This week’s post was inspired by a heartfelt email I received from a Lovefraud reader who has just successfully achieved the final step in her resolute struggle to break free:
“Two years of tears and agony, stress and anxiety. Nevermore!”
As we all know, it takes a huge amount of guts and gritty determination first of all to escape and then to heal — and as I sat reading her words I whooped for joy and punched the air. YES!!! Because it means that one more person is free. One more person has shattered the chains that used to bind. One more person has broken out of the shackles of manipulation and madness — and I am pleased. In fact I am delighted.
Every time I hear stories — or receive emails — from people who have taken another step (large or small, size in this case certainly doesn’t matter for a change!) on the road to freedom I am filled with love and with gratitude. Even though I consider myself to be well and truly free, every new account of escape still boosts my own sense of liberty — and increases my determination to play my part in helping others to awaken from their nightmares.
My part this week, I believe, is to share a message of hope that this particular lady sent me in her email. She would like to reach out to everyone who, like her, has been through or is still in an abusive relationship — people just like all of us here on Lovefraud. “I think about the people out there” she wrote “and what they’re going through. Their anguish”¦” and she gave me permission to use her words although, of course, her identity and circumstances remain protected. This is what she said:
“Tell everyone that’s going down this path to stand up to the “Bully”. It takes a lot of inner strength and even more prayer to have the courage to fight back. Each time you do something you didn’t think you could you feel better about yourself and in turn it starts to restore your dignity. Know, this is the healing process.”
Powerful words, don’t you think?
Fighting back and standing up to the bully, in my opinion, is such an important part of the process. Yes, as this lady says, it takes a lot of inner strength to fight back. Nobody said it would be easy — but boy is it worth it! We can be quiet in our fight or we can be noisy. Make huge gestures or tiny movements. Create a sudden explosion or a continuous trickle of barely perceptible flashes”¦ it doesn’t matter. In my opinion, what we do hardly matters in the grand scheme of things. It’s how we feel about what we do that makes the difference — and in feeling that we’re standing up against the bully well, guess what? It will naturally make our actions stronger.
Dolly Parton
Just last week I was lucky enough to see Dolly Parton performing her show while I was here in London. I went along with a few friends, not really knowing what to expect. But wow — I was blown away! That little lady is a dynamo of energy and talent — and she’s got some pretty powerful stories to tell as well. During the show she spoke a lot about her childhood. The poverty, the number of children, the lack of modern ”˜luxuries’ like running water or electricity. But she spoke even more about the love they shared as a family — and how that love, and her happy memories, have driven her forward and kept her company throughout the good and bad times.
One particular story that touched me, was when she explained the background to one of her favourite songs. “Coat Of Many Colors” tells of how one particularly cold winter, Dolly’s mother made her a coat from small bits of rags and old bits of materials. She freely admits it was an odd looking garment, but in Dolly’s mind it was going to bring her good luck and happiness, just like the biblical story of Joseph and his multicoloured coat.
But when she got to school, the other children teased her and taunted her. They called her names and laughed because she was so poor. Yes, they tried to bully her — but they didn’t succeed.
Why not? Because Dolly refused to take any notice of their mocking ways. She held on to her belief that the coat was something special, and that it had been given to her with love from her mother. In fact, she said, she couldn’t understand how the other children were so blind! Why couldn’t they see that she was rich beyond any of their wildest dreams, because she was rich beyond anything money could buy — she had love.
Free Your Mind
This, I believe, is what standing up to the bully — or the sociopath — is all about. It’s about holding tight to what you believe — or what you choose to believe is true, no matter how someone else is attempting to torment or frighten us. Because we can always choose freedom in our minds.
I remember hearing a story many years ago about survivors from the prison camps. Even those who had been locked away in solitary confinement would say that in their minds they were free. In their imagination they could take themselves travelling to the far off corners of the world. They could be with the people they loved and dream about living any life they cared to choose. This was how they stood up to the people who were trying to break them. This was how they kept their sanity and how they eventually became physically free as well.
On that note, there’s one more story I’d like to share with you. It involves some of my dearest friends, who have three sons — one slightly younger than my son, and the other two slightly older. The four boys, as you can imagine, get on famously together and we are all more like family than friends. One particular evening last year, when I was still facing numerous emotional and financial challenges, the conversation turned to the subject of bullying. It seemed each of the boys, my son included, had all experienced intimidation at some point in their lives. Contrasting experiences, different levels, and of varying durations, none the less each of them knew and understood the sense of shame and fear associated with bullying. They, along with the adults, were sharing their views on how best to combat these people and situations.
The conversations, as you can imagine, became somewhat boisterous and heated. Voices were getting louder, and opinions stronger, as we all put our energy in to debating the entire issue from varying viewpoints.
And then a calm, measured and relatively quiet voice silenced the table. It came from Tom, the eldest of the three brothers — at this time 19 years old.
“You can’t actually be bullied unless you feel it” he said, picking at the tomatoes from his third bruschetta. We all shut up and turned to look at him. Encouraged to explain further he continued
“Bullying’s not a THING. It’s a reaction you choose. It’s nothing to do with what’s happening, it’s to do with how you choose to feel about it”
And that was the light bulb moment. Firstly, Tom had explained so succinctly exactly where, in my opinion, any focus for combating bullying needs to be placed. Secondly, and on a personal level, he’d just reminded me that I was totally in charge of how I choose to react to whatever is, was and will be happening around me. Not a new lesson, but certainly one that needed re-stating. And I suddenly felt both humbled and inspired at the same time.
Wisdom And Inspiration
I listened intently as Tom continued to share his opinions, his wisdom and calm approach seeming to include everyone’s point of view whilst at the same time presenting some workable and well-reasoned alternative solutions to the problem. We may not have solved the whole topic that night, but we certainly left the table feeling more able to deal with the issue. For me, I also came away with a personal commitment to remain calmly focused on where I was heading — no matter what difficulties I may face along the way.
As an aside, I also discovered during the course of the conversation that this incredibly wise, centred and modest young man had been awarded a prize last year for being the person who had given the most contribution to his school. That’s quite some achievement by anyone’s standards, and yet Tom had kept it very quiet. I hope, like me, that you’ll agree he’s a very special person. And for me, he’s one of the biggest inspirations in my life, and he never ceases to amaze me. Because there’s one small thing that I’ve omitted to explain about Tom.
And that is that he was born with a medical condition known as SMA – Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He has never been able to walk, and he needs 24-hour care because he is totally reliant on others. Without them he is unable to do even the simplest of things that you and I take for granted – wash, get dressed, cut up his food. Even turning over in bed is impossible for him to do on his own. He has had countless operations over the years, including one to fuse his spine and insert metal rods either side to prevent the crushing of his internal organs, because he cannot hold himself straight. But he never lets things faze him.
I didn’t explain Tom’s condition earlier, because to Tom, his family and his friends, it doesn’t count. He is just like everyone else, and is treated in exactly the same way. This young man is living with a crippling disability, but he’s discovered a way to take everything in his stride. He grasps life with more energy and determination than I see in most people, and he’s making an absolute success of his life – as well as inspiring others along the way — myself included! And because of that, people see past the large, clunky motorised wheelchair that carries him everywhere – it becomes invisible.
This point was made particularly clear just a couple of years earlier. We had arranged a massive Easter treasure hunt around our French village, with a whole gang of people rushing around chasing clues and finding prizes. One of the younger members, a 6-year-old boy, had taken a particular shine to Tom, and remained stuck by his side for most of the day. He was still filled with excitement when explaining the day to other members of his family. When asked to point him out in the photographs from the day, he replied “Oh, he’s the one with the big smile. He’s got darker hair than the others – can you see him?”
Tom, along with other motivational people and inspirational stories are all part of my internal ”˜army’ of soldiers. They may not be with me in person, but the memories of people who have inspired me — whether or not I know them or have even met them — together with the uplifting situations I have witnessed first hand, all band together and stand strong with me whenever someone tries to threaten me. I hope that my account can in some way help you to find, acknowledge and recruit more ”˜soldiers’ of your own.
With love and blessings to all — and particular thanks to the lady who inspired this post. Thank you for your email — you know who you are, you’re now in my ‘army’ and I salute you!
panther
Yes, Alina, no guns. I think most of us would have a hard time ever pulling the trigger, even if we could manage to get it pointing straight at them in the state of fear they’d instantly drive us to if they suddenly broke into the house or something. And YES he will take it away and shoot YOU, so no guns!!!!
Ironically, my ex bought me mace…..of course with my own money. Thanks. I’ll be using that on him if he ever does come to Germany. The wasp spray can work, or you can get pepper spray/mace.
Alina be safe!
Ox Drover
Panther, pepper spray and mace are illegal in some areas, but bug spray is not! LOL Plus it is CHEAP and you can keep it handy. I do have a gun (several actually) but I have no problem in using it if I need to do so, or pulling the trigger. But that is something that you must make up your mind to WELL IN ADVANCE of the need to do so. I grew up around guns and hunting so I don’t have “buck fever” when the need to pull the trigger happens…and I’m a practice and good shot!
TruthBTold
Sorry, I was assuming that with a purchase of a gun, gun school would go along with it.
Things about mace is, I have seen people get maced and they still kept coming. Tazers might be good, too but I am clueless about how to work one. And they don’t always work. It just depends on the person you are macing and tazing.
Also, yes if you are going to pull the thing out, you have to shoot to kill. That is the only purpose of a gun, to kill. It is just that sometimes that is what it comes down to. I just feel much safer having a 9mm than a my little mace thingies. My worry is if they have a gun and I just have my mace (which is always on my keys btw). I have kids to protect, though.
It is all just a personal choice, but please just try to find a way to protect yourself with what feels right for you.
ErinBrock
ALINA;
The above advice is good.
In addition. Here is my experiences.
DV TPO is a different order than a stalking and harassment order.
There are 2 different consequences (viewed by the law)…..one is civil…and one is criminal.
You can gain BOTH orders simultaniouosly. (Piggy backed). Start with the DV order, since that applies…..first.
If, after the order is issued…..he continues ….and you follow through with police calls etc…. file the Stalking orders. (virtually same process). To piggy back the DV order.
I found this to be the most effective way to keep the spath away. After I piggybacked the orders, he knew I was serious…..and the stalking subsided.
(This was on the recomendation of the DA in my county). Good advice.
TBT was correct, your county should have a dv advocate. DOn’t expect too much from these folks….and don’t rely on every word they tell you. This is a path you will essentially walk alone. YOU can file the orders yourself. Follow up and make certain spaths been served. and notified of court hearing.
If the process ball has been dropped at any point…….there will be further delays….. Benefit of doubt…..goes to spath…NOT YOU!
After you file the TPO at your court….spath needs to be served. The sheriff will serve DV TPO’s at no charge. MAKE CERTAIN YOU GET A RECIEPT OF SERVICE and keep it in your file. (KEEP A SEPARATE FILE for this TPO).
Once spath is served and you have proof of that…….
then comes the court date.
Go early to court and ask for a chaperone in/out of the courthouse from your vehicle. Ask they allow you to wait in a private secure area and the bailiff will come get you and escort you into the courtroom. Most areas have a DV advocate that will sit in the court room as moral support with you. (Mine sat in the back of the court….next to my gf….really NO help….but whatever)
IF…he shows up…..you will both be allowed to speak. He will come up with all kinds of accusations…..but no documentations……don’t feel you need to address any of the blah, blahs that come out of his mouth. (IN fact….expect HIM to accuse YOU of doing everything he’s been doing….BUT you have documentations.).
Prior to court…..gather up all police reports and incident reports……days and times of what he’s done….ie showing up at your home etc….calling work etc….Take photos of your caller ID for documentations. PRint photos and take to court.
Document OVERKILL. You won’t need ALL of it….but it’s better to have too much than not enough. It shows a judge, you can back up what your claiming and gives you credibility.
Remain composed. TRY your best NOT to cry or get excited. DO NOT INTERUPT spath OR judge. The whole point is to be respectful and gain what you are there for. NOT REHASH ANYTHING WITH SPATH.
Find out how long your state will extend TPO orders for. My state will only issue yearly orders. I had to renew them every year….start fresh, file, service, court etc…..
Some states have 5 year orders.
Request that it is issued for the maximum time frame in your state.
It’s a pain in the ass to do it every year…..but then again, maybe after a period of time…..spath will get bored with you and go away.
Once your orders are in place……they bind YOU also. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. DO NOT INVITE HIM OVER….etc…..
(this was what he eluded to in the last stalking attempt when police stopped him a block away….SHE INVITED ME!). It doesn’t matter…..it’s a NO CONTACT ORDER.
I included NO FORM WHATSOEVER of contact in my orders. NO Cell, electronic, telephone, email, CB radio, 3rd Party contact. NO CONTACT PERIOD.
If you happen to run into each other at the grocery store…..YOU LEAVE. TPO law states he should….but it get’s into a gray area of who’s going to enforce that……so it’s BEST you just avoid him…..
Try to keep tract of where he’s living/working in case you need to serve him something else.
I like to know where my spath is….at all times. When he’s across the ocean…..I feel safer and breath easeir…..but I ALWAYS KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIM TO SERVE HIM if he keeps sending his trojans to harass us.
I once had him served in an airport on a layover…..and he had NO IDEA how I found him…..dumb fuck posted his flight on FB and I was informed.
AFTER the orders are granted……another service has to be made…..to inform him of the EXTENDED ORDER LEGALLY. Hopefully, if he shows up in court, it can be served on him right then and there…..if he doesn’t show up….you gotta find him (or the sheriff does with your guidance). Hence the reason for knowing where he lives etc……
Also, if it continues…..the cops can show up at his house.
One time my spath was arrested at his house…..he had come over to our home and parked out front. When I went apeship on him….to get the fark outa here……called the cops…..he left. He had someone in his car with him and parked at my front door. (Don’t know why, or what his plans were……?)
He was gone when the cops got there….so they went to his house and felt his car……it was warm…the engine was recently ran. They knocked on his door…..he answered in his underware….like he was asleep. They asked him if he had recently been driving his car or at my home….he denied, said he was home all day and no one else had access to his car…..they arrested hiim.
The best benefit for getting away from my spath was the TPO’s. I followed them to a T. I called the cops whenever I fel threatened or heard stuff in my yard. He played a cat and mouse game with them……and it doesn’t serve spaths well. My local cops took a great interest. BUT….I applied them to myself also. I COULD NOT CONTACT HIM!!!!! COURT ORDER!!!! This helped in the weak moments of doubt…….helped greatly!
I went through a lot of work to gain these orders…..I knew what i’d look like if I dropped them or disregarded them myself! I also didn’t want to have HIM file a TPO on me….it would invalidate any future benefit of the doubt I would need, just by having TPO’s on me.
It would also please him more than ever to be able to validate his false claims or have someone doubt me……by him having a photo or something of me like at his house or something.
Once TPO is attained….don’t let your guard down….it’s JUST a peice of paper…..a tool for the police to arrest….that’s it!
He’ll either go away or not. Don’t plan on it though…..
Get yourself a digi camera and recorder. Cheap at Wallmart. Costco also sells recordable video cameras get one. Also get sensor lights that light up your outside. Harbor Freight tools also sells driveway chimes. I surrounded the perimiter of my property with these. They ring when the plane is broken….like a car of person breaks the plane…..(it won’t tell you wear the person is entering from), but that is where the sensor lights come in handy.
I think where you are you may find a Harbor Freight Tools….if not check online. They also sell video cameras.
After spending about 200-300 dollars……you will have all the security tools to document anything if he continues.
Also…….arm up if you’re comfortable…..whether it’s a tazer and very least…..pepper spray. Keep it at all areas you frequent in your home. I also kept a stock of baseball bats in each closet.
IF he shows up again…..take a picture of him. preferably without him knowing…..but in the end who really cares if he see’s you do it or not. I had an upstairs window I took pics from. He’d run if he saw me. I’d get HIM and his vehicle. Keep snapping pics…….
I still keep a digi camera and voice recorder in my purse. ALWAYS! I change the battery’s every 3 months so they are never out.
I got trained to use a weapon, got a CCW and armed up.
My last TPO’s expired in June. In July he called the kids……Now I just got notified he’s back in the tropics…..so I can relax and breath. He’s stayed away. I just read he wrote he was “BLACKBALLED” from his town.
I know what this means to him……he can’t come back here.
GOOD! POINT TAKEN!
The court expereienc is daunting in the beginning…..just because ‘normal’ people don’t frequent court houses regularly. BUT…….there is NOTHING to fear. Keep your wits about you and go for the protection you deserve. (It’s really not protection, but with an order it helps in prosecution).
Good luck!
Ox Drover
EB GREAT ADVICE.
I recently found out that in my state (and I think each state is different) a restraining order is NOT the same as a NO CONTACT order, and an order of PROTECTION is NOT THE SAME AS EITHER A RESTRAINING ORDER OR A NO CONTACT ORDER. Only an order of protection is one that is CRIMINALLY enforced. I had thought they were ALL THE SAME thing just called differnt names, NOT TRUE. So be sure that you get the kind of order that is CRIMINALLY prosecuted if it is violated. It is the only kind of order with any TEETH in it.
coping
Alina- your original post looked to be a few days old so I’m not sure if your still around to see this. I read your earlier post but don’t know much about your full story.
I’m pretty tired but before crashing out wanted to add a few things. First of all great advice by EB and many interesting points added by others.
I’ve been through this shit 3 times and here’s the basic low down. You go to court, both parties, judge, and court reporter are there. The judge starts off by reading your original statement made in the temporary injection. He will then ask you if this is correct. You answer. Judge asks other party who will most likely lie. Judge will go back and forth. My main advice is KNOW YOUR ORIGINAL STATEMENT! Don’t say more then nessary.. For example if he cane from behind and choked you.. That is what you must say. You can’t get flustered and miss out on key points…like say he was so mad and just grabbed me from behind. Big difference. I’m tired so I hope you get my point. DO NOT INTERACT With spath or even look at him. Stay focused on the judge. It’s ok to look afraid just keep it together enough not to look angry or out if control.
I don’t know about different states but we have injections here ( I call them restraint orders for simplicity) injunctions encompass phone, text, email, 500 ft from car, home, work, or person, 3rd party contact. I have what’s called a permanent injunction. It lasts for 7 years.
Good luck. Do not move forward if you are not able to follow thru, this could hurt your credibility in the future. Only you know where you are at. I also wouldn’t suggest guns for the reasons ox explained earlier..
I wish you well. Have strength in yourself. It will be ok. One step at a time.
coping
Alina- excuse spelling errors… Tired. I think you can get the drift.
ErinBrock
Ca. Restraining order info.
http://sonoma.courts.ca.gov/self-help/restraining-orders
http://www.kinseylaw.com/clientserv2/famlawservices/dviolence/domesticviolence.html
http://www.sdcourt.ca.gov/portal/page?_pageid=55,1524115&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL
Check out these sites….2 are court sites and one is from an attorney….general info.
Remember, knowlege is power…..ask questions, seek answers and know the boundaries of WHAT exactly your orders cover!
After you are granted a TPO…..give it a few days and go into the local PD and make certain they have your order in their system. Have the front desk lady check. Don’t just assume it get’s into the system….my first one didn’t!!! That sucks when you call the police and they don’t have it on file!
Also…..make several copies of the order. Keep one in your purse, one in your car and one in your house handy.
Tip on filling out police statements….if the order is ever violated……Fill it out…..and KEEP A COPY BEFORE YOU GIVE IT TO THE POLICE! Keep it in your file.
It’s easier to have it on hand than to request one from the sheriff. I couldn’t get one (without an attorney) on the case where spath kicked in our front door and was arrested. They wouldn’t release it to me until AFTER a conviction…..well….what good is THAT?
Spath would violate so frequently…..I photocopied the blank statement form and kept several on hand…..that way I would fill it out even before the cops showed up and it was all fresh in my head…..(sometimes they will just have you bring it by at your leisure….if they don’t feel it’s life or death or they can’t find him).
Dont expect ‘action’ each time he violates…….prepare yourself for the ‘letdown’. The law never works the way law abiding folks think it does. BUT…..keep FOLLOWING THROUGH…..you build a ‘case’. And even if he is arrested…..Don’t expect the DA to prosecute! Don’t get discouraged……just keep yourself safe and keep reporting to police!
IF he is arrested……YOU CALL THE DA…..let them know your ‘story’ and WHY he needs to be prosecuted. Get the DA’s case number…..it’s usually different from the Police case number. It helps to have personal contact with a DA ‘s office. The DA”s office also has victim advocates who can ‘fight’ for you from inside the DA’s office. Use them!
I made it very clear to everyone…..I wasn’t going away…..I wasn’t going to be the woman they remembered AFTER the spath killed her or her children! I was doing what I could to protect US…..and I expected THEM (police and DA’s ) to follow through on THEIR END!
Keep safe!
Ox Drover
EB you are a fount of great information and courage! TOWANDA!
ErinBrock
Yes Oxy….. I say….it’s all 1001 things I never needed to know!
At least if I share what I learned….it makes it worthwhile! 🙂
Human growth takes place when we take small steps.