Last week, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
Not sure if you ever pick up on things that go on in the television arena, but Hollywood hit a new low this week with the third installment of The Bachelorette.
The producers are supposed to pick fabulous, eligible bachelors, not sociopaths who set out to do psychological harm. As soon as it became evident that Bentley was without a conscience, purposely setting out to hurt Ashley Hebert, lure her in with false words while telling the cameras (behind her back) that she was ugly, not his type, blah, blah, blah, the producers had an obligation to tell Ashley the truth. But they chose to let Bentley ambush her and break her heart.
But hey, that’s Hollywood, right? Whatever it takes to make a buck and get ratings.
Anyway, you should check it out. You could write a GREAT column about the psychology behind the whole thing, and teach women a lesson about how the sociopath will charm you to your face and knife you in the back… while people you trust allow it to happen.
Personally, I think the producers must have sociopathic tendencies to allow a sweet, innocent woman to be mentally raped like that. In fact, she is being mind-raped all over again, because Ashley is seeing this camera footage for the first time along with the rest of us.
I have never watched The Bachelorette, which airs on ABC, so I didn’t know what this reader was talking about. But full episodes of the show are on the Internet, so I spent the past few days watching them.
I was astounded. There it is, in full motion and living color: the capsulized story of a sociopathic interaction, on the reality TV show, The Bachelorette.
Competing for love
Here’s the premise of the show. Twenty-five guys are contestants, all competing to win one woman’s heart. On the first night, they vie for her attention at a cocktail party. On subsequent episodes, they go on group dates and one-on-one dates. At the end of each episode, there’s a “rose ceremony,” in which the woman gives roses to those whom she wants to get to know further. Men who don’t receive roses go home.
The woman, Ashley Hebert, was the third-place finisher on the companion show, The Bachelor, last year. In the initial episode of this season’s Bachelorette, Ashley reveals that she felt like she let her insecurities get in the way of expressing how she really felt about Brad Womack, the bachelor, and she is determined not to let that happen again. She’s going to give this opportunity to find true love, a husband, everything she’s got.
I must admit, the men are handsome, accomplished, entertaining—if I were 25 years younger, unmarried, and the bachelorette, I’d be in heaven. What really strikes me is how they are all so earnest about wanting to make a connection, wanting to find love—all of them, that is, except for Bentley Williams.
Warning ignored
The format of the show mixes live action—Ashley and the men interacting—with interviews, during which Ashley and the men talk about their impressions of what is going on. Right from the very beginning, Bentley says in his interviews that he doesn’t find Ashley to be attractive and really doesn’t care about her. He’s on the show for the game of it.
What’s truly amazing is that Ashley was warned about this before the show even started. She reveals in the first episode that she received a text message from a friend. Bentley, she was warned, was not on the show for the right reasons. Yet Ashley says she wants to make up her own mind. She’s going to give Bentley a chance
Bentley works his charm on Ashley. All the while, in the direct-to-camera interviews, he’s talking about how he has no interest in Ashley. He’s only there because he’s competitive, and he wants to win.
Well, Ashley falls for him. Quickly. “It’s like game over before the start button is pushed,” Bentley says in an interview.
For Bentley, there’s no longer any reason to continue. He got what he wanted—Ashley’s affections. Bentley decides to leave the competition. “I’m going to make Ashley cry,” he says to the camera. “I hope my hair looks okay.”
Bentley uses his two-year-old daughter as an excuse, telling Ashley that the girl is the most important thing in his life, and he can’t be away from her. Yeah, right.
Ashley is heartbroken.
True sociopathic relationship
This is the most accurate, complete depiction of a sociopathic relationship that I have ever seen on television.
Ashley is honest and genuine in her desire to find true romance, a husband. She is warned that Bentley’s intentions are not honorable. She decides to give him a chance. He works his charm, and she falls for him. Even as Bentley is dumping her, Ashley accepts his explanations. Then she cries herself to sleep.
Bentley doesn’t care at all about Ashley. He clearly thinks he is superior to all the other men, and is only there to beat them, to win. He mixes charm with the pity play, literally sweeping Ashley off her feet and carrying her to a romantic moment in front of a fireplace, then talking about how much he misses his daughter. Finally, bored, he does the devalue and discard routine, and couldn’t care less.
If you’ve had trouble explaining what it’s been like to be involved with a sociopath, tell your friends and family to watch the first three episodes of this show. The whole process is right there. A word of caution for you, though—it may trigger emotional reactions. It did for me.
Outrage
Millions of people were outraged by Bentley’s behavior. They were outraged that the producers allowed him to stay on the show, knowing that he was insincere.
This week’s People magazine features Ashley Hebert on the cover, with the headline of ”˜I feel so betrayed.’ The article says producers were criticized for casting Bentley, and showcasing his behavior. The producers defend themselves by pointing out that Ashley herself gave Bentley the roses to keep him on the show.
Should the producers have yanked Bentley from the show? For Ashley, I’d say yes. But for the rest of the world, though, watching Bentley is incredibly instructive, if he is described as what he is—a sociopath.
The producers aren’t going to do that—but we can. Tell people who don’t get it to watch the first three episodes of The Bachelorette. Tell people 1% to 4% of the population are sociopaths, and these people behave just like Bentley. Tell people that they are charming, they are slick, and can fool anyone—even people who have been warned.
Full episodes are online. To really see the drama unfold, start with Week One, Part One—you’ll have to click the arrow on the right side of the screen.
The Bachelorette on ABC.go.com
The fourth episode of the show airs tonight on ABC. Bentley is gone, and Ashley has to pick up the pieces and move on. I think I’ll watch it. Aside from all of Bentley’s sociopathic drama, the other men seem so sweet, so authentic, that it warms my heart. As I wish for all of us, I hope that Ashley finds love after the sociopath is gone.
Media fallout
The producer, Chris Harrison, talks about the Bentley scam
Chris Harrison says Bentley almost shut down ‘Bachelorette’ production on HitFix.com.
‘Bachelorette’s’ Bentley Bother “not over” says host Chris Harrison on EOnline.com.
Michelle Money: I warned Ashley Hebert about Bentley Williams on Reality TVWorld.com
Donna I beg to differ – having sympathy for a physco is what got most of us here to your website.
I judge! There is no excuse for FIVE guys and no protection, none. She is now on facebook with a guy that wants to take pictures of her and wants to meet up soon. 🙁 He is from a site full of predators. It’s called Model Mayhem or something. All guys looking for sex, pictures, and fun! They look for girls that are having a hard time too. 🙁 They even have a dirty magazine with these girls in it… Just rmemeber that, as a warning. Bad site!
I have sympathy for sociopaths, sometimes. It must be horrible having nothing inside that makes you really FEEL something. No warm fuzzies from playing with Beagles? No love when you watch a movie with the family? No anything! It’s a sad, empty life, but I don’t think they notice much or care.
Hens – oops! Sorry, I think I posted to you in error.
Dear Near,
I think you are RIGHT to “judge” bad behavior and frankly having sex with 5 different guys in one night (or one week or one month) and not using protection is BAD JUDGMENT, and the poor kid she gives birth to is the one that will have to suffer.
Every one makes “mistakes” and even does “bad things” deliberately in their lives, but those things should still be judged as poor choices, poor decisions and sometimes just plain stupid or mean.
I see many young (and older) people making some poor choices about sexual behavior that leaves them and their children at risk for diseases and trouble. Many people reproduce and have children when they are VERY ILL EQUIPPED to take care of and nurture that child…Casey Anthony is a prime example of someone who should never have reproduced….personally I think her mother falls into the same category. And frankly I probably shouldn’t have reproduced considering my genetic background with many psychopaths in my direct line. I didn’t know then what I know now though, or I would have made a different decision.
We have brains and we SHOULD use them to make good decisions and to judge the behavior of others.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/03/25/being-a-judgmental-person-is-more-than-okay-it-is-wise/
Ox Drover: I agree with you on all of that. Some people just should not pass on their genes. This girl I’m talking about is a prime example of an ill equipped parent. They found three day old bottles she was feeding the baby with. She NEVER talks about him or plays with him. We found him with a dirty diaper that had dried waste in it, of both kinds. 🙁
She just sits on Facebook and sleeps with her boyfriend in bed all day, something I heard Casey Anthony also did. Anyway, her parents are now taking care of the baby and their other daughter is now pregnant at 17. 🙁
My generation is falling apart, man. 😛
Ox,
How strange! I completely agree with you. If I’d known then what I know now, I would NOT have reproduced! Given my background and my own miserable failings as a parent, my children deserved MUCH better than me!
Thanks for mentioning that about genetics. It is SO SO true!!
LL
Near:
Yeah, five guys in ONE day?? Wow. How old is this woman? And that poor baby she had. What kind of life is that poor child going to have?
Hmmmm, I have felt the same about the spath having no feelings. It must be dreadful. But if they don’t know any different, they don’t really know what it’s like to feel or not to feel. It’s like I have never had children so I can’t miss what I never had. I am guessing that is how they must feel…they don’t know what they are missing out on. I will never, ever forget my X spath telling me on the first night we were finally intimate that he was “different.” I will never know what he meant because he didn’t expand on it. It was one of two things…either he meant that he knew he was different because he realizes he is not normal OR it was because he is uncircumcised because he is from the UK and they don’t do that there. Maybe he thought I would see it and freak out or something, but I don’t care about that. I have seen an uncircumcised one before although I know that is rare in the US. Sorry for all that info, but I wonder if that’s what he meant by being “different.” I never did see it that way if you know what I mean! 🙂
It breaks my heart to see people who want children who can’t have them, and it breaks my heart to see people who shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce who have child after child to pass on PPP (pith poor protoplasam) and then abuse or neglect the child which already has 1 or 2 strikes against it.
As far as I know though, there isn’t any way in a free society to limit the number of children born to women unless you do like China does, and that’s not an option I would opt for, so I don’t know of any kind of way to change the way things are happening. With birth control available I don’t understand though why the young women or even older ones have kids they really don’t want…being preg and going through labor is not lots of fun, and raising a child does put a cramp in your party style—well it does if you actually raise the child.
Casey Anthony seems to me to be the perfect example of the kind of young woman I am talking about who has a baby and then neglects, abuses, and in her case, finally, killed the baby….but didn’t slow down in her party-hardy style.
That’s perfectly OK. All that makes you is HUMAN! 🙂 I agree that it must be a very empty life. There are other kinds of abusers too, not necessarily psychopathic, but those who abuse others out of buried rage, or control others to allay their own irrational fears. It must be miserable to walk around being angry all the time, or haunted by terrors of heaven knows what. So I’m sure we can feel sympathy in many cases for people who behave badly. There’s never anything wrong with “feeling” something. It’s only that we can’t afford to ACT on those feelings, by “enabling” abusive people or falling into their clutches ourselves. But hey, “feelings” and “actions” are separate anyway. There are plenty of situations in life where we can’t afford to “act on our feelings,” so this is no different.
That’s true, Oxy, only the problem is not just with inability to limit the number of children born to women who won’t take care of them. Much of the problem is the opposite: that we ACTIVELY ENABLE incompetent women to have MORE children! We actually PAY them to have babies!—or contrive ways of getting someone else to pay them. We shouldn’t be doing that. If I were forced to choose one or the other, I’d sooner pay these women NOT to have babies, and leave childraising to families that were actually competent at doing it.