Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
tobe-I’m OK. That one day was REALLY BAD for me with hurting over A***. I do well most of the time but sometimes one little thing will set me off and all the hurt comes back on.
Now I am just worried with my job. Some bad going down and it pisses me off. My charge nurse and one of his friends are trying to get rid of me.
Ohh….can you apply somewhere else to work? I have to give you alot of credit for even working. Since I had my “breakdown” a year ago..I could never go back to my job. My situation is different because I defended him and the administration started picking on me. Between my “intuition” that he was lying to me and what was happenning there…I just couldn’t do it anymore. I have other problems..financial and raising 3 kids…so it just was the needle that broke the haystack. I PRAYED that I wouldn’t have to go to work. And God answered my prayers.
I just wish you could remove yourself from that job…it would help so much. Any chance of applying elsewhere?
Erin,
Get connected to HR – chances are some stuff that is going down could be tantamount to illegal termination and the HR folks are there to protect against it.
If you get there first, you may have an edge. If you have a friend with an HR background, you maybe able to set them up.
You have to know employment law, company policies and termination grounds and procedures.
Do your homework. You may be in a better place than you think!
Oh…and today I felt sad. I guess because I went to this new therapist and she made me realize that he is a liar and why would I want someone who lies about anything?
I said to myself…Really, why would I? And then I realized that I was in DENIAL all through the r/s. The part that makes it hard..is what they SAY. NO man ever said the things he did to me. I even said to my g/f…”I’m so in love with him..he always says the right things..” On my way home, he would call me ALWAYS and reassure me that he really loved me, which is exactly what I wanted to hear after spending time with him, having sex with him…etc. Its like it was all a game and he KNEW how to keep me hooked. I just never had a man tell me so much how much he cared and loved me. It was SO hard for me to find him on dating sites after the things he used to say to me…ALWAYS saying…”I wish we were married…we have to do something about this…I need to be with you everyday” ….If I didn’t see those profiles, I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me. I TRUSTED him so much….never thought to check up on him…until the night he slipped up. Its just so shocking that someone could call me and text me EVERY hour. AND…always said…”I could never imagine you with another man..I might have to kill him.”
Yet, HE was cheating? I was really in denial. I should have checked on him. But, I guess they set it up so that you DO trust them…..How sick.
So, yes…I would LOVE to have what I had with him…only with a REAL true honest man. It was too good to be true…
and you know what they say about that!
So…today I realized that I have to be an idiot to want a cheater and liar. I get sick watching Tiger on t.v. I can’t even watch it..or listen to it. Satan is alive….thats sad…they roam the earth and really hurt people.
He called me Monday night and I didn’t pick up. But, it triggered me to tears. So…..I do understand. I try to stay angry and think of the terrible things he did to me….which I don’t like feeling….but, better than sad. Grief is awful.
Then I try to put it in perspective….and I say….He’s disordered….he’s unhappy…he’s messed up….and he’s gone….thank God.
tobe-there is NO WAY that I can leave it, it would be suicide. There are NO Decent jobs in the city right now. Believe it, because I look. What is going on is the WHOLE reason that I despise nursing. This guy knew I was unhappy there and the two faced tried to act supportive but he’s not.
The reason that I was unhappy is that I knew the day I started that I was not going to be liked there. My personality doesn’t fit in. They fight, gossip, back-stab and they will throw you under a bus-soon as look at you.
I tried to transfer elsewhere but there aren’t jobs. I make an insane amount of money here. I have tons of bills to pay off to get my dream back.
I changed specialties when I took this job. The skills draw upon all my previous training but there is a TON of new things to learn. This guy was supposed to be my preceptor. He is getting a dollar extra per hour for this. He has never been my preceptor. They had me with one gal who was real good and we got along. They took her away from me because she was going to a different position. He pawned me off on another lady who didn’t want to train me. She was mad that she wasn’t getting the extra dollar/hr so she told him that she would take me on, but she WAS NOT GOING TO TEACH ME A THING.
The other day when I had the problem with the doctor, he went to this charge nurse to complain. This narcissistic MD would not talk to me to my face to settle the problem. He had to shoot off his mouth to other people.
I thought that things were getting a lot better. We work on teams. There are two RN’s and 2 Rad techs. We rotate teams every 3 months. On my prior team, I was being treated like shit so they made sure that they put me with good people because the manager didn’t want to lose me, due to my vast level of experience. Things were going well. The RN that I’m with now is GREAT-we are totally on the same page on EVERYTHING. She sat me down and told me what was going on and what they were all saying. She loves working with me too. I spoke the new manager about it to try and head it off at the pass. This boss is new and is aware of the behavior problems with these people and she is set out to make changes.
These other nurses think I’m incompetent even though I have more experience than most of them and I am a really good nurse-even though I don’t like it. These girls will push me out of the way because I’m still learning so I backed off. I didn’t want conflicts EVERY time I went to work. Now they think that I am NOT AGGRESSIVE enough and are trying to put down my experience.
I came from a top ten huge level 1 trauma center where I did trauma ICU and burns. I think some of it is jealousy. My teammate and I decided that were going to see aggressive now and I am putting on my best Meryl Streep and pretending that I like my job. I AM GOING TO GET A FREAKIN’ ACADEMY AWARD FOR MY PERFORMANCE. It’s stressful to still be trying to learn and having to put up with TOTAL STUPIDITY EVERY DAY!
tobe-I don’t want you to be sad. I cried all night that night for A*** and the next day I was exhausted. Remember what you’ve always told me, what they say is not equal to what they do. Actions speak loudler than words. A*** talked to me exactly the same as your guy did and it made me feel the same way you feel. No one knows how you feel better than me. I am totally with you.
tobe-I wish this was a chatroom or instant message so we could talk to each other better!
Wow, I thought Teaching was bad! I went through HELL on this last job too! I had MORE experience than anyone there…it was a small private school and I came from a HUGE public school…noone else there could last a day in my old school….Yet, they were jealous..always trying to target me…etc…same sh%t. Then, when I got involved with my x…which noone knew…they thought we were just good friends…and HE started alot of drama….Erin…I swear…I was having panic attacks and went out on sick leave and I’m never going back! So….I give you alot of credit. And, just go through the motions….if the money is good. Thats what I did on a job I had once, that paid well…Just thought of the money everytime something pissed me off…took a deep breath and zoned out and ignored it all.
I think you are doing a great job, Erin. You are able to go to a place with such idiots because you have DIRECTION and know that this is just a stepping stone to your future.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS..right?
Sometimes I just want to go live on an island…..
I wish I could live on the Greek Island of Santorini-it is the top place I want to travel to.