Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
Thanks ONestep…
I started with an interest in taking yoga…then meditation…then buddist teachings. I went to a free group at a Tibeten temple and it was too “religious” for me. So a friend of mine said..Chang? I think its Zen. I want to learn about it but not do the chanting and “ritualistic” stuff. I don’t even like going to Christian churches…I don’t believe in organized religion…..I just want “spiritual teachings” and the Bible.
Thanks for the suggestions.
Oh…for inner healing…Robert NAjemy “holistichealth.com” (i think) his utubes are amazing…food for thought.
I have alot that I want to read and learn…just have to get some “business” out of the way…so many appts…kids stuff…dental..etc….
Can’t wait to get into an exercise routine.
onestep – It doesnt mean much, just that i will always be henry and I dont need to change who I am or my name. I dont think anyone is looking for me here, or anywhere for that matter. I signed on 2 years ago as henry and I am still here.
not all tibetan schools are the same, believe me – my lama doesn’t wear robes and likes to jump out of planes. not ritualistic or traditional at all. you might like his style actually – be forewarned he says some really contentious stuff at times (i do not hold to his take on world politics) – but he has a lot of centres in the US and the people are awesome – check out Diamond Way Buddhism.
henry – i didn’t see that you had signed back on as henry- that would explain the cryptic message. 🙂
pollyananomore did the same thing – changed off to midlifecrisis and then back.
i am on my 2nd name – the other one was too damn depressing to type in. i like one step a lot – but if things ever get hot for me, i’ll change it to ‘crypticmyst’. just kidding. but we could have a name one step contest. i’d dig that.
Henry:
You have always been Henry to me, and that’s why I’ve never addressed you as anything but Henry on this site.
When you changed your name, you said it was o.k. to still call you Henry, so I did.
And I’m glad I did, especially now that you’ve changed it back!
Rosa – That is why I changed it back, I have friends here. Thanks for giving me a smile tonite my friend..
🙂
Erin,
I have been reading all the comments that you are writing on here. Please believe me when I say that I have been where you are. The sad part is, I have been there many times with the same man. Let me give you an idea of what would happen if you let him back in your life. He will do this over and over again to you. I too had a close physical bond, he would tell me over and over again that he only had that with me, that he had never loved anyone like me, he loved me so much. His ex-wife told me that he had cheated on her but I thought that that was because he said “he was never really in love’ with her. He cheated on me within a year of us first moving in together. I went to a reunion with old friends and he moved out of the house we shared without even telling me. I had moved 800 miles to live with him in a house that I bought with money from my divorce. I moved home again and within one hour of walking into my parents house, he called crying begging for forgiveness. He didn’t know what had come over him and he was so sorry. I forgave him and I forgave him. He continued to suck me in with the same lines your spath used. “No one understood him.” When things were great they were wonderful, then he would do something to break the trust I had built up in him. I became the crazy person that others on here have mentioned. I even tried to hurt myself once and what did he do, he ran that’s what. Still I forgave, he was so persausive and “seemed so sorry” Was I an absolute fool –YES but I loved him and I couldn’t believe he was a bad person, just a mixed up one. HAH!! I cried and cried like you. I could only think of the good times, the lovemaking, etc. It didnt’ seem real to me that someone could not mean all the things he said, couldn’t cry and be so sorry and not mean it.
Well think again, life with these men never changes. There may come a time when he tries to come back in your life. They usually do. He may cry too and tell you that he was so sorry, he didn’t mean what he said, she made him do it or some other S&^%t but it won’t be true. BELIEVE Me, I have been through it so many times that I think that I had stockholm syndrome!! The last time he had cheated AGAIN and he did call me, again crying that he had hurt me so much that he didn’t even know who he was anymore, blah blah blah. But you know what, he still wanted to control the relationship. If I questioned anything about what he was saying or tried to say that there were TWO of us in this relationship, then he would react in anger. You know what, you do come to a place where you realize that this person does not mean a thing they say. They may love you in a weird kind of way but they cannot really love you like a real person.
That is what you need to focus on. It hurts and it hurts bad. I wasted 13 years of my life on this man. My heart was ripped out so many times that I should have had a hatch installed on my chest. But there is hope.. you start to realize that you deserve to be loved for real. That someone who has your best interests at heart will not treat you this way. You know what isn’t funny. I just had surgery. My spath didn’t even care to see if I was OK but men that I worked with and know on a casual basis called to see if I was doing well. What does that tell you? It’s the same with all these guys –they don’t care about you or your feelings. They can play the game but can’t go the distance. You know what else I learned…within days of him coming back into my life I was nervous, I was constantly worrying whether he would call, where was he, etc. In other words, I was constantly tense. Is that a good way to live–NO!! When he wasn’t in my life, I was relaxed and happier. What a lesson to realize. I actually was happy and relaxed and not a crazy person!!!
It will get better with time. The reason everyone says no contact on here is because they have all realized that to even entertain these people for a moment allows them to play on the very real emotions that you have and they do not. You were told that you have to come to love yourself more than you love them. Truer words were never spoken. All that love that you have burning a hole in your heart you need to redirect to your own life.
Please focus on what he did to you not what you had together. That is a trap you cannot let yourself fall into or they still have control. Think about how could he hurt you like that. How dare he use you and leave you!! You are too good for him. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM. Believe it. Erin, you are too good for him.
tobehappy: girl, are you still up?
Dear Henry,
I am just njot believing what you are doing! Changing your name BACK AGAIN! What will I do with you guys, you are all freaking me out! I have NO MEMORY now, and here you guys are morphing again. I could kind of keep up with Henry=Hens, but Pollyannanomore=midlifecrisis=pollyannanomore? Sheesh!@....... I can’t keep up with you guys!
I am THE OxDrover, the ONE, the ONLY, OxDrover and I’m gonna stay THE OxDrover…I am the same crusty old bat that I have always been (except for when I was a fiesty crusty YOUNG Bat!) LOL
The trip to the city wasn’t tooooo bad, got lots of errands run, and that always makes me feel good to make the TO-DO list into the GOTT’ER DONE list!
You know it is so “exciting” and so “great!” to just do the NORMAL routine, boring, crappy things like shopiing in a pouring rain and feeling like you have accomplished something even as simple as picking up groceries and dog food. It makes me feel “crazy” to be so happy doing such “dumb” stuff! Stuff that is absolutely UN-important, just DULL stuff! HOW GREAT IS THAT! BORRRRRI’NG!
Let’s hear it for BORING!!! Let’s hear it for MUNDANE! Let’s hear it for ORDINARY! Let’s hear it for THIS IS LIFE AND IT IS WONDERFUL! ((((((Hugs)))))