Last week, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
Not sure if you ever pick up on things that go on in the television arena, but Hollywood hit a new low this week with the third installment of The Bachelorette.
The producers are supposed to pick fabulous, eligible bachelors, not sociopaths who set out to do psychological harm. As soon as it became evident that Bentley was without a conscience, purposely setting out to hurt Ashley Hebert, lure her in with false words while telling the cameras (behind her back) that she was ugly, not his type, blah, blah, blah, the producers had an obligation to tell Ashley the truth. But they chose to let Bentley ambush her and break her heart.
But hey, that’s Hollywood, right? Whatever it takes to make a buck and get ratings.
Anyway, you should check it out. You could write a GREAT column about the psychology behind the whole thing, and teach women a lesson about how the sociopath will charm you to your face and knife you in the back… while people you trust allow it to happen.
Personally, I think the producers must have sociopathic tendencies to allow a sweet, innocent woman to be mentally raped like that. In fact, she is being mind-raped all over again, because Ashley is seeing this camera footage for the first time along with the rest of us.
I have never watched The Bachelorette, which airs on ABC, so I didn’t know what this reader was talking about. But full episodes of the show are on the Internet, so I spent the past few days watching them.
I was astounded. There it is, in full motion and living color: the capsulized story of a sociopathic interaction, on the reality TV show, The Bachelorette.
Competing for love
Here’s the premise of the show. Twenty-five guys are contestants, all competing to win one woman’s heart. On the first night, they vie for her attention at a cocktail party. On subsequent episodes, they go on group dates and one-on-one dates. At the end of each episode, there’s a “rose ceremony,” in which the woman gives roses to those whom she wants to get to know further. Men who don’t receive roses go home.
The woman, Ashley Hebert, was the third-place finisher on the companion show, The Bachelor, last year. In the initial episode of this season’s Bachelorette, Ashley reveals that she felt like she let her insecurities get in the way of expressing how she really felt about Brad Womack, the bachelor, and she is determined not to let that happen again. She’s going to give this opportunity to find true love, a husband, everything she’s got.
I must admit, the men are handsome, accomplished, entertaining—if I were 25 years younger, unmarried, and the bachelorette, I’d be in heaven. What really strikes me is how they are all so earnest about wanting to make a connection, wanting to find love—all of them, that is, except for Bentley Williams.
Warning ignored
The format of the show mixes live action—Ashley and the men interacting—with interviews, during which Ashley and the men talk about their impressions of what is going on. Right from the very beginning, Bentley says in his interviews that he doesn’t find Ashley to be attractive and really doesn’t care about her. He’s on the show for the game of it.
What’s truly amazing is that Ashley was warned about this before the show even started. She reveals in the first episode that she received a text message from a friend. Bentley, she was warned, was not on the show for the right reasons. Yet Ashley says she wants to make up her own mind. She’s going to give Bentley a chance
Bentley works his charm on Ashley. All the while, in the direct-to-camera interviews, he’s talking about how he has no interest in Ashley. He’s only there because he’s competitive, and he wants to win.
Well, Ashley falls for him. Quickly. “It’s like game over before the start button is pushed,” Bentley says in an interview.
For Bentley, there’s no longer any reason to continue. He got what he wanted—Ashley’s affections. Bentley decides to leave the competition. “I’m going to make Ashley cry,” he says to the camera. “I hope my hair looks okay.”
Bentley uses his two-year-old daughter as an excuse, telling Ashley that the girl is the most important thing in his life, and he can’t be away from her. Yeah, right.
Ashley is heartbroken.
True sociopathic relationship
This is the most accurate, complete depiction of a sociopathic relationship that I have ever seen on television.
Ashley is honest and genuine in her desire to find true romance, a husband. She is warned that Bentley’s intentions are not honorable. She decides to give him a chance. He works his charm, and she falls for him. Even as Bentley is dumping her, Ashley accepts his explanations. Then she cries herself to sleep.
Bentley doesn’t care at all about Ashley. He clearly thinks he is superior to all the other men, and is only there to beat them, to win. He mixes charm with the pity play, literally sweeping Ashley off her feet and carrying her to a romantic moment in front of a fireplace, then talking about how much he misses his daughter. Finally, bored, he does the devalue and discard routine, and couldn’t care less.
If you’ve had trouble explaining what it’s been like to be involved with a sociopath, tell your friends and family to watch the first three episodes of this show. The whole process is right there. A word of caution for you, though—it may trigger emotional reactions. It did for me.
Outrage
Millions of people were outraged by Bentley’s behavior. They were outraged that the producers allowed him to stay on the show, knowing that he was insincere.
This week’s People magazine features Ashley Hebert on the cover, with the headline of ”˜I feel so betrayed.’ The article says producers were criticized for casting Bentley, and showcasing his behavior. The producers defend themselves by pointing out that Ashley herself gave Bentley the roses to keep him on the show.
Should the producers have yanked Bentley from the show? For Ashley, I’d say yes. But for the rest of the world, though, watching Bentley is incredibly instructive, if he is described as what he is—a sociopath.
The producers aren’t going to do that—but we can. Tell people who don’t get it to watch the first three episodes of The Bachelorette. Tell people 1% to 4% of the population are sociopaths, and these people behave just like Bentley. Tell people that they are charming, they are slick, and can fool anyone—even people who have been warned.
Full episodes are online. To really see the drama unfold, start with Week One, Part One—you’ll have to click the arrow on the right side of the screen.
The Bachelorette on ABC.go.com
The fourth episode of the show airs tonight on ABC. Bentley is gone, and Ashley has to pick up the pieces and move on. I think I’ll watch it. Aside from all of Bentley’s sociopathic drama, the other men seem so sweet, so authentic, that it warms my heart. As I wish for all of us, I hope that Ashley finds love after the sociopath is gone.
Media fallout
The producer, Chris Harrison, talks about the Bentley scam
Chris Harrison says Bentley almost shut down ‘Bachelorette’ production on HitFix.com.
‘Bachelorette’s’ Bentley Bother “not over” says host Chris Harrison on EOnline.com.
Michelle Money: I warned Ashley Hebert about Bentley Williams on Reality TVWorld.com
Maybe I am still too naive, but this all seemed real to me. Gross, superficial, twisted, and a clear indicator of our basic cultural narcissism and delusional ideologies. But he did seem like a real live path, and she seemed to respond to his manipulative conditioning like SO many of us here have.
I also had a strange thought as I watched her that something deep inside her was reacting to being conned (though she was unconscious of it), by clinging to his ‘lie’ even more.
I know I did that. I KNEW, even though the knowing was teensy-weensy, and I RAN from that knowing. I think, for me, it was my OWN narcissism (the unhealthy kind, that needed healing) that engaged so fully and didn’t want to heed that wee small knowing. It was, on a level, just too humiliating to face ‘all the cons’ I had been exposed to. And the path boyfriend brought all this shame and humiliation to the fore for me. So I used the defense mechanism of denial. And I employed a sort of child like ‘belief’ in him, and did my best to be blind to the inconsistencies.
I was warned. By a business owner who told me the path used middle aged blonde women to fund his life, and that he thought I should know, because I seemed like a nice person. What did I do? Defend him with everything I had. And the path was HAPPY and praised me and told me everything I wanted to hear (at least the 2-4 year old ‘little’ me).
Ashely looked victimized. And though I think the idea of going on TV is krazy and stupid, I am 50, not 25. It’s a new culture, and culture is STRONG, especially when we’re young. Facebook and reality TV are normal avenues of expression and entertainment for lots of young people. They have been brought up on it. They don’t know much better. And, just like us, in their youth don’t have the discernment (is that a word?) to know what they are being ‘normalized’ to.
I didn’t know that it wasn’t good for most of my family to be drunk, abusive and selfish. I didn’t know that taking drugs would stunt my potential. I didn’t know beating your children was bad for them. That I didn’t need to feel bad because I didn’t live like the Brady Bunch.
These kids may look like superstars and models, but they are children, and that is how Ashley seemed to me. Inexperienced and confused by the complexities around her. I felt a whole lot of empathy for her as she struggled to let go, while holding tight at the same time.
Anyway, thanks Donna. For me watching this made me feel a little kinder toward myself. As I felt empathy for Ashley I felt myself forgive me, just a little bit more. Healing.
What are your indications that she is a spath? Aside from abandoning you? Maybe she has other issues.
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Thanks, Slimone. I agree with you. It seems to me that a lot of the critical comments in this thread were made by people who didn’t actually watch the shows.
I think the people in the show are real. Here is the news coverage in the Philadelphia Inquirer of Ashley Hebert being selected:
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/the-insider/Penn-Dental-student-is-next-Bachelorette.html
Here are the bios of all the bachelors. They’re a bit thin, but I’m sure they’re for privacy reasons. However, what is written is consistent with what all the guys said on the show.
http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/bios
Like I said – the whole reason reality shows are so popular is because they are cheaper to produce. The production companies don’t have to pay scriptwriters and actors, and do not have to pay royalties every time a program airs, which is what they need to do for union actors. The episode of “Who the Bleep Did I Marry?” that I was in has aired at least 20 times. No checks in the mail for me!
About the motivation of the participants – hey, they’re young and single. Why not give it a shot? Yes, the scenarios are contrived. Yes, trying to make time in front of a camera crew is difficult. No, this is not the ideal way to start a lasting relationship. But I think it’s possible for the guys to have a crush on Ashley. I think Ashley’s emotions are real and the emotions of the guys are real – especially when they’re kicked off the show.
The only thing that is missing is more information on how Bentley actually got into Ashley’s head. I can only assume that a lot more went on than what we saw in the show. I know that the production crew shot at least 20 hours of video of me, and the finished show was 22 minutes long. I’ll bet there are a lot more scenes on the cutting room floor of Bentley seducing Ashley. Maybe he actually got her into bed.
The value of this show for us is that we can see Bentley switch back and forth – pretending to care about Ashley when he is with her, and callously saying he has no interest in her when she’s not around. Why he would actually say these things on camera? He’s a sociopath!
I see this as a great learning tool. I envision talking about it in my high school presentations. “Did you see the Bachelorette? What did you think of Bentley? Did you see how hurt Ashley was? That’s what sociopaths do. That’s why you need to watch out for them.”
?
While my comments have been critical of “The Bachelorette,” I definitely think it’s real. Only too real, I’m afraid; that’s a pretty genuine depiction of the level and tone of dating in our society — and how fertile a feeding ground it is for spaths. The folks at ABC got more “reality” than they bargained for.
The emotions are “real” in the sense that I feel real remorse when I don’t make the cut for jury duty. After a while, people get invested in the result. It’s “real” for them. Each time I get thrown out of the jury room, I feel as if I got “voted off the island.” Like, Damn. Doesn’t anybody like me? And I came in hoping to be cut! Imagine what it feels like for a young man to get fired by Ashley on national TV . . . or Ashley to get fired by handsome, charming Bentley.
Psychosympathy is not for real. Please ignore.
I knew there was a plant that needed watering
**sigh**
Of course psychosympathy is not for real….
I’ll never get again a real conversation between a suspicious empath and a good faker spath!