Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
tobe-this is why I had the rugged pulled out from under me:
the night she found out about us she kicked him out. He brought all his clothes and things and his three cats and moved in with me. She told me that he was mine now. I was really scared for a few days after she found out because I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was afraid he was going to break up with me. He and I settle intogether at my place. We had a long talk and that’s when he admitted that he had cheated with another person early on. He told me that I he was ashamed of it and that’s why he wasn’t honest that first day. As time went on, he wanted to tell me the truth but it just got harder. He said that he was SO AFRAID that I would break up with him.
I forgave him for it because I had no indication that he had EVER lied to ME before. He promised me that he wasn’t going anywhere but to please be patient with him because he was upset. It was just short of 25 yr marriage and it was for him that he broke it up. We both felt much better after that talk. Then I was happier than I had ever been because he was FINALLY coming home to me at night and everything was fine for 3 weeks after that.
Then on a Thursday afternoon, he had his first appt with the counselor that his best friend gave him for therapy. Friday afternoon he had to see the lawyer for the first time. He was in a wierd mood when he got home. He brought us dinner and started crying while we were eating. He was saying he was a failure-he broke up his marriage, he was still feeling bad about lying to me. I just held him and we finished dinner and went in to watch tv. He started talking about our future plans together. His wife had moved out of their home too. He said that he was going to stay with me in my place definitely until at least after my graduation. Then he was planning to go back to the house-if he was able to keep it and asked if I would then be willing to move into it with him.
I didn’t really know how I felt so I said maybe and he wanted to table it until later date. We watched tv for awhile, went to bed, had some wonderful sex. He did cry a little bit again before we fell asleep. He said he loved me so much and he wanted to be sure that I still wanted him and we fell asleep.
We woke up in the night and he had forgotten that he told her that he would go to the home in the morning and fix the fence in the backyard. She went over to let the dogs out and one got out. He said that he would do it early and get it over with.
In the morning, he was a little crabby about going over there because she texted him and suddenly wanted the cats back. SHe had demanded that he take them initially. He kissed me goodby and said that he would get home as soon as he could. Later on I found that he had left the cat’s insulin in the fridge. I called him about it and he said he would deal with it later cuz there was more at the house. Later after he had been gone for awhile, I called to ask what time he’d be home for dinner because I was going to cook something nice. He got angry cuz I called because she was there and he started going off on me and said that he was coming to get this things and moving out. He was done with me.
I tried to stop him but he wouldn’t talk about it. I started putting his stuff on the front porch. When he showed up, he was yelling at me in the front of the house, calling me crazy. I was begging him not to leave. He said that he didn’t love me anymore and that he only used me for sex and he didn’t want to see me ever again. I literally felt like he reached inside my chest, ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I literally almost could not breathe at all. I was hysterical and inconsolable after he left.
tobe-are you still up? I just answered your question!
erin1972, you are not here alone,
I just logged on, have not read your post yet.
erin1972, are you still there?
erin72 – I understand why you are upset, but it took me awhile to realize this blog does not work like a chatroom, sometimes it takes days to get a response or maybe never. But we are at different time zones and sometime peeps just check back in the next day to read a response or make a reply..Dont take it to heart..
shabbychic-I’m still here. I’m just crying so hard I can’t see straight!
Erin1972,
I just read your post. As shabbychic said, you are not alone. There are lots of us out hear “listening” to you. Some post regularly, others do not, others primarily read. Some times the timing of responses or posting is not immediate or is kind of disjointed, but you have not spoken into a void. You have been heard by people who care. . . .
I read your post; I am so very sorry for your pain. You sound like a very caring person, and you certainly did not deserve to be treated that way.
erin go ahead and cry – your tears are real, his were not – my x could turn on the crocodile tears like a faucet -it is manipulation minute by minute for them – anyway real tears are good – i think a good snot slobbering cry gets out alot of toxins – let it flow and firstthings first is right – this is a big ole cyber place and someone is reading and caring about what you say – for me sometimes I just write out my feelings into cyber space – maybe somebody connected with me somewhere…
It just hurts SO bad. I miss him and they’re is just this huge whole in my heart without him-a huge empty space.
erin1972, I have certainly cried and cried myself. Did some crying earlier today. I hope your tears bring you some relief, sometimes they release some stress… at least something good can come out of them!!
You are a sweetie and I want you to hang on to the idea that you are healing!!!!
I am also very sorry for your pain. I would like to give you a hug too.