How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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  1. tobehappy

    Stargazer…

    If I had to choose an “organized” religion, it would be Buddism also. I’ve studied it and it makes the most sense to me. I was raised Catholic and even went to Catholic schools for my education. I don’t condemn ANY religion, as I feel that all roads lead to the same thing….a belief in something “higher” than ourselves. We are connectied to “something” that we don’t have the intellect to understand, but we can surely FEEL it.

    It is however, not possible for anyone who needs to process their hurt and betrayal, to connect right away. I needed several months after the big shock to process it.

    Somehow, when I was ready to restore my faith, …once I understood that this was all meant to be for a reason,…which was to HELP me in life…not HURT me….I was ready to work on my spiritual and emotional growth.

    Byron Katie is not easy to understand. But, I do believe that the things we are saying to ourselves all day….are really coming from our “subconsious”…our “old tapes” from the past.
    By investigating them….questioning them when they come up, we realize that they aren’t true.

    After my shock of finding out lies from the x…(which my inner self suspected (knew) all along…something was “off”), I was telling myself….”You are stupid, you are a fool, you will always let people use you, your’e doomed for punishment because your self confidence is shot from your childhood…”

    Who wouldn’t be depressed thinking those thoughts? Well, I turned it all around. I consciously and at loud, told myself everyday…..”You are smart, resourceful, stronger now, and you rose above your abusive childhood. Look what you’ve done in your life..be proud and move on”.

    Just hearing these words from my mouth, as if someone was saying them to me everyday….helped me to move on and stay peaceful and NOT in a regressed childhood state of mind.

    I am no longer the helpless little child. No longer a victim becaause now I am strong and wise. I am not longer prey to evil because I am aware of evil when I see it…

    It took work. But, even though I can’t explain it….whatever I did worked. I am more peaceful and happy now than ever in my life. And, I don’t need anyone OUTSIDE of myself to love me, approve of me, appriciate me …to feel happy.

    I like who I am. I love and take care of ME.

    I thank God for the last b/f socio. They say that the ones who give us the hardest time in life, are our best teachers.
    I am glad that I met him and learned about what I don’t want in my life,…ever again.

    If you don’t learn lessons in life…you repeat them until you do.

    So true.

  2. Stargazer

    Tobe, Buddhism isn’t really a religion. It’s a philosophy that’s based on a practice – the practice of mindfulness (at least the kind I have been involved with). It is a very powerful practice, and I healed many physical and emotional ills with it. But I have found it is not the be all and end all. Sometimes I’ve needed to cultivate other relationships and make physical changes in my life, to stay in balance. You can meditate your life away and won’t be any happier if you are still doing things in your life that make you unhappy. The trauma work seems to also be a good adjunct to meditating. It has helped me not to be so terrified of my feelings when they come up. So much of it is preverbal. If I’d shown any anger when I was 2, I would have probably been killed. So strong emotion is terrifying for me. The trauma work is helping to remove the fear.

    I really resonate with your understanding and look forward to reading more of your posts.

  3. skylar

    I’ve come to think of the “higher power” as being the collective intelligence of all the organisms in the universe. And faith is believing that the universe is proceeding as it should. When we connect to that belief, we are relieved of the burden of trying to “fix” the world and make it into our own image. That’s when we say, “Thine own will be done, not my own.”

    But we can’t be forced into serving the collective universe, like a borg drone. It has to be a conscious choice. That’s why the spaths are so miserable. They made the conscious choice that they WILL NOT move with the flow of the universe. They must contradict the laws of reality and force the universe to bow down at their feet.

    Good luck with that, spaths. Trying to control the whole universe is a big job.

  5. tobehappy

    Star,

    What kind of trauma work are you doing? It sounds so helpful.

    I love Buddist philosophy. Its natural and it isn’t an “organized religion” with man made rules, which is why I like it. It helped me to realize what life is all about and how important it is to be in the here and now. I’ve taken a lot from my readings and I’ve applied it to my life and its helped me to stay peaceful.

    I realize that its always “relationships”….relating to people, and getting hurt and disappointed that has brought unrest in my life. Thats why I posted the other day that “animals are better than people.”

    I try to be kind to everyone without letting them take advantage of me. Thats when its time to be kind to ourselves.

    I love being with ME. I love reading, watching tv, painting, and writing. I love being with my pets and children. I like my “solitude”. It seems that the older I get, the more I enjoy being alone. I lived alone in my twenties, prior to getting married, and I liked my privacy.

    I like being out around people too…but not getting too close or involved. I keep an arms distance and I really don’t let too many into my personal life. I learned to really be selective with who I let in. Preventive.

  7. Stargazer

    Hi, Candy, welcome back! Having a man is only incidental in one’s happiness. 🙂

    Tobe, it’s called Cellular Release. I only had one session. I’m having another one tonight.

  8. tobehappy

    Oxy….great article. Thanks!

    I agree with you that you cannot just re-brainwash yourself to love yourself if deep down you dont. Its really not just “positive affirmations” that helped me. It was Byron Katie’s work. She teaches you to question what you are saying to yourself. Somehow, you realize that half the things you “think” or say to yourself …aren’t true. Then those thoughts leave on their own.
    What I did find useful to motivate me to move on and get out and change my life…was the coaching I did by verbally saying…”2b, you can do it”…..as if my best friend was in the room telling me that I can do it!
    When my friends would give me “pep talks” and tell me to snap out of it…and say “look what you’ve done..you’ve raised 3 great kids..etc”…it would help.
    So, I learned to do this for myself. Whenever I felt down or scared…I’d talk to myself. Sortof like nurturing the little child in me that was scared! And…it works. The anxiety goes away.

    I do this when I want to remember where I put something. I say…”Putting my keys on the piano”. Then later…I remember hearing that! Auditory learning!

    Thanks for the article. I have to say that I don’t focus on how I look as much as being thankful that I don’t have a terminal illness or disease to deal with!

    When I leave the house without makeup…hair a mess…everyone tells me I look better and younger anyway! And, men flirt with me more! lol Go figure.

    As Joy Behar says…”So what, who cares?” LOL!

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