Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
shabbyshic-thanks
I understand the hurt, and God, sometime I just want somebody to hold me, I want the S to hold me, but I don’t want him here. Makes no sense, but then of course I’m the nut case who sleeps crammed between 2 king size pillows.
shabby-that’s how I feel. I just want someone to hold me so bad and he was SO good at that. We used to sleep all night long wrapped up in a ball together. We would only move to get up and go to the bathroom. Then we would go back to sleep all wrapped up again. I miss him so much it kills me. My first love was NOT supposed to go like this. As happy as we were I don’t understand what happened-he just snapped. I feel like I’m dying without him.
erin1972, my dear, I have also felt that way… more than once, I thought I would die too, but I am still here. My biggest fear was being alone, but I have faced that, and I am still here. We are strong, compassionate, loving, exciting, funny etc etc people, that is why the spath’s are attracted to us! Please point some of that compassion and love at yourself. In this vulnerable time, take care of youself. We have all given away everything we have to others, here we learn to give to ourselves first.
I’m going to have to go cry into my pillows and try to rest-since I have to go back to work with these heinous people in the morning.
I think you will sleep well and that tomorrow will be a much better day for you. 🙂
Erin…
I am so sorry. I waited for you to write back and I fell asleep with my laptop on my bed. I had an awful headache thinking about having to wake up early (anxiety) and drive 2 hours to court!
I can see why you are so heartbroken. He led you on and then when push came to shove…he didn’t want to leave her. He had it good for HIMSELF the other way. Kept the wife and home and “social” status up and had someone he enjoyed being with on the QT. He was so totally WRONG for doing this and SELFISH…to both you AND the wife.
He isn’t a person of good character. Yes, if he was…he’d be the perfect man for you. But, his character is that he is DISHONEST, SNEAKY, LIAR. And, really Erin…the way he did what he did…you really lost NOTHING.
The problem is that you were seeing him for a year and thats hard. You got used to having him around..loving you …a companion….giving you attention. Thats the hard part.
Its all about realizing NOW, that he wasn’t the person you thought he was. The “ashamed” part reminded me of my x… his excuse for lying.
Please….we are ADULTS…not little chilldren. Admit your mistakes!!!
But, the fact is…these guys ARE little children and they are so insecure and selfish…so they go around USING everyone for thier immediate satisfaction.
MY sister does that to men..She met this nice guy last year…cheated on her b/f with him…dumped her b/f….and led this guy to believe he was her “soulmate”..convinced everyone in the family that “he was it”…etc….even in FRONT of us..
Then one day. after he gave her 1k for car repair…a few days later!….she dumped him. WALKED out on him…talked bad about him…etc…..said she just used him for sex…..it was so good…and BACK with the x b/f…who she cries to and who buys her lies!!!!
She is on mental disability for YEARS and I’ve watched her do this to so many men…she comes across so sincere and she is a devious liar ….. a devil!!! In fact..my mother used to say that she had the “devil in her”. She IS a devil.
So..these “charmers” ….’cryers”..(yes, they cry when they know they are decieveing you!) …Erin…sorry to say..
YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH A MAN THAT DOESN”T EXIST!!!!!
He was a severely DISORDERED person…and YOU ARE NOT!!!
SO, please ……stay angry and move on!!!
You are crying for a normal love relationship. He was NOT normal…..
I know how hard it is….they “bond” us to them and then leave and we want to believe they were true….
the TRUTH is…..there are sickos out there like my sister…and my x…who use people and then move on to use other people.
They make us believe they love us.
They con us.
We fall for it…and then get shocked when its over.
ERIN….you CAN do this.
I feel the same way….sometimes miss the ILLUSION.
But..I face reality and get TOUGH and MOVE ON with my daily life….and look forward to someday meeting a REAL person to love.
STAY StRONG….you lost NOTHING ERIN!!!
TTYL….I care. I am so sorry I fell asleep last night.
Will talk later when I get home.
HUGS….2 b STAY STRONG GIRL!!!!
Erin…also..
Try to keep a journal online. I used to write out my feelings everyday. I keep them in a draft folder on my computer. It helps ALOT!
And when things get really tough…PRAY. Turn your worries over to a Higher Power. Sometimes we just can’t handle things and we need help. Once you say a little prayer, you will feel relief. You can do it Erin!! You have goals and a future.
Don’t let this set you too far back. Catch yourself.
I know the overwhelming feeling that your life is over. Its not. You CAN DO IT!! We are all alone really. But, there are good people out there and, in time, you will have all good people in your life and THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
I remember when my marriage ended and I had 3 kids to take care of and didn’t think I could do it. I just kept on going and somehow…I did it.
I had no choice. I brought 3 children into the world and I had to push myself to get going …and I did.
Sometimes I want to give up…but I push a little harder even if its just going through the motions until I can feel better.
Say a little prayer for strength.
It works everytime.
HUGS and sending love and peace your way.
I am here for you.
tobe-I just got up and I’m so tired I can’t see straight. I am exhausted emotionally and I feel so empty.I don’t want to go to work at all. It’s so hard not to have a person here to talk to. I have a really bad headache. Yesterday at work I had an hour and a half of mandatory O.T. when all I wanted to do was get out. Today’s my late day so I have to stay til at least 6:30 and then I’ll be on the beeper all night.
I feel like such a loser cuz I miss A*** so much. I do believe that I had the BEST part of him. He always said that he felt like he could be himself with me instead of putting on the whole status thing. We had SO much fun together. He was my closest friend. It was like in “The Way We Were” cuz I was so heartbroken and I needed to be held and comforted and he was the one who was always there for that. He was the one who broke my heart but my wanted him there to hold me cuz I was so desperately sad.
My head knows that he doesn’t have good character. Even if we had gotten married and had our life, part of me would have always been afraid that he would step out on me eventually. I really wish that I hadn’t talked to his wife so much because it made things worse. She wanted dirt on him and wanted documented discrepancies in what he had been saying to her about me and the relationship.
Before we broke-up, he made some comment that she was the type of woman not to be messed with cuz she was vindictive and could be hateful. The night before he left after he went to the lawyer. After he stopped crying he said-“That bitch is gonna take me for all I have and ruin everything”.
Then, the next day he was going back to her and I had the rug pulled out from under me. I finally had what I wanted-those three weeks that we lived together meant so much to me. I had him every morning there when I got up. I didn’t have to get in my car to go see him. It is amazing to have the one you love lying with you in the morning. I was about to start the police academy and he was SO excited for me too. It was so amazing to finally have him not have to leave at night. He said it several times too-” I can’t believe I can finally stay here with you ALL night and wake–up with the woman I love instead of having to go back there and pretend with someone else and feel lonely cuz you’re not there.
He was torn in the relationship. They had a few little social things that they did together that he still enjoyed somewhat but the fun, passion and chemistry was with me. We loved being together so much.
Once he discarded me, I told a couple of friends from where he worked about what happened but they said they already knew. They said that he became SO horrible to work with-it was worse than he was before we got together. They knew that I made him so happy and his behavior totally changed when it was gone.
I wish I could stop missing him so much! I MISS HIM SO BAD! I loved him so much-my first. It’s so hard to know that he didn’t love ME ENOUGH!
Dear Erin,
You did have the “best part of him” he COULD be “himself” with you—he LIED TO YOU, HE DUMPED YOU, HE USED YOU FOR SEX, AND HE DIDN’T CARE A DAMN ABOUT YOU—and that IS the “best part of him” there is…the man is a cheat and a liar, so WHAT’s to miss….? Your best friend? Do friends treat others like he treated you?
You didn’t make him “happy” he was just getting laid on a frequent basis and so he had what he wanted, a wife at home and a GF somewhere else. Get REAL GF and start looking at the NEGATIVE THINGS about this relationship.
He is just like Tiger Woods, out “having fun” with a piece of “strange” but in the end, going back to the wifie and family. Not because he has to, but because he wants to, for NOW, then when the heat dies down, he will replace you with another woman and the dance will start all over….and when that blows up, RINSE AND REPEAT.
It hurts to realize we have been USED, then dumped, but it is the truth. The truth will set you free, but first it will PITH you off. SO GET PITHED off, get madder than hell, get furious at HIM!!!! Then get the Spathole out of your head! Think of the nasty things and hurt he has done to you! ((((Hugs))))