Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
Hey Erin…
I was out tonight at my support group. Its at a place for women for domestic violence. Its such a shame that such nice women get involved with such abusive selfish men. It made me wonder if I will ever meet a decent normal guy.
I drove home thinking of my x. As you know he called last night and I didn’t pick up. (havent heard from him since April 8th…didn’t pick up then either. Of course I’m wondering what he wants. I was hoping for a message or email…but I refuse to call him back. Not going to set myself up.
But, I thought about how I felt about him in the relationship. I really did love him and care about him. I believe that he did love me, on some level. We were “friends” and spent alot of time talking…daily. So, there’s a void there. The way he reacted and RAN so fast when I confronted him on issues is what makes it hard. It isn’t normal to spend so much time with someone…you bond with them and its SO normal to miss them…the good parts of the relationship. Ending any relationship is difficult, but with these guys…its even harder because of how they RUN so abruptly.
Your feelings are normal. Just because he is disordered, doesn’t mean you didn’t love him. And, if you didn’t feel sad, I would say that there’s something wrong with us!
I’m sure they miss us on some level. Especially if we were “there” for them. Last time we broke up for 3 months, he said that he was “stressing” about me for a long time and wasn’t happy. His brother said that he was “a mess”. So, even if they are sociopaths, they still feel. They just do a better job at trying to bury their feelings and tell themselves that it wasn’t “worth the drama”, as mine would say…meaning….”don’t rock the boat or I’ll run”. Like little children. They are so immature.
Its ok to cry and feel the pain, Erin. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t. We HAVE to go through the pain of the loss…even if it was a toxic relationship that wasn’t healthy in the long run.
We go through SHOCK and then anger and then sadness…and finally acceptance. But, this doesn’t happen overnight. This is why we need support. Its not easy. No loss is.
When there is nothing we can do about a loss…we have to accept that this is part of life. If someone dies, its similar. We can’t have them back.
My hurt is that I thought we would grow closer and that he loved me and we could stay close and someday live together in the future…grow together. Its obvious to me that it wasn’t that type of love.
When we got back together he told me that this is what he wanted…he even said that he wanted to marry me someday.
He really didn’t accept my children so it was never going to happen. I let him go this second time because I figured he could go out and meet a single woman with no children and they could pool thier money and buy property and build a house…one of his goals. He didn’t love me enough to wait for me to do this…
So…ACCEPTANCE is key. He wasn’t the man for me nor was I the woman for him.
So, we would be robots if we could just turn our feelings off. Someone told us they loved us and made us feel so good, and special, and loved and then they walked away from us.
We aren’t supposed to feel great about it. So, we have to go through the sadness…and grieve.
HUGS to you Erin….just stay strong and know that if he died, you’d go on in your life and be ok.
In time, we will feel better.
I got over my xhusb who I was married to for 8 yrs and had 3 kids with…but it took a few years to really not want him anymore. And, today…I have NO feelings for him at all. But, for a few years….I was mostly glad it ended, but still had days like you had today.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS..but you are so normal for feeling sad.
My biggest thing now is that I don’t want to go out much. I feel drained from doing little things. When I went to my group tonite, it was good to get out. But, I have an tendency to hang out at home alot.
I get up at 6 and by 8 all of my girls are off to school. Then I’ve had appts…dentist..social service…tomorrow bancruptcy court which is over an hour away.
Just alot of financial and health stuff being taken care of lately.
Once thats done..I’ll get out more I guess.
Not good to isolate too much.
Spent all weekend in NYC…was fun to get out…
It’s spring fever….haven’t read posts in a while since I’ve been hosting family from out of town, but all the posts I read seem to have commonalities….the N/S/P’s are rearing their ugly heads directly or indirectly and trying to turn our worlds upside down.
This time of year seems to create a re-birth of the unwanted kinds!
“The S” started stalking me through the internet again, FB to be exact, even though we are not “friends”…he sent me various messages….starting with a “congratulations on passing the exam” (yes! I finally accomplished something good) ….even his GF-now Ex-GF again…sent me an un-solisited message with a fake congratulations and a note that I interpret to read – I’m done with him you can have him back!….. I was sooo good….I didn’t respond to her and went 10 weeks with NC….but I blew it today! and responded to one of his messages that really got to me.
….against my better judgement I had a sparce internet dialog with him…out of anger….frustration….and a wish to do the impossibole……defend myself! only lesson I got was to clearly see how he is trying to seduce me into his web again….how useless he is and to kick my self for “falling off the wagon”…yet I couldn’t resist having my say! why o why….do I have to have the last word?
I just finished reading “Stalking the Soul” (excellent book-thanks for recomendation here) …and I highly recommend it to all of you who haven’t read it yet……if it werent for this fantastic book and LF I would have fallen again!….these creatures are so illusive and their claws so hard to un burry from your psyche.
phew…had to come clean…
tobe-I’m just so SAD right now, I can’t stand it. I can’t stop crying. I had a really heavy memory hit me this morning and I can’t shake it. Like you, I know that part of him loved me and that’s the hard part. There is NO way that he could fake the way he was. It was like being 16 and being in love for the first time. This memory just hurts me so much.
Awww…I know how you feel. Its almost better to stay angry.
You are like me…sex is very intimate and means alot to us.
I don’t open up with anyone …esp the way I was with him. He was my first real love since my marriage ended. And, I felt safe with him because I thought he loved me so much. He said so many things that made me feel he was so in love with me. I believe that he thought he was. Thats what hurts us.
We can’t understand if they did love us…how they could turn on us so fast.
Aeylah…what did he say to you?
I know I have to stay strong and not contact him out of lonliness. I know it would be self destructive. Last time, back in October, he was texting me..”forgive me…” and “i want to marry you”…and it was so hard…and one day…I felt sad and texted him back. Poof…sucked me in and then I found out lies. AGAIN…..
So, I don’t want a r/s with someone who lies. NO WAY…so…I have to stay strong…
Can’t get sucked into their illusion…lies.
tobe-his social status just proved to much to sacrifice, but if we had stayed together, I would have been afraid of that moment when he may have cheated on me. I don’t open up with just anyone. He was my first true love that I’ve ever had. My first spath took my virginity by force when I had to much to drink. When I told A*** about that he cried. He said he just wanted to hurt the guy who did that to me.
He was my protector-I felt so incredibly safe with him. He said that he never cried with anyone else. He was my first orgasm of my life. When that happened our first time, we were both just overwhelmed. There were other times he cried with me as well.
It is easier to try and stay angry-then you can push the hurt away-until you have one of these moments. Sometimes I miss him so much I can’t breathe. I really do know what a broken heart feels like. I can physically feel it.
When I think of the lies….about not being on dating sites…about selling his house…(when he bought with his x), then I say…..SCREW him and his ‘love’ for me…he could keep it….
Its just lonliness….
I know Erin…its sad that he had two sides to him. He cheated on his wife before?
Whats that all about?