In 2007, The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne, was the best-selling book in America. The book was featured on two episodes of Oprah, which significantly boosted sales. At one point the book was selling 150,000 copies per week. Total sales: 19 million books.
The Secret has many proponents—and many detractors. It’s described as a self-help book on the power of positive thinking. Some critics say that the book offers nothing but false hope to people who try to solve their problems by wishing them away, when they need more conventional solutions.
The premise of The Secret is the Law of Attraction. Here is how it is defined in the book:
Everything that’s coming into your life you are attracting into your life. And it’s attracted to you by virtue of the images you’re holding in your mind. It’s what you’re thinking. Whatever is going on in your mind you are attracting to you.
Now, let me say here that from this point on, I’ll be discussing my spiritual beliefs, which are not mainstream. Through my own experience and reflection—I explain the process in my book, Love Fraud—I’ve come to agree with many of the ideas that fall under the general heading of “New Age.” I recognize that there are charlatans and loonies who call themselves New Age—it’s important to be discriminating when exploring the ideas. I also honor traditional religious and spiritual beliefs. I believe that there are many valid paths to peace and wholeness, and we should all pursue what speaks to us. This is what worked for me.
Abraham and the Law of Attraction
Before the astounding commercial success of The Secret, the same concept was being promulgated in New Age circles by Jerry and Esther Hicks. Esther Hicks has the ability to channel information from a group of non-physical entities who go by the single name of “Abraham.”
Here’s how Abraham defines the Law of Attraction: “That which is likened to itself is drawn.”
In a CD entitled, An Introduction to the Teachings of Abraham, the entities explain the concept further:
You are a magnet, attracting unto you that which you are thinking and feeling ”¦ You are the creator of your experience and you attract unto you through your thought, and your word, which is an extension of your thought, and through your action, which is also an extension of your thought. What we are saying is literally you are creating your experience.
The greatest resistance that we have received about that is that there are so many that have those things in their experience that they don’t want, and so they cannot believe that they would have created it. They say, Abraham, I would not have done this unto me.
And we say, we know that you would not have done it on purpose, but there is creation by default, which is putting Law of Attraction to work by summoning or soliciting or inviting into your experience that which you do not want by thought, not understanding the rules of the game, so to speak. Without exception, that which you give thought to, is that which you begin to invite into your experience.
Personally, I believe the Law of Attraction. I have seen it work in my own life. But I also believe that the explanation of how it works doesn’t go far enough, and I’ll explain why.
Experiencing the sociopath
I was married to a sociopath. This man took a quarter-million dollars from me, cheated with at least six women during our 2.5-year relationship, had a child with one of the women, and then, 10 days after I left him, married the mother of the child. It was the second time he committed bigamy.
Now, according to the Law of Attraction as explained above, the sociopath came into my life because he was attracted by my thoughts. This is ludicrous. I never wanted to be in a relationship with a “bad boy” type of guy. I didn’t lie, cheat or steal—these behaviors are not in my repertoire. I’m not selfish and self-centered; I am a law-abiding citizen concerned about making the world a better place.
The Law of Attraction also says that focusing on what you don’t want brings it to you anyway. In other words, if you’re thinking, “I do not want to get sick,” the Law ignores the “not” part of your thought and delivers sickness. So does this explain why the sociopath showed up?
No. I never worried to myself, “I hope I don’t meet a con man.” I didn’t run with a fast crowd. It never occurred to me that I would cross paths with a con man. And I certainly didn’t fret about meeting a sociopath. I didn’t know what they were.
So where did this guy come from?
Human energy field
The key problem with the Law of Attraction, as it is usually explained, is that it says we create through our thoughts and feelings. It would be more accurate to say we create with our energy fields.
Some people refer to human energy fields as auras. People who can see auras, such as Barbara Ann Brennan, author of Hands of Light, say that the auric field has seven layers, emanating out from out bodies. Brennan, by the way, isn’t a flake. Before becoming a healer, she was a research scientist for NASA at the Goddard Space Flight Center. She holds a master’s degree in atmospheric physics.
According to Brennan, each of the aura layers is associated with a specific purpose:
- Layer 1 physical body
- Layer 2 emotions
- Layer 3 mental life, linear thinking
- Layer 4 love, romantic and for humanity in general
- Layer 5 connection with divine will
- Layer 6 celestial love
- Layer 7 the higher mind, integrating our spiritual and physical makeup
Now here’s a key concept: Anytime we experience trauma—sickness, injury, fear, anger, a violent death—it creates a disturbance in our energy fields. To fully recover from the trauma, the energy disturbance must be released and healed.
Here’s another key concept: Disturbances in our energy fields can remain with us over multiple lifetimes.
Reincarnation
I’ll say it right up front: I believe in reincarnation. This is the idea that we experience multiple lifetimes. At some point after death, our souls decide to return to Earth, and come back to life into a newborn body.
According to a 2005 Gallup poll, about 20 percent of U.S. adults believe in reincarnation. Around the world, however, most people accept the concept. It is a central idea in Hinduism, Buddhism and Taoism. Most followers of Judaism, Christianity and Islam do not believe that people reincarnate, although there are exceptions. Early Gnostic Christians, the Cathar Christians of the 11th to 13th centuries, the mystical Kabbalah movement of Judaism, and some sects of Islam, all accept the idea of reincarnation.
I believe that we are all on a journey back to God, back to wholeness with the Universe, and that the journey extends over multiple lifetimes.
Lessons on Earth
We incarnate on Earth in order to learn particular lessons. Sometimes the lessons involve releasing pain and trauma from past lives. And that’s where the sociopaths come in.
With the help of a facilitator, I was actually able to catch glimpses of my past lives. And in many of them, I saw previous incarnations of the sociopath who tormented me this time around—James Montgomery.In every lifetime that we shared, he exploited me. By his hand, I was deceived, beaten, raped and killed.
I came to learn that my soul wanted me to bring Montgomery into my life one more time. Why? Because all the traumas from my previous involvements with him were stuck in my energy field. By engaging with him again, I would be able to bring those old disturbances to the surface of my awareness and release them. With that, I would be free of him.
The process was painful and ugly. It took longer than I wanted. But it worked. The traumas are no longer with me. I’ve replaced them with peace, love and happiness.
Law of Attraction—expanded
Based on my experience, I believe that the Law of Attraction needs to be rewritten. It should be:
We are the creators of our experiences in life. We attract experiences through our thoughts, our feelings, our energy fields, and to fulfill the lessons that our souls want to learn.
The good news is that the traumas can be released, and the lessons can be completed. Then, we can use the Law of Attraction to bring all those good things that we really do want into our lives.
Donna – Thank you for your time and dedication to this subject, and your continued beautiful work in helping others understand! 🙂
I have been on a spiritual journey for some years – even attending a university here in S. California that offers a Masters and Doctoral degrees in Spiritual Psychology.
I have also been involved in a spiritual group in the subtle transfer of the divine energy of a Guru into the heart, soul and body of a disciple – known as DIKSHA.
And I am still on a learning path of understanding that will take the rest of my life in this spiritual awakening.
It is a wonderful journey! 🙂
You were very kind in answering my cry for acknowledgment a few years ago, in that I allowed a person to enter my life that was deeply troubled herself.
I believe I attracted her into my life, when I was emotionally and financially strong, almost to the point where I believe deep down inside me, I felt I did not deserve my happiness and financial success.
I am sure she was there, waiting for her next opportunity to attach herself onto a strong personality, and that I opened myself up to her.
As Eckhart Tolle describes ‘ A Pain Body’ looking for a place to attach.
And attach they do – to outwardly healthy bodies, that perhaps inwardly have a sub conscious self doubt.
That was me 🙁
After being introduced to your writings, it was clear that she was and is a Sociopath and has destroyed almost every relationship she has ever had in this world including her family, children, husband, lovers and co workers, but most importantly her relationship with herself and her higher power.
A very sick, unhealthy person, who is probably ruining someone’s life as I write.
I was merely one of many.
I have learned that there is a deep sub conscious that drives us – without our conscious knowledge.
Unknowing to us, we can be attracting the wrong persons into our lives – or bad situations.
This can be a deep seated issue that may have traveled though our past lives or a childhood occurrence unrelated to us, but that affected us deeply and we carry it through our lives.
I mention this as from your writings you still seem to be in incredible pain, and perhaps confusion as to why and how this man came into your life.
I read that you reject the notion that sub consciously you were looking for someone like this to enter your life – perhaps because like me, although your were ‘Happy’ you still felt you needed someone to make your life ‘whole’ – that soul mate we often refer to!
A personal question: Are you also the same person that allowed someone into your life that took photographs of you – when you were much younger – and that person turned out to be a serial killer?
And that when the police finally captured him, and released pictures that he had taken of young women – you recognized yourself?
Please forgive me if you are not that person – but I thought that I had read you share of that experience somewhere in this website or in your writings.
If this is the case, then would you acknowledge that you may have sub consciously been attracting persons that could do you harm for many years without your knowledge – your conscious knowledge that is.
I have learned that some people who are so afraid of harm coming to them, actually attract harm.
Those people that have a sunny and positive outlook on life – actually have good things happen to them.
I would welcome your thoughts on this.
I will take time to read Brennan’s theory on aura layers – a relationship to Chakra’s?
Peace and Blessings to you.
Soapers,
There was a time when I was in pain, and did not understand why the sociopath came into my life. But now I have absolute clarity. I attracted Montgomery because I had many painful past lives with him—rinse, wash, repeat. My spirit wanted the cycle to end.
This time, with the assistance of a spiritual facilitator, I was able to uncover all the links to the past, which were buried in my energy field. I guess you could call it a subconscious. The links were broken, and I am free of him.
I am now happy, peaceful, and in a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man. By releasing all the pain of all the lifetimes with Montgomery, I made room in my life for true love and happiness. I describe the entire journey in my book.
Yes, the aura layers are related to chakras. They’re all part of the same energetic system.
About the killer—that was the experience of Dr. Liane Leedom, who also writes for Lovefraud.
Dear Donna- thank you for this article! I was wondering how my spiritual beliefs fit into my experiences with sociopaths (Law of Attraction at work). It seems I’m on a very similar path as you. I’ve been listening to Abraham for a few years now. I’ve also had, for the past few years some memories of past lives and even called into HayHouse radio when Dr Doris Cohan was on (the only time I ever got through on a call) and she said to me that I’d been raped and killed in many lives (I only remembered the one). And last year someone gave me a book: Hands of Light by Barbara Ann Brennan.
OK, I see that I need healing in this area. But I’m not sure how. My ex-husband is a sociopath, I haven’t been with him for 20 years, most of those years I hadn’t heard from him, then a few years ago he was back and was able to pull some serious stuff again. But the hardest part for me is… my daughter (now 22) is also a sociopath. I don’t know how to handle this one. Of course I love her. But I don’t want her in my life. (I have an angel figurine that she gave me years ago, and I think of that as my lost daughter). The hardest part for me are my 2 grandchildren that she is raising. They are constantly in danger, abused and neglected. I don’t want to leave them. So I have contact with her just to see them with hopes that I may one day get them out of that situation. (one more thing- I think the 3 year old is also a sociopath- I’m getting pretty good at spotting this now). So, questions for you: How do I find the joy in life that Dr Cohan told me I need to? How does this fit into love? (I was thinking about writing Deepak, Dyer, RamDass with this question). How do I stay away from my daughter but help the kids? She is so good at conning; this could go on for many, many years. And I am no good at games. I’m not sure what to do; any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Again, thank you for the article!
Trehugr4life,
It does sound like your journey is similar to mine. The guidance that I received was to find joy in life where ever possible, moment by moment A pleasant interaction with friends. A walk in nature. Cooking a good meal. Anything that makes you happy. The idea is to bring more happiness into your life, so that the happiness you feel creates happiness in your life, and circumstances start to change on their own.
The other idea, which was very difficult for me, is that, in the end, we are only responsible for our own journeys, and we simply need to let go of the anger, hatred, and need for retribution towards the sociopath. From a spiritual perspective, none of it matters. My book explains how I went through the process. In fact, that’s why I wrote about it in the book, rather than on the blog – it’s difficult to really explain it thoroughly in a short blog post.
I can also recommend my therapist and facilitator, Elaine Anderson. I refer to her as an energy worker, and she helped me release the issues of the past that were affecting my present. She is listed in the Lovefraud Resources Guide.
http://www.lovefraud.com/resourcesguide/profile/28/
Thank you Donna-excellent article.
I found my peace thru inner focus of my truth. I am the child of a sociopath mother, an enabling, passive father,sociopath husband (deceased 20yrs), a sociopath daughter and a 14 yr. old sociopath grandson. Growing up I did what I had to do to survive. But the time came that just surviving was no longer enough. I began reading Louise Hay. Everything she said made perfect sense. I adopted the attitude that I CAN CHANGE MY LIFE by changing my thoughts. From there, many teachers, books, cds, seminars until I read this from Byron Katie,”You are the teacher you’ve been waiting for.You are the one who can end your own suffering”. I turned to my inner truth and became the teacher of my soul. Step by step, I learned how to love me through their never-ending insanity. I believe that is the lesson we are here to learn. Love-no matter what-one another. Love the sociopath? Yes. One blesses the enemy and sends them onward to the light for healing.Then YOU are free. In that moment, the soul experiences pure love. That’s ALL that matters-here and now in love. Not what was, in terrible pain.
I watch my thoughts very carefully around every human I come in contact with. We can also change behavior of others by watching our thoughts. Stay in the now and send them love and healing light. It disarms more than not. When I see that happen, it gives me a moment to adjust my thinking and breathe.
I know that my mother and I have been together many time before. This is an old, familiar dance which I finally woke up to. Like you, Donna-the cycle is over.
Peace,light & love to you…
“Remember-the entrance door to the sanctuary is inside you”-Rumi
Donna,
thanks for the very interesting perspective. I believe pretty much the same as you do. I also think that the law of attraction can partially be described as “blue car syndrome”. When you have a certain type of car, you become more aware and notice all the other similar cars. So it is perspective, in part, that creates the world we live in. 2 people can have the same thing happen to them, and one may see it from the perspective of a blessing and the other can see it as a curse. Most of us would agree that finding out our partner is a sociopath is a curse, but on the other hand, I was so relieved to learn the reason why my life had been so awful for so long. Finally, I get to move on to the next step.
Your idea that you kept attracting James back into your life in order to finish the unfinished business is also spot on. I believe that all human beings keep repeating patterns when things don’t work out right the first time and we feel traumatized by it. We do it in this life and also in the next. The sociopath, I think, is also doing it – only more accurately. He is trying to continue living his childhood as a parasite. He is only happy when he can manipulate because it was the last time he felt successful and content. Something went wrong and he couldn’t let go of that existance even as his body grew. Last year I read an interesting news article of a woman who answered a craigslist ad to care for a disable man. She bottlefed and changed his diapers. Turns out, he was a fully capable man, faking disability. When I read that I was more certain than ever of EXACTLY what a sociopath is. This man was literally in diapers, our sociopaths were more figurative.
Redheeler,
Yes, much to my surprise, I found that the healing was within myself.
On my journey, I learned the definition of unconditional love. It means accepting people and situations as they are, without judgment. It doesn’t mean you have to like them, or approve of them, or associate with them. It just means you have to accept what is.
I’m still negotiating exactly what that means when dealing with sociopaths. On the one hand, they hurt me and millions of other people. I asked, do we just let them get away with it?
The answer I got was no – it is important for sociopaths to experience consequences for their behavior. Why? Because if their ploys no longer work, consequences may be the vehicle through which the grace of God, the spirit of the Universe, may enter their lives, so that they choose to do differently.
It might take them many lifetimes to get the message, but suffering consequences may be the start.
Hi my name is Caylin and i am new to the group. This website just showed up on my e-mails out of the blue. I had been involved with a man who had alot of the symptoms as the sociopaths mentioned here. We had been separated for 3 weeks and we decided to go to counselling so we got back together and he moved back in. It was about about 6 days then the emotional stuff happened again, that night he beat me durring an argument. My facial bones are shattered and my right side of my face. Surgery is in order. I made some phone calls to former exs to see if he had been abusive to them. We were supposed to get married! Yep, he’s already married. He said he lost 2 children to unforseen death, yep a lie. he has stolen jewelry from one of them.. Yep, i have jewelry missing. Okay now that i qualify, lol.. thank you all for listening to me. I also beleive there is a spiritual component to this (HUGE)… Like i said i don’t know how this site showed up on my e-mail address but i am sure grateful that it has. Again, thank you all for your support… Light and love, Caylin
Hi Donna
I found this a very helpful interesting read. Very shortly after I ran from what I now realise was a very unhealthy, toxic relationship with someone who I now believe was NPD/Sociopathic (not sure which) – The Secret hit our TV’s and Book shelves. Everywhere you went. The law of attraction.
I was an emotional mess at this time, totally and utterly bewildered by my experience, deeply hurt, angry, and not at that point really aware of what I had experienced other than he was not a good human being. I felt i had been conned, cheated and lied to by an angelic charmer. I had been betrayed, decieved at every level. I didn’t feel I had done anything to deserve it.
The Secret, initially, had an adverse affect on me. I spiralled into a state of thinking I had caused this. I had brought this person into my life. And if the law of attraction was right, that like attracts like, then I must be a bad person to have drawn him to me. I suffered terribly for some time, agonising over how I had brought this into my life, how had I attracted this? If I didn’t know how, could I attract it again? I got quite depressed, and having already been beaten down by the whole experience, I now found myself beating myself up thinking I had “created my own reality and brought this whole experience to me”.
It took a long long time and a lot of reading to begin to work my way through that, but I did wonder if someone very vulnerable and in pain from an emotional or physically abusive relationship can be helped by this when they are probably already beaten down and in a very negative place. At the time, I can remember wishing I had never read it!
LJ
Skylar,
I do agree that we keep taking on the lessons until we learn them. This time around, I was determined to get out of school with Montgomery, and I have succeeded.
I’m not sure that sociopaths manipulate because that’s what they did in childhood. I think it’s far more sinister than that – they manipulate because they feel entitled to do anything they want, regardless of who may be hurt in the process. I’m not even sure they care about happiness. Mostly, they care about winning and control.