Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Range of behavior
One reason why it’s so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Sociopathy is a trait that varies from person to person. You could compare it to a trait like intelligence—not all intelligent people are intelligent in the same way. Some people are smart in academics, some people have mechanical skills, some people are artistically brilliant. They are all intelligent, but intelligent in different areas of life.
Sociopathy manifests differently in different people—I like to say the disorder ranges from sleazy to serial killer. Some, therefore, are violent—but many, probably even most, are not. Some sociopaths are low-level criminals; others have successful careers in business, government, medicine, the military, education, the clergy—every possible field of endeavor.
The point is, sociopaths exhibit a range of behavior, so behavior by itself is not always a reliable way of spotting the disorder.
The mask
Sociopaths often wear a mask—until they decide that they can no longer be bothered keeping up appearances. I think that’s what happened in the case of this Lovefraud reader. The sociopath she was with played the part of the committed husband—until he had enough of that game and wanted a change. Oh, he kept it going for awhile with the false reconciliation. But when he was well and truly tired of the marriage, he became the monster.
The reader didn’t say how he was using the child to hurt her, but based on what I’ve heard from other parents, I can take a few guesses. The sociopath considers the child to be his property, and he wants to own it. Or, the sociopath thinks the child will be useful to his image—he’ll be able to play the doting dad, so that he can snag another victim. Or, the sociopath simply wants to win whatever battle their custody situation has become, and win convincingly, so that our reader never has the temerity to challenge him again.
The illusion
So how does our reader reconcile the “happy marriage” with the “monster”? She has to understand that the happy marriage never existed. It was an illusion, carefully crafted by the sociopath to reel her in and get what he wanted. Once he changed his mind about what he wanted, the marriage was no longer useful to him, so he dumped it.
This is what sociopaths have in common: They are social predators. They are users. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You cannot interpret them through the way you live your life. You simply have to accept the fact that they are staggeringly different from us. We feel empathy for other people. They do not.
Regardless of how it manifests, the common denominator is that these people are empty shells pretending to be human. When you look carefully inside them, you’ll see nothing.
conomo
I can’t claim to making the gardens…which is why I am doubly blessed with their presence. I have had gardens with Irises, lilies, french lilacs, echinacea and a budding vegetable garden in the matrimonial home. After that I was blessed with all those plus little cultivated fruit patches. I kept a rose over winter that bloomed in Feb and thought it was dying so cut it right back and it’s greening all over the stock! Got a beautiful tiger lily, couple herbs and bridal wreath waiting to get outside too!!! Small mercies ya
Kim I WISH. I never found the tuner or the time. Been a busy, hurting week…Only so much a gal can do under the circumstances….that’s my story ;o)
hens
all cats are narcissist – add cluster B = a sociopath cat
kim frederick
Witty, There is an intire Psychology of color. Perhaps your tastes are changing because your psych is changing. Red is a power color and an emotional color….passion.
witsend
kim,
maybe he was just not the smartest cat on the block?
My dog, I love him dearly, but sometimes he just does dumb things.
Like digging in the sink after the dishwater drains for a single noodle (or some such morsel) while I am in the next room and I can hear him doing this. He used to at least wait until I was out of ear shot…..
This is why I need a parrot to keep after him. “Bad Dog”
conomo
Wits, I have a steel roof and it was black until my sisters bf started cleaning it and revealing the true red(maybe I would call it a dark apple red). I have alot of trees around and the leaves falling dampened the colour. I thought I would have to replace it but it’s beautiful underneath.
witsend
I like that Kim….My psych needs changing.
hens
funny witt but we all have mentioned reds and browns – i guess my brown paint would be a dark khaki with cinnamon red trim – i want to paint the doors a shade of green but not sure yet..cono I am happiest in my yard and digging in the dirt and doing landscape projects – I get most of my plants from jobs where i dig things up – i keep buckets and a shovel in my truck and am always finding iris, lillies and things at old abandoned homesteads or by the roadside – i have a seven sisters rose bush that came from a cutting off my grannys rose bush, has been in the family for generations…
witsend
conomo,
Don’t change it! Those tin roofs are the newest style here in the US and they are VERY expensive.
Dark apple red. Perfect 🙂
Many old farmhouses here have them but they are darkened silver tin color.
But the new tin/metal roofs come in dark green and dark red and brown ect. They are wonderful.
does it pitter patter on your roof when it rains?
silvermoon
I spent the day with my young ‘un. We went through a discussion of what these psychos are. How their effects cross from parent to child because it was HIS family too and that He canlook at my experience as one which is a lesson is why to to get real and be real.
We talked with Steve about how to be real and to be tolerant with other’s disrespectful behavior when it must be so.
And then I turned him on to Eckhardt Tolle on CD.
If your marriage was a dream gone night mare and you shared it with more than a cat, I feel very strongly the time comes when you must make sure your children understand too. IT was their family, they share those memories. And if they have the information about what is true, they can turn it into a new way of looking at the world before they must go out into the world and experience what their stories will be made of.
The fruits of knowledge are many and bear the nutrition of the wisdom earned, gleaned and shared here.
Lets not forget them.
witsend
Hens,
Dark green would be good with that color combo…Lovely, I can picture it in my head.
This is something that would be fun to do….Design house colors and perenial gardens to compliment the house color.