By Ox Drover
I’m sure we have all heard the old saying, “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.” This “old saying” is true, though I think it is made up to inspire some guilt in us for complaining about the small things we lack and make us aware that we are fortunate to have the many blessings that we do have, which many others are not fortunate enough to have.
Another one I remember is, “Eat your vegetables; there are children starving in China.” I always wondered why I couldn’t just send the hated vegetables there instead of eating them. It would solve two problems: I wouldn’t have to eat them, and the kids in China would be grateful for them. My son D has turned this phrase around to joke, “Drink your beer, there are sober children in China.”
All jokes and platitudes aside, however, the feeling of gratitude for what blessings we do have is, I think, an important concept for our healing. The encounters with sociopaths, sometimes for decades, have given us a feeling of destitution and emotional poverty. The thing that we prized and valued most—the love that we thought was shared between us and the sociopath—turned out to be an illusion. We have lost this vision of the relationship we thought was so important.
When my kids were very little, if one had a birthday, we would get the other one a “consolation present.” It was never as big as the birthday boy’s present, but it was a token to show that the non-birthday boy was not forgotten. One year when they were about four and three, we forgot to get the non-birthday boy something, and so my mother wrapped up a nice new shirt in a package, since the non-birthday boy did like clothes very much. When it came his turn to open his package he was all smiles, expecting some sort of toy I am sure. When he saw that his expectations were dashed and he had clothing, however, his little face fell. He had not gotten what he had expected. I was gratified, though, that he looked up, almost ready to cry I think, and said the most pitiful “thank you” that I have ever seen a child force from his lips.
Our expectations of our relationship many times turn out to be like my son’s expectations of what was in his package, very disappointing. Sometimes even devastation follows the exposure of the one-sidedness of the true relationship, with emotional, physical and/or financial abuse as well.
Walking down the street and seeing another couple holding hands, we may start to have a feeling that only we are alone, only we don’t have someone who wants to hold our hand. This feeling of “poverty,” of “not having” what others have, I think, fuels our feelings of worthlessness, abandonment and sadness, and the loneliness of wishing we had the relationship we thought we had. We feel deprived of what we deserve by someone else, or feel that maybe we don’t deserve more, or that we got what we deserved and if we had only worked harder, we might have managed to make it come true.
I think those feelings of deprivation, those feelings of poverty of spirit and soul, tend to drag us down further into the abyss of failure—a failure that keeps us from appreciating what we do have. A failure to appreciate just how important we are, and also a failure to appreciate that we have escaped the clutches of a bad relationship, even if that escape was painful.
The appreciation of ourselves, of our unique value and worth, is important to healing. To appreciate ourselves, I think we need to look at ourselves on this (U.S.) holiday of Thanksgiving and to enumerate and validate the many things about ourselves we do have to be thankful for. We need to count our blessings, and assess the many valuable characteristics that make us who we are.
Even if we have lost our “shoes” we still have our “feet” and while we may feel that we don’t have “as much as” someone else, we still have something that cannot be taken away from us, and that is the unique spirit that is ours and ours alone. The unique spirit that can be grateful and give thanks to the universe for new opportunities to expand that spirit in new ways we’ve never before explored.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
wow – that’s an amazing family situation – I was just reading the doreen situation in the bath and was like ‘OMG no effing way!” It’s sick but I guess I couldn’t see it when I was in the midst of it – mind you he didn’t really do blatant things like that and when it’s mixed with a love situation as well – well “love” lol
That must be so frustrating for you to watch knowing what you know – have you tried talking with either of them about what you learned or are they just lost causes? It seems that some people don’t want to know till they’re good and ready. Personally I wish someone had noticed, diagnosed and identified what I was dealing with – I desperately wanted some advice and nobody recognised the abuse I was suffering.
So far two full days NC – he will be back in contact to sort out the final bits but already with two days under my belt I feel stronger to deal with him – amazing what a difference a couple of days makes. I am still thinking about it a lot but will just keep journalling what comes up and reading reading reading. Found several books at the lib I was going to buy on Amazon – so any saving is good 🙂
I am starting to wonder if there are any actually healthy men out there – between personality disorders, the bias towards pornography and traditional male privilege still operating I think maybe they are few and far between. So if you find one can you clone him for me? 😛
@hens
we met on line in late march/ early april. and were on phone a few weeks later. my intentions were platonic at that at that time. (it wasn’t a ‘dating’ website) I was going to be in ‘his city’ in mid may and made arrangements to meet him. can’t tell you the list of things that went wrong that he couldn’t make it.
…and every other time.
hard to make appts. when one is dying from the latest complication of a list of diseases that would kill a less noble creature 5 times over. I knew by July that I would never meet him. And by august the suicide attempts were compounding. I remember losing a whole day to ‘talking him down’ , then talking myself down from the huge adrenaline rush – and having to work the next day to make up for the time lost. And not knowing if he would be alive the next.
Knowing what i know about this person now, I was being set up for the next phase of it after ‘he died’, and quite possibly she would have tried to move in with me as the ‘sister’ (and certainly she was grooming me for it, but i wans’t having it- I knew i was being fucked with), which she has done in the past, actually living with one of her dupees as the loivng sister of the ‘dead’ man the woman had involved with for a VERY long time.
She was fucking with a couple of other people also, so maybe it would have been one of them, both as the boy and the sock puppets on the webiste, on a blog or two, on phone and on FUCKING TWITTER. She is still fucking with them. I can see it daily – I try to look less, and coming here helps in that enadevour.
Sometime when I feel safe enough here (and I do feel the lurk of spath here) I will tell more of the story.
Hey Boys and Girls, Happy Thanksgiving. Reading these posts last nite and this morning made me feel like I was enjoying news from old freinds, with whom I have shared much. I used to post as “eyeswideshut”, but there has been a glitch with my screen name, so here I am again.
So many keen and helpful observations, and wonderful sharing here as always. Erin, I LOVED your recount of the joy you had with your young ones, and JAH, Matt, Henry, LIG, all of you, in many ways I feel we have shared more insights than with some of my “bricks and mortar” freinds, having shared the experience of a P in our lives. And the ever faithful, ever wise and funny OXY, TOWANDA to all.
Presently, I am grateful for so very much, the kindness of freinds, that allows me to have a roof over my head, the love of my adult children, and the love for them, their beings, their principaled compassionate ways of being, their sense of being accountable, their gifts and talents and so on. And I am proud of my gifts and talents, the drive it has taken to find a job, after 25 yrs of being self employed, at my age, in this environment, and keep it, so far, and enjoy it to boot. I am proud that I have adjusted, after 25 years of being “looked after” (abused) that I am looking after myself. I am proud of my powers of adaptation and my creative optimistic attitude. And I am very proud that I have stood up to the P. In court.
Some of you may remember that I was able to get a court order that seized his passport, his computer, and froze his bank account, forbidiing him to do any biz with any financial inst. ANYWHERE.
Well, presently I am preparing for my case conference next week, where I get to respond , finally , to his “answer” to my voluminous evidence of his guilt in forging my name and raping our businesses, depleting funds blah blah – while of course leaving me with nothing.( I till the bitter end trying to “help” turn things around, to be part of the “team” that we were, keep the “family” together ad nauseum”).
The things he is expecting the court to believe are so laughable- his arrogance is so breathtaking, I am still sometimes gobsmacked by his hubris.
That however, doesn’t mean that he will not get away with it. After pleading poverty and poor him is scraping by on a lowly pension, and about to be evicted, can’t afford a lawyer blah blah…he will be represented,(hopefully by a lawyer in a cheap suit) while I have no choice but to self rep… and is driving a nice new exotic car, and …wait for it…crocidile tears here….can’t account for what happened to the $25K he put up as a deposit on a yacht no less…because he was the victim of a scam….poor little mister offshore account bragging…fancy getaway vacation taking, Ferrari driving…fine dining restaurant eating him, court order violating, him. Like any self respecting P – his “answer” has been to issue blanketdenials, without evidence, to aks for his rights back, while promising to account for the looted funds at a later date, (trust me) and
try to bully me by saying I OWE HIM a large sum of $$. Are we seeing a pattern here? Sound just about right for a P? If it wasn’t my movie I would be laughing. Well sometimes I do actually..he is a cartoon. I just hope that judge will have seen this comic strip before and tell it like it is.
These sentiments of mine may be confused with bitternes…well actually they are a laser guided resolve to get some justice…to be a ball and chain to his arrogance and his sense of entitlement – to get some relief for what I was robbed of. I know many of you have been through this. And we have had some victories, large and small.
What I am really grateful for also is that, I have found here at LF a community of people who understand, who have survived, thrived, grown and rejoiced. Altho I don’t post much, I read at least twice a week here, and always am enriched by your insights, your courage, your zest for the good in life and people, all of you.
I have known more cleare pure joy and happiness since leaving him than anything I could experience during the fog of life with him ( other than moments with my kids – but even then – all was comprimised by the lie).
I am poor, I can only look at the future in short increments, or else the fear and dread becomes too much…but I do have my own self awareness..I am able to be true to myself and look towards living a life that is consistent with my values.
And what I wanted to share with y’all here today..is I have chosen, recently, to give up a long affair with alcohol, which became my “freind” and “partner” in all the lonely emotionally abandoned years with my super successful P. In the almost 2 yrs. since the split…I used the bottle to drown out and work through and hide and forget and party on any way the hell with him and so on.
I chose this for myself, but of course to take from him the one big weakness in me that he used and encouraged (obliquiqly (sp?) like a good P) is also a big reward. He has even taken it upon himself to tell my adult sons how ruthless he will be in court – talking about my drinking etc…Well no actually..now that you are gone…and I have drowned my sorrows for another 18mos. I am ready to take me back.
There is nothing more to get over or hide from. You and your sorry assed drama and crisis, your fake love and fake “strength” ( cold blooded aloofness – passing as stoicism – in the midst of fake crisis – created for the benefit of gaslighting and undermining my reality)
Now I have made freinds with me…I have embraced the sober me…that was there all along. I am joyous. The inner trembling and anxiousness is subsiding..I can see.
So perhaps it is appropriate that I lost my screen name”eyeswideshut” and was given my other online nickname “anitasee”.
Wish me luck in court, I will be there with both barrels blazing and the truth on my side.
And thanks for being my place to rant fromtime to time…nobody else can really get it unless they have been there, can they?
Peace and love to all.
.
@anitasee
Hi anitasee,
I am new here. Thank you for this line, “well actually they are a laser guided resolve to get some justice’. This is also a place I am in. My situation is different as there is no financial fraud, although the time I spent dealing with the cirsis and drama has definitely effected my ability to deal with the increasingily dire circumstances in my life.
All the best with pouring the 40 pounder down the sink, rather than the gullet. This is AWESOME! Good luck and good grace with your recovery.
one step
Dear Anitasee, or eyes WIDE OPEN!!!!
So good to see you back and to hear your self affirming strength and RESOLVE! So good to hear that you are making it too, one day at a time, and congratulations on you giving up alcohol!
I am so PROUD OF YOU, AND PROUD FOR YOU!!! YOU ROCK!
You have crossed the bottomless abyss, built your own bridge and made it across. HOW STRONG IS THAT? How AWESOME is that! I am so glad that you shared the “REST OF THE STORY” and let us know you are doing well! That is important in our “LF family” to get information back from those of us who have gone on to success!
You have learned so much, accomplished so much and we need you back here to extend that knowledge and compassion to others who are just starting that journey! (((hugs)))) and always my prayers!
Anitasee:
You go girl! Congratulations on taking care of yourself. Best of luck with your case. Stay strong – don’t react to what are sure to be ridiculous accusations (unless the judge lets you laugh).
Rosa,
It is amazing what you say about your family. How your brother can recognize the dysfunction in your moms relationship and she can do the same in his. But both are blind to their own toxic partners.
I would assume that you and your mother have discussed your brothers relationship w/his wife because of your concerns about their little girl. Does your mom actually recognize the DIL to be of sociopathic nature? Or does she not really know anything about personality disorders and just chalk her up to be a “looser”?
It is very interesting that they can be so “close” to this type of disorder and “see” it on the other side but NOT when it is REALLY up close and personal. Has either of them read any of the books, perhaps the one you mentioned? The S next door?
It must be very frustrating for you to see it ALL unfolding in each of their lives. Without much you can do about it.
Have you recieved the book I suggested yet?
Anitasee:
WOW…..you are sounding so very strong!!!
THIS IS GREAT! WONDERFUL NEWS!!!
Congratulations on your decision to take YOU back!
Take it away girl.
I know your ready for court……prioritize what you need and use the body language I have posted in prior posts…..
It flusters them, they lose track and……..the rest is ……..
I know all the work you put in, and I know the lack of confidence in the system…….BUT……This is the end of the war…….so bring out all the guns!!!!
I send you my mojo for one hellofa day in court!!!!
Good luck!
XXOO
EB
Thank you all for your support, I cannot tell you how much it means. I am hunkered down and avoiding my “real” freinds so they don’t have to hear any more of this sorry assed tale.
Erin, I will be thinking of you and your sound advice. No tears, no drama, head high, ears open, mouth shut. Calm, serene, secure in my truth. A righteous babe. With an axe to grind.
P.S. Just to weigh in on the “finding a good man” topic….strangely, after a life of loneliness with my “husband” (for you newbies 27 yrs.) I now rarely if ever feel a twang of loneliness. Just peace. I flirt on line a bit in a very passive way—(people send me their profiles – I leave it there) just for the titillation of having someone respond to my picture and profile….but I know I am not ready for a healthy relationship until the P is “taken care of” (tee hee).
What I feel in my heart of hearts, is that soon I will have the time and energy to pursue other causes that I have cared about deeply for some time (activism around issues of corporate usurpation of our democratic rights/freedoms) – and in time the pursute of these interests will lead me to like minded people – where perhaps, just perhaps, a man of good character will present himself…in short, I believe that if I go about doing what I care about, I might just meet someone worth caring about.
And I remember well that it was intense loneliness and feelings of being unloved that drove me to accept and desire the false “love” of the P in the first place. No more. We have all learned from Donna and each other on this. Me first when it comes to love. The rest will follow. And if it does not, our lives are still rich with genuine freindship, a deep inner life, and the meaning that comes with living honestly.
Hugs,
Dear Anitasee,
YOU GOT IT SISTER!!!
QUOTE: ” And if it (romantic love) does not, our lives are still rich with genuine freindship, a deep inner life, and the meaning that comes with living honestly.”
The feeling of being WHOLE without a romantic partner is wonderful to me. sure, there are twinges once in a while when I woujld like one, but not DESPAIR or NEEDYNESS or LONLINESS that pulls me down for days, weeks. That makes me feel like half a human. My opinion is that until we reach that stage of WHOLENESS any attempt at finding a romantic relationship is going to be disadvantaged because we will lower our boundaries and I know I was so afraid to “lose” my X-BF-P that I would have done almost anything I think to have kept him with me— until one day, the scales fell from my eyes and I saw what he was and that he would never respect or love me, I was just ….a prop to him.
You sound like you have got all your “chit in one sock” anita! You go girl! TOWANDA! and big hugs and my prayers fo ryour success in court! Either way though, YOU ARE A WINNER!!!