Really you will be much safer than before living with blinders and lack of knowledge. You no longer will expect justice or fairness from man. It’s a rude awakening but this is why so many fight to avoid it. You may make a huge difference in lives to come living mindfully.
((((hugs to all of us who are waking up)))))
Thank you lovefraud for giving us a place to express ourselves while traveling through these experiences and being able to share our struggles on all different levels.
Eralyn
20 years,
you and I must be in a very similar space with regard to learning and healing from spaths. Your words are exactly how I think: just WHERE do we start letting people know? How deeply will they “get it”?
The fact that that moron used the words “legitimate rape” means he believes it isn’t rape unless the woman is being held at gunpoint while screaming and fighting the whole time. I wonder how many times he has raped women himself. I know people don’t like to make assumptions without evidence, but I’ve learned to discern a “tell”. To come up with the words “legitimate rape”, he must have given it some thought. So why would he do that? Well perhaps he was justifying a sexual encounter with an unwilling victim and considered that it wasn’t a “legitimate rape” because she didn’t fight hard enough.
I’m not saying, arrest the man, just sayin’ “don’t date him.”
Moron is right. Very Bad word choice.
Definition of “legitimate”: lawful, being in compliance with the law (as though rape itself is sanctioned by the state!)
He could have used a word like “bona fide” instead, which is probably what he meant, because it means “genuine.” (as opposed to — date rape? spousal rape? coercion as opposed to force? the girl changing her mind after?)
Or better yet, just call it RAPE. (date rape, stranger rape, spousal rape, without consent — it is all a violation)
Skylar,
I know there are others in a similar space to you and me, with regard to learning and healing from spaths. I also know that I have learned from others who are a step or two ahead of me.
However, I CANNOT learn from others who are several steps ahead of me. I continually misunderstand what they are saying, and in fact some of what they say sounds offensive or insulting or hurtful to me. I’m not ready for it. Not in a place where I can hear it.
Doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me for my inability to see and hear. Doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them for saying what they are saying, from the place they sit.
They are probably helping someone just one or two steps behind them on the path.
I know this, because I’ve walked far enough that I have eventually caught up to some of these places, and it hits me, “Ohhhhh… NOW I get what they were saying, that I didn’t get before…”
So, I guess I’m thinking, maybe I can say what I’m thinking, from the place where I am, and maybe some people will be offended (which I hope to avoid but probably unavoidable to some degree), and maybe some people will learn something, and of course *I* will keep my eyes and ears open to listen and learn.
I know I’m a slow learner. So I really can’t expect others to be any faster at this than I have been. 🙂
I felt like that moron was implying if you got pregnant, it wasn’t a “legitimate” rape. So would he find the guy innocent if you went to court pregnant during his criminal trial? Yikes!!
20years ~
I never quite thought of what you just said about not belng able to learn from people who are several steps ahead of you. But, you are absolutely right. I think about how many times someone has said something or written something that no matter how hard I tried, I just could not relate or believe. Then, down the road I would come to understand. Great explanation and I think right on.
Sky, I feel I have learned so much from you and your keen insight. Above all else, I believe the concept of the “tell” is perhaps the most important. We all know that understanding is such an important weapon against a spath. When we learn to recognize or discern a “tell” it is almost like having a crystal ball, or finding the hidden pictures in a “Highlight” magazine. Thanks for all the lessons.
20years,
What a great observation you made of learning! There have been so many times I met with a wisdom from others that sounded wrong, or like blaming… I would wonder how they honestly could think like that. And I would think myself better for not thinking like that. Only to find out later in the journey in life as if I was in a mirror situation and suddenly felt and thought and understood what that other person had meant, about to say the exact same thing to someone in the mirror situation.
I used to debate for several years fiercely on a forum meant for debate, which gave me the conviction that everyone is opinionated about something always. As opinions goes, there are plenty going around, on every issue of life. And when I look back over the past 20 years and some more, I must say that I’ve been pretty opinionated and sure that my way of viewing things was the right way… The younger I was the more opinionated I was too. But life itself teaches us that our way of thinking alters with each experience (good and bad) and how we grow and heal from it; and where I felt t have an opposing view especially on life and emotional matters before I would experience something that made me feel as if I was looking through their eyes suddenly. It always made me feel as if life’s veils were being lifted, as if I being shown a secret through a rip.
So yes, some people are way ahead of us in their perspective steps, but at some point we’ll stand at the same spot. I could not learn from these people the moment they shared their wisdom, but the conflicted opposition I felt to it burned in my mind like a smoking gun for me to remember the moment I was finally there at that understanding.