Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
Erin,
he runs in your head like a subroutine. I do understand. I’m there too.
However, what is true is that if you let the concious thoughts of remembering HIM control what is in your mind you will lose focus on what YOU have to do to heal which is LET GO of him.
So, how to do that?
First you have to decide that is your goal. I believe you have firmly made that choice. And that you are doing what you know how to do to move on.
Second, you have to accept that he isn’t there and isn’t coming back. This is harder. I think we all have relapses because its really hard to let go of OUR DREAM.
But, According to Don Miguel Ruiz in the Four Agreements, Its all a dream. So if we change what we dream into, everything changes. I believe you are doing this too by turning back to the pursuit of your law enforcement career.
And if it were something ese, that would be ok too.
Finally, you have to find peace inside your own head and your heart. If you need to get mad at him, then do it. Go nuclear.
Burn the hurt right out. If you don’t that is ok, but however you find it, you must find the peace to be able to move on.
The subroutine gets easier and easier over time to manage unless it feeds something- like the part of you that feels unworthy.
This is where the work needs done, because once you truly believe that you have greater value in a relationship than this fellow gave you, you will find it much easier to let go.
And believe me, You are very, very worthy of so much better care.
My SPATH convinced me that he literally was one of the 10 Boldest human beings in the world. I felt protected. I felt loved. I felt like my dreams were real. I do understand.
What I have discovered is that no matter what, he lied and cheated and had no intention of contributing fairly to our marriage which wasn’t even real.
When I weigh what he did against the things he said, they don’t add up and they never will.
So when he pops into my head, I have to do the work of remeasuring the words and deeds. It helps me to write letters to hm which I tear up. Over and over again I find that what comes out onto paper is the wording which states you lied, you lied, you lied I can not believe anything you say. I choose not to spend MY life discovering whether you tell the truth or not.
No matter what it means I have to do to spend my days not being the NAG who follows you around in a game where you find it fun to set me up to find out things that hurt my feelings.
Who wants to play that game?
Bet you don’t really, but the way he haunts you is the residual of his using your psyche for a playground. And you have to work at the things that will help reduce the fequency and distress of it.
I find Eckhardt Tolle’s books on CD REALLY REALLY useful, 2B thought the Power of NOW was really helpful.
I do understand what it is like to be haunted. I confess sometimes I miss what I thought we had and then, when I ground it in what is real, its really not worth the time to think about it.
The way that works for me is to let go so much concious thought. If I stop living in my head, he doesn’t pop up so much.
Maybe there is something in all that which will help you.
My heart with yours- It all sucks, but this too will pass.
Dear Erin1972,
Silvermoon’s advice is very good….in order to go forward, you have to have a NEW GOAL. For so long your ONLY real goal was to have HIM MAKE YOU HAPPY. Well, that AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN…so now, you can set a NEW GOAL, TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Wow, what a NEW CONCEPT—making yourself happy, doing things for yourself, not expecting others to do them for you, not depending on someone else for your happiness. Not letting someone else ruin your day. Not letting a job you no longer enjoy bring you down. Not letting someone else’s opinon of you be YOUR opinion of you!
It is a lot to accomplish all at once, but we do it in little bitty, tiny, micro-steps, and sometimes, just liek learning to walk as a kid, we fall down, and cry and bump our butts and our heads, but we don’t guit trying to walk, and eventually we get it, we walk, then we run and jump and climb without even thinking about it, we just DO IT and first thing we know, we are HAPPY AGAIN!
After my sudden divorce and desertion years ago from a man (non-psychopathic, but had some big mental problems from his P-father) I had idolized and loved this man unconditionally and I fell apart mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. BIG drama and trauma. But I picked myself up physically and started back to college and cleaned houses to support myself and my two kids, made grades that were excellent and actually have little memory of how I accomplished it, bujt I did. One day I was playing with my kids in the back yard, squirting myself and them with the water hose on a hot summer day and we were LAUGHING AND ROLLING IN THE MUD and you know what, I stopped RIGHT THERE and realized WE WERE HAPPY. I also realized that he would never be happy, would always let his P father ruin his life, dictate to him who he was with, and so on. I actually felt pity for him.
Your X is a psychopath himself, and he will NEVER BE HAPPY, he is only a “Hollow-gram” Of himself, HOLLOW INSIDE, unreal, no real love, no emotions, just using women as a form of mastabatory release momentarily thinking it will make him feel good about himself, and it doesn’t. He can’t bond to anyone except as an “owner” of another person.
You don’t yet believe it but you will, the best thing he could have done for you is LEAVE YOU and go back to his wife. YOU are RID of this parasite and that is all he is. YOU know that. WE know that. Others may not know what he is, but we know the TRUTH! BASE your thinking on what is TRUE! Not what is fantasy! Past fantasy or future fantasy, live in the NOW and make NOW wonderful.
You are healthy, you are smart, you have talent you have a job, may not be your prefered job, but it is a JOB that pays the rent and feeds you! Right now, just be grateful for that! (((Hugs))))
Erin1972,
Silvers advice to you was right on. We all need a path to follow to move forward. You have a goal set in place for the police academy, and that is where you want to see yourself.
An important part of reaching your goal is being able to deal with the here and now as best you can. Intelectually you have accepted somewhat who he is, or you wouldn’t be here.
But in your heart you can’t accept this emotionally. This is very normal. Our hearts are slower to accept this.
And the first, and maybe the most important part of this process is accepting the lie and the illusion he created. I believe that you are still struggling with this.
Sweetie you are still idealizing his WORDS (ALL lies) and minimizing his ACTIONS.
Your still questioning, who he loved more you or his wife? He loves neither. That is the truth. He isn’t capable of love. Not if he is an S/P/N.
You are stuck on the idea that his wife is the “bad guy” in this scenero while it is him that is the bad guy. You are directing your anger at her, and your anger would do YOU much better directed where it BELONGS, on him.
In your heart you must try to begin to seperate this stuff.
1. The lies.
2. The illusion he created.
3. His actions.
When you tell your story, what he said was one thing. The illusion, the protector, the unhappily married man, the great guy that is “there” for you, yadda, yadda….
But what he did (his actions) was entirely another story.
Actions always speak louder than words. Once you convince your heart that it was all a lie on his part……You will be able to grieve this relationship on a different level.
Right now you are still addicted to the illusion. Your in love with what he presented himself to be, not with who he really is. He is an empty shell. And HAS nothing to offer other than empty promises, lies, illusions, shallow tears.
This is by far the most difficult part of the begining part of this journey. When your heart accepts the truth and rejects the lie.
You can do this.
Hey Erin…
Wow…great advice from great people on here…people who have been there and done it!
I had to drive over an hour to bancruptcy court and back this morning. Another “take action” plan done. Next stop…try to save the house…
Anyway, the advice up above is so true. It sounds like he had a good thing going with you and yet, when push came to shove, he had too much to lose to stay with you. As he said…she will take him to the bank. So…he made a CHOICE.
He went to the lawyer and therapist and made his decision based on what he might lose financially. Bottom line, in my opinion.
My x’s brother was going thru a divorce…spent 25k and then decided not to go through it because it was “cheaper to keep her”. No lie. He would have to pay for benefits 1200./ mo. and she would get half of his pension.
Then, my X had to move and instead of getting his own place and paying security..etc..he decided to move back into the house he bought with his x g/f…(she put down the money for it and he couldn’t sell it or refi and get her out of the deal)..so he decided to move into the house with her. He expected me to continue seeing him and “support his financial problems” !!!
These guys are always lying and cheating and using women in their life! Whatever the best deal is for THEM …they take.
I’m convinced that they don’t care about relationships..only sex and money and/or roommates.
Whatever they can get from others FOR THEMSELVES!!!
So, what did we lose? NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!
Once a cheater…always a cheater…and liar.
Don’t you think you deserve MORE, Erin????
I know I do!!!!
So, you are lonely now but give it some time. I feel so alone sometimes too…but really you are all you have in life. You have to have yourself….have the strength to take care of yourself and make choices.
My attorney, after the hearing…was talking to me and another client, who is 41 and divorced from a sociopath twice!!
Cute girl and she has 3 boys …2 from the first cheater and 1 from the second one. We talked in the back..lol…while we were waiting for our cases. WOW!! Same liars!!!
You are certainly NOT alone. So many people get hurt by these liars. Your A@.......@@....... cheated on his wife before. NOT nice!
He would have done the same thing to you.
And his angry outburst at you for texting him!!! He shifted the guilt and gave himself an excuse to leave you. Mine did the same thing….as soon as I ever called him on something…he put the blame on me and RAN. In two years…he did this SO many times…I learned not to confront or question him…it would only get him upset and he’d book !
What kind of man is this? NOT a man who is devoted to you?
Who on earth wants someone whose NOT devoted to you? NOT ME!
You are worth so much more. Yes, he’s the first man to show you that you CAN love and you CAN feel good ….but next time around…you want to REAL thing…or nothing!
Focus on THAT Erin….until then ….we need to take care of ourselves…get into shape…etc…achieve our NEW goals!
Thats what I am concentrating on…
Looking and feeling my BEST!!!
Anyway…success is the best revenge……..
Hope I helped.
I am really having a hard time accepting things right now. Everything hurts so much. I AM TRYING TO DO WHAT ya’ll are saying but sometimes things happen that brings those memories back and it puts the hurt on-BAD! This is all I can do right now. I’m doing the best that I can 4 now.
Also…God works in weird ways. Since Satan left…I’ve had nothing but good luck…got approved for disability…got some back pay…got a big tax refund…and I’m selling the car I bought cheap from his brother and making money on it.
Had we been seeing each other…he would have manipulated me into “loaning” him money…and stupid me may have trusted him!!!
If God be for us…who can be against us???
Just trust that God has some heavy duty plans for you Erin!!!
You will be rewarded because you aren’t evil. He is.
Karma will bite him….just trust that what you gave, you will get back…..
Erin….get your head out of your heart and stop romanticising the whole thing!!!! It was temporary and not real. The proof of his “love” was when he made the CHOICE to go back to his wife. This happens alot with married men. If he was a decent human being…he would have the balls to divorce her and remarry someone…not cheat!!! NO matter WHAT the cost, financially. Again….money..the root of all evil.
I admit..sometimes I think of our “friendship” and I miss it…but what kind of “Friend” was he if he wasn’t HONEST??
He was an ENEMY…not a friend, Erin. He is disordered, and evil……sorry to say.
THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON ON EARTH>>IS A LIAR
OxDover,
You have so many life experiences, being able to really understand, empathize, and effectively help others in their own life journey. I read your posts and I am thankful that you are here most every day, offering your support to those at LF. We are blessed to have your input. I read others’ posts and am tremendously helped by what I read, wanting to respond at times to their experiences, but not always sure of what to say, opting to stay quiet. What others say is right on, helpful to those who have some issue that needs to be addressed. When I read your posts, I think of you as an advisor, a good counselor.
Hi All, Sent from my friend from her perpetual calendar today:
As a woman, we should be encouraged to express the truth of whatever you’re feeling to go into it and make the sounds you need to make, and to cry or yell as long as necessary. When you stay completely within your innermost self, you’ll often discover that your body — through weeping, moving and making sounds — has the innate ability to heal painful memories from your past.
This certainly goes for the sensitive man too!
Erin, everyone has given you great advice and Hens you may have something there with the snot/slobbering cry out!
This retreat is going to be difficult for me this weekend. I am fearful of what I will go through but know the time is here.
It is called a Radical Acceptance Intensive. Gonna go deep and dirty methinks.
God Bless You All!