Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
All roads lead to here. The mask. This is the armor of a sociopath.
I cannot YET accept the wonderful year I had with a P was an illusion. I was beaming with radiance. My friends told me they had never seen me so happy. I was lit up. You could see it in the way I dressed, walked and talked. My son, (not of the P thank God) even said to me yesterday over the phone he had never seen me looking so happy as when I was in love with the P
I let the red flags ripple in the wind, I ignored every signal every warning because I was n love and bonding with the illusion deeply. If an illusion could make me feel so happy, then so be it. the contradictions build up and cause unbearable pressure on the mind, I would describe it as CRAZY MAKING, mixed messages always are :
I love you with all my heart. I am so happy with you and want to be with you forever- beleive it, because I know you NEED this in order for me to get right in and steal to my hearts content. I want your money, your body, your love, your delight and when you begin to go crazy, like they all do in the end, I will dump you because you are no longer any use to me. So move on and leave me alone to conquer my next fresh victim. Why do they all end up crazy? must be defective.
The experience of the mask slipping still gives me a fright inside. I get flashbacks of coldblooded moments where I saw the empty shell. No this cannot be happening was my mantra
You say:
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
This is so cruel to live through. My heart goes out to everyone living through it. it’s the equivalent of being fed psychological poison.
reconciling this starts with warm blanket. cup of tea. Lovefraud
Wonderfully succinct Donna.:)x
In response to what you said above dear Bullet:’I cannot YET accept the wonderful year I had with a P was an illusion. I was beaming with radiance. My friends told me they had never seen me so happy’.
I feel quite differently… I look back at how beside myself with ‘love’ and happiness I was at the beginning and see only a sort of induced insanity. a blissful loss of my mind and will. I was spell bound. Living in an illusion. and even at the time being ‘blissfully happy’ was exhausting. It grated and dragged at me. I shudder at the way I was, what I thought even if I did seem to be glowing with love.
I am trying to be mindful of when I feel happy right now, Intellectually i’ve always known that the ‘moments’ in our lives are where its at not the fanfares and parades, I got whammied. Maybe it tapped in to a childish dissatisfaction with the here an now that I have always struggled with. (High falooting mis-guided Romanticism … s/p’s favourite snack food!)
Happiness is smaller and more real than anything I got from ‘it’. The way I felt even in the honey moon phase is nothing like the deep satisfaction and ‘happiness’ I get from doing work I love, or watching my tomatoes and chillies grow, or receiving a hug from my children or in the quiet companionship of my good friend.
It IS so cruel to live through. Being poisoned… with a seemingly harmless psychotropic.
For many years, I thought that I was happily married, the marriage unravelling after my husband left his former business (where he had partners) and went solo. This move caused our family to have unfortunate experiences, leading me in the end to discover that my husband is a sociopath. All of the combined experiences “spoke” to me, alerting me to the fact that there was something fundamentally wrong with this man. Living through all the upheaval hasn’t been pretty or easy, not a piece-of-cake for anyone. The emotional pain has been unbearable at times, but I am hopefully, getting better and stronger. I can see how the constant onslaught of havoc produced by the sociopath could cause a person to crack, the strain being tremendous. I am amazed that I’m still standing, somehow feeling sturdier because of what I have gone through so far, definitely wanting to avoid more bogus experiences.
Donna is so correct! To reconcile this in our minds we MUST understand/accept the ‘good’ husband routine was only an illusion!! This is very difficult because all of OUR emotions are involved. The P knows the key to the con is getting our emotions involved. That’s why they move fast in the beginning. They are master manipulators of people’s emotions. They are academy award actors/actresses. The hardest part of the whole situation is realizing it was all a con/a lie. Just another role they played. But, once we do come to accept this…….then the healing truly begins. I would also like to point out: when we realize something is amiss with them…most of us set out to find the ‘real them’ and wind up staying WAY TOO LONG in the ‘relationship’. The answer we finally to come to…and usually after a large amount of damage has been inflicted upon us….is: there is NO real them. Was it lost somewhere along the line?…..I don’t think so…I think it never existed. Gotta know ‘when to fold ’em’ and folding ’em fast with these people is the key to getting out w/o being damaged more and more. The longer we stay, the more damage we receive. Theirs is a toxic world of lies/illusions and cons…even for themselves. Just imagine having no real sense of self! Pure hell to me!!
blueskies
You say:
Happiness is smaller and more real than anything I got from ’it’. The way I felt even in the honey moon phase is nothing like the deep satisfaction and ’happiness’ I get from doing work I love, or watching my tomatoes and chillies grow, or receiving a hug from my children or in the quite companionship of my good friend.
aw that’s gorgeous, hey even better because its real! I so appreciate life just the way you express it. I have my beautiful cats and the sun shining through the window. Enough for now. THANKS!
*Also, after the P lets the mask slip, which they do when they no longer need to maintain the con [don’t need us anymore] it leaves us scrambling to restore the ‘balance’. We don’t understand there is no balance. If we succeed in getting ‘balance’ we only get the P to restore the con and to do that…..the P has to need what we have. It works like this: P sees something they want in/from us. They move in with the carefully crafted con, work it on us, get us hooked, use us up, all the while having others lined up/conned, when we become exhausted or they find a more lucrative sucker, the mask comes off for us, the ugly monster is there, and we either walk or they do when we confront them. All part of the master game.
I tell you what happiness is for me: No game going down….just peace and quiet!! SWEET!
Blueskies you said living in the illusion, even being “blissfully” happy, you were exhausted. AMEN! and well said.
And Bulletproof, there was a long time that my perception of things matched yours- thinking back on life with spath- I was in the best of life -happy, up beat, moving, OMG- I never stopped. Then I came to a realization, hit the wall , and that “manic” energy projected from the spath had a delayed draining effect that still is with me today- a few years later. The amount of sleep he deprived me from- his stayin up all hours with tv blarring! the obsession with gym workouts, trying to measure up to his ever raising bar, grr!
Not to mention the brain drain of being off balance, confused, and the constant emotional roller coaster-zapped my energy and alot of my inituative to do the things I love.
I have pretty much did the “work” needed to heal, have healthy relationships now, and a new freedom of knowing who I am, but dang it, that “jet lag” of post traumatic spath lingers. I guess that is one of the reasons I am still here on LF, beyond trying to encourage others &; being encouraged- I need to get back my mojo!!! Any ideas??
Hey Everyone…..I slept the entire day…till noon! lol I was so exhausted, so I went with it…even though I had alot to do in the house. I guess alot of driving can wear you down..up to North Jersey, into Manhattan, over to Brooklyn…back to NJ, then back to NYC..then home to the shore….then back up to Central Jersey to my brothers for Easter and then back home….OMG…miles and miles….lol
My mind wanted to do so many things in the house…but my body said NO. So, I listened to my body. Something I didn’t do for two years that I was involved with the socio….ugh!
The way to get back to “normalcy” is to keep busy doing things…and to RELAX. Read alot, cook meals..do some laundry, make plans to get out and see a movie…
For me, I want to get out walking and bike riding. Exercise is always good. Going to the local thrift store is fun too. Tomorrow I will get back on track. I have an appt at ten so I will be out…and once I’m out…I’ll feel better.
Finding new interests..like for me, Buddism is my new interest. Reading about how to be in the “now” and get rid of “FEAR” helps alot to enjoy each day.
Anytime I feel “fear” or “anxiety” coming on…I start listing things to be GRATEFUL for. I say to myself…”thank God for the time off from work right now…thank God that I have a little money to do things right now..thank God that I can still walk even if my knees hurt sometimes..thank God its nice outside..thank God my daughter’s ankle isn’t broken from her soccer injury…
These things ..I remind myself of…make me feel peaceful because things could be worse. I also thank God that I got away from the dysfunctional relationship and the awful “lows” I got being in it….not worth the “illusionary” highs.
I met up with my g/f and her longtime friend from high school. Her husband died within a year from cancer and she met a guy who was textbook socio. She married him after one year of dating and he made her crazy too. Finally, when she started to call him on things…lies…he got up and left abruptly! She fell apart.
She went for professional help and is going to meetings and buying some books I recommended…like The Betrayal Bond and The Power of Now. Once you get past the “trying to understand ” phase…then the Power of Now is really great.
It teaches you to not allow your mind to control YOU. YOU control your thoughts and when a negative thought comes up…you change the channel and think of a positive one. After awhile..you don’t think negatively. You don’t let yourself go there. It takes effort…but it works to keep you feeling peaceful.
I tell everyone,…I don’t want to be ‘happy’….just peaceful first. So…thats the plan.
Beautiful day outside..on my deck…water is blue…enjoying the warmth of the sunshine on my back.
Jet lag…wow Sabrina, does that resonate (as does this article and all the other comments. I’ve suspected that beyond the stress of divorce there was something else, and long-term energy drain really hits the nail on the head. This helps me tremendously. I’ve always known I’m an introvert but when I was with the ex I even tested as extroverted on Myers-Briggs. And I’m so not an extrovert.
I can relate about the small moments of deeper happiness. No more dramatic highs and lows and ever-changing landscapes. I’m happy to watch the birds at the feeder. For that matter, I’m happy just to feel emotionally safe.
One of the ex’s parting shots was that I was an introverted, socially inept f*ck-up. Well if that’s what it means when I sit here alone and quiet in my sunny window seat, able to hear myself think, then so be it!