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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Great conversation!
In my experience, once I took the responsibility for my choices in the debacle……it empowered me to become a survivor.
My therapist pointed out key words that I was ready to hear…..and when i found myself saying them….I’d stop myself and reflect.
“HE MAKES ME” XXXXX was a biggie.
It was a hard concept for me to ‘get’……because when your hit, ofcourse you’d feel sad/hurt/mad etc….BUT….NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEELTHIS.
These are our feelings….NOT THIERS!
Each time I’d be forced to stop and reflect on this…..I was forced to take responsibility for MY feelings/actions etc…..by MY OWN forcing!
By the willingness to own my own feelings/actions etc….I was less likely to OWN anyone elses behaviors.
Huge lesson…..NEVER OWN ANYONE ELSES SHIT!
Like Hens…..it was important for me to explore MY life/choices etc….to figure out how I got to ‘today’.
Since I didn’t like my ‘todays’…..I felt I had no other option than to explore from the start to current.
Doing so provided me the explanations about myself to (hopefully) avoid taking them into my future.
I am a different person.
Calmer.
Discerning.
less easily trusting.
Apprehensive.
More likely to call bullshit.
I developed self control.
Diligence, tenacity.
Patience.
A researcher.
Less likely to allow myself to be walked on.
Stand firmly in reality.
Gave up on ‘fantasy’ situations….and realized there is a price to pay for EVERYTHING.
and believe…..everything happens for a reason….and trust in that!
and I throw more stuff up into the ‘air’……to land where it may.
I realize quicker what I have control over and what I don’t.
I am more easygoing.
and the list goes on…..
I like the new ‘me’…….
I think you will too! 🙂
Hens
Sorry to quibble but must disagree with you on an important term. You were NOT EQUALly responsible for your relationship failure b/c spaths know there is no relationship possible and we had no clue b/c they do not allow equal playing fields. They are duplicious and sneaky.
We humans do typically mate and work out our parent issues within the framework of our partnerships. We all have “baggage”, it’s normal. But the sad thing that was withheld from us is that our loves, our partners KNEW from the getgo that they were only there as parasites, not to work out their baggage, nor to reciprocate love and acceptance while we worked out ours.
What I came to peace with was my choices to bury my head in the sand thinking that was how a woman “got along” in marriage. I didn’t want to be the B* or complain. But I realized by burying my head and hoping he’d come to love me, it was already too late. We don’t “earn” love from our partners. I had things backwards, there was no foundation to build on, not b/c of me but b/c of him. My part was ignoring that for so long that the consequence nearly killed me.
You Hens, were no more damaged than any of the population. And it’s healthy to want to be loved. It’s our nature to desire connection, that’s a drive that perpetuates the human species. Look at spaths. They don’t want love. They want to pull our wings off and squash us like bugs. They’re like Aliens from outer space really, they look like us but are missing essential parts.
Skylar,
While participating may include thinking of them, the fact is we do need to grieve, and with each new revelation grieve again and again. Without that we can’t purge and get to a place of emotional health. MY responsibility is to not HELP my spath abuse me, and that is certainly what I did when married to him. I participated in my own abuse. Talk about crazymaking! lol. mmmm.
EB
I call dibs on your list. Fits me just fine, I only add curious, quirky, and quick to laugh.
Katy,
I agree. I had thought that my feelings for my spath were reduced to contempt. But 2 or 3 nights ago I dreamt of him. In the dream, he asked me to accompany him on a drive… the dream goes on. He broke laws and lied and manipulated, in my dream. Just as I was waking up, somewhere between dreaming and waking, I realized that I had broken NC. And in doing so I had brought myself back to missing him. I really missed him for that moment. Sick.
Psychological hygiene is difficult but so important. Breaking NC, even if only in a dream, creates emotional turmoil.
I had grieved for the lie, but my dream was evidence that I could still be taken back to the denial stage. WHY did I choose to go for a drive with him, even if only in a dream?
I had a wierd dream that included the spath…….
As dreams are…..
I pushed a desk down a hilll…..and it kept going…..down the mtn. I chased it down and was worried about it hitting someone and hurting them…
It stopped behind someoens property and i noticed a beautiful, green and new Dicondra lawn I was standing on.
I layed down and rolled around in it….relishing the green soft beauty of it. As I looked up I saw a man looking from the house down at me. I felt embarrassed.
The man and wife….older, came down to the lawn… I asked them if it was new….and if it was real? He said it was plastic lawn. It was as if nothing was weird that I appeared on their property. I was accepted and we conversed like ‘family’ on an average day.
Then spath appeared carrying a small little girl about 2.
I was mortified.
The little girl ran up to me and I took her into the lake which suddenly appeared next to the lawn…..floating in a floating tube.
I swam with her to get her away from the spath, across the lake.
We came back and spath met me at the edge of the lake/lawn and said….what would I do if I I got really close….and started putting his face close to me…..I got up and left. (the little girl disappeared in my dream) I ran into the house, which became a maze of hallways. I felt secure I had lost him. I was adamant in my dream to lose him.
The man of the house appeared in one hallway and escorted me through the maze….he said spath wouldn’t find me.
He didn’t…..then I woke up.
I dream of him less and less……and kids too. It is disruptive to our daily lives after they appear in our dreams…..but I believe it’s necessary to the subconscience to process soemthing…WHAT….I don’t always know.
But they sure don’t upset me like they used to.
I’m happier.
I’m more positive.
I think of myself more often.
I too….laugh more (and feel it!)
Passen the list back to you Katy….. 🙂
Hi EB,
Hugs! Miss your bear stories…. they sure got me through a tuff holiday season last year.
Still sweating and losing hair!!! and gaining weight….. this will pass i know it will!
Ok Katydid I stand corrected again..
my list
going to bed ::)
I saw a bear last week…..ran across the street at the ski resort as kids and I drove down in the evening.
He was heading up near our house.
The other day our trash can was knocked over…..kids said it was a stray cat…..I think it was a bear! 🙂
My neighbor has them frequently…..but the way my new place is situated…..they could be out there and i’d not know. I don’t have many windows that see out the front and the back windows don’t see the ground level due to the hillside. And when i’m in my new office, My chair sits below the window.
So…..it’s all by chance now! But….I still have all my cool pics and memories!
Wasn’t it you who said you had hypo T?
Your symptoms sounds about right for that! SUCKY I know!
I just got my bloodwork back this week…..not so great!
I’m affraid my dr will be calling me Monday.
HOY!
It will pass…..once the meds are leveled! I told you it took me several years to level out at a good level for moi! SUCKY!
Feel better…….better times ahead!