REGISTER | LOGIN
By | November 26, 2009 126 Comments

Thanksgiving–count your blessings

By Ox Drover

I’m sure we have all heard the old saying, “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.” This “old saying” is true, though I think it is made up to inspire some guilt in us for complaining about the small things we lack and make us aware that we are fortunate to have the many blessings that we do have, which many others are not fortunate enough to have.

Another one I remember is, “Eat your vegetables; there are children starving in China.” I always wondered why I couldn’t just send the hated vegetables there instead of eating them. It would solve two problems: I wouldn’t have to eat them, and the kids in China would be grateful for them. My son D has turned this phrase around to joke, “Drink your beer, there are sober children in China.”

All jokes and platitudes aside, however, the feeling of gratitude for what blessings we do have is, I think, an important concept for our healing. The encounters with sociopaths, sometimes for decades, have given us a feeling of destitution and emotional poverty. The thing that we prized and valued most—the love that we thought was shared between us and the sociopath—turned out to be an illusion. We have lost this vision of the relationship we thought was so important.

When my kids were very little, if one had a birthday, we would get the other one a “consolation present.” It was never as big as the birthday boy’s present, but it was a token to show that the non-birthday boy was not forgotten. One year when they were about four and three, we forgot to get the non-birthday boy something, and so my mother wrapped up a nice new shirt in a package, since the non-birthday boy did like clothes very much. When it came his turn to open his package he was all smiles, expecting some sort of toy I am sure. When he saw that his expectations were dashed and he had clothing, however, his little face fell. He had not gotten what he had expected. I was gratified, though, that he looked up, almost ready to cry I think, and said the most pitiful “thank you” that I have ever seen a child force from his lips.

Our expectations of our relationship many times turn out to be like my son’s expectations of what was in his package, very disappointing. Sometimes even devastation follows the exposure of the one-sidedness of the true relationship, with emotional, physical and/or financial abuse as well.

Walking down the street and seeing another couple holding hands, we may start to have a feeling that only we are alone, only we don’t have someone who wants to hold our hand. This feeling of “poverty,” of “not having” what others have, I think, fuels our feelings of worthlessness, abandonment and sadness, and the loneliness of wishing we had the relationship we thought we had. We feel deprived of what we deserve by someone else, or feel that maybe we don’t deserve more, or that we got what we deserved and if we had only worked harder, we might have managed to make it come true.

I think those feelings of deprivation, those feelings of poverty of spirit and soul, tend to drag us down further into the abyss of failure—a failure that keeps us from appreciating what we do have. A failure to appreciate just how important we are, and also a failure to appreciate that we have escaped the clutches of a bad relationship, even if that escape was painful.

The appreciation of ourselves, of our unique value and worth, is important to healing. To appreciate ourselves, I think we need to look at ourselves on this (U.S.) holiday of Thanksgiving and to enumerate and validate the many things about ourselves we do have to be thankful for. We need to count our blessings, and assess the many valuable characteristics that make us who we are.

Even if we have lost our “shoes” we still have our “feet” and while we may feel that we don’t have “as much as” someone else, we still have something that cannot be taken away from us, and that is the unique spirit that is ours and ours alone. The unique spirit that can be grateful and give thanks to the universe for new opportunities to expand that spirit in new ways we’ve never before explored.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


126
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
breckgirl

Thank you Donna, this speaks to exactly where i have been emotionally for a bit now.

Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving indeed.

Spirit40

Happy thanksgiving !!!! remember you can pick your friends but you cant pick your family… or wait can you???

Matt

Happy Thanksgiving all LoveFrauders:

Last Thanksgiving was 3 weeks after I had driven the S out of my life. I remember waking up on T’Day and looking at the devastation of my life and wondering what I was supposed to be thankful for and how could it possibly get any worse? It did get worse. I lost my job and took some major hits to my health.

Today I woke up and realized how much I have to be thankful for. I’ve got a good circle of supportive friends and family. I’ve got a nice home and a few bucks in the bank that allow me to weather the economic storm for awhile, yet. I’ve been seeing a wonderful guy for 6 months (today he gets fed into the pirhana tank of T’Day dinner at my family, lucky him), and in the last few weeks there have finally been some bubbles of activity on the employment front.

I’m also thankful for all of you. When I crawled through the LoveFraud portal a year ago, I was ready to kill myself. You all were there for me and kept me going. I am so thankful for your support and friendship. You have helped me to create a new S-free life and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (and it isn’t a train driven by S).

Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Hecates path

Thank you, Oxy… beautifully said. thank you for such a gentle reminder. Happy thanksgiving to you and all our LF friends. I am truly greatful to have found all the wionderful kind people here at LF!
xo HP

P.S. Spirit 40- LOL at picking/not picking friends/family. My version is: “friends are God’s way of making up for your family.” 😉

Spirit40

Matt: you responded to one of my posts on ptsd, thank you , I also wrote back to give you some idea and I appreciate your input. Thanks again and I wish that you find a job that you love to do the universe will provide… the good can not come to us unless we get rid of the toxic, how can we find what we are looking for if we are stuck with toxicity…. I am grateful to the support provided here… its only been a few weeks and major life changes… people say they know the difficulties but they really do not….

Maryjane

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I woke up counting my blessings…Last year, I was with him and I was miserable but didn’t really know how miserable until he was gone and I have myself totally back.. and let me share this.. I had a real realization about myself… I have been corresponding with a man in Ft. Lauderdale for abour 2 months. We were planning on my visiting him the first week in Dec. He is retired, a former White House staff employee… and we shared photos etc and many long converstions. Then he revealed that he was recovering from leukemia and sent photos of his appearance now.. he was thin and had a gaunt appearance. He assured me that he was in remission. Being a kind person, and having enjoyed what I had with him thus far, I over looked this omission. But was thinking umm.. a sick man.. do I want to get involved..and his appearance was not of the handsome vigoruous man that I thought I was communicating with. Then he told me that because of his illness that he can’t be around germs so he inquired if I had had a recent HIV test and if I have an veneral deseases… to which I said no.. I get chk ups regularly and have nothing and am a healthy person and rarely get a cold.. BUt his question about STD and HIV was weird to me..But again being a nice, I thought he was just being precautious for his health.. as he are planning into the exact timeframe for the visit, he again asked me this.. I again told him and I am now feelingvery uncomfortable. He looks ill. He is the one with the illness not me.. and he is 61 and has never been married. I am beginning to want to blow it all off.. but I go on just thinking about it..
Then I get an email yesterday from him telling me that he is looking for a younger woman… I revealed to him that I am a few years older than I first represented. I laughed and laughed but saw it clearly.. here, me in my kindness was overlooking a major illness and a man that looked like he had HIV… and he couldn’t over look a couple of years.. when I look 10 to 15 years younger than my age and him and I am healthy and vigorous and everything good. Here he pulled out before me because in my kindness I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt…
WHEN really, when he revealed his photos after his illness and started asking abotu this HIV BS.. I should’ve said GOODBYE..
This showed me how I am so kind and open and think of othes that don’t deserve my kindness..

I woke up today.. grateful for being me. I am healthy, kind, and I have me and I am at peace. And I will not bring others into my life that aren’t up to my standards ever again. So this was a lesson and I learned it.

Spirit40

Style1: reminds me of a song…. forget who sings it …

Are you strong enough to be my man?……. its a feel good , are u up to my standards song…

We deserve much better…how you you find mr right when your with mr wrong…

Lessons are a good thing..

Each of us must find our own way, in our own time, at our own pace!

Cat

I woke up yesterday after a fitful night of sleep as I had posted on another article on here. I had let all those nasty emotions get in the way. Today, I woke up, put the turkey in the oven and felt a peace come over me as I sat down to read LF and what everyone had said. I know that there will be more of those days and nights and that I am by no means totally free of the effects of the P. but I also know I am on the right path and I have places to come to, like this, where everyone understands and shares. This site is my connection to sanity and peace. LF reminds me there are still people with hearts and souls, people who care.
style1, I can relate to this story. I’ve always given and I’ve been stopping lately to ask myself WHY I give and I watch who I give to as well. Your post was wonderful to read. It’s a great reminder of what we gain when we are finally free to grow and heal.
Matt, I am spending a few hours with my own family today, which should be interesting as they ex P. will be there as well. It should make for an interesting day! I like the piranhas analogy. It fits with me!
I might be down to having just the feet without the shoes, but today that’s OK. I have the feet and I can and am walking through life today. For that, I am most grateful.
Have a Blessed Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Cat

Maryjane

Yep,, it’s the too kind and understanding thing that gets us wrapped into things that are not good for us.. I always want to be kind.. but I don’t need to let them into my life. I do not want to be a caretaker of a man that is my romantic interest.. not starting out.. now, if a couple is together for a long while and one gets ill.. that is a different matter.. Had this man told me up front what he was dealing with, I wouldn’t have been attracted but he waited until we had been talking for awhile.. so that is the bait and switch deal.. then he pulls out on me..which is fine, in that I probably would’ve but.. I have to laugh.. he had real issues and he is concerned with me being a couple of years older but I am a still younger than he is.. isn’t that just like some guys… they have cancer, look like hell.. and want a much younger woman… No wonder this man has never been married.. and maybe why he is ill…

Anyway.. I sensed I wanted to pull out but out of that kindness in my heart gave him the benefit of the doubt..giving that benefit of the doubt is what has gotten me into all sorts of stupidity.. be ever vigilant and true to your gut and self..
and yes,,, I haven’t heard that song but it’s a good one..Are you good enough to be my man?
Here I was pondering a trip to Ft. Lauderdale to visit a sick man, whose main concern was my age and if I have an STD… LOLOLOLOO

and what is really pathetic.. he is a Yale grad and worked for three Presidents.. but what does that mean really? Nothing!

Ox Drover

Dear Style,

The thing is that this man was WAVING SO MANY RED FLAGS of DECEPTION, and whatever his illness is, that is a MAJOR DECEPTION.

I think the questions about HIV etc. were because he was ASSUMING that you two might be going to have sex during your “visit.” Also, it might be that HIS ILLNESS was HIV intead of leukemia and he wanted to know how you felt about HIV etc. and any associated risks.

This man is I think a bit over the top on his VISIBLE deceptions, but at the same time, I think there is so much OPPORTUNITY to BE deceptive over the internet and to “manufacture” a fake biiography that the risk of finding someone who is “healthy” in all aspects of himself who is out there waiting to meet you is pretty slim.

The statistics on available single men vs available single women aged 35 to 65 is about 10:3 with the women outnumbering the men. Plus, it is usual that men are attraced to “younger women” and that generally they have “more and younger” women to choose from, so if you are 45, the 45 year old men are looking for the 30-35 year old women, and if you take out the “losers” and the “drunks” and the rejects from the “available male pool” the ratio of good men to good women goes to more like (just an estimate here) of 100 women available for each 1 man.

I am 63, so most of the men looking at me, or considering me as a possible “catch’ would be in the neighborhood of 70+ years old. The P that I dated 4 years ago was my same age, but he wasn’t really interested in ME just another respectable wife to cheat on and keep the “home fires burning” while he was out seeking new worlds to conqueor.

The fact is that while there are “available men” out there, my guess is that most of the ones that are “worthwhile” as far as smarts, stability, emotional health, etc. are NOT having any problem finding an available pool of interested and interesting women without being on the dating sites. Therefore, my estimate is that MOST of the men on the dating sites are fakes of one sort or another trolling for a victim.

One study I read said taht 40% of the men on dating sites are currently married, so that eliminates many of them right there.

Your man saying he had never been married also speaks to a lack of committment. Though I have a very dear male friend who married for the first time at age 65 (10 years ago) that he would be a great guy and a great husband is very RARE. He did not marry because he was responsible for supporting not only his mother, but a large family of younger siblings and he chose not to marry until that responsibility was complete and his maother lived to be 98. He and his wife are very happy and he now says he wished he had gotten married earlier in spite of his other responsibilities. But that is very RARE.

I know several guys who have hooked up with female cyber-paths, my son for one, he married the woman who tried later to kill him, and several other guys who hooked up with con-women, but at the same time, except for my son, most of these guys are not someone I would want as a mate because though they are OK as friends, I see lots of problems with them in a romantic relationship, and so do other available women.

I’ve only dated one man (3 times) in teh last several years, because I am pretty picky, and this man was a widower, he is the brother of one of my long time neighbors, but on my last conoversation with him (on the phone) I realized that I did NOT want to date this man again—a red flag popped up.

Since I had NO expectations (hadn’t gotten emotionally interested until I had gotten to know him more) I didn’t have more reaction than a shoulder shrug and an “Oh, well….” and didn’t feel a sense of loss of a possible relationship.

There is a big statistical chance that I will be single the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t matter if I was 23, 32, 45 or 65, I am NOT going to settle for an UNhealthy relationship, or fish in a polluted “pool” for anything that bites my hook.

Style, I realize you are looking for and desire another relationship and I assume you want a healthy one, but I firmly believe that dating sites on the net are such a BIG risk that you are “setting yourself up for failure” to be fishing in that pool. I too would like a relationship and after my husband died I WANTED ONE DESPERATELY, but I no longer feel that NEED or that desperation to not be “alone.” I’m happy with myself now, and if one comes along, I will cautiously examine it to see if it might be a fit, but I am NOT settling for second best….or even considering people that are from a distance because it is very difficult to actually get to KNOW someone who lives at a great distance. i tis so much easier for them to keep up a phony mask, like this guy did with you, than if they live in the community where you can get to know them under all kinds of situations, meet their friends and family, and see that they are legit.

Even then, we can be hooked, as I was by a guy I casually knew for 10 years before we started dating, but because we had friends in common (including some of his secret girlfriends) I eventually got the information I needed to realize he was a psychopath. Otherwise, He would have fooled me longer and I probably would have been married to him when I found out he was a cheat.

I know I’m being preachy here, Style, but BE CAUTIOUS in any new relationship. They all give us the “love bomb” at first and it is so easy to fall for it. I DID! I won’t do it again! (Hugs)

ErinBrock

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my valued Lf friends…..

It was 3 years ago that I finally woke up, smelled the turkey and saw the light from BEHIND the train…..moving down the tracks of life, after I let it pass……
It was also 3 years ago tomorrow that I felt I was getting a nasty cold, as I entertained 20 of my family on an extended Thanksgiving holiday at my home. I thought I was just tired from all the prep and entertaining……not so……

My home was filled with people I thought would be here for my eternity, Parents, brothers, cousins and aunts/uncles……I was proud of myself for making the change and deciding to end my marriage….I was in a good place.

I had a month after separation to enjoy it all…..enjoy the peace, the independance….the serenity……..the thoughts of having my whole extended family in my home again was exciting….things would seem normal….I would carry on…..

Then……it all fell apart…….my life, my health, my family…..
I got VERY ill…..and for a few years…..
Most of my family chose to abandon me……and my life was turned upside down.
This was 3 years ago today.

Now….fast forward to today……
I have learned who to trust, when to trust and when to give…..This is a gift!
I have learned the true value of friends. Female and Male.
I have learned to live in the present.
I have learned I can trust.
I have learned that I am capable of ANYTHING…..and go after it…..
I have seen the value in myself…as a mother and a friend, a neice and a cousin.
I have weeded my garden of the ‘rif raf’…or ‘fix it tickets’…..
I understand my requirement for genuine, authentic relationships….
I have learned how to love myself.
I have discovered my own strength…..and know I can get through hell.
I have become wiser and more alert.
I treasure my support.
I don’t feel alone, and I know I rely on myself….because….this is truely all I have when the lights go out.

This is just a few of the things I am thankful for today…..
I have my health back, I have my kids and I have my life …..and I have choices…..choices that are ALL mine…..
I have faith. I have Love.
I will no longer give my coat to someone cold, when it’s the only one I have and the weather forcast is -20 below……I need to take care of ME first…..and when I have more to give (of myself), then I will offer it up……I will no longer ‘freeze’ to ‘help’ another.

I have come so far……and for that…..I am thankful!

We have been cooking, had a GF here already this morning…..and we will be spending the day with friends……together, sharing, cooking, playing, drinking and eating…..laughing and enjoying each other……
I will enjoy the environment I look forward to each year……Although this year……IT WILL BE AUTHENTIC!!!! It will be chosen company…..not default family, because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do…..and we don’t want to ruffle anyones feathers…..
There will be NO piranas at my feast…..because I’ve cooked em up and eaten em through the prior 3 years!

I’ve got both feet…..and I just put the sandles on……

Happy Thanksgiving….I hope we can all find something to be thankful for and take it into our futures!!!

Maryjane

Ox Drover,

I am just dating and checking things out.. I am certainly not desperate in any form.. I am content to be alone…I have been divorced for 15 years and had two serious relationships during that time.. but dated lots, one and two dates… I am a writer and have written a book and script about these adventures…

I just keep dating and looking as Ihave the time and it is part of my awareness and growth as it is both entertaining and educational..
Yes, I agree that the reason that he was asking about HIV could be because either he was hoping for sex or that he has in fact HIV… he talked about it too often… I know no one with HIV.. and am not promisicous and have never had this brought up in this manner…
And I realize that the internet is dicey…at best…

I have younger men after me all the time.. And I have had an interaction with a younger man in the past… and it was fun but became boring because of our differences in life experiences and intellect. I am under no delusions about men..

Not to be arrogant.. but I am fortunate in that I look 10 to 15 years younger than I am and have never lacked for male attention or companionship… and I have always been selective, but even in being selective..I have had my share of weirdos… real wierdos wrapped in attractive packages… Look at former President CLinton.. he is a predator… and look at his achievements… It is my conclusion that men are innately flawed. Predator is their nature.. so I, at times, play in their ‘pool’ if you will or as you call it…maybe I will meet man that is worthy of me.. and maybe not, men are such needy characters.. they aren’t attractive.. physically as they age most look hideous…..then they want a youndger beautiful, well-kept woman and it is laughable..
My deal is I know I don’t need one.. it’s they that need what I have.. my heart, my kindness, my beauty inside and out… I am the prize.. that is what I am getting so deeply now.. and on all levels… At one time, I thought I needed a man… now, I think that they are more trouble than they are worth…
Men need women..much more than women need men…

Maryjane

Yes, and concerning that man’s DECEPTION.. he also mislead his age by a few years and was recovering from cancer…

And he wrote to me that since I had mislead by my age that he didn’t know whatelse I might be misleading him on…

And with me, nothing.. he was the deceptor… so we have the projection deal going on with him…

As soon as he revealed his illness which is major.. I should’ve said good luck and good bye..

Rosa

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am envious of everyone who can sit down to a P-free Thanksgiving dinner.
I remember those dinners fondly.

And, I can definitely relate to those of us who will be sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with “undesirable” family members.
I will be having turkey and all the trimmings, with a huge side order of DYSFUNCTION.

I already played an hour of tennis this morning, to work off the stress.
And, this afternoon, I will be circling the table, waiting for the dysfunctional family members to sit down, and then I will sit as far away as possible.
It’s not going to ruin my day, though.

In spite of it all, I am still very blessed & thankful.

The human spirit is RESILIENT.

Ox Drover

Dear Rosa,

Yea, P-FREE and not one regret for that! Was a long time getting here.

I can look back at those long-ago HOLIDAY DRAMA RAMAs with my egg donor insisting that I have the holiday meal at her house with UNCLE MONSTER there—who made me want to PUKE in my plate just by being there.

About that time my living history group started having a living history exhibit and camp out at a state park near here so I jumped on that band wagon and went to the event with my FRIENDS! A convenient “excuse” to NOT HAVE the holiday mean with the egg donor and her brother UNCLE MONSTER.

In the 15 or so years that event has gone on, I think I might have missed a couple, on of which my egg donor was in the hospital with a serious surgery, though my son did come and relieve me at the bedside so I could at least drive up there long enough to say “hi” and eat with my friends, and I’m not sure why I missed maybe another one, oh, yes, I remember now, that was the Thanksgiving after my husband died (2004) and my step father was quite ill, newly diagnosed with cancer. And by then, Uncle Monster was dead so there was no problem about him being there. However, there was my P-DIL there which was somewhat of a stress since she didn’t hide the fact she didn’t like me, and I sure didn’t like her any better, but made an effort to be “nice”—PUKE!–“let’s pretend we are a nice normal family.”

NO MORE pretending though! I think that’s the best part of being P-FREE, but I do understand, Rosa why you have to play the game you do in order to stay in contact with your niece and brother. Ah, sometimes the burdens we bear! Hope your holiday is a good one in spite of the toxic vapors given off by their breath! (((hugs))))

Rosa

OxDrover;

Thank you.
But, you know what? It’s sort of like what we tell Tami about Biddy.
I’ve done all I can. And I will continue to stay close to my niece because my brother lets me see her whenever I want.
That’s all I really care about at this point.
The rest of it is really not my deal.
My brother is going to have to come out of the FOG (and he is definitely in it!!) about his wife on his own. Right now, he’s a willing victim.
And as the child gets older, it is becoming less and less my deal.
My niece will be driving 10 years from now.
It will be over, at least as far as I am concerned.
And when she turns 18, I will be dealing with her directly, and I won’t need her parent’s blessing or permission and neither will she.
There is going to be an end to this charade.
I don’t know if it is going to be a good end.
But, the end is coming, in one way or another. 🙂

~Thank you, God, for blessing me with the ability to LOVE.
~Not all of us have that ability….and thank you for showing me THAT, as well.

Maryjane

Thank God that I am alone and can do, eat watch, say and be anything that I want to.. I am free and I am blessed…
Thank you God.. I am thankful!

Spirit40

Style1,

I second that!!!! pumpkin pie is almost thawed out! freedom!

struggling

I just wanted to say, I hope everyone has had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

It has been a very good day here, after all the years with the p, the miserable holidays, miserable every day. I am thankful for my ‘feet’!!!! There is so much to be thankful for and this year the p isn’t here to mess with every thing until I can’t see all the things to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving!

hens

Style1 He is 61 and never been married..hmmm red flag —I bet ya a donut hole he was hiv+ and was hoping you were also or at least willing to overlook it. I wonder if he thot you might be a meal ticket? Want to find a predator? Get online and join a dating website and they will come out of the wood work. This TG was good for me. I remember the past two years the holidays were a blur..I am not suffering with hyper vigilance as before. But Oxy’s post made me realize how much I miss that illusion. And little twinges of doubt stick me now and then and I wonder, is he happy and me sad? Was it me that was wrong.? Wonder if he even thot of me one half of a mili-second? Of course he didnt..

hens

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL – DON’T LET THE TURKEYS GET YOU.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

I think i have to change my screen name; it isn’t buoying me up to type that in. 🙂

I am having a hard time today with remembering reality. (as someone who met their spath online and on phone, it goes like this: HE never died, HE never left me, HE never existed.

today, for some reason, I am thinking HE did. And all the attendant hurt that comes with that is nipping at my mind. Hmm, maybe because I am so sick today. I have MCS, and today is a very bad day.

I really want to know who that sweet boy is in HIS photos. cause SHE ain’t nothing like his photos. Starting with gender. The only thing I know that She and her sock puppet have in common is race. That’s it.

I wish I could be a bit more forthcoming here, but I feel/ fear there are spaths lurking.

it’s hard to get all those sock puppets jammed into the SINGLE spath shoe. ah, maybe tha’t why todya is difficult – I have been remembering the nasty of the mean sock puppets. You know, that was my biggest fear when I started to put this all together: that the nasty bf and the sweet boy were one in the same. The last time i talked to sweet one (his resurrection day), he even refered to things the bf said about MY emails. and how much he liked the bf reading MY emails, caused they bothered the bf.
Oh good f**cking Chirst. WHACK JOB! Repeat after me, Lostandfearful: “WHACK JOB!!!!!”

Okay, I feel a bit better now.

thanx.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

In reference to the ’hijacking’ of our ’pleasure’ neuro pathways in addiction and spath relations:

There is this one really dark space I go to with all this spath shit ”“ and it is a type of lonliness that feels toxic. So, HE (she) hijacked my pleasure neruopathway and filled it with acid. So, when I remember the oh so sweet of HIM, I feel a toxic burn.
Fk.er
her. i have to remember it’s not HIM, he did not exist.

Ox Drover

Dear Lost,

I hear your confusion, your pain, your anger, and all the other things that must be rolling around inside your head!

It’s okay to vent, it’s okay to ….whatever you feel like saying!

They build some sort of “neverland” that isn’t real, but we think it is real, and when it POOF! goes away and we realize we have been TRICKED, scammed and had the wool pulled over our eyes it HURTS! It hurts as if we actually “lost” something real, because for US it was REAL. We FELT IT!

Then we feel so “stoooopid” for being fooled so badly. But let me reassure you, there are lots of SMART people on this site that have been also “fooled” so you are not alone there, and you are NOT “stooopid” and you are not the first or the last to be conned by these wack jobs of EVIL!

Keep on reading, keep on learning, and keep on reinforcing that the VISION you “saw” and felt and thought was real was an illusion….but your pain is REAL, but it will pass. Maybe not as quickly as the illusion of the con job, but it will pass, so keep on walking the path toward healing, toward recovering your sense of a WHOLE SELF. God bless.

newlife08

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL !!!!

Thank you for the friends I have made here , the advice I have been given, the patience to listen and help me work things through.

Thanks to Donna for her devotion and dedication to this site and all who pass through and those that stay awhile.

Thanks to all those who write articles and share their wisdom –

and those who take the time to comment.

My life has been touched deeply by finding this site and others here – you know who you are !!!!

Blessings to all ……………

LouiseGolem

About five months ago, the man I’d been seeing for over two years started to become a stranger to me. He’d always been kind of odd and unpredicatable, but his oddness and unpredicatability compounded. He started telling “jokes” that were more frightening than funny. About three months ago, on a visit to my place, he started assessing the value of the things in my apartment, the art on my walls, my antiques. I kicked him out–I suddenly started asking myself – what if he has had other motives all along? Shaking all over, I entered a few keywords about his personality – especially that he seemed to mirror whomever he was with – into a Google search, and that was the first time I found a description of a sociopath, and applied it to him. It was chilling and frightening, because it fit him to a “T.” On that day, too, I found this website.

My first attempt at a break-up backfired because I weakened and went back to him. Fairly quickly, he got weird again. I broke up again. It’s been about a month. Still some contact, but I’m making myself more and more distant.

I’m with my family this Thanksgiving. And thankful, oh so thankful. This website and this blog were the first place that made me turn the mirror on myself. It’s been a hard three months, looking at myself in the mirror again, after two years of mirroring him. In addition to being sexually abusive, he was very verbally abusive to me throughout the relationship, and the break-up (and counseling I’ve sought!) has helped me see how he played with my brain.

Last week was the first week I felt that brain was my own again.

Now that’s something to be thankful for, and this website and blog has been one of the many things that have helped me. Thank You!

ErinBrock

Okay…..
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving…..thoroughly enjoyed myself and the company we were in!!!!!
Cooked, drank good wine, all the kids, friends and new aquantances……
It was wonderful watching the kids, along with my Gf’s kids take some initiative in the kitchen….some of the kids made deviled eggs, one did a chees plate, my oldest decided he wanted to make his mom her favorite pecan pie with homemade crust….one kid made gravy, one did the mashed potoes….All 11 to 19 years old…..it was really cool!!!!
The conversation ranged from real estate business transactions to ‘readings’ of our turkish coffee grinds….to avoiding detentions at school. Everyone gathered in the kitchen, no one disappeared off alone…..we ALL conversed and enjoyed….whatever age.

So we come home…..10:30…..I’m so wiped out (the wine/champagne) I’m sure! :), not to mention the glutten I made of myself!!!
We all decided to go to bed…..NOT BURN THE MIDNIGHT OIL…..
I conked out…..I got woken up by some banging noises…..I lay in bed wondering what in the hell…..they continue……whenever I hear banging downstairs, It always triggers me….I perk up and try to listen for someone who may be breaking in…….after a bit, it became apparant it wasn’t a break in…..I called my oldests cell phone…..’HEY…..what in the heck are you banging…” Okay….it’s 3am peeps…..I told him….I was in a dead sleep……you woke me up….he says….well come down here Mom……Sometimes when he can’t sleep (and God knows what project will come out of knowwhwere!)….he sometimes wants to talk…..so I crawl my butt out of bed……throw the robe on and open my bedroom door…..
ALL OF MY KIDS WERE UP and DECORATING THE HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!
Holy Moly…….the house is now Christmassed up! With the Little drummer boy (my favorite) playing on one kids surround sound loudly…..and all!
Lights EVERYWHERE!!!! Inside/outside….all kids rooms were lite up, bedposts, drapery, stockings, and all the garb……
I walk down the stairs in awe and they put their arms around me and hug me as we look up at all the lights…….
They say….You like it Mom?????

Yes……THANK YOU…..Mom loves it!!!!

I really am so very blessed!

pollyannanomore

Tonight I came home to a house that was empty of the lies I have lived with for a decade. It was dark and quiet and lonely but there was PEACE. His things are gone, his room is empty and several little animals are lying sleeping on my bed.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it will be brighter than the past because it will be the truth and real and not an illusion, making excuses or pretending things are much better than they are. I am sorry he is somewhere strange tonight and I am sorry I lost all those years. I am sorry for the woman who was buried under all the pain and grief of living with him.

Tonight I spent time with an old friend and consciously tried not to think of what has occupied every waking minute for all the time I can recall in memory = how to untangle and make sense of the enigma I lived with. Tonight I was brave and asked a woman I met if she would like to meet up for coffee one day soon – I think I made a new friend after so many years of hiding away from society feeling untouchable and inadequate.

I have many things to be thankful for. My health ain’t great but I know it will improve now. The animals who live with me are well fed and well loved. I have my mind. I have my heart. This horror has not ended my ability to reach out … and now I do it in authenticity and reverance for the journey to Hades I have gone on – no more lies, no more pretending a man who wishes me ill loves me, no more excusing his toxic behaviour. I am getting free.

I am so thankful for all of you here.

Erin – what a wondrous gift from your children and how marvellous you have such appreciation for it. Your love is flowing both ways freely with no impediments via a man who wished you harm.

Louise I can relate to your shock at finding a match in symptoms and starting to put the pieces together – I had the same shock, disbelief, horror and awe. Peace to you – you are further along than me – we are safer alone.

Heavenbound … can relate to the miserable holidays! Every special event marred by his pathology. I look forward to a festive season free from someone who wanted to destroy me and couldn’t hide it during times of celebration. I remember my disappointment every special event – I would put in such effort shopping and spending all day preparing special foods, choosing special gifts and offering it all up to have it treated with indifference or feigned gratitude (that didn’t come close to being authentic or sincere)

I have had something from the Bible running through my head in the last couple of weeks
“Better a meal of herbs where there is love than a feast where there is none.”

Style – that is how I feel now too. I don’t NEED like I used to. It would have to be someone exceptional that I would consider to share a place in my life.

Spirit – The song is by Sheryl Crowe and I love it … it fits so well with these sick relationships …

“God I feel like Hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot hide
Try and let me understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
Just let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me … I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me … but please don’t leave”

Matt – that is wonderful you have met someone special – a little time has brought huge change for you and well deserved 🙂

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

lostingrief

hi everyone,
sounds like many had a wonderful holiday with family and/or friends. it’s good to hear.
i am very grateful for everyone here, thankful that LF saved my life, and that i’m still standing. it wasn’t easy. 16 months NC, but i’m still counting because nothing has taken the place of what i thought i had … a life.
working 10 hour days at the thankless job of high school teacher, and college at night with a pathological professor. can’t afford my rent, but can’t move because of the bankruptcy. family is still seeing me as the ‘lost’ member who can’t pull it together. friends have disappeared, or have put up with me.
i’ve gotten obese, none of my clothes fit me and i can’t afford new ones. i look like a rag. my hair is three shades from coloring the gray myself. i am constantly in pain from head to toe, but my doctor is tired of taking tests and finding nothing wrong. i’m definitely depressed.
i spent yesterday alone, eating left over salad and chinese food, trying to work on four major projects for my masters, all due in the next 10 days. instead, i did almost nothing but sleep.
don’t get me wrong. i’m happy to be spath free. i’m thankful i have a job. thankful i have a roof over my head. but one twist and i’ll be homeless and will have NO where to go. i’m 51 — with NO energy to start again — and i’m basically terrified. i’m still going to church, but the endless ‘you create your prosperity’ speeches are wearing mighty thin.
this life is not of my design, although every self-help guru seems to think we create our own reality. i used to think that too. i have seen and heard too much to believe that any of us created or wanted what we got.
okay, i’m going down a bad path here.
i’ve never intentionally hurt anyone in my life, have always aided the underdogs of our world, tried to be good, have generously given, because that’s what i believe we are all meant to do.
now i’m just bitter as hell that no one is looking out for me, and i’m seen as just another fat, middle-aged woman to be scorned. when i threw that little effing s/p/n out of my world, he turned around as he walked down the staircase and said, ‘just face it, NO one fu#King wants YOU!’
he was right.
meantime, he still has his house and his wife and kids and his new girlfriend and their new baby and his 100K job and his car and 100 friends doting on him every minute.
i’ve tried SO hard to be okay, to smile and be happy, to pray and believe and work hard and move forward.
the reality is … i’m faking it and i’m tired.
thanks for letting me vent.

lostingrief

polly:
“hiding away from society feeling untouchable and inadequate.” ouch. :::crying::: because that’s totally where i’m at. i don’t think anyone should have to see me.
maybe i need furry little animals, too.

Spirit40

Dear Lostingrief:

They all say this : none one is going to want a fat single mother who is 40… LOL that is what you think a– hole… its really what they think of themselves no one but another victim is going to want a 40 year old toothless ex convict alcoholic with no future.

That is the truth not that we wont ever find anyone, we are the ones capable of emotions, we are the ones who can have meaningful relationships when we are ready, the universe does have someone special out there for us, I know its easy to say… but I believe that good will come to those of us who truly are worthy of it. They are not worthy of it, they reap what they sow.

I think your an inspiration for me, I am working on my BLS, then maybe my masters, he was jealous to say the least, after all I came from uneducated peasants and his parents went to fine schools….. he who couldnt get a decent job or into college…
devalued, did not respect me or my decisions to better myself, did nothing to boost me up just bring me down, well I refuse to be held back, I am stronger than that, he cant break me, I wont let him. Good luck to you I know I am quite new here but I read a inspirational quote by Iylana Van Zant…. when you let go of what is not working basically the universe will bring something that will work…good luck, keep hanging in and if we have to whats wrong with faking it … till we make it ..the longer we struggle to hold on the stronger we become.

Isabell

Today, I am thankful for finally recognizing the early physical detection signals that something is not right; and for having the courage to set a boundary to protect this Holiday for myself, and my children.

Growing up, “Drama Ramma” was always on the menu at family Holiday gatherings. It was inevidable.

My younger sister, whom I love dearly, is triggered by the Holidays to go into what my kids call, “Crazy Mode.”

I went to the grocery store. My sister called to discuss what she will bring to Thanksgiving. She wanted to know what I was planning. I told her simple, relaxed and peacful; a non-stress day was on my agenda.

Within a minute of talking to her, my stomach was in knots, and my anxiety level shot way up. Under the umbrella of her “generousity” she beganquestioning my choices for menu selections, how I was going to prepare them, and “told” me what she was going to do, taking control, setting the agenda, and dictating her expectations. Red Flags demanded that I pay attention to my anxiety.

Another telephone conversation quickly turned into guilt trips for not being as busy as she is, her daunting night ahead, without sleep, cooking all night, and questioning why I wasn’t in full food preparation mode so I could have things “ready for her” according to “her exectations” the next day. Mind you, she was invited as a guest to my house; suddenly the Holiday was about her.

Between food related conversation she started digging up the past unjustices that other’s have committed against her (limitations they had set with her, due to her periods of excessive drinking). And, I knew, this was a slippery slope.

By the end of our conversation there was a great deal of guilting for not raving about her on MySpace, or Facebook, jealousies about my close friends that are sane, rational, and totally supportive, protective, and value me. Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag…

Finally she brought up an family moment from 17 years ago, to which she has completely rewritten history; pulling out her big guilt guns, trying to convince me of her benevolence, and how she was the victim of conspiracy, and injustice. With that, I offered to show her the documentation, legal and otherwise (as you all know by know, I save everything), with that, she hung up on me.

The next morning, she calls my teen daughter as if nothing happened to announce she’d be at our house at 10:00, with the turkey, and other menu items. I sent a text back, telling her to check her e-mail.

The e-mail stated (in summary). “I am heading out to the store to pick up a turkey. The kids and I want a day without tension. I love you, and will always love you. Get some rest today.”

She called and left messages on my teen daughter’s phone, “Hi, this is Aunt….., Honey, I tried. I’m sorry, but I tried. I’ve been cooking all night. And, well your mother… I’m just really sorry. Ok. I love you. I guess I won’t be seeing you today. It’s your mother’s choice.” It was all very pathetic.

when I told the kids that she would not be spending the day with us, they were relieved. “Thank you, Mom. She makes us feel uncomfortable. When you are not in the room, she gets weird, angry and bossy; she treats us like we did something wrong. Then when you walk back in, she does that hyper goofy mode. She’s crazy.”

Yesterday, me and my three youngest children had a wonderfully relaxing day. They helped e prepare the food, set the table, and clean up the mess. We watched three movies throughout the day, together, listened to Christmas music, and fully enjoyed one another…Drama Ramma free.

For this, I am totally greatful!

Spirit40

UGGGHHHHH I want to scream………just rcvd an email, blah blah blah, hold onto the rest of my stuff with yours , mine with my stuff, I have to sell everything I own , does he not realize this ? does he really think I am keeping all my stuff in storage, no I have to sell what is in a two bedroom apt and move into a studio , its always about them he barely owns anything he can survive with one bag ?
I was doing well now I am angry and trying not to respond with my angry emails back, the first one I held it together… how can he email if he is supposedly in a “program”…… aahhahahhahahha I hate this !!!!!!

Maryjane

Henry, yes inquiring about HIV and STD’s was bizarre and there is something that he wasn’t revealing completely. But he was not after me for money.. he lives in a pricey highrise in Ft. Lauderdale.. but the point is that when he revealed that he had cancer or was recovering from it.. and who knows really.. and his photo of what he looked like after chemo, I should’ve said my goodbyes..but I was kind… my usualy kind self.. why would I want to meet a 61 year old that had never been married, had cancer and looks gaunt? STUPID ME!

THen he emails that he wants a younger woman.. it’s almost comical!..

Spirit 40…
Yes… mine little personal property.. he sold everything from the rental house that he had.. and he told me to pick anything to keep.. I selected a couple of things that are now in my house and that were his mothers. When he left he didn’t take these things.. and later he accuses me of keeping his property from him.. it’s ridiculous.. he would’ve sold everything had I not pulled a few pieces out.. and nothing is of any monetary value… and they have been in my house for two years now.. It’s just a ploy to talk to me, aggravate me and accuse me.. I cut off all communication months ago.. and will never see or talk to him again. He should’ve taken everything when he left. So I’d say don’t communicate.. sell whatever he left there…
And what is the deal with these people not having much property and getting rid of it so easy like it is nothing?
Is it because they live off others things.. or what? The ease with which mine sold his things was bizarre. Like nothing had any value to him.

Maryjane

Then his sense of entitlement to my house and property. And even my car.. he mentioned that when ‘his ship’ comes in that he will buy me a new car and we can give my Jag to his daughter.. He was like I didn’t exist in the decision.. he just pronounces this..

I think it like was are to just do their bidding..

And I turned myself into a housewife at my own house.. making things nice for him and me too.. but I got into that wifey mode.. and I was miserable.. Last TG was a bore, I was unhappy. I was stressed..
and this year .. I am at peace.. I did and had what I wanted.. and he isn’t walking around my house like he is some kind of a king.

Maryjane

How do you be kind without being a pushover..
I was reared to be kind and mannerly.. and predators take this as someone that they can control and manipulate. He was surprised when I wasn’t so easily led.. but still I was inflitrated.. like was this last guy in Ft. Lauderdale..
Why didn’t I drop the whole thing when he revealed he was getting over cancer…?
Had I told him this, he would’ve dropped me.
What makes me kind and giving others the benefit of the doubt..

Spirit40

They are not kings! they think they are but they will always be the frog that no one wants to kiss because they have wayyyyyyyy too many warts… frogs are really cute but …way too slimy to kiss anyhow!!!!!

Yeah he felt entitled to spend my money, and wanted to drive my car without a license who needs a license to drive anyhow if you know how just do it!

Humiliated me last x mas eve, devalue discard….. I could not treat someone that way.. yes I fought back with words but to humiliate someone, telling the truth about someone is a whole other story…. intentionally lying and hurting someone … inexcusable…

Maryjane

When I told mine the truth of how I saw him.. and stated you are always talking about these million dollar deals but can barely pay your bills and you have nothing in savings and you sleep in a bed that I paid for.. then you act like I am not as intelligent as you are.. and why do you call you children all these stupid nick names like they are toddlers? He left.. he knew I saw him and he left. He knew that his facade was just that and I think a part of it is that they need to keep that facade for themselves… the look of his face was beyond distroyed.. and I tell him all this after he rants on about my not saying ‘you’re welcome’ to his thank you for doing his laundry.

Ox Drover

TOWANDA ISABELL!!!

I am so oproud of you GF! You HONORED YOUR FEELINGS, and you SET A BOUNDARY—and true to form, she tried to play the pity party with your kids. I am so glad that they saw through this too!!!

Setting boundaries for these people is difficult because we are “supposed” to be “nice” to our family, but I tell you that if “blood family” is NOT respectful of your rights, your boundaries, then WE DO NOT NEED THEM. Period! that is why I am BC with my egg donor! She refuses, like your sister, to repsect me, to treat me with respect (or even kindness) and of course she BLAMES ME, but you know, I do NOT accept her blame. Her “opinion” is not TRUTH no matter how loudly she says it or how many people believe her.

Style, dear, that’s just the way they are, taking over, entitled to what is ours, and “living like Kings” as you say!

The guy in Ft. Lauderdale telling you that he wanted a “younger” woman than you is actually a HOOT–kind of like the “you can’t fire me, I quit” ploy when you are in trouble at work. ha ha I sincerely doubt that he will find ANY woman unless she is BLIND AND STUPID. Or unless he has enough money to buy a woman like Anna Nichole Smith as a woman/wife.

Where does being “nice” end and allowing abuse begin? I think the answer to that question is when YOU are uncomfortable with how that person is treating you.

A while back, I tried to help someone who presented herself as an “abuse” victim, but before too much time had passed I realized Ii was “walking on egg shells” to keep from “offending her”—as soon as I recognized this, I realized that she was conning me with her pretense of being an abused victim, at BEST she was a co-abuser in her former relationship, she felt entitled, as a “victim” of course, to not do anything for herself, but to have people tip toe around her and not upset her. Well, let me tell you, when someone else is providing the roof over your head, you are the one who should be accomodating to them, not the other way round.

I make the rules in my house, if I say “no smoking” you better not light up a cigar and then get mad at me for pointing to the NO SMOKING sign! You do NOT have a God-given right to smoke IN MY HOUSE.

If you want me to drive you somewhere because you don’t have a car, don’t gripe because the car you USED to have was better than the clunker I drive.

Any time you feel yourself being “taken advantage of” by someone you are trying to be “nice” to, RED FLAG. Anytime someone criticises you for giving them a gift because it wasn’t what they wanted, anytime someone tells you what a “bad” or “inadequate” person you are, compared to them, RED FLAGS!!! RUN!!!

Stargazer

I’m so glad I stopped succumbing to the peer pressure of Thanksgiving that says “you have to be with your (or another) family”; you can’t spend it alone. I actually opted to spend it with just my animals and online friends and felt very peaceful. Just so I wouldn’t feel deprived, I cooked a turkey dinner with all the fixings so I’d have leftovers for several days. I don’t know if I’ll continue this tradition of having to cook every year (usually I cook and have people over). I’m almost wishing I’d just gone out to my favorite Indian buffet for $8.95 all you can eat. the worst part is suffering the judgmentalness of my co-workers when I tell them I didn’t go anywhere. I may just lie to them.

I did actually invite a two of my massage clients (who are brothers), thinking they wouldn’t have plans. But they had some long lost family thing they were going to, so I was happy to be by myself this year. So much better than all the years of dysfunctional family events.

BTW, Style1, that guy you talked about with leukemia….I get the feeling your age has nothing to do with why he rejected you. I think maybe it was an excuse for something else having to do with his health issues. Just a feeling–I could be wrong.

Oxy, though I think the world of you, reading your posts about the limited opportunities of women makes me feel so sad and hopeless. I like to think of connections between people as having less to do with their age and more to do with the connection itself. I don’t think the spirit knows age. It only becomes a big deal when we make a big deal out of it. But I certainly understand this thinking because at 49, it’s something that goes through my mind during times of hopelessness. When I start thinking about my age, I can get very depressed about it. So I think it’s extremely important for me not to go there in my thoughts but just to be open to real genuine connections I could have with others. I certainly had more “opportunies” [i.e. more men lusting over me] when I was younger. But I feel the connections I could make now would be more genuine so it balances out. Would I get a face lift a la Demi Moore if I had the money, though? You bet I would.

Also, while it’s true that there are a lot of predators on the internet, I have read that 1 in 8 married couples met on the internet. Therefore, it is also a good tool just for meeting people. It doesn’t mean you should automatically trust these people, develop feelings BEFORE meeting them, or avoid scrutinizing them. They guys I meet on the internet are subject to much more scrutiny than the ones I meet in RL. Most of the ones I talk to turn out not to be predators, but to just be very needy. As Style1 says, I don’t really need a man, so a very needy one puts me off right away. Anyway, hope it’s okay to disagree with you on this. I know where you are coming from 100%.

Hugs,
Star

Maryjane

Setting boundaries… I just spoke to my father on the phone and had a deeper realization. While he and I are close, I never feel good enough in his eyes.. while I hear from others how proud he is of me.. so I grew up feeling disaproved of by a man, my father… so I try to pleased him.. then after my mother dies he dates this woman that physically is like myself.. petite with long dark hair.. even my sisters remark about this.. and they think that I am my father’s favorite while at times, I feel this but mostly I feel disapproved of.. so after talking to him on the phone, I have this vague unworthy feeling going on…and I am certain that this feeling is what lets me stay in relationships… I feel I ahve to be better on whatever level while the men aren’t really even good enough for me… but I think Ineed to be kind, considerate, understanding when they aren’t that with me…

Stargazer

Style1, just out of curiosity, could you identify the behavior that triggered this feeling? Is it something your father says, or the tone of his voice?

Maryjane

Star,

Thanks and I agree.. and it feels like a low blow to be rejected because of my age after I was kind concerning his issues.. and I agree.. that there is something off with him…

I also, agree that you can meet people anywhere that are bad and that are good.. internet or in real life… I have met just as many cons in real life… and on the Internet, you can question and talk before even meeting to ascertain and have things revealed.. just like with this Leukemia guy.. but had I met him in person, I would have seen his gauntness and turned from him…

I am peaceful but also melancholy in that, meeting good people that are who they are and not playing games and who are after things seems impossible.. I at times, wish that I could be like they are.. but then I wouldn’t have my soul and sleep so well and like myself … huh? And I wouldn’t look so young for my age…

Eyes… look into someones eyes … they say alot..
My last guy kept saying.. your eyes they are so beautiful, so clear… have so much light in them…. several men have been attracted to my light.. do I hide it? Or just be me and learn to be more discerning….? Boundaries and discerning… and self-aware and protective.. but then who can you let become close… ?? Learn to be self-centered and self-sufficient … well, I was and am.. and sitll that last guy slinked in.. as that is what attracted him to me…
gets confusing don’t you all think?

Maryjane

Star,

Well, he tells you about himself.. and what he is doing directly and, of course, I inquired.. then I tell him about me.. then he warns me about something… then he tells me that he is doing something and needs to get back to it.. I think it is his tone.. his self-absorption. He is a narcissist.. and was an alcholic, very functional and successful and takes care of his family, moral, kind, manners, prominent .. and that makes him who that he is.. he expects alot… and I am the best of his lot and my sisters are jealous of me to some extent.. and they exclude me and he holds me out as special but then treats me rather negatfull but he does that to others also…it’s confusing.. I just always felt that I was not good enough for him… even when I succeeded… he says good going but it doesn’t seem sincere.. thisis going to sound weird.. but I think that he wanted a woman like me as a wife.. instead of my mom who was subservient and quiet.. I make noise and stand up for me.. He told a friend that I always tell him the truth and that I am always right.. It blew my mind when I heard this..

Maryjane

I don’t feel good enough.

Stargazer

Style1,
That behavior of him always being the one to cut a phone call short reminds me of a long-time male friend of mine that I once dated for a year or so. We have stayed friends, but I notice every time we talk, he is the one who has to go. He usually goes into a long thing about what he has to do….. I have noticed this always makes me feel also rejected/unworthy of his time. As a result, I am beginning to limit my contact with him and keep calls short on my end. It hurt me for a number of years without my even realizing it. I consider it a form of emotional neglect.

If your sisters are jealous of you, no doubt they experience that same feeling of emotional neglect and imagine you are the one getting the “love” they’re not getting. I think this is one of the reasons my sister always hated me.

Stargazer

Style1, I also think it’s harder for men to talk about feelings. Sometimes they get overwhelmed, especially if they are introverted. I don’t know your father but it’s possible he thinks more highly of you than you realize but just can’t verbalize it. He may even feel threatened by a strong woman and not know how to respond. I’m just throwing out ideas because I don’t know the situation.

Ox Drover

Dear Star,

Yes, no I am not so concerned with looks of someone, but on what is INSIDE, but because many men are MORE CONCERNED about looks etc than what is actually inside, I realize there are ONLY A FEW men in the world I would have even with “an apple in their mouths, baked on a platter” so since there are relativly fewer men “available” and even of the ones who are actually “available” I woudl not want 99.9% of them anyway—so the statistical chances of a ‘relationship” tht I would be interested in is pretty slim, but I DO have RELATIONSHIPS, just not romantic ones—but that is OK with me now. I dont’ have to have a romantic relationship to be “complete”—and frankly there was a time when I felt that without it, I was NOT WHOLE. Now I realize that ONE is a WHOLE NUMBER, not just “half of two.”

Maryjane

Star,

I think that you are correct. Dad makes me feel that something is always more important than I am. And He does that to us all.. A couple of years ago, I was visiting him. He had been ill and a friend was with me and I hugged Dad and when we left the house my male friend asked, “Is your father ever affectionate? You were trying to give him love and he was so cold.”
And I thought about it. Dad is cold.. but in a loving way. I mean he tells me that he loves me and on occasion is very thoughtful. But it is kind of wierd. And he can be very cold of he is upset with you. I am sure that it is a form of emotional abuse. But on other levels, he is a good father.. Like us all, good and bad.. and yes, he has trouble expressing himself .. I can’t intellectually know all that but I still don’t feel good enough when I am around him and if I am supposed to be the favorite.. think how my sisters might feel…I am sure that they way that I was treated affects the men that I chose or that are attracted to me…THat is why this last one.. that was so affectionate was nice in ways.. He showered attention on me… it felt suffocating but I had never had anyone give me so much time and attention, phone calls, texts, flowers.. I didn’t trust it and it hurts when I questioned and then realized .. he was being evicted the day that he moved into my house. I felt slapped in the face. His attention was out of his need for something. I do think he had affection for me.. but he could have easily been for the next woman with a house and resources. He did buy me things, etc. He wasn’t cheap considering his circumstances. It is all confusing to me at times.. and I just got back from working out with a client that is moving away. It is like change and more change and I feel alone just now.

Maryjane

I often had the feelings what is it that men want? I am a gourmet cook, an interior designer, I keep an emmculate house. I am a former ballet dancer and keep myself in really good shape. I am kind, intelligent, moral and adventuresome.
I always feel with men that I am not enough. Like with this last one. I had a well-decorate house, a car, money, do my projects, workout, cooked him incredible meals. I turn heads when out.. he always commented how beautiful that I am. I cared for his dying mother.. and I became exhausted with it all..then when I met his daughter and she was an emotional basket case. throwing up on me that she had been molested by her mother in the first 24 hours that I met it her.. it was all tooooo much.. I felt dumped on, drained and what wasI getting out of it. I didn’t feel secure, happy, content, I got lots of attention and complitments but I also gave a ton… I do not know anymore how people get togther or why??? Men just keep wanting more and more.. He told me that he needed a supportive woman.. what woman could’ve or would’ve been more supportive? I was never sexually attracted to him even though he is handsome… so that was wierd and am sure hurt him.. but he didn’t seem all that sexual attactually.. I don’t know.. going through a down spell..
people need to be willing to work on themsleves.. and he sure gave lip service to that when we first met.. but in the end I got the blame for most everything… even no saying you’re welcome to his thank you… so why aren’t I ‘good’ enough… My father told him that he was lucky to have met a woman like me. and my father liked him.. he ‘thought’ that he was a man that could take care of his daughter but it was facade.. but we made a good looking couple.. it is all bizarre to me just now… I feel a bit alone now..

Send this to a friend