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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: He told me he loved me and would someday marry me

Lovefraud received the following email from a young lady whom we’ll call “Suzette.”

I’m only twenty years old & I feel like my soul has been snatched out of me. I met him in my neighborhood; we’d been acquainted for a year. He contacted me out of the blue about how hurt he was that his girlfriend cheated (Lie#1). We hung out, I was charmed & wooed and he told me he loved me, & would someday marry me because I was the one. He just didn’t know if he could handle jumping into something serious. I settled for taking it slow. He claimed he fell on hard times (Lie#2), couldn’t find a job (actually wasn’t looking) and needed a place to stay. I have a giving heart and so I felt sorry for him. He lived with me for two months, and destroyed my life. He stole from me, told people I was obsessed with him & he didn’t like me behind my back. I lost my job, & I have twenty dollars to my name behind him. While posing to be broke and homeless, he had money & somewhere to live. I finally put him out because my family began threatening to harm him. I feel numb and lost. I haven’t been outdoors in almost a month because my life is nothing anymore. I used to be a college student, but got dismissed for missing days due to my life being so disturbed. I snapped & lost my job. I no longer have any friends. I sleep most of the day. I’m in a state of shock & I don’t know how I let this happen. I feel helpless.

Dear Suzette,

I am so sorry for your experience, as is everyone at Lovefraud. Please understand that this is not your fault. You were involved with a sociopath, a social predator who targeted you.

Why did he target you? I can see two reasons in your short letter. First of all, you have a good heart. He appealed to your sympathy, and you responded. Please realize that this is one of the primary tactics that sociopaths use. It’s called the “pity play.” He made you feel sorry for him in order to manipulate you. In fact, many sociopaths do exactly what that guy did—they tell you sad stories that are lies, just to achieve their objective.

The second reason you were targeted is the fact that you are going somewhere in life. You were attending college and holding down a job. Obviously, you are a go-getter, someone who wants to make something of yourself. The sociopath picked you because you are a success, and likely to become a bigger success. You had something for the sociopath to take.

Being devastated by a sociopath is always awful. However, I think that the experience is particularly bad for young people like yourself. Why? One reason is because young people are so full of hope and expectation for the future, and this terrible betrayal brings those hopes and expectations crashing down. Also, it may seem almost impossible to overcome such a setback, because you may never have done it before. Please know that you can overcome this.

I’m really glad that your family threatened this guy, even though you may be feeling guilty about it. It got the guy out of your life. But here is something for you to be aware of: He may come back. He may disappear for awhile, and then contact you again—apologizing, saying it was all his fault, he really does love you, you’re the best thing that ever happened to him, he’ll go to therapy, can you please forgive and forget?

The answer is no. Under no circumstances should you let the guy come back to you. I guarantee you, he will, sooner or later, pull the same crap all over again.

So what do you do now? How do you cope with the pain?

Honor it. Recognize that you were set up, you were deceived, and you were betrayed. You deserve to feel angry. You deserve to grieve. The vision you had of a wonderful future has been shattered. It’s going to take time to recover.

Here’s what you need to do: Make a decision to recover. You may be tempted to brush the experience under a rug, and try to move on as if it never happened. This would mean that the wound within you would fester. And such a festering wound will make you vulnerable to another sociopath in the future.

So face what happened. Feel your feelings.  Allow yourself to cry. Purge the anger from your body. When I did it, I envisioned my con artist ex-husband’s face on a pillow and beat the crap out of it. Maybe that technique will work for you.

At the same time, be good to yourself. Make amends with your family and friends they are probably just waiting for your return. If they still believe his lies—well, they weren’t very good friends, so let them go.

Know that you can recover from this. Recognize that you came across a person with a personality disorder. Millions of them live among us, so learn the warning signs. Knowing what to look for, and taking the time to heal yourself, this will never happen to you again.

And, with your eyes wide open, someday you will meet “the one,” and it will be real.


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10 Comments on "TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: He told me he loved me and would someday marry me"

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Suzette, your life is not over, it has just begun. I agree with everything Donna said in her reply. You are a good person, thankfully you did he family and friends and it is very likely that he will be back. Seek spiritual guidance if you believe and cling on to your family as tight as you can it will be a test of your spirit if he returns and you have to say no.

I only stumbled across this site in September and it has worked for me in so many ways. Mainly because I have no support. You will find encouragement here and you should use this site and your awful experience to your advantage. This experience if you allow it not to destroy you and you shouldn’t will make you stronger and more determined for success. You will find out how precious and how worthy you truly are. And that worth is not dependent upon how bad people treat you.

Your in my prayers. Many blessings to you.

Suzette,

You are going places in life. Don’t stop being you because of a spath. What’s good is that you’ve learned about these types early on in life, having the advantage of keeping them at bay in the future. I know that you feel crushed by your spath encounter, but you can and will recover (with time). You have a full life ahead of yourself. On more than one occasion, my ex-spath said to me, “I tell you what you want to hear,” thus hooking me, manipulating me, getting from me what he wanted, even if it caused me to suffer. These people are master manipulators, not caring one iota how they might harm another person, being totally cold, calculated, and selfish. I’m glad the S.O.B. is out of your precious life. Believe me when I say that spaths are human wrecking balls, wreaking havoc throughout their lives, causing untold headaches for the average person. Count your blessings because you’ve been spared more heartache from a mentally unstable individual.

Dear Suzette,

Donna’s advice to you is absolutely and totally the truth. Read here and learn about psychopaths and how to heal. You won’t heal over night so give yourself TIME to heal. Welcome, and God bless.

I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through this. Like you, I believed mu spath would marry me. I’m 29 and 6 1/2 months pregnant with his child. I lost a previous baby in january and while I went through the loss, he robbed me yet again of funds directly from my bank account. I purchased my own ring because he’s broke and I don’t want to go out looking pregnant and unmarried. He took the money I gave him for the marraige license and spent it on what ever he wanted. I lost my entire life savings (except my 401k) to him, and my reputation is ruined at the job I want to quit by him. I used up all my vacation time so I can’t even take off and I need to stay at work in the face of my enemies who laugh that he played me for a fool. I had to put a stop on my graduate program because of stress. Who knows when I’ll graduate. I was convinced by him to buy a brand new car because of the baby on the way and his lies to help me. PLUS, he is 36 years older than me and has told more lies than ii could imagine. But I’m pulling through. I don’t regret my decision to keep my unborn child and I have awkward but existent support from my family. When i audibly contemplated suicide for his last transgression, he hung up the phone on me.

You can make it. Make sure he can’t come back in your life again and you will be able to rebuild.

Wow these stories are sad. So sorry to all of you who have been lied to. I don’t think these losers know how hurtful it really is to a woman to be lied to like this. We are looking for love, and they are looking to brag, and make a fool of you. I believe these creeps are doing Satan’s work and they will end up in hell. Rejoice their eternity in hell is on the way.

bluejay:

Human wrecking ball! That was the best. Thank you for that! 🙂

I believe you are absolutely, 1,000% correct, pattywack.
Justification comes, however, sometimes slowly but I do
believe in karma and there is nothing guiding that but
themselves – hm? We were collateral damage in the
‘dramarama’. It’s sad for them; truly but at least we
can SEE it now and know to stay clear.

DONNA: Absolutely an amazing response to Suzette.
Very validating for me, as well. Thank you.

Donna is absolutely right.
Absolutely.

Dupey

Dear Suzette,
Thank God you had the strength to put him out. Right now you are going through many similarities to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I encourage you to stay on this site to process as much as you can. Maybe you can talk to a counselor too. You are fortunate that you threw hm out so quickly. Remember , many times they will come back again. Hugs and let us know what we can do for you. Gman.

Wok_chang,

I am glad thhat you have some family support even if it is awkward, and may I suggest that when the baby is born that you do NOT put his name on the birth certificate, put down “unknown” I know that is awkward too, BUT if he wants his name on the birth certificate or wants to claim “ownership” of your child, he will have to hire an attorney and go to court and get a judge to MAKE you get a DNA test which he will have to pay for….and hopefully, he will not do any of those things and will NOT BE IN YOUR CHILD’S LIFE,

And when the day comes that you do find a loving man to marry, he will be able to easily adopt your child, and that person who does not care can’t stop it.

If you think he will pay chhild support or be a good influence in your child’.s life I don’t need a crystal ball to say that NO he will not be so protect your child if you possibly can.

Take care of yourself too. It’s important that you take care of you to take care of your baby. Eat right, rest, meditate and decrease your stress any way you can. God bless.

Suzette,
I’m glad you have this site. It sucks is all that I can say. There will not be many people who understand the pain of betrayal. I would check with your local domestic violence and victims services. They may be able to offer you counseling. It is important to have a sounding board while you are attempting to heal. Also the violence Against Women Act allows you to receive this help even if you were not married.

Read, share and learn so that you do not repeat this relationship. I love the book, “Children Of The Self-Absorbed”, by Nina Brown. She helps to clarify the Destructive Narcissistic Personality (DNP).

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