Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
conomo
Oxy…you make me laugh. You are a great writer! I look forward to the day when I can go into a store in my town and not think there are laughing or pitying eyes on me. I will have arrived like you. (((hugs)))
hens
Yes there is only one OxDrover..I might be gay but I am no Hen I am a Rooster– Here me CROW~!
conomo
HENRY IT IS!
hens
hey conomo – i remember feeling that embarrasment and humiliation, i was sure every person in wally world knew I had been had.. but I was the only one that knew it – i was humiliated and embarrassed with myself – that will pass – now I feel powerful cause I survived it and powerful because I have stood strong on my no contact for two years – no contact is the worst thing you can do to a spath – they hate it when they lose that power over us. no contact is our only weapon and ultimate salvation.
erin1972
Good night to everyone on here!
geminigirl
I agree Oxy,!! hi 5 girl!!!
lets hear it for boring! Sure beats the pants off being hi asa kite,or, unhappy, tense, worried,or scared shitless! Boring can be turned into an art form!
Like me looking lovingly at my cucumber and pea sprouts, hugging the dog,[even tho I know hes schmoozing me to get some of my toast!}looking at a great sunset,sharing a Gin and T with my lovinghubby in the evening on the back verandah.
making a great hot curry or chilli.
All together now,—
“Sometimes I have bad days, and then I remember when I had BAD YEARS!!{or decades!!}
Thanks so much, oxy, witty and conomo for your input.
Its great to be HEARd, lovingly supported, and VALIDATED.
remember,
WE ARE THE GOOD GUYS!!!The spaths may SEEM to be winning, but really they are sad, sick losers.
love, and {{HUGS}}}
MamaGem.XXXLets remember how far we have all come!!
conomo
Thanks Henry for sharing. This really is a small town of 4500. And me being in business for 15 years, makes me a bit of a public figure. I know many people respect me and have empathy for the trials I’ve been through in the last 10 years, but I also know there are the gossip mongerers and and holier than though sympathizers too. It’s hard to know who is who sometimes.
I am blessed with being in a forced no contact situation for some time prolly. For now it’s only been about 2 months. I always thought that being in touch meant I knew what he was up to. When he stopped calling or texting I knew to be fearful of what was coming next. Always right on that.
I was letting the critters out when I got home tonight and discovered a sliding door has been compromised. F*r The screen has been destroyed twice already. I know I can’t go back and believe the I’m sorrys and I love yous, but he has taken a huge part of me when I think I was giving some of the last I had to give to an intimate relationship.
Btw–I usually crow more than I cackle. 😉
super chic
jelltogether, thanks for that fabulous reminder of what life would be like if we went back, I certainly remember feeling tense ALL THE TIME!! It was sickening. I never want to do that again. In fact, I think I spent most of my adult life like that, with different partners. I think I was addicted to drama in addition to the men. Now that I have been alone for 1 year… it’s been tough, but I am having more fun when I go out and do things, when I can drag myself out. So, anyway, I’m rambling on and on here, really just wanted to say thanks for such a great, heartfelt post.
super chic
xoxo henry xoxo
conomo
Shabbychic, that was by no means rambling in my books! Totally relevant to what I’ve been reading in posts the last few days in particular. It is so nice to hear you are feeeling better and better and acting positively on it when you are up to it. That, I am sure will continue to grow as long as you maintain NC and don’t get hooked up with another S! You go girl…we need to hear that progress!!