This week’s post was inspired by a heartfelt email I received from a Lovefraud reader who has just successfully achieved the final step in her resolute struggle to break free:
“Two years of tears and agony, stress and anxiety. Nevermore!”
As we all know, it takes a huge amount of guts and gritty determination first of all to escape and then to heal — and as I sat reading her words I whooped for joy and punched the air. YES!!! Because it means that one more person is free. One more person has shattered the chains that used to bind. One more person has broken out of the shackles of manipulation and madness — and I am pleased. In fact I am delighted.
Every time I hear stories — or receive emails — from people who have taken another step (large or small, size in this case certainly doesn’t matter for a change!) on the road to freedom I am filled with love and with gratitude. Even though I consider myself to be well and truly free, every new account of escape still boosts my own sense of liberty — and increases my determination to play my part in helping others to awaken from their nightmares.
My part this week, I believe, is to share a message of hope that this particular lady sent me in her email. She would like to reach out to everyone who, like her, has been through or is still in an abusive relationship — people just like all of us here on Lovefraud. “I think about the people out there” she wrote “and what they’re going through. Their anguish”¦” and she gave me permission to use her words although, of course, her identity and circumstances remain protected. This is what she said:
“Tell everyone that’s going down this path to stand up to the “Bully”. It takes a lot of inner strength and even more prayer to have the courage to fight back. Each time you do something you didn’t think you could you feel better about yourself and in turn it starts to restore your dignity. Know, this is the healing process.”
Powerful words, don’t you think?
Fighting back and standing up to the bully, in my opinion, is such an important part of the process. Yes, as this lady says, it takes a lot of inner strength to fight back. Nobody said it would be easy — but boy is it worth it! We can be quiet in our fight or we can be noisy. Make huge gestures or tiny movements. Create a sudden explosion or a continuous trickle of barely perceptible flashes”¦ it doesn’t matter. In my opinion, what we do hardly matters in the grand scheme of things. It’s how we feel about what we do that makes the difference — and in feeling that we’re standing up against the bully well, guess what? It will naturally make our actions stronger.
Dolly Parton
Just last week I was lucky enough to see Dolly Parton performing her show while I was here in London. I went along with a few friends, not really knowing what to expect. But wow — I was blown away! That little lady is a dynamo of energy and talent — and she’s got some pretty powerful stories to tell as well. During the show she spoke a lot about her childhood. The poverty, the number of children, the lack of modern ”˜luxuries’ like running water or electricity. But she spoke even more about the love they shared as a family — and how that love, and her happy memories, have driven her forward and kept her company throughout the good and bad times.
One particular story that touched me, was when she explained the background to one of her favourite songs. “Coat Of Many Colors” tells of how one particularly cold winter, Dolly’s mother made her a coat from small bits of rags and old bits of materials. She freely admits it was an odd looking garment, but in Dolly’s mind it was going to bring her good luck and happiness, just like the biblical story of Joseph and his multicoloured coat.
But when she got to school, the other children teased her and taunted her. They called her names and laughed because she was so poor. Yes, they tried to bully her — but they didn’t succeed.
Why not? Because Dolly refused to take any notice of their mocking ways. She held on to her belief that the coat was something special, and that it had been given to her with love from her mother. In fact, she said, she couldn’t understand how the other children were so blind! Why couldn’t they see that she was rich beyond any of their wildest dreams, because she was rich beyond anything money could buy — she had love.
Free Your Mind
This, I believe, is what standing up to the bully — or the sociopath — is all about. It’s about holding tight to what you believe — or what you choose to believe is true, no matter how someone else is attempting to torment or frighten us. Because we can always choose freedom in our minds.
I remember hearing a story many years ago about survivors from the prison camps. Even those who had been locked away in solitary confinement would say that in their minds they were free. In their imagination they could take themselves travelling to the far off corners of the world. They could be with the people they loved and dream about living any life they cared to choose. This was how they stood up to the people who were trying to break them. This was how they kept their sanity and how they eventually became physically free as well.
On that note, there’s one more story I’d like to share with you. It involves some of my dearest friends, who have three sons — one slightly younger than my son, and the other two slightly older. The four boys, as you can imagine, get on famously together and we are all more like family than friends. One particular evening last year, when I was still facing numerous emotional and financial challenges, the conversation turned to the subject of bullying. It seemed each of the boys, my son included, had all experienced intimidation at some point in their lives. Contrasting experiences, different levels, and of varying durations, none the less each of them knew and understood the sense of shame and fear associated with bullying. They, along with the adults, were sharing their views on how best to combat these people and situations.
The conversations, as you can imagine, became somewhat boisterous and heated. Voices were getting louder, and opinions stronger, as we all put our energy in to debating the entire issue from varying viewpoints.
And then a calm, measured and relatively quiet voice silenced the table. It came from Tom, the eldest of the three brothers — at this time 19 years old.
“You can’t actually be bullied unless you feel it” he said, picking at the tomatoes from his third bruschetta. We all shut up and turned to look at him. Encouraged to explain further he continued
“Bullying’s not a THING. It’s a reaction you choose. It’s nothing to do with what’s happening, it’s to do with how you choose to feel about it”
And that was the light bulb moment. Firstly, Tom had explained so succinctly exactly where, in my opinion, any focus for combating bullying needs to be placed. Secondly, and on a personal level, he’d just reminded me that I was totally in charge of how I choose to react to whatever is, was and will be happening around me. Not a new lesson, but certainly one that needed re-stating. And I suddenly felt both humbled and inspired at the same time.
Wisdom And Inspiration
I listened intently as Tom continued to share his opinions, his wisdom and calm approach seeming to include everyone’s point of view whilst at the same time presenting some workable and well-reasoned alternative solutions to the problem. We may not have solved the whole topic that night, but we certainly left the table feeling more able to deal with the issue. For me, I also came away with a personal commitment to remain calmly focused on where I was heading — no matter what difficulties I may face along the way.
As an aside, I also discovered during the course of the conversation that this incredibly wise, centred and modest young man had been awarded a prize last year for being the person who had given the most contribution to his school. That’s quite some achievement by anyone’s standards, and yet Tom had kept it very quiet. I hope, like me, that you’ll agree he’s a very special person. And for me, he’s one of the biggest inspirations in my life, and he never ceases to amaze me. Because there’s one small thing that I’ve omitted to explain about Tom.
And that is that he was born with a medical condition known as SMA – Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He has never been able to walk, and he needs 24-hour care because he is totally reliant on others. Without them he is unable to do even the simplest of things that you and I take for granted – wash, get dressed, cut up his food. Even turning over in bed is impossible for him to do on his own. He has had countless operations over the years, including one to fuse his spine and insert metal rods either side to prevent the crushing of his internal organs, because he cannot hold himself straight. But he never lets things faze him.
I didn’t explain Tom’s condition earlier, because to Tom, his family and his friends, it doesn’t count. He is just like everyone else, and is treated in exactly the same way. This young man is living with a crippling disability, but he’s discovered a way to take everything in his stride. He grasps life with more energy and determination than I see in most people, and he’s making an absolute success of his life – as well as inspiring others along the way — myself included! And because of that, people see past the large, clunky motorised wheelchair that carries him everywhere – it becomes invisible.
This point was made particularly clear just a couple of years earlier. We had arranged a massive Easter treasure hunt around our French village, with a whole gang of people rushing around chasing clues and finding prizes. One of the younger members, a 6-year-old boy, had taken a particular shine to Tom, and remained stuck by his side for most of the day. He was still filled with excitement when explaining the day to other members of his family. When asked to point him out in the photographs from the day, he replied “Oh, he’s the one with the big smile. He’s got darker hair than the others – can you see him?”
Tom, along with other motivational people and inspirational stories are all part of my internal ”˜army’ of soldiers. They may not be with me in person, but the memories of people who have inspired me — whether or not I know them or have even met them — together with the uplifting situations I have witnessed first hand, all band together and stand strong with me whenever someone tries to threaten me. I hope that my account can in some way help you to find, acknowledge and recruit more ”˜soldiers’ of your own.
With love and blessings to all — and particular thanks to the lady who inspired this post. Thank you for your email — you know who you are, you’re now in my ‘army’ and I salute you!
Genevieve79
Stargazer re bike – at first I thought what Panther did, that maybe it wasn;’t so bad, and he ha just done his best etc. But then, I began to see what you mean – he WAS being manipulative, giving you mixed signals. If he was genuinely sorry, there wouldn’t have been any of the ‘Oh, look how much gas I used driving to the shop’ etc. His attitude about it would have remained consistent over the two days – when payment was first mentioned, and then when you rang him next day to confirm you wanted him to pay. Basically, the way I see it, this was all parrt and parcel of helping you out BEFORE it went wrong, and he needs to suck it up! Personally, I would have done everything I could to rectify the situation,a nd would have paid for the cost of the error I had made. Let’s face it, I offered to help, you put your trust in me, and I messed up. Would we be so hesitant if he were a doctor? Or a teacher?
Unfortunately, his giving was clearly with strings attached, and for all the wrong reasons ‘Look how great I am, but I’m gonna make you pay for it!’
This is key I think – look out for double ended messages, mixed signals. On the surface he seems like Panther said – incompetent human being doing his best. But look a little closer, and you can see the truth. A passive aggressive individual who helps others out for narcissistic reasons – in other words, it’s all about him. When he does something for you, you can guarantee he’ll expect somethingback at some point, it’s never given freely. well done you for spotting hte subtle signals. You’re not being paranoid on this occasion – you’re right about him. A kind, sweet person who is genuine will always be direct, transparent and consistent. A kind, sweet person who is really manipulative will press your guilt buttons, and give you mixed signals, and throw back their help in your face. Their kindness and sweetness is coming from the wrong place, basically… It’s a nagging feeling in your gut, when you meet one of these – listen to it! xx
20years
Hi Everyone, I’m new here. I’ve been spending the past 6 weeks or so reading through the Lovefraud site, and now I’m ready to join in and post. It has been “20 years” that I have been involved with my spath. He was my husband for 8 of those years, very abusive and controlling, I left him when I realized that the abuse was escalating, and that I did not have the power to make him stop. we have 3 kids together and he is not an absent father, and I wish he would be. most people say, “how wonderful that he is so involved.” He is sticking to us like glue for the past 12 years. Very controlling man. Our three kids are now teenagers. One of them refuses to see her dad because he attacked her physically and jerked her around emotionally (mocking her, offering something she wanted, then snatching it away and making it her fault that the situation happened – -crazymaking stuff). One of the children resists and only occasionally goes on scheduled weekends. The other one is the “good girl” who goes regularly but does so partly from fear of standing up to him, fear of his withdrawal of the offer to pay for her college in a few years. (he already said that his paying for college is conditional upon the kids having a “full relationship” with him, which simply means they allow him to control every aspect of their lives and always go to his house when they are supposed to)
I have only recently realized he is a sociopath. All these years I have tried to “work with” him and be a good co-parent, but mostly experienced that he would try to dictate terms and behaviors and expect us to comply without question, and make us look bad if we simply stood up for ourselves. If we would resist, he would punish us with rage attacks and manipulation with money (he is wealthy; I am struggling to get basic needs met). He remarried about 5 years ago and I was confused for a time, but now I think she may be even more sociopathic than he is. The two of them together seem like they are out to get me. That sounds paranoid, but I think it is the only plausible explanation. After reading the blog post about “are sociopaths vindictive?” it all makes sense.
I was reported to CPS for neglect (totally fabricated false allegations, all unfounded and unsupported, a very long story but trust me, I finally read my file and it is full of lies. There are long statements by him and his wife against me, twisted truths and fabrications. There is nothing I can do without an expensive appeal — I cannot afford a lawyer), CPS threatened to take my children away (based on their bias from the false allegations). CPS has mandated weekly family therapy which is absolute torture: it is my ex-husband and his wife, the three kids and me. As you might imagine, the two sociopaths in the room smile their way through the sessions, as though they are the sane ones. I am afraid if we refuse to go, that we will be taken to court, the court may request a “custody evaluation” and he will win because he cons people so well.
I have just figured out that they are receiving some sort of (almost like an energy) “supply” from our expression of ANY emotion (anger, hurt, sadness, joy, desire). It is like they totally get off on provoking any kind of reaction in us. Feeding off it, seriously. For example, if my daughter talks about something she desires (a school trip), he will try to thwart her getting it. If she talks about something she fears (having her dad contact one of her teachers in a meddling way), he will double up his efforts to provide just exactly what she most fears. This is not what normal parents do! Normal parents want to facilitate their children’s dreams, or protect or reassure them against their fears. Not the opposite.
So… it is supposed to be therapy. But it is not safe to talk about our feelings in front of these two. These weekly therapy sessions, I have realized, are one hour a week where they get to “collect intelligence” on us — to find out info about us (our motivations, hopes and fears) they can store up and later use against us. I think therapy should be about expressing feelings and sharing perspectives, to learn from one another and grow closer through understanding and acceptance. but as you know — sociopaths are incapable of that. So why is it that we are forced into this charade of torture?
CPS did not believe me that this therapy is harmful and no hope of working (they think the daughter should be reunited with her father, that I am doing parental alienation or something. Trust me — he alienates the children perfectly well on his own without my help!). CPS and the therapist thinks because I say “there really is no hope — trust me” that I am being oppositional. It is just this side of court ordered. If we refuse to go, they say they will take us to court to force our attendance at the therapy. I feel very stuck and trapped. So much for “standing up to the bully.” How can I?
I am “all about the truth” these days. I do not want to maintain any sort of pretense. I want to be an example of truth to my children. I’m really not sure if this is the best way to play this, though, given the cards I am dealt.
Do any of you have any thoughts about this? I am trying, at the moment, to be accepting, detached, to try to be neutral and not display the emotions he feeds upon, to say as little as possible during the therapy sessions and hope that maybe they will just go away if it appears that we are not in need of therapy.
I realize this whole situation sounds very bizarre, but I assure you it is completely true and that I am not crazy. (sorry for that disclaimer — I am so used to not being believed). More than anything, I am asking for continued growth and healing from this experience. I do not want to be dragged down further by it. I want to be free of it, forever.
Ox Drover
Dear 20 years,
You sound perfectly sane to me, and I have heard this “story” over and over again (a few details different, but mostly the same).
Welcome to LF, I’m sorry you have a need to be here, but I think this will give you some support you are not getting in the real world! Knowledge is power, and you are doing what you can to gain that knowledge and realize that you cannot “co-parent” with these people. He is using your children as weapons and the “therapy” as SUPPLY and INTEL.
You may very well be right about his new wife being a sociopath as well, they do team up on a victim, so it is quite possible they are both disordered. It is like a pack of dogs working together to bring down game….but they will turn on each other when there is no victim to savage so at some point in time, they may go for each other’s throat.
In the meantime, I suggest that you keep on educatiing yourself and your children as much as possible and ENDURING the TORTURE of the “therapy” that is mandated by the CPS.
It disturbs me to read on LF how many different situations are brought on by The s-path manipulating well meaning but IGNORANT social workers and therapists into actually persecuting the one good parent the children have. That, and judges and lawyers going along with this situation. You have my prayers and my sympathy, 20years.
I suggest that you go to Dr. Liane Leedom’s blog “parenting the at risk child” and see what resources you can find there. I know you are NOT alone in your plight. There are other mothers and fathers here who are in the same boat. God bless.
Alina
Thank you all for your comments on the Restraining Order. After thursday’s incident I thought he had gotten the message but I was wrong. He was waiting for me at work yesterday morning. He was standing at the entrance of the parking lot I didnt stop and kept going. I am documenting everything, I also carry a camera and will get the wasp spray.
Thank you all again, it has been difficult sharing my experience as some people think that I am the one creating the drama by getting the restraining order.
Ox Drover
Alina,
Let “some people think” whatever they damn well want to “think”—-YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, and you do what you have to protect yourself. One thing we have to learn (at least I had to learn it) is that what other people think is NOT IMPORTANT and doesn’t DEFINE THE TRUTH.
skylar
20 years,
your answer is in your own post. You must lie and you must act when you are in the presence of a sociopath. Don’t throw your pearls before swine and don’t reveal your emotions before swine either.
You’re going to have to think long and hard and come up with a plausible story, complete with fabricated emotions and values to present at therapy.
In a way, you are very lucky. This is an opportunity for you to divert him off your scent. By creating a false YOU, you can give him something to attack that isn’t you.
Your kids will have to do the same, if they are to survive. I’m not sure how you could approach them with this information, but kids are smarter than we are sometimes. They learn quickly. Get them books on narcissism. My favorite is, “Why is it always about you? The seven deadly sins of narcissism.” by Sandy Hotchkiss. “The Art of Selfishness” by David Seabury, is another interesting read.
ErinBrock
Alina…..it won’t stop…..not for a Loooong while! This is where another dupe will benefit YOU…unfortunately!
After he get’s bored with you and finds another pal to offer him his supply…..it will tangle him up for a bit.
Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks……you have a good judge of what’s going on in YOUR life….and not one of those people throwing their judgements your way are going to be there for you. They will be the ones to say….OH GEEZE…we should have listened to her…..AFTER you may be harmed. It won’t matter then!!!
If someone doubts you…..avoid them…..don’t try to convince them otherwise….
They have not walked in your shoes.
Keep following through…..it took me years to get the message through!!!!! (and even now……I know he will rear up at some point agian!) They NEVER go away totally.
Death is their only finality!
20years
Ox, thank you for your kind and validating words. I think I am somewhere in between outrage and letting go. I go back and forth between the two. But I don’t want to dwell in anger… it does really help to hear the stories of people who are moving along the path of healing, or have reached the end. It gives a lot of hope, and lights the way.
Skylar, it is funny that you mention “pearls before swine,” because just last night, I was offering those words to my daughter (the one who is most afraid of her dad and wears her heart on her sleeve), to try to convince her that she needs to keep these aspects of herself hidden from people who will not value her for who she is. it is self protective. I believe you are absolutely right. it is hard to come to this place, deciding to lie and be deceitful instead of shining out the light of truth. But the “pearls before swine” advice is apt.
Because we are not yet at a place where we feel safe in being ourselves. We are still a bit vulnerable (I’m getting close — but my daughter is still extremely easily hurt by him).
Thanks for the book recommendations!
coping
Alina,
Without knowing your full story its hard to say so I can only offer you these words.
Protect yourself first!! You are ready when you are ready…it took me entirely too long to get to the point of saying enough is enough and quite frankly it would have inevitable taken me much longer if I had not just had a baby….something other than myself worth protecting.
Bruises heal it’s the mental shit…trauma bond..ect. that takes time. These people don’t go away!
Move forward in the path you believe to be true. It’s hard!!
I’m going to tell you something I’m sure most posters will disagree with but I believe it might be helpful at leaste in the beginning phases of NC. I wish someone would have said this to me:
1. Expect the worst and prepare for it (regarding personal safety)
2. Expect people to think you are crazy (you are not)
3. Expect to lose friends (the ones you lose arent real friends anyway)
4. Expect to discover things about him that will seem shocking…the extent of lies and manipulation.
5. Expect all of your personal insecurities to be exploited. He will continue to fuck other women, party, and spend money without giving you a second thought.
6. EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!!
Good luck Alina…really!
20years
Alina,
I had to get a restraining order against my husband about 12 years ago. It was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life, in so many respects. But you just get through it. It is necessary. Be strong, document everything. My heart goes out to you. It is hard to go through this with many people disbelieving you, or “not knowing whom to believe” so they say “the truth must lie somewhere in between.” Not so! The truth lies where it lies. And not with the person who is lying.
Hang in there, you WILL get through this.
Someone once told me that you will not feel “normal” until about 2 years after your divorce (or “no contact”). I thought that was helpful to keep in mind. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a long tunnel. It will take time. Just keep going, and you will get there.